Is it abnormal to still feel anxious and not completely joyful at being a parent when your DS is almost 16 weeks?

[nothavinggreattime]

Sorry for the v long entry!. I feel guilty even typing this but I need to know if what I feel is abnormal. My DS is almost 16 weeks and I can't say I am 100% enjoying the experience of parenting. I am an anxious/stressed person at the best of times and this just seems to have hit all my buttons.

I have spoken to my HV and GP about PND and it is agreed I have high anxiety (tho not depression) which we are dealing with (I am going to see a behavioural therapist, not just because of the baby but for my life in general). I was offered tablets but really didn't want to take them and instead I have been having occasional acupuncture.

I do love my DS and have times of feeling incredible love for him but on the whole I feel scared, scared of him even. He has the most monumental scream (to me anyway) and sometimes I feel like he uses it with purpose, calculatedly, which is probably not true. I do go places with him but I can feel my stress levels rise sometimes and also I find myself apologising for his 'behaviour'. I am constantly evaluating my behaviour toward him, e.g. if I give in to his cries he will know that he can do it to get attention or if I avoid putting him on his back, which he hates, I am pandering to him. BTW, he is also beautiful and smiley and chatty to people. I am driving myself mad.

I went to an NCT tea group yesterday where 2 of the mothers (similar aged babies) were saying how much they were enjoying motherhood and basically how easy they were finding it. I am finding it very unrelaxing and basically that I am not made for this. I also feel as though my baby deserves better than this.

I am scared to look back and regret not enjoying this time and whilst things have got easier I just can't get past this scared feeling. Is this abnormal?

nothavingagreattime - Don't listen to people who give you advice that contradicts your mothering instinct. You are the one with your LO all day long so you know him best. I was told constantly by my MIL that I was making a rod for my own back by going to LO everytime he cried etc and that he should be in his cot by a certain age blah blah blah. I was so stressed out that I seemed to be doing everything wrong as DS just cried and cried. But I kept at it. Often, I found myself counting down to when I can put him down to sleep so I can have a little peace. When DS was about 16 weeks, I went to visit my parents (long haul) and I found being away very refreshing and seeing how my cousins parent their kids very good as it made me realise no one person parents the same way! And it gave me confidence to keep trying things my way. Now DS is 7 months and there are still some things he is difficult at i.e. he barely sleeps on the go (despite me trying everything!), he throws tantrums etc. But in other things, he is so easy. He loves his food and eats like a little trouper (though he never