Is it abnormal to still feel anxious and not completely joyful at being a parent when your DS is almost 16 weeks?

[nothavinggreattime]

Sorry for the v long entry!. I feel guilty even typing this but I need to know if what I feel is abnormal. My DS is almost 16 weeks and I can't say I am 100% enjoying the experience of parenting. I am an anxious/stressed person at the best of times and this just seems to have hit all my buttons.

I have spoken to my HV and GP about PND and it is agreed I have high anxiety (tho not depression) which we are dealing with (I am going to see a behavioural therapist, not just because of the baby but for my life in general). I was offered tablets but really didn't want to take them and instead I have been having occasional acupuncture.

I do love my DS and have times of feeling incredible love for him but on the whole I feel scared, scared of him even. He has the most monumental scream (to me anyway) and sometimes I feel like he uses it with purpose, calculatedly, which is probably not true. I do go places with him but I can feel my stress levels rise sometimes and also I find myself apologising for his 'behaviour'. I am constantly evaluating my behaviour toward him, e.g. if I give in to his cries he will know that he can do it to get attention or if I avoid putting him on his back, which he hates, I am pandering to him. BTW, he is also beautiful and smiley and chatty to people. I am driving myself mad.

I went to an NCT tea group yesterday where 2 of the mothers (similar aged babies) were saying how much they were enjoying motherhood and basically how easy they were finding it. I am finding it very unrelaxing and basically that I am not made for this. I also feel as though my baby deserves better than this.

I am scared to look back and regret not enjoying this time and whilst things have got easier I just can't get past this scared feeling. Is this abnormal?

TOTALLY TOTALLY normal. I'll say this in a whisper but I actually think that the first six months are the hardest thing known to man and I don't think I really bonded with/really liked (as opposed to loved, which I did) my DS until then. It's totally normal to feel horribly overwhelmed. I did. For weeks I cried almost every day. Ignore the silly bints who say how amazing and easy motherhood is. It isn't. They probably cry every day too. I don't think anyone 100% enjoys it, TBH. There are fabulous times and awful times at all ages.

The only thing which helped me was getting out the house. My DS started music classes (singing) at 2.5 months because I needed to get out of the house and do something different. An activity means you don't have to talk to all those women who swear that their DC slept through the night from 11 days old or whatever.

I think your 'evaluating your behaviour' thing needs to be chucked out the window asap. it's a recipe for unhappiness. Try to let it go as much as you can. Just pander to him, do whatever your feel is your instinct and then let it go. Everyone makes mistakes and frankly I always said to myself that babies can't remember anything of this time when they are so as long as you are doing your best you can do whatever and not worry about setting bad habits etc. PLEASE don't stress. It's hard and I hate the fact that there apppears to be a real veil of silence over this.

You'll be fine. My mantra was 'this too will pass' when it got really hard (that and ringing my DH at work fifteen times a day!).

LittleOneMum THANK YOU! I will reply properly later but the screamer (except that he isn't, he is playing happily away on his chair) has awoken. You have already made me feel A LOT better, honestly. I need somehow to get past my fear of him crying/screaming...that seems to be my problem. Fear. But to know that it is normal to feel anxious still is so reassuring.

I hated the first 4-5 months of my son's life. Everyone told me that I will look back and regret NOT enjoying his early days. Total CRAP rubbish. My DS was such a grumpy baby that I often spent the whole day holding him and doing not much else. I tried desperately to BF and I failed and it made me so miserable. I cried with him loads of time... I don't think I had PND either but I was desperately unhappy.

Things started getting better at about 4 months. But now at 7 months, things couldn't be any better. He's still a handful and a little monkey who throws tantrums when he doesn't get his own way but he is also really cheeky, he laughs at loads of silly things and smiles at everyone... Everyone comments on what a happy baby he is. If they only saw how much I suffered that first few months. I would love to have another one but I can't face those first few months ever again...

I was much like you, and the health visitor sent me on an Anxiety Management course, which helped a lot, but I think much of it just eases over time. A MNer said to me at the time, 'You'll always worry, but not be in this hothouse of panic'.

Dd had terrible colic too, which I don't think helped.

I am much better now, as dd is 16mo, and I see things I've seen before so I don't panic as much. I took her to A&E the first time she had a feve.

Or even a fever.

