said unforgivable thing to DD

[SparkyFartDust]

I need help.

My DD1 is 3;09. Spirited, bright, lovely. However, I find it really hard to manage some of her behaviour. I feel guilt about I am managing at the moment.

For example, when I picked DC's up from childminders tonight she's screaming, 'Go away.' at me. When I calmly get her ready to leave there she screamed, cried, had hysterics all the way back home.

She flinches when I try and comfort her, she shouts, 'I don't want you I want daddy.'

I'm not coping as I should do with her frequent meltdowns, I am tired; this is no excuse but feel my resourses are depleted and today said an unforgivable thing, 'I don't want to be your mummy anymore.' I hate the parent I am becoming.

I know she is only little and that her emotions are raw and enormous and hard for her to deal with. I know what I said is awful and a complete betrayal of my parenting role. I am in bits.

I'd would really appreciate those of you who do manage your children's behaviour better/ have insight to offer me some guidance.

Firstly, she won't remember what you said in the morning.

Secondly, a stock phrase such as "I know you're feeling cross now but you can't behave this way. Please calm down" or whatever can help. Whatever she says to you, repeat it calmly and it almost turns into a mantra which helps keep you calm and bores them to tears cos they're not getting a response.

She'll forget about it. Don't beat yourself up, you sound pretty frazzled by her rejections and meltdowns.
Maybe you could apologise to her tomorrow for saying it, and explain that sometimes we say things we don't mean just because we're angry, and you didn;t want to hurt her, like you know that she doesn't mean to hurt you when she says horridf things to you etc etc

Oh don't worry, we all say bad things sometimes. You need to apologise and tell her of course you want to be her mummy.

Tomorrow is another day and hopefully it will be better.

Oh and I leg it into the garden and have a good scream at least once a week when my two year old is driving me nuts!

Agree - apologise and explain lots.

It's definitely worth creating some distance between you and her when you feel you are getting to that point.

I take myself off to the kitchen to mouth some foul bad language.

I've also noticed that this sort of thing is much more likely to happen if i'm tired. Do you get enough sleep?

You are not a bad parent. You know this was wrong of you. You may need to spend some time reassuring her again but don't worry you are probably more upset by this than she is.

Sparky it is tough sometimes, I understand. I feel very ashamed to say that I have twice shouted at my 4 year old to shut up.

She does forget but it makes me feel crap.

This will sound a real cliche but if she is winding you up get out of the room, even for 10 seconds. Mutter bad things under your breath if you have to, but not so she can hear.

Also do your utmost to have a tiny bit of time to yourself. The times I have shouted have been after hours of "pandering" to the children's needs and in the end I just lose it.

Lol (and cry a little bit if I'm honest in recognition at DragonButter)

Do you also close the kitchen door and mutter things like "just shut the f up and stop tormenting me"?

sparkyfartdust i have an almost 3 year old who has recently started saying i want daddy etc when she has been told off by me for being naughty. i have actually introduced a new reward chart and the 'naughty step' for this behavior which seems to be working quite well as it helps to give her time to calm down aswell as me time to breathe before i say something i regret.
as for what you said i think your first port of call is to sit down with your DD and talk to her about how what you said was naughty and you didnt mean it and you love her etc. also discuss with her how her screaming and shouting and bad behavior is not acceptable and that you will now expect better behaviour in the future etc. dont beat yourself up about something that you said in the heat of the moment that you obviously didnt mean
xx ei xx

all the time onepiece!

Thank you.

Part of the problem is non of us are sleeping much. MY 9 month old is still waking alot in the night and DD1 has taken to getting up regularly in and will sometimes not get back to sleep for a couple of hours. We are (as most families are)up at crack of dawn.

Will try and get some distance between us when she's next kicking off- can see this could be vital -gives self a reprieve and chance to measure response and also not giving attention to crappy behaviour.

will apologise to her and explain.

want so much to be a good parent and to help her feel positive about herself but have really been reactive and narky. Think I have somehow felt (wrongly)that she and I are 'failing.'I'm failing because I am back at work, not able to be with kids as much, failing because I am foul tempered and that she is failing because she isn't 'well behaved.' See the need to remind myself that she is a normal 3 year old who will need to have meltdowns, act up etc.

Dragonbutter I hope we have helped the op but if not then I would like to say you have helped me.

I also swear away to myself. It makes me laugh and that's always good.

Everyone has a tipping point, but don't get too near it too often. Try to make some space.

Everything is usually "just a phase" - sadly the good things as well as the bad!

oh, you have all so helped me

thanks.

You are right tomorrow is another day and will keep this thread foremost in my mind!

The "film crew" advice on a thread a while ago is also very helpful - if you feel yourself starting to boil, imagine you're being filmed for a reality tv show/documentary (presenter of choice was, iirc, Kirsty Allsopp) - works very well in helping you to bite your tongue, I find.

oh Habbibu Fantastic...I remember reading that some time ago.how could I forget that one!

pmsl at avada kedavra, do you think Imperio would work on my stubborn little donkey of a 4yo?

HONESTLY we have all wished we could eat our words at times. I think your dd will have completely missed the significance of it though, to her it was just an unremarkable childish retort to what she said (no offence!) I've usually found when I've had to apologise to one of mine that they accept almost smugly - they know EXACTLY how it feels to blow your top and spout horrible things, they are glad of the opportunity to point out that adults do it too!

My DS told me he didn't love me today, and could he get another mummy?! My stock answer to anything like that is (big grin, regardless of how I feel) "Oh that's a shame, because I really love you". He's not sure how to take it, because it's not the reaction he's after, and sometimes if you have a stock answer in readiness, it gives you something to say at that moment.

But don't stress over it. IMHO the "terrible twos" are over-hyped, it's when they hit 3 the attitude kicks in. It's like having a teenager sometimes. And you are not alone in saying something that you regret either. It's a really hard job parenting young children, pretty much on your own and 24/7. Don't beat yourself up over it too much, no one in RL deals with the kids like Mary Poppins/Supernanny all the time.

smellen you are so right. Most self respecting 3 and 4 year olds have significantly more stamina and cheek that the average 2 year old. My 4 year old is really mouthy at times (gorgeous but very cheedky)

Find me a parent who hasn't done this! Once I said something less than nice to my dd in a moment of despair at bathtime one day, and her response was "Mummeee! Beee nice!!!" through her sobs. I still feel bad nearly two decades later. But we both survived.

i have also been know to mouth 'oh fuck off then' behind dd's back.

well noone knows this, except you now!!

burnt out, thats what gets to you. you justhave no energy to do it anymore. You have to start a new day. Forget about this

My 3 yo seems to be bahving so badly at the moment, so I totally understand how you feel! She told me today she didn't like me any more, so I asked her if she wanted to see if she could find another mummy , but she said she wanted to stay with me (grudgingly!) She also said (cringe!) "No mummy, I still love you, I just don't like you very much right now!" ...wonder wher she heard that

oh god laughing and crying at these posts.

I know just how you feel,I have a daughter the same age and a smaller one who wakes a lot and I am really tired and frazzled and shouted at my daughter horribly ob sunday for something really minor.Ever since,my baby is saying "mama shouting,frightened,cried"(she is only just 18m)so I feel horrible and guilty.All I can say is,I apologised and gave her a simple explaination and then aplogised to the baby too and I am trying to take a deep breath before I blow up.You are only human and we all do this,I know very few mothers who never snap.I have found three a much harder age to deal with than two.even though she is amazing,my little girl,she is hard to handle at times on top of exhaustion.Have a glass of wine and forgive yourself.