I feel like the worst mother on the planet! having problems with dd

[notnuftime]

Hi
Some of you might remember I talked about my dd on here she was told to go on a diet she was only 8 at the time, my dd is taller than her friends at school and she is wider.she has smelly armpits and has spots on her upper arms and face which she is really self concious about.Well school health nurse weighed her today and she is now 9st she is only 9 yrs old!!! My god how/what do I do? I feel like it is my fault but I dont feed her junk food we have home cooked food none of this processed rubbish,she has a small treat from the bakers every thurs, she drinks water we never go to any fast food places.I feel like I have failed as a mum to her.School health nurse has said we have to go to Gp to speak to her about my dd well she will probly say oh yes put her on a diet,I dont want to do that you start the weight issues now and it is a slippery slope (my mum was anorexic).
PLease mumsnetters what do I do that I am not doing already.I thought a peanut butter sandwich when she gets in from school was ok apparently it is not,I have to chuck the milkshake powder juice stuff out it is full of sugar,so after chucking everything out what do I feed her?We have carrot sticks in the fridge I buy a big bag of them and chop them up,same with cucumber and cheese.
We always try to have a bowl full of fruit available being single mum it is pricey, price of grapes has shot up and peaches think it was 69pence for one in our sainsburys!So please help

At least you know there is a problem and are prepared to deal with it!

Weetabix and milk and banana for breakfast.

fruit for break

Sandwich, LF yoghurt, chopped up veg, school bar for lunch

Low fat dinner ie fat free chilli con carne, LF spag bol.

Most meals can become low fat if you think about it. I dont think I would mention it to her tbh. Just make subtle changes. No more trips to the bakers.

shop at Lidl, Aldi, Asda or morrisons - much much cheaper and you will get sooooo much more for your money.

Look at her portion size.

She might be have a healthy diet but is simply eating too much of everything.

home cooked food can be very high in fat without you realising it.

Cut out most sweets/puddings/yogurts etc

Lots of fruit and veg and salad

Wholemeal pasta and rice

Semi or skimmed milk

fruit is not that much more expensive than processed sweets or cakes or treat from bakers etc.

Plus you need to increase her exercise levels- trampoline? swimming? walks?

and rather than give her an apple - make a fruit salad. It is easier to eat and looks so much more delicious.

Tinned fruit in it's own juice would be fine for this too.

To treat her dont give food or sweets. Buy her some hair clips or a pen or stickers or something she likes...........

There's quite a good section on the bbc website about children's nutrition - here www.bbc.co.uk/health/healthy_living/nutrition/life_children1.shtml just to give you a bit more background, and also sites like Weightwatchers often have low fat meal recipes which really can shave the calories off without you noticing much.

I think majeika is right, don't make it a big diet thing, just make some changes and bin the bakers treat for now (you can use cost as an excuse so she doesn't feel bad).

Do go to your gp though, and maybe ask for a hormonal check. If she's getting spots she may possibly have a small imbalance - or early puberty. Even if it is not that, your gp might be able to help with a referral to a nutritionist or someone like that to help you. Good luck.

the only puddings or sweets or desserts she has is at school so do I tell them not to give her or offer her these things? after her tea here she will have a yogurt or a piece of homemede flapjack is that wrong?
Also this is what we typically eat at home not all at the same time this is spread out during the weeks:
Jacket potato with tuna sweetcorn and salad cream,
Shepherds pie little bit of mince the rest is bulked up with lentils and a tin of beans and the usual stuff that goes in ,it is homemade,spag bol again little mince, quiche,salad and small amount of homemeade wedges,
tuna pasta bake,
fishfingers,mash and peas,homemade pizza served with salad,beans on toast,scrambled eggs on toast,oriental pork noodles(which is basic noodles and stirfry and some pork mixed together)we always have tins of fruit in the cupboard I usually make them up with a tin of fruit in them,is that wrong?
The only problem is when she comes home if she has a cooked hot meal at school then we try not to have another cooked meal dd and ds have something light like an omelette or beans on toast or scrambled egg on toast.

You need some proper dietary advice from your GP (or get them to refer you to a dietician).

Get her involved in some sort of regular physical activity - make it something fun.

You say she is very tall and is suffering from B.O - could shde be going through early puberty? this could be contributing to her weight and /or appetite.

Don't panic. You are obviously a caring mum who wants to do the best for your child. I hope your GP is symapthetic and offers you some support and advice. Good luck.

Can I come at this a different way?

maybe don't make this about food - you sound like a lovely mum who is feeding your DD a good balanced diet..

Could you try and do more exercise every day? Cycle to school or walk a dog (shelters let you walk them if you don't want to get one), gym classes, take up a sport, swimming...

THere are loads of things that could help your DD burn up calories which are fun, instead of it being a really negative 'must eat less'

Just an idea?

Do you know how much she is eating at school? If she is having 3 portions of spotted dick and custard or whatever at lunchtime then your home efforts are not going to get very far.

How does your daughter feel - is she aware she is overweight, is she open to having a healthy eating challenge and/or an exercise challenge with non food treats to aim for eg trip to cinema, new top etc. Dare I ask whether you have a weight issue - could this be a joint venture for you both? It could have benefits for you too!

I would echo others' comments about portion sizes - she should have half as much on her plate as you would serve yourself. Perhaps try to put her food on a smaller plate so you can actually see how much food is there IYSWIM. Get some weightwatchers cookbooks - they are great and you really can't tell they are low cal meals.