I agree, first time round and first 6 months were hell, but I took the drugs for about 4 months on a low dose and I really found they helped get me on an even keel. I felt ashamed about it but shouldn't have, I think they counteracted the hormonal trouble I was having (prozac in low doses is also used for sever PMT I think). After my second I had less trouble but am only now 17 mths later beginning to have a normal monthly cycle, emotionally speaking (i.e. emotional/anxious/cuper-cross for a week and a half per month). It's really good that you have recognised all is not well and are seeing professionals, well done.

My baby seems to be SO vocal about his feelings, i.e. I HATE being in my pushchair, I HATE being on my back, that I have often said to my DP, is there anything he likes? This is on days of frustration and little sleep. As I type he's cooing and smiling at me from his chair but clearly wanting to be picked up, will strop shortly I am sure.

But I see other babies in groups I go to who just loll about in their pushchairs while my one protests at so many things. I know I shouldn't care or worry but I do. I also know that me worrying about it doesn't help or stop his protests, if they're going to happen they're going to happen. I am sitting here thinking that I will need to get out with him soon cos he may lose it, instead of waiting until he does.

Just hoping I can get a handle on it all soon and just be.

Guess what, he just lost it! Out the door for us....

Please don't worry too much, there's research (somewhere) on how a mother reacts when her baby cries and there's all sorts of physical stress responses that occur in your body to make sure you tend to him -so no wonder you feel anxious. It's very hard, particulary if you're used to the more controllable world of work - to suddenly get used to the total and utter unpredictability of small children and not to panic that your life will never be the same/ the baby will never sleep/ you wil always feel so anxious.

I remember feeling so wired by the whole thing that when ordered to go and have a relaxing bath by DH my body was so tense lying in one position that I gave myself leg cramps!

Please do ignore the NCT get -together "we all spend every minute cooing over our babies and never ever feel stressed/anxious/wonder if we've done the right thing".

My NCT group unintentionally made me feel awful - I was glad when my babies went to sleep because I was knackered and it meant I could eat and have a bit of a break. It didn't mean I didn't love them in my book, just that I was human and needed a rest! They all waxed lyrical about how they spent the whole time their baby slept just sitting watching them and smiling.

A year on a lot of truths gradually came out, we all loved our babies - some of the mums did creep in and smile at their babes once they were asleep but a lot of it had been people not quite being honest/painting a rather rosy picture/thinking they had to present a certain image.

Do you have much help/chance for a break? I had very little help and I think that contributed to the anxiety, especially having no one to reassure me that I was doing the right thing.

The best bit of advice I see again and again on MN, is "this too shall pass" and it really will get easier. It sounds like your GP and HV are keeping an eye on you which is great. I remember asking my GP at my 6 week check whether I was abnormal as I felt exhausted and a bit flat rather than blissfully loved up. His reply was that he'd be more worried if I seemed ecstatically happy as that was far less typical of exhausted new mothers!

first 6 months are horrific. it gets better x

Hi again all, babe asleep and sitting with my one glass of wine for the night.

Thank you all SO much, feel better for your comments .

LittleOneMum you are right that my evaluating behaviour should be ditched. I am often my own worst enemy. I didn't realise that so many people found the first 6 months so difficult, I have always been told that the first 12 weeks are hard and then it should start to get better. Well it has got a bit better but I still don't feel right (as have already said). I agree with you that it's not good that there is a veil of silence over the issue.

hated the first 4-5 months of my son's life. Everyone told me that I will look back and regret NOT enjoying his early days. Total CRAP rubbish. My DS was such a grumpy baby that I often spent the whole day holding him and doing not much else. I tried desperately to BF and I failed and it made me so miserable. I cried with him loads of time... I don't think I had PND either but I was desperately unhappy.

Angel1976, it is really reassuring to know that you dealt with a grumpy baby initially but you are now very happy. People do say it gets better but I guess you don't believe it until it happens. That and the fact that I kept getting told that it would all change after 12 weeks has made me feel distressed at times. I really can't imagine having another baby although I do hope that changes as I never wanted an only child.

Hattyyellow, I don't have any family in this country . My DP's family are lovely and very supportive but I guess it's not quite the same. I do have some fantastic supportive friends however but there is only so much you want to impose on their lives. And also on so much I want to bang on about how freaked out I feel at times.

Philpot you shouldn't feel ashamed for taking the pills, there are quite a few women in one of the groups I go to who have and I often wonder whether I would still feel this way if I had, that's why I'm worried I am going to look back and regret.

