said unforgivable thing to DD

[SparkyFartDust]

I need help.

My DD1 is 3;09. Spirited, bright, lovely. However, I find it really hard to manage some of her behaviour. I feel guilt about I am managing at the moment.

For example, when I picked DC's up from childminders tonight she's screaming, 'Go away.' at me. When I calmly get her ready to leave there she screamed, cried, had hysterics all the way back home.

She flinches when I try and comfort her, she shouts, 'I don't want you I want daddy.'

I'm not coping as I should do with her frequent meltdowns, I am tired; this is no excuse but feel my resourses are depleted and today said an unforgivable thing, 'I don't want to be your mummy anymore.' I hate the parent I am becoming.

I know she is only little and that her emotions are raw and enormous and hard for her to deal with. I know what I said is awful and a complete betrayal of my parenting role. I am in bits.

I'd would really appreciate those of you who do manage your children's behaviour better/ have insight to offer me some guidance.

I think my nastiest one was when ds1 was about 3.5, he was really embarassing me in the library, making obnoxious remarks really loudly, and it was raining and I had heavy shopping I leaned right close to him and said "shut....your....BEAK" really menacingly

luckily he pissed himself laughing

[Alfie Kohn apostate]

Sparky once whe DS1 was being particularly defiant I said "if you don't want to behave, you can go and live with Grandad intead"

He soon did what he was told
cruel but true...Grandad is a miserable so-and-so (even worse than me)

LOL at Greensleeves son!!

it is so nice to see so many mums here admitting they snap aswell i need a stock answer... it would help to say to lighten the atmosphere when my DD decides to say 'shut up mummy' when i tell her to be quiet/put her toys away/no im not watching dora again

a friend once referred to our almost 3 year olds as three-nagers which made me laugh and also describes them so well
xx ei xx

My stock answer is, "I am not here to be liked, I am here to bring you up properly, and that's what I am doing". But this probably goes over the head of the average three year old. Makes me feel better, though.

Three year olds are very cunning. They can be as nasty as teenagers yet they look so damn cute. This is unfair.

PS I have said on another thread that 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas Phelan worked well in our house, in reminding the little blighters who was in charge (which they actually secretly prefer to ruling the roost themselves), and stopping these awful circular arguments.

That book would recommend you say "That's rude. You're on a one". Then if she does it again, you say "You're on a two". Finally if she dares to do it again, you say "Right, that's a three and go up to your room". She has to stay in her room for three minutes (one for each year of her age), with you holding the door handle ignoring any fuss and nonsense from inside if necessary, even if it is dramatic fuss such as trashing the room. You only have to do 'threes' for a couple of days before they realise what's expected of them and settle down to doing what they are told. It's a more sophisticated and manageable version of the old naughty chair.

BTW it sounds harsher here than it works in practice, and the book takes you through lots of 'what if' scenarios to introduce and perfect the technique. While it is a bit cheesy and American in tone, the psychology is quite sensible and I know a lot of people who have had success with this as an approach.

May the force be with you, my friend.

You lovely lot.

Today was the dawn of a brand new day ( I know as was up at the blardy crack of it)and I did good.
I

1. used stock phrase, 'Well, I really, love you,' when DD1 greeted me with, 'I only love daddy' this morning. She reacted by giving me a hug!

1. I ring fenced 15 minutes 'mum time' before bedtime. We got out toys of her choice and followed what she wanted to do.It was lovely.

Thank you for listening and sharing. You have helped clarify things for me and been an inspiration- really helped me find a way forward (determined to practice advice given) rather than beating myself up about past shiteness.

I think it does all sound like very normal 3yo stuff! I sometimes just give in and shriek at DS "aaaarrrrgghh! You're driving me bananas!" He finds this funny and says "No mummy. You are driving me nanas!" but at least it makes a change from the whining and hysterics. I think it's not that terrible for a child to see, just sometimes, that you are human and have had enough.

I also use distraction by surprise - in the middle of a screaming fit I say something like "OK. Are you going to come and make holes in paper with the holepuncher or shall I do it by myself" (or anything else I know he'll find fascinating) and that often (not always mind...) results in him calming down immediately and following me.

It's constant hard work though, it's tiring, and I don't even have a 9mo to deal with as well. What you said was not unforgivable - forgive yourself.

Thanks snowleopard

it wasn't unforgivable and I'm glad you both had a better day today.

My dd3 is 3y9m and I too have a non-sleeping baby (ds 10m). You have my sympathy! I resort to housework when she's driving me loopy. Either she stops yelling and insists on having a turn with the hoover (great, I get to leave her to it and go and put the kettle on!) or she carries on having a strop, I can't hear her over the hoover noise and we end up with a clean(er) house - win win situation really!

clever bumpybecky

I came on here tonight looking for exactly this kind of thread so thank you sparky. I felt like the most unforgivable bitch of a mum today cos when my 4yo told me he didn't want to be my son anymore I just said ok we'd see about finding him another family. Then we had a calm discussion on the fact that he would like to live with my dh in one house and me and ds2 should live in another. He loses his temper A LOT and is very jealous of his little brother. I find it hard to manage his tempers and mainly just make him stay in a different room until he calms down but feel that I am neglecting him by doing this. When he deliberately tries to hurt his brother I have to physically restrain him and get so fed up of doing this I do end up shouting at him and have even smacked him which is obviously such a great way to teach him not to hurt people. I just don't know what to do to help him get control of his temper.

oh MDIAO I can empathise.

This thread has really helped me. It feels like permission to begin again and use what others have said - the tips keep popping into my head when DD1 is melting down.

I have to implement behaviour managment as part of my job working with children, but transferring this when managing my own daughters behaviour has really challenged me.

somehow I let it become 'personal'and became reactive when she kicked off rather than stepping back and thinking about what DD's behaviour was telling me (i.e. she's tired/ scared/testing).

It sounds to me as if you are being really pushed and also pulled in different directions e.g. protecting your DS2.

Do forgive yourself. Come and talk on here later if that would help.

I bet you are a great mum 99.9% of the time- you are probably so struck and horrified by .1 % times that you feel you don't manage things so well because they contrast starkly with the way in which you would like to behave yourself.

Korma sounds like you have worked hard to make things better.

Thanks for sharing that-gives me hope.

a great comfort reading this thread! i have a 6mo who isn't sleeping very well, and a threenager too... ds1 has been lovely, gentle, caring, loving and very well-behaved all his short life until very recently when he's started shouting at me, being defiant, deliberately acting up, etc etc. he is still lovely about 80% of the time but the other 20%, boy does he push my buttons!

i'm finding it so hard to manage my temper. i worry that i must terrify him because i suddenly blow up when i've had enough of it all. i shout and scream, slam doors, cry and generally act like a toddler myself . so ashamed of myself.

i do know that a lot of it is to do with having ds2 about too - while ds1 actually quite likes his little brother, i find it v stressful trying to manage such differing needs. the worst points are when e.g. ds2 needs feeding, and ds1 is refusing to do x, y or z, or taking aaaaaaaaaaaaaaages over washing his hands or whatever. i can feel the stress levels rising...

i have been reading 'how to talk so kids will listen...' and the ideas are good but it's so hard to put them into practice i.e. remain calm and say 'pants up ds1. pants up. pants please. pants' when you want to scream 'come ON come ON come ON COME THE FK ON PULL YOUR SDDING PANTS UP BEFORE I DIE OF OLD AGE!!!!' sigh.

conversation we had the other night:
me: give me strength
ds1: i've got lots of strength. you can have some of mine

bless him...

asicsgirl can relate to everything you've said.

I think the temper thing (ours not theirs) must in part be to do with being absolutely knackered most of the time-don't you think?

Our 3 year old (as well as 9mth old) is waking in the night lots Sometimes she is awake for hours- will scream, cry, put up a good fight if put back to her own bed. We relented and had the 4 of us in our bed the other night.DD1 wide awake between us at 3am being shhh'd as kept making random attempts at engaging us in conversation e.g. 'Daddy, what's the German word for hello?'

By the time morning comes we are all buggered.

I just wanted to say that I have welled up at this thread and that this* is what MN is absolutely bloody brilliant at. Not narking about whether you use nannies or nurseries or breast or bottle.

My DS is not yet 2 but I'm squirrelling away all this sound advice for when he starts doing my head in.

*nb I have drunk some wine

Hear Hear spicemonster

The last few days, when faced by feeling out of my depth with DD I've reminded myself of this thread and imagined an array of lovely MN'ers standing behind me urging me on to be the paretn I want to be.

Spicemonster, quite right! It's funny to think of someone else out there getting tipsy and emotional at this We can only do our best- thank f for MN when we cock up!

My 3.5 years DS is exactly like this. Like most mums on here I have lost it occasionally and said things that I regret. My stock response when he says 'I don't love you anymore' is to say, 'that's a pity because I love you very much.' I then try to get him out of his mood, by saying 'if you don't love me then I'll have to tickle you and give you big kisses'. This normally gets him out of his mood, and I certainly feel better afterwards.