You need to do this with her and get her enthused about being healthy (not thinner - emphasis on body shape might lead to problems later)but also be honest with yourself about what food and how much is actually being eaten - it's very easy to "forget" about the odd treat and the actual ingredients that go into your lovely home cooked food.

thanks for your lovely ideas.
I get so cross with the school I think they should help more,they had a tag rugby at lunch times and she loved it surprise surprise they stopped it,then dd came home with a letter saying can i do netball please yes course you can,she loved it both of these things were free and my daughter came home happy now guess what they stopped the netball aparently there was too many wanting to do it and she got booted out as did some others but it is funny how the ones left all knew each other and seemed to be in a clique!!(cant spell sorry).In my days at school I remeber there being swimming lessons with the school now they dont do it anymore,my dd and ds have had 5 lessons this year then it will stop no more lessons.
I have debts up to my ears and I can just barely afford heating,clothes,food and if I could I would work but health is not too good so I cant afford lessons at the leisure centre.We have a big trampoline in the garden she jumps on that and they have bikes, I try to take them up to the park but I struggle I cant walk far and when I get to the park I cant sit on the benches for long.I am trying to get them fit but as someone said I think it is puberty so did school nurse once but now it is focus on weight,but again thank you

Yes I have weight issues I am not slim I have lots of health probs that contribute and dont help it,I have PCOS and FIbromyalgia,IBS my mum is big my half sister is bigger than me and she is younger than me.Their real dad is slim.

hope you don't mind me asking but are you a lone parents as you don't mention her father. Have you any extended family who could go on bike rides with her, take her to the park. A net ball ring and ball in the garden is quite cheap really, maybe as a xmas present?

Puberty is well on it's way, she may be due a growth spurt that may take care of some of her weight - how tall is she? because 9 stone sounds a lot for her age but if she is 5 foot tall it's not very heavy for her height.

Switch her to skimmed milk, because she still needs a fair bit of calcium. Chicken, fish and lean lean beef, or a couple of eggs for protein. Fill half her plate with veg, nice filling ones like carrots and cauliflower - DON'T butter them. Don't mention what you are doing, and you do this with her - if you start getting too thin you can stock up when she is iin bed. Sell it as a healthier life for the whoel family.

sorry to hear about your health issues...

but maybe this is the time to have a real rethink of all sorts of things to benefit you AND your daughter?

Are packed lunches an option for her so that you can have complete control over what she eats when you are not there and at home after school? I do think that at age 9 she might not be as self conscious and be more open to a "challenge" than if you left it till she was in her teens when habits will be hard wired and more difficult to change.

Are there friends she could go to the park with - at 9 is she mature enough to go out on her own (obviously don't know where you are but I let my own out to play at that age) Are there football or netball clubs she could join at the weekend - they may be cheaper or free than doing things at a leisure centre. Could you or friends / family go swimming regularly - my local pool does discount for local residents which cuts down the costs.

I feel really passionate about kids doing exercise and being healthy but know it is really difficult to achieve the aim - there is a lot of temptation out there and there is nothing like the feeling of baking and cooking lovely grub for your offspring, and hang the butter content

I do hope you are able to sort this one out..

As well as portion size just watch for the little things that are quite high/calorie that she is getting

cheese, salad cream/mayo, flapjack (could try making it a lower fat/sugar version), roast wedges etc (literally use the tiniest amount of oil to stop sticking). Just little things like that without cutting out altogether can make a difference.

I lived in the Netherlands for a year I put on tonnes of weight (and lost it without trying when I left) purely I think because I started eating cheese most days (never used to eat it) and hotchocolate because I don't like their "coffeemilk" so stopped drinking coffee. This was despite cycling everyday and not having a car anymore......

I do think you should try her with a packed lunch as dinner ladies at school sometimes allow unlimited seconds, which is very clorific if it's chips, or pizza, or cheesey pasta

awww thanks dashboard thats nice to hear makes me feel not too bad.
How do I make healthier flapjacks? I already use lower fat butter?
There was a father but we divorced he now lives miles away doesn't have an active role in upbringing dd and ds.He sees them every other weekend and I have told him too keep an eye on their diet and what he gives them he would rather take them to chicken shop or McD's but to be honest they prefer a sandwich or pasta.
I only give dd and ds school dinners because I get them free with being on income support but it is no problem to do packed lunches.At school there is an option of a hot meal or a sandwich/wrap or bap but I have heard from dd that she can have seconds now that she is in yr4 how crazy is that!!! We are trying to get them to eat helthily and they are giving them seconds,the other day she had a cheesy pasta thing and had seconds of it.Do I go in an ask the headmaster what is going on or do I start making packed lunches?
I am really really worried about this I am scared for my dd's health my ds seems ok.

yes she is mature enough to go out on own she goes to the library on her own.The park and library isn't far from here.It is just that I get severe agony walking to the park and back I have a partner but he is always working,even at the weekends.

what everyone else said really. You need decent advice from GP/dietician about how many calories a child her age should have on average and work it out from there.
If you get it under control now then the weight should drop off as she grows without her feeling liie she is on a diet.
Porridge is a good breakfast. Cheap and very filling.
The early puberty thing makes me wonder if there might be more too it. Did she have a blood test?
Do you walk to school? That might help even if its slow cos of your health issues. The GP might also be able to prescibe exercise so a swim session would be free.
Good luck

I feel for you and your daughter. I defintley agree that the 'diet' route is not appropriate for a child but prehaps you could do with healthy eating advice? I'm not having a go - just think it might help. FWIW, peanut butter and cheese are bothe V. high in fat - although they are not junk I would have thought that your DD needs to be eating in small doses.

Does DD do much exercise? Hope you get things sorted. You sound like a great mum who wants to make things better.

It is true what another poster said that home cooked food can be high in fat and the portins can be big - thats the problem in our house.