i feel like a bad parent, my daughter is 3...........

[TheJackoLanternMuggle]

and i feel so low, and to the point i'm nearly pulling me hair out. I don't know if its a phase shes going through or its a rebellion thing.

I'm 25, i've gone back to college full time for a career change, so i'm at college most of the day during the week, DD is at pre school daycare.Mon & Fri and occasionally weds, i finish college and go straight to work, so those days she hardly sees me (which i feel guilty for already) but i'm doing this not only to better myself and to have a better life for us later on. My Partner is not my DD father and we've known each other just over a yr. but they get on really well and DP is so good with her. just lately DD is being really naughty, not doing as asked, getting up at crack of dawn at a weekend, and expects full attention straight away, i have to give myself 5-10 mins to wake up. DP has a cold so he's feeling pants as it is. DD just refuses to do as shes told. we take her out at weekends for days out and shes soo naughty i feel so embarrased not only for me but for DP to i don't know what to do. she gets told off, put on naughty step and gets treats & toys taken off of her. i really don't knwo what to do.

Any advice i would be gratefull

I am sorry to sound negative, I dont mean it in a judgey way, but it sounds like she could be acting up because she isnt getting enough attention. You say you hardly see her Mon-Fri. Well that is pretty much the majority of her life then. Fair enough, you are doing it for good reasons but she doesnt understand those reasons. She just wants to be the centre of attention like any 3 year old.

She could be being "naughty" because any attention is better than no attention.

I agree with COAFO - your DD isn't getting much maternal/parental time.

I think you should probably forget about the naughty step and punishment and lavish her with affection and attention...

She has my full attention friday upto 5:30pm as i go to work then, ad on a saturday and sunday, she has my full attention as well as DP. we take her out but shes just as naughty and i think why should we take her out when wshes being like that?

what you thin?

Genuine, non-judgemental question: do you have to work on top of going to college? Could you cope on a benefits budget if it meant your DD could see more of you? Or does your living situation (presumably with DP) mean you have to work?

i spoil her every saturday, we go out shes gets presents we go to park etc, we play we do lots of arts and crafty stuff - not that i'm creative.I love my baby to bits and shes such a sweet little girl when she behaves herself, and i miss her when shes not around. and i do feel guilty for being away from her so much in the week, but i'm doing this for our future.

I don't necessarily think it's the amount of time you're not there, but maybe your attitude when you are

of course she "expects full attention straight away". She is 3, and she has not seen you all week.

"why should we take her out when wshes being like that?"

that's not the way to treat a 3 year old

I think you need new parenting strategies which involve being with her, rather than against her. She's after attention and you are giving her the naughty step and taking things off her.

"shes gets presents"

no stop buying her

presents aren't attention or parenting

at the moment, i need to work just to bring in that extra bit of income, as brought a house last year and needs a bit of work doing to it, so the extra income helps with that.

stop feeling guilty for being away from her

stop buying her presents

give her loving attention when you are there

you sound stressed and guilty tbh

cappuccino - trust me i have a very big patient span and the last thing i normally do is the naughty step, i don't buy presents in the way you think, when we go shopping on a saturday, she gets her weekly magazine and maybe a bag of magic stars. If she sees something else then i may pick it up if i have the money. and if you think i;m a bad mum say, but everyone around me knows i'm trying my best - i just feel at the end of my tether at the mo.

If the work's essential, that's understandable, but if it's not and as the college course is presumably 2 years maximum, it might be worth considering going back afterwards, by which time your DD will be 5 and at school. If you're also aiming for university then, it can be a far better situation both financially and with childcare.

She needs be be getting routine attention every day rather than all of what she should have over the week at the weekend instead. How are things with DD's dad? Can he support during the week?

"just lately DD is being really naughty, not doing as asked, getting up at crack of dawn at a weekend, and expects full attention straight away, i have to give myself 5-10 mins to wake up"

this is perfectly normal 3 year old behaviour. I have one.

it isn't anything to do with your college course

just relax and play with her. Stay in and play with her toys rather than subjecting yourself to horrid outings every weekend. Just chill out, is all I am saying. You have a hard week so make it easier on yourself

my dd (3.10) has spent the morning playing with her farm. I played with her for half an hour and then sloped off and had some coffee. Then I came back for a bit, then I put a load of washing on. As long as she gets bits of playtime she is fine.

I'd buy the How to Talk book as well, I found it helped when dd2 was at her most insane.

(If the work on the house is essential I mean - and considering going back to work afterwards, not college )

We are just going to take her to feed the ducks as its a lovely day.

your right i am stressed, and i do feel guilty - but i know what i'm doing is for our future and good for me.

Something has to change, doesn't it? And that has to be you, given dd is three and not capable of thinking 'there's a problem here, I know how to solve it'.

