I can't take this - please tell me it will change soon

[Otterchocdog]

My DS is going through a phase where nothing ever seems to please him, and lots of stuff seems to wind him up. He's just learnt how to communicate a bit by saying "more" if he wants something and "yes" and "no" and a few other words, so I thought his frustration would ease up a bit.

It's things like this:

If I join in trying to play with him, he gets cross and slaps me and pushes me away. He will bite me, sometimes to the point where I have a nasty bruise and have to yank him off before he breaks the skin. Also pulls my hair.

If I put a sprinkle of cheese on his pasta or a swirl of honey on his porridge he gets really upset that I've changed it, and starts screaming.

I'll say "do you want your ball/duck/book" etc hoping that eventually we''l come to something he does want and he'll say no to each one, but gets frustrated and starts screaming before we find something.

If I offer him a piece of food he just tosses it across the room.

He just seems different than usual and quite angry. I just feel there is something wrong and I'm not coping with it properly.

I was quite upset looking at videos when he was younger at Christmas etc, because at the time I remember thinking "Oh this is a bit silly he's not really interested in this present" and sort of going through the motions of it (he was 8 months then) but in the video you can see that he is really interested in the paper and even in the toy inside and that I was just not really seeing it and going too fast as if he was an older child. Same on another clip where I gave him a bit of my spaghetti where he was just fumbling with it in a babyish way, playing with it (so I thought at the time)and so I took it away, but looking at the clip you can clearly see by his eyes and body language that he was trying to eat it, that was his intention, but I couldn't see it at the time. I felt sad and guilty watching it, and now I'm wondering whether something similar is happening.

The thing is we've both been ill and I've been very laid low with flu so I don't know if it is just that he is tired and convalescent and tetchy? Just like me?

I feel like I'm letting him down, he just seems disappointed and angry.

Please don't flame me with a load of psychoanalysing...it doesn't take a genius to work out that I'm probably projecting a bit (yes, I do feel a bit disappointed and angry at life in general).

Please, I need practical tips to help me be better with him. I feel like I'm really tired and needing to reach deep deep into the barrel to scrape up some cheerfulness. Maybe he senses it?

Can you try to give him a bit more control over his play, his food etc (eg maybe put out a selection of things for him to put in his bowl, on his sandwich etc.). Sounds like he wants to do things his way. Messy finger painting (if you can bear the cleaning up!) might be good for him too.

I have tried this, giving him a selection of food. Also giving him milk in a cup with no lid, which is what he seems to want. It all gets chucked onto the floor and thrown all over the table. Sometimes if I leave food out on a chair while he is playing he will eat bits and pieces without the throwing though. So I guess you are correct, it must about control - he is kicking against the system (which by the way is hardly a system at all, very laissez faire child centred etc).

HOw old is he?

How old is he?

It will pass it will pass it will pass. Everything always does. Mine are always grim for a couple of weeks after illness - the younger they are, the worse it is. Smile and have wine.

18 months. Although his speech hasn't come on amazingly quickly his comprehension is really good for his age, and he was an early walker. He's always seemed frustrated by the limitations of babyhood if you know what I mean.

It does sound like you're a bit post-viral, and he may be, too. You do need to give yourselves a chance to recover - but then when do parents ever get sick-leave?

It is, though, a perfectly age-appropriate phase he's going through - just that it's tougher than usual for you right now.

Rather than offering him an ever-increasing range of choices, give him a choice of two or at most three things. If he doesn't choose any of them just accept it. Give him a cuddle and get on with something yourself. Toddlers don't need to be actively entertained and stimulated all the time. A little boredom does them good!

If he hits you or bites etc, move his hand gently but firmly away, make eye-contact, and say in a strong serious tone "No. We do not hit." Hold the eye-contact for a couple of seconds (you may need to hold him as well), then give him a cuddle. Take his hand and have him stroke you, do something loving and gentle. Ask him to kiss you better, even.

If he doesn't like his food being changed, then don't do it. Either bring it to the table ready to eat, or give him the cheese to sprinkle himself - only a tiny bit of course, so that you don't get another screaming when you take the rest of the cheese away.

Do you ever spend some time not interacting, just watching him play? It can be quite difficult sometimes not to project your own thoughts onto the child, but to be receptive to them and to learn to read them without prejudice.