Thank you Jennyusedtobepink and Philpot, it's so good to know that you have felt similar thoughts and come out the other side!!!

Don't know what happened to that message, I seem to have parts of other people's entries in it???

I just want to reiterate that it's totally normal IME to feel miserable and anxious and unhappy and freaked out and sad and stressed and fearful of crying.

Your hormones are your driving force and they make you feel physically ill when your baby cries. My DS had "colic" (was basically mega-overtired) and this time last year I was posting on here every few days asking for help because I just couldn't cope with his sleeplessness and crying. I identify with your feelings of fear.

What makes it a million times worse is that every doctor/HV/old woman at the bus stop tells you is "Oh, it gets better at [insert milestone of choice]", which is bollocks. It gets better when it gets better. For me it was 5 months, for most people it's before then, for some it's after that.

All you can do is slog it out and try to stay calm. It feels like forever at the time, and the idea that it will pass seems totally incomprehensible. It feels like an eternal all-encompassing mire of out-of-controlness, and nobody warns you about it. But one day you will truly enjoy your little one, and he'll giggle at you or give you slobbery open-mouthed kissesand everything will be good and lovely and soft-focus like it's meant to be.

And please don't fret about "giving in" to him - I honestly think you can't go wrong by responding to him when he asks for it. It's not pandering, it's providing him with security and reassurance. We mums have enough stress in our lives without this notion that we're "spoiling" our babies if we respond to them quickly.

I reckon you've just got a bright, high-needs baby who will be much easier once he can move around a bit and has some control over his life. Not long to wait, honestly.

I know sooo much where you are coming from.
With DD I felt comlete love but turned into a manic loon according to my closest friends.
With Ds I found it very difficult to bond and tbh it probably took about 15 months before that total rush of love you expect in the first 5 mins.
I have a very anxious personality and find that my perfectionist traits came to the for when I had the DC.
I still find some days stressful and although it does get easier. I still do not cope well when the tantrums start and find being out in public with them more stressful than anything as I feel I am consytntly being judged.

I have found this site, to be very useful in seeing that normal encompasses an awful lot and that motherhood although a unifying experience on one hane is a very personal and individual one.
I now know that I am a good parent and try not to compare how others parent to how I feel about my own Dc. It has taken 3 years to get to this point, and like you I am my own worst enemy.

But IMHO I do believe that If yu care enough to be worried that you care enough, are doing the right thing , then you are for your family.

Sorry for the waffle

So reassuring! thanks iatedavinafordinner and norksinmywaistband. I have had so many people telling me not to go to DS so quickly or alternatively, he looks distressed, that I don't know whether I'm coming or going some days. I lose my intuition.

I have family visiting from abroad at the moment (a great thing). We are planning a day out tomorrow which should be something to look forward to and I am already stressing about any potential screaming fits from DS. I am stressed about being away from the house all day where I can't get him to sleep in privacy (with the noise that ensues). Ho hum.

iatedavinafordinner, you may well be right re my bright, high-needs baby who will become easier when he can move around more. His favourite thing is to 'stand' up, i.e. can't stand lying on his back, and is always moving so I think he will be happier when he is a little more independent.

And norksinmywaistband, it's good to know you have got to a more comfortable place, thank you for your kind words! and you did not waffle.

sorry for gatecrashing, dont have any words of advice im afraid but just wanted to say that i too have taken a lot of comfort from this thread.

my dd is 15 weeks old and i too feel very anxious a lot of the time and your post really rang bells with me when you said about apologisng for your lo's behaviour. my friends are always telling me dont worry, babys cry and it our babys crying dosent grate on anyone else quite like it does with us.

i got through the first 3 months thinking oh it will all fall into place when she is 3 months old............ it didnt!

i have chucked all my baby books away and im truly trying to go with the flow but it dosent come easily, i keep thinking i would do anything he wanted, if only i knew what it was!!!

i know this is long and im sorry, i didnt expect it to all come out like this! but your not alone im sure it will get easier and when i relax i do realise its easier now than when she was 2 weeks old......... it can only get better............

sorry bout spelling and its 'she' not 'he'

flourybaps we are living parallel lives. my friends and dp are always telling me not to worry, that my baby's cry does not bother anyone else etc. etc. but the problem is that what they say makes sense, what my brain does (or should say doesn't) do with that information does not make sense. none of it seems to sink in and stay with me.

I too haven't looked at a baby book for a while, they tend to make me feel inadequate.

Good luck flourybaps, I'm right there with you!

It is normal. Have you tried a sling - I had a very laid back DD1 (except at night for the first 12 weeks!!) but DD2 was extremely clingy and hated to be put down. I carried her in a wrap (Kari-me) and it released me to do whatever I needed to do.

cheers, nothavinggreatime, lots of good avice on here, im off to bed now, dont know time dd will wake up, hey ho, new day tomorrow. good luck for tonight.

Yes normal don't worry gets better! My DS was very 'demanding' and DD similar (9 weeks) so now I have screaming baby and stroppy (still at times) but also bright and funny 3 year old. Bathtime is fun fun fun!

Hi, just wanted to send you a {{{{hug}}}}

It took me 12 whole months to come to terms with how my life had change when I had DD. For a long time after she was born i felt so crap i would have happily given her back. I really felt like I had made a mistake and that my life was ruined.

For a long time I carried around this huge guilt because i felt like i was a failure. It took me many years to find the courage to speak to other mums about how crappy it can be with a new baby. The first time someone else said to me "yeah its really crap a lot of the time" It felt like such a relief, like i suddenly felt normal.

My DD is now 9, and she is the most wondeful little person in the world ever. You will get there, just give yourself time.

The fact that you even posted this shows that you really care and love your baby, you are doing a great job xxx

P.S. Do you want to know a secret about all of those mums who act likes being a new mum is a breeze and say its easy!! They're lying!!

Thanks Memoo! Yesterday I was thinking, 'the only thing I haven't mentioned is that sometimes (read often) I feel like I've made a mistake.' I also feel guilty when I look at DS and have these thoughts, usually when he is crying/screaming at an 'inconvenient' time for me. To be the one getting up with the baby EVERY morning while DP slumbers doesn't help! (as I type he sleeps). But I was the one who pushed for a baby so I really can't express to my partner about the mistake thoughts, altho he is aware of all of my other feelings. To hear that you felt the same but now are completely in love with your daughter is reassuring.

Thanks for the comment about doing a great job, it's nice to have some positive reinforcement.

IMO its not normal OR abnormal. Its just the way life is.

Some people adore the newborn stage (me for example) some people hate the toddler stage (me for example ).

There no right way or wrong way to parent (excluding abusers obviously), you just need to go with how it feels right for you. take all teh help thats offered if you feel that way or Like I do/did enjoy the fact that its was all me with very little help (I'm abit weird I think)

Just try and relax about it all. Your DS isn't trying to manipulate you, not at 16 weeks. All he wants is you, milk and sleep and a little bit of entertainment, just go with teh flow.
My toddler, on the other hand wants me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me me etc etc etc x infinity. Food he can pass on, and sleep to a certian point...
He follows me around whinging and whining regardless of what i do to make him happy, when I do it and how I do it.

Just try and relax, even though its hard.

Just read your post OP. Just wanted to say that I really didn't enjoy the first few months of having a baby. Don't know if I have PND or not, mostly I think it was probably anxiety like you, but I wasn't happy like other mothers, and felt like I was doing a pretty shit job. I think things changed at around the 5 months mark, slowly. And now DD is 15mo and she is brilliant, absolutely loads of fun!

Don't underestimate how incredibly boring and draining it can be being at home with a baby all day. You need to try and take some time out for yourself.

One thing that got me through this was having a very supportive DH. Try and tell him how your are feeling.

Oh and the cries, I used to describe it as a 'red mist' descending on me! When I was tired and frustrated I would have such little patience.

Your time will come, I'm sure or it

nothavingagreattime, I am full of admiration for you for having the guts to post this on here. It's something I've thought of doing on and off, too, but - totally irrationally - I thought, no, I'm the only mother who feels like this and I don't deserve any sympathy; I should just be getting on with things blah blah blah...and wrong wrong wrong! My DS is now almost 7 months old and the loving-him-more-than-anything feeling, which I've been lucky enough always to have, is slowly being augmented by liking him and enjoying his company too. Oh, it's still such hard hard work (much harder than my "real" i.e. paid job was) but now, most days, I feel like I'm slowly getting there and beginning to see what this is all about. Hang in there! As other posters have said, there's no magic deadline when everything comes together because every mother and every baby are different but I'm sure you'll reach a day when you'll suddenly realise that you haven't spent X hours evaluating his behaviour or been driven desperate by his cries.

Good luck - and, remember, there is plenty up ahead to enjoy.