It does sound as if she wants more of your attention. I know you are working and studying for a better future but she doesn't understand that, she's three, she just wants her Mummy. So you have to be there for her LOTS when you are around.

Sympathise with the 5/10 minute when you wake up thing but small children really don't get other people's needs. They are awake, they want to play!

What I'm saying is, your dd's wants and needs are entirely normal and appropriate. You are struggling to meet them for all sorts of grown up reasons but she doesn't know that and even if she did it wouldn't make any sense to her. So you've got to find a way to give her more attention and security as much as/as often as possible.

you have a 3 year old

you dont get 5-10 mins to yourself when you wake

end of

give her more attention
stop expecting her to act like an adult

All 3-y-os can be horrid!

I'd forget the Saturday "spoiling", and go for "boring" time with her. She won't care if she misses treats and so on - all she wants is to spend time with you, even if you're loading the washing machine or whatever (get her to "help" by sorting washing into piles or something!)

As for her wanting you immediately on waking - well, of course she does. She doesn't see you much, so when you are there, she's going to want to make the most of it! She can't possibly understand yet why you're out so much - she's still at the stage where everything revolves around her.

The best kind of time you can spend with a child is this kind of boring time. And that way, you don't need to worry about her playing up in public either!

3-y-os don't need heaps of special treats. They need parents who want to just be in the same room as them whenever they're able.

FWIW, my DCs (now 4 and 6) don't get weekly magazines. DS can earn a Beano if he's really, really good, which happens every now and then!!!

You obviously have a tough time, and I sympathise with you for that.

thanks trinity thats helpful!

we've played with her train track this morning, DP is kicking a ball about with her now. I'm just trying to get ready to go out, they are all ready.

'and if you think i;m a bad mum say, but everyone around me knows i'm trying my best'

I think you want to be called a bad mum because you have got yourself into a guilt mode.

I have a two year old dd - i'm working sometimes 50 - 60 hours a week at the moment and she is acting up like never before.

I try to make the most of time we have together. The best quality time i find, is free (the park is excellent)

Just do as much as you can do - don't be hard on your dd. She is just trying to get your attention in the only way she knows how (even negative attention takes your time)

Don't be hard on yourself either - its not forever and you're building a future for yourselves - and thats what you have to keep telling yourself.

Dot she is really good when it comes to housework, when we do washign she sorts hers out when i do mine, she has her own little hoover etc. so is really good.

I don't understand you say dd is at preschool on a friday yet you say you look after her until 5.30 ???

Agree you need to give her more individual attention - can you not get yourself up 10 minutes before her to give yourself time to wake up and then if you have time in the morning do something special - maybe eat breakfast under the kitchen table, let her choose your clothes for the day, have a bath/shower togeter, not every day but as a one off, every so often.

Can you cut down your hours at work? Are you able to finish college early on any day and start work a bit later on that day too so you could pick DD up early from preschool and take her out - to the park, to the zoo, for a bike ride - just the 2 of you, before heading off to work.

Have you got photos of the 2 of you, and the fun things you have done, or could you do a "phto shoot" both get dressed up and jump about on your bed whilst your camera takes photos, maybe using old photos you can make a scrapbook/photo album and talk about how lucky you are to have her, what fun you had together etc.

Agree that maybe she can help you with putting washing in the machine - my youngest charge likes throwing the dirty washing down the stairs from upstairs etc.

She is 3 and still little, she needs to know you love her which you do and the only way she knows to do that is to get your attention and unfortunatley we tend to only notice when children play up than when they are playing nicely - so lots of praise for playing nicely, saying thank you, eating well (anything and everything) - ignore attention seeking behaviour, unless it will harm her/someone else.

Jacko - see! You are saying something good about her!!

That should be a good reminder that it's not all awful, even if it sometimes feels that way.

But my point wasn't about getting her to do housework: it was about spending dull, everyday time with her. Paradoxically, it's that kind of time that makes children feel special. If she feels that you really enjoy just being with her in the limited time that you have together, she's likely to play up less. Don't forget that things like outings may be treats to us, but small children can see them as an inconvenient distraction from what they really want to do (namely jump on you in bed, "help" you make the lunch, and get you down on the floor playing with their dolls!!)

All 3yos really demanding IME. That's just life.

Twims i didn't mean to put friday at school -shes never at schoolon a friday unless i really need her to be.

Dot i try to include her, but DD being DD is very stubborn knows what she wants etc

We went and fed the ducks today, and she was so well behaved it was nice until we got to the sea, and she kicked one off because she didn't like the smell of the sea.

Not liking the smell of the sea (or the look of a certain set of stairs, or anything with long sleeves, or anything green, or, or, or...) is, I'm afraid, all very normal behaviour for a 3-y-o!!

Some children are more demanding than others (I know - I have one). Most of them are ok by the time they're 18 (or so I keep trying to remind myself...)

I think I'm not making my point clearly enough, so I should probably go elsewhere!