Wise words prettycandles. If I remember what life was like before the virus....yes, we do spend time just mooching, I'm a big fan of benign neglect (not all the time of course). I think you're right - it's post viral. I'm feeling crap and he probably is too.

"benign neglect" - that's good

Your wee guy sounds a bit like mine.

The food thing, I now do not change anything he has but let him if he wants to. I used to peel a satsuma and would half it which would provoke outrage - now I know to give him it whole!! I let him choose which weetabix he wants from a jar and let him pour the milk on. (takes alot longer though)...

Hitting/biting you etc is not on though and I would make it clear to him, pop him in his cot for a couple mins and when you return say clearly that he was in his cot as he was not gentle with mummy.

As for getting grumpy with his toys, sit back and read a book and see what he gets up to. Make a cup of tea and if he plays happily himself enjoy! He will soon come over if he wants you to help.

These are my tips but might be useless ideas, I must say quite often I feel I am rubbish and get low like you.

Don't be sad about the videos, you are learning about being a mum and you are getting to know your wee guy more and more. I think you sound like a brilliant caring mum and you are doing your best. I bet your DS adores you. Sounds like he is just going through a rotton phase like they all do!!

PS I think pretty candles advice is spot on, I am nicking all her ideas!

Here is my thread from yesterday. I feel your pain.

xxxx

here

I totally second everything PrettyCandles said.

Interesting what you say about the video footage though - perhaps you could try videoing you and DS now and watching it back when you're relaxed and away from him. Something might strike you from doing that (if only that DS is very very normal and you are very very tired but still doing a good job)

Jesus. Despite being obviously knackered, he protests against his afternoon nap, cries from 1.30pm until 3.30pm and ends up having a massive hysterical tantrum when I take him out in the buggy, he is really tired eyelids drooping but resisting sleep, eyes popping open every time I sneak a peak. Finally drops off at 4.30, then the moment we get in doors his eyes ping open again and we're back in crying mode. My head hurts. I'd cry myself but I've turned into an automaton.

Calpol for him, glass of wine and hot bath for you once he's asleep. You are trying to cope with a very demanding child when you're still unwell so just do what it takes to get through the next few days and it will all look better soon, once you're back to full strength

Have you got any in laws/friends who can be roped in to give you a break?

Thanks for your kind words of encouragement.

I'm feeling like such a shite parent now. DS is fighting his nap every day although I think he is ready for it ( yawning, getting over-wound etc)...This afternoon I've been trying to get him to sleep since 12.45, he seemed to go to sleep but then woke crying after 10 mins, since then I think I've made every mistake going (got him out of the cot, given him warm milk, got into bed myself and taken him with me, got annoyed because he started rolling around the bed and putting the light on, put him back in the cot and left him to cry, caved and walked in just when he was probably dropping off, ARGH) Now he has gone quiet but every now and then will start crying again...I'm in bits here. I'm going to get and get him and let him up, meaning that he'll fall asleep out int he buggy later and then won't go to sleep tonight.

Jesus I really am going totally crazy.

In all honesty, I think your expectations of how an 18 mth old should be behaving are way too high. And I don't mean that in any critical sort of way - loads of first time mums are the same and it can be an incredibly frustrating, exhausting stage. I do feel for you.

The thing is, 18 mth olds are just great big balls of emotion and will. They want-want-want, then they don't know what they want , and they are quick to smack, hit, cry, screech, chuck things about etc when they feel any sort of upset or discomfort. It's all quite normal

Suggestions:

Relax your expectations...

...of yourself: Embrace the chaos a bit. Physically relax, too. Take deep breaths when you are feeling angry or hopeless. Repeat this mantra: 'I am a great mum. I am also a human being!'. You will feel tired and annoyed and fretful and bored and a whole other array of things. Normal. It's making sure they don't make you feel utterly miserable and hopeless all of the time that is key. (see below)

...of your DS: Remember that the combination of little language and LOTS of determination and will in 18 mths olds is normal (if knackering to live with!).

Suggestion you really don't want to hear - it will get better. Or at least, these particular frustrations will disappear, to be replaced with a whole new set of annoyances (ahhh...the joy of 3 yr olds! ).

we had same sleep nap probs at that age- I got a bit rutheless (well for me anyway). had always let him sleep whenver but realised this new grumpy not getting off phase was hell for all concerned. I would put him in cot at very similar time each day after lunch, turn on music adn walk out. If crying occured would go back in after 2 minutes and say 'sleep time' give him a pat and walk back out, reapeat every 3 min 4 min adn 5 min (never got to this). Thin it had occured because he had been a bit ill and falling asleep on/with me and then these few days of that meant he stopepd being able to be on own (I can't sleep with him as I have to work in hour or so he's napping). Illness can sometimes send them sideways.
good lucck

Oh yeh, the 'see below' bit

The main forms of relief from toddler-hell for me were a combination of:

Company / friends with small children - especially kids of the same age/stage, so we could whinge to each other

Time off - I needed regular 'time off' to be able to appreciate my toddler. Spending all day ever day with him was so exhausting I found myself getting really resentful and narked if I didn't have the odd bit of time to myself.

Oh and re sleep thing. My DS would eventually nod off in his buggy at that age, so I used to go for a long walk with him every afternoon until he was snoozing happily, then go to the local cafe with a newpsaper, get a massive coffee and chill out until he woke up and started whingeing - then make a quick escape back home . I quite miss that now he is 3 yrs old.

I'm with you - my DD2 is just the same andon a good day I can be kind patient and understand the frustration of toddlerhood and realise she has a temper which needs taming with patience. On the rest of the days when I am tired and run down I feel it really is too much , I get cross with eberyone and then berate myself for being a bad mother and letting all 3 of my DC down, and also 'if I had spent more quality time with her she would now be conversing fluently and not so frustrated' talks. No psychoanalysing necessary, you're tired and run down and need a break. can DH take over at the weekend and let you have a hot bath and/or a lie in. I'm sure you're a great Mum. Toddlers are hard work but generally they turn into nice children

MrsMattie I know you mean well but please, stop with the "your expectations are too high thing". I had exactly the same thing with my mother, she thought I was overreacting etc and then when she came to look after him changed her tack to "Well he is a very spirited and expressive little boy isn't he?"

I'm comparing his behaviour this week to his behaviour literally last week. I don't have way too high expections, I am a relaxed parent, he gets plenty of down time and chance to be boisterous and free as well as stories and swings and helping me with stuff. It's not because he's my first child (I looked after my baby bro as a teen and have worked as an au pair and childminder - yes, not same as sole care I know, but you get my point - I am not green).

I'm aware that the behaviour is normal. I'm just at the end of my tether physically and emotionally and I can't react normally.

OK, sorry if I overreacted there, but honestly, I'm in a state.

Part of it is that we've been ill, part of it that DS is frankly just being a PITA, partly it is cos DH is totally absent at the moment so I'm getting narked with being on my own 24-7 etc etc

But you were just being helpful and I was a witch. Sorry

You need some decent sleep.

The tiredness is a killer.

Is there any way that you can get to bed mega early when he is sleeping tonight ?

Things are so much easier when you are not dropping on your feet.

Good luck

You gotta take your chances when you can with this one. It makes no difference what your expectations are when all you want is 5 minutes bloody peace and a chance to have a wee on your own. Think right if we get through the next hour I can have a treat - ie cup of coffee or something nice to look forward to. Try and see someone during the day - playgroup, friend - just anyone who will have you.

As far as the hitting thing goes - get cross! It is allowed sometimes! Tell him NO - turn your back and ignore him. If you really feel angry - put him back in the cot and shut the door until you calm down. I really really sympathise with you - I've felt like you do so many times and I didn't get a lot of support from anyone either. It's really a matter of keeping going :0)

The sleep in the day thing - leave him in the cot. As long as he can't get out - the worst he can do is cry - leave some toys in there with him. Go away and try and ignore the screaming - he will stop eventually. Give it a time limit - 10 mins - then 15 mins etc - it's as much about training yourself to ignore it as it is to train him. You need a break from him if he is being a pain - and his cot is the safest place for him to be.

The best piece of advice I can give you is don't torture yourself, none of us are perfect. When I look back I realise I have done things I am ashamed of - I expected far far too much from my oldest DS at a ludicrously early age. It's all part of having kids - you are getting over an illness, you feel like shit, you feel neglected and resentful. All these things will pass )

If you really truly feel they won't then please go and see your GP or HV. Can you get a babysitter and go out one night a week? I hope things look up for you soon. HUG