Ok, I NEED to know, do you tidy your dc's bedrooms or make them do it ?? Plus HOW can I stop the mess

[IllegallyBrunette]

I have Dd1(10), Dd2(8) and Ds(5).

Currently I aks Ds to put toys away, he kind of flings them in the right direction and I do the rest, so his room is generally ok most of the time.

Dd1 is currently living in a shit hole to be frank. She has a small room, with bed, wardrobe, chest of drawers and desk. Her bed is a divan with storage section underneath.
The state of her room is a constant sore point between us with her argument being, that if it is all on the floor, then at least she knows where it is.
My argument, is that things get lost and broken because of the state of her room.
My mum thinks that dd should be made to help tidy it, but that I should keep it up.

Dd2 has a big room with bed, huge wardrobe, shelf unit and chest of drawers, but her is also messy, although not to the extent of dd1.
Dd2 loves books and so they are everywhere, on the shelves, in her bed, all over the floor, all over the window sill etc. She also still has alot of toys which I think she is now getting too old for ie pram, dolls dolls and more dolls.
My mum also thinks that I should tidy dd2's room to keep the peace and save on arguments.

As it is at the mo I nag, they moan and pick a couple of things up and thats it, so I nag some more. Occasionally I will give in and clear the whole room out on the understanding that they keep it up, and they don't. Dd1's room can go from pristine to a bomb site within 24 hours.

I have taken to just shutting the doors on their rooms as I don't want to look at it.

Both have left for school this morning with their blinds still shut, lights on and floors covered.

Is there a secret to finding a happy medium ?

Yes, but at what point do you draw the line? DD's extended games can go on for weeks, mutating along the way, and gradually taking up more and more of her room.
BTW for those interested in DH's obsessive compulsive lego tidying, it doesn't involve specific models in specific boxes, cos DD's lego came as random 2nd hand mixed bricks (thank the lord!), but it does involve all the two stud bricks in one compartment, all the 4 studs next to them . . . you get the picture. And yes, I do make him tidy them. IMO life is too short to sort lego bricks by type

When i was 6yrs old and my brother 3yrs old, we shared a bedroom and we had LOTS of lego and it was all over the place.
My mum got fed up of picking it up everynight so she would just let us mess up our room and never bothered to sort it out.
She had depression so slept a lot even when she was supposed to be looking after us.
A few months later she had to do something about it, because we ended up with mice, because my little brother kept eating cheese (gruyere) and leaving the rinds on the floor.
I still shudder to this day

It's their space. They should get to choose how they want it IMO.

If they want it messy, then like someone said upthread, step 1 = shut door, step 2 = open wine

If they want it tidy, then you can offer ways to help make that easier via storage or you helping them when they need it. My philosophy on all of this is that if we think that there is a value in having things tidy, then we need to share that in a way which is persuasive, and forcing or nagging someone to do something isn't terrifically persuasive in the long run. I would tend to be there helping a child do the tidying if they wanted me to rather than insisting on them doing it themselves. Modelling my agreement that a tidy bedroom is preferable to a messy one.

And actually, if people in my family want something neat and tidy but do not have the time or inclination to do it themselves, then someone else in the family tends to help them (adults getting helped as well as children). Every time we put an object in a place where someone else will be able to find it and use it, that is a gift to that person. Giving gifts to the people we love gives one a real warm glow! (and receiving the gift of a clean kitchen gives me a pretty damn warm glow as well, I have to say)

but if you think a room should be tidy and noone else wants to clean it, then the right thing to do is either to change your mind about whether it should be tidy or not, or clean it yourself IMO. Especially if it is not your room.

onwardandupward, I wish my life was like yours (at least as far as tidiness goes)

I totally agree in principle that it is DD's space, and she should get to choose. I also agree in principle that we should be modelling a nice tidy house.

In practice, it gets messier and messier until she can't play. Similarly, the rest of the house gets messier and messier until DH & I can't bear it. The difference is that at that point, we tidy up.

Sadly, in general, DD does not experience tidying in her room as a gift to her! Partly, to be fair, because we tend to remove the large amounts of leaves, twigs, plants, dead insects, shells, stones and other random items that she collects and put them outside on the grounds of (a) hygene, and (b) space.

Ripeberry
I'm not depressed but the hygiene issue is why we have a no food upstairs rule in our house!

Takver, the bedroom extended games get put away in our house once a week when we vacuum. If they are in the living room they get put away if we are entertaining (not that often!) or when I am planning to do my exercise DVD and need the space (about once a week).

Like you say, it has to be put away from time to time otherwise they lose interest in messing up creating something in that space.

Could you let your DD choose a box for her 'treasures' and agree that the overfill has to go back outside. That way she will keep only the most special?

Otherside, i was not implying that it means that anyone is depressed if they let their kids bedrooms get in a mess.
I just tell my DD1 and DD2 that they have half an hour to tidy up their room or anything that is left on the floor/in wrong place will be put in a big black bag and put in the attic for 6 months.
That usually gets them moving.
If they call my bluff i will do it but they always chicken out as soon as they see the black bag.
Seems cruel, but they know the toys are not being destroyed, just out of reach

My DS1 is a 'nature collector' as well. He constantly brings home, 'special sticks', 'special stones', leaves, conkers, feathers etc etc etc.

He has a treasure box - actually it's the box his bookstart books came in - and they have to live in there. Every now and again I check it to make sure there's nothing too manky hiding inside it and if there is it gets chucked while he is at school. He's never noticed yet!

I agree that kids should have the 'extended games' going but for no more than a week surely?

My dcs love to play in their rooms once tidy - it's just a nicer space.

I make mine tidy when it gets horrific, although I do wish I could get them to do it weekly.

DD is 9 and until last year I did used to go up with her to help tidy. She is definitely old enough to do it herself now but she doesn't know where to start (very much like me when I am trying to de-clutter and clean house!).

I find the best thing to do is list the jobs she has to do to get job done (1. put books on shelf. 2. put dirty clothes in basket and so on until its time to sweep dust and mop). She then gets the pleasure of crossing off and seeing list go down. I do think she is too young at the moment to do it without that help.

Ds is 3 and tbh he is the laziest person I have ever come across so I find it easier to do his room myself, but I will get him involved in putting books away.

Two of them share room, pretty untidy. Never tidy it first twenty or so times they are asked. Tell them they have x amount of time to do it then anything left on floor is going in bin bag. Usually works. If asked to put clothes away they stuff them in toy boxes so I don't find them for several days. Either that or under bed sheets or actually in the duvet. In addition to this they scoop anything on the top of drawers into the open top drawer, eg cd's. army men, pens, pencils, tissues, toy cars, lots of loose change, rubber bands, underpants etc. Revolting. I then, when can be bothered, bin the lot. If they can't be bothered then they can get lost. Same goes for toys they break - all gets binned. Too many people in our house to be untidy.

I give up. its just not gonna happen and Im sick of repeating myself. Their bedrooms are rank and I make myself too unhappy/ratty/exhausted sorting it out.