help and support please - doing controlled crying, i feel awful.

[mieowcat]

tonight, after 2weeks of very unsettled bedtime routines and last night being up till 3.30am with dd (9mths) we are doing controlled crying.
we have fed her milk, read astory, had cuddles and put her in her cot where she started screaming 35 mins ago. i cant bear hearing her so upset but know when we've 'given ' in before it makes things worse. going in to pat her etc, only upsets her more. do we sit this out, how long is too long? i feel terrible. please please advise support. xxxxxx

Are you not meant to be going in at slowly increasing intervals - have you got some instructions?

how long has she properly crying? I left my 21mth dd last night for 5mins screaming until she was almost sick (it broke my heart) but I knew she was really tired and she finally popped off to sleep. I agree it's worse if you keep going in but I wouldn't leave it so long that she is mega distressed

really feel for you. my advice would be that controlled crying is about leaving them to cry for a short time eg 5 mins, going in, doing whatever it takes to comfort, including picking up. once settled and calm, put back down and leave to cry (if crying starts again) for the same amount of time as before plus a small increment of anything from just 30 seconds extra if dc seems to be getting hysterical, to 2-3 mins extra. repeat process, adding small increments of time each time that you leave them.

So:
DOwn in cot, say night night, leave room. 5 mins of crying
Go back in, comfort, put down, say night night, leave room, 7 mins of crying
Go back in, comfort, put down, say night night, leave room, 9 mins of crying ...

This gives the message to the dc that they will get comfort but at some point they give up waiting for it to come and wear themselves out ... rather than crying and crying and crying for ages and you feeling worse and worse the whole time.

It works for me, I have used this technique on several occasions and it takes 3-4 nights at which point ds has just gone straight to sleep when put into cot. BUT all children are different and it may not work for yours. I had enough steel in my soul to do this but not to leave him simply until he just gave up - couldn't bear to leave him for 10+ minutes, and would never leave him for 30+ minutes or hours, as some people do. Absolutely NOT judging anyone who does this, it is about what you can take and what your dc respond to. Main thing is to be consistent and once you've started down a course, stick with it for several nights in a row.

HTH

Also wanted to say don't panic, there are different opinions on CC but one night won't cause lasting damage either way.

p.s and I sit right outside her door and I have got to recognise whether she is genuinely upset or it's "I don't want to go to bed" cry. We too have had a bit of an unsettled routine over the last week. Tonight she went to bed like a little angel without a sound.

also meant to say, some books I have read including possibly Baby Whisperer and GF say just pat and shush, don't pick up. Doing that winds ds up to hysterical vomiting stage... it seems like it is teasing him, going in but refusing to comfort him in the way that he needs - so may be that your dd needs to be picked up to calm down.

are you doing controlled crying or are you leaving her to cry it out?

I'd keep going in every 10 minutes to pat her. Don't talk or linger though. We did this with our 3DC and it worked. It felt so awful at the time, but it does work and we've ended up with 3 very good sleepers. Friends who wouldn't do CC have poor sleepers 11 years on

Good luck

good luck - I could never do this, if DD is crying, I'm in there until she stops! It makes me feel to ill to hear her cry.

I used controlled crying on DS2 when we decided to get rid of his dummy aged 12mth (sorry I'm a meanie!). It took barely 3 nights, you could have listed it out - first night 1 hr+ to settle, next night 30 mins, next night 15, next night 2 wails and off. He normally goes to bed happily now.

I remember listening downstairs as the silences got gradually longer and thinking, it's actually working.

Out of interest - you don't have thundering rain outside like we do - might not be the best night to start?

Are you sure she isn't teething? At that age DS had weeks on end of unsettled sleep due to pain from teething, all made worse by ongoing walking practice!

I'm with fourlittlefeet anyway, it makes me feel unwell.

Hope you get more sleep soon, I can really sympathise with the exhaustion.

oh, im so confused, maybe we are trying to let her cry it out, its just i work full time and am finding the late and unsettled nights so so hard. when we go in (before) it seems to make her crazy, so not going in is better?

there is plenty of evidence that CC and CIO are damaging to babies.

I think it's best to research and make an informed decision before attempting anything like this tbh.

if it's making you feel awful then don't do it.

comforting your screaming child isn't "giving in"

it's doing your job

Tonight will be awful, tomorrow night might be too. You may see some results after that though. If you aren't prepared psychologically to do it, maybe now is not the time. But if you can get through this, you might see a result soon. Good luck.

Mieowcat, if you're not sure about what you're doing it might be better to work out a plan like TheWheelsonTheBus posted. You do need to sit there with a watch and do it. In a few days it will be obvious if it's working and if not you could look at a different option. This is yesterday, what alternative would you suggest the poor OP isn't getting any sleep is the problem.

thisisyesterday, please can you link to evidence about damage through CC and CIO? not trying to start an argument, I am genuinely interested as have never read this and as you can see from above am an advocate of CC (but not CIO) so want to know more.

thanks.

Your poor thing. I've worked FT since DS was 6 months and he's a terrible sleeper much of the time so I really feel for you.

I'm going to post this and then say nothing else because it might be unhelpful. But I'm not a fan of CC (as I mentioned before, it makes me feel sick, my hormones rule me it seems!). Have you thought about cosleeping? Or sleeping on a mattress on her bedroom floor? It doesn't need to always be a battle, it's OK to do crazy stuff just to get some rest. People make you feel like you should be back to normal and under control by the time your baby's 9 months old but you are doing a job and being a mum and she's still pretty tiny and it is the hardest thing in the world. Give yourself a break and do whatever you need to to get rest. For me sometimes it means going to bed at 7 with DS, sometimes it means napping on my days off, sometimes it means spending the entire night with DS breastfeeding nonstop, most days it just means endless coffee! If you don't feel able to do CC (and please make sure you find out about it properly before embarking on it again tomorrow night) then don't feel you have to. She will get better in her own time.

I speak as mum to a 15 month old who has never slept through but who is now able to go into his cot at night and go to sleep all by himself (unless he's teething or has a sore tummy or a cold, like tonight )

Agree 100% with thisisyesterday about it being best to research it and then make an informed decision.

I can't face doing it with our 15 month old. She still wakes often at night and is addicted to her dummy. However like a previous poster mentioned on bad nights we often find the next day very red cheeks (teething) or snotty nose.

Best wishes with whatever you decide.

i know, trying to be strong. we have read and talked to people including HV about this technique. my instinct is just to go and cuddle her, but her sleep pattern has become a real concern, and i want it to be improved for the longer term benefits.

I would also recommend the "no cry sleep solution" by Elizabeth Pantley if for some reason you feel that CC or CIO may not be the right approach for your dd, or it doesn't seem to work.

I found this book immensely reassuring and actually helped me justify my own parenting choices.

Well the idea of CC is that you do go in and cuddle her, just at intervals, so don't feel bad.

I would go in at intervals as someone above suggested. That way she is not feeling abandoned, she knows you're there. I think it's important they know they're not abandoned, but on the other hand they know that it's bedtime and they're not going to get anything very exciting. I would try putting down and then coming back after 5 mins, staying about 2 mins and just standing by the cot but not interacting too much, then going away for 10 mins, then coming back. I wouldn't just go and leave her to cry for 35 mins, that's too long..

Also I have to say DS slept badly around 8-9 months with first teeth, even though he is generally a great sleeper.

could I just add, I wouldn't pick her up and cuddle her when you go in, just gently say 'shh' or whatever and stand there so she knows you're there, like a reassuring presence.

I'd highly recommend the no-cry sleep solution.
it isn't an overnight quick fix, as so many people seem to want. but it's a very gentle way to help with sleep problems and settle your child into a good bedtime routine.
it's all about sleep cues and helping your child feel safe and secure in bed.

personally I would do wahtever it takes to get my child to sleep without them becoming distressed. and as the mother of a 12 month old who still wakes regularly at night I do understand how awful sleep deprivation is.
at 9 months old he was still feeding at least 2 hourly and it can be crippling.

I found it helped to get to bed as early as possible, and to try and rest during the day if I could. (hard with an older sibling, but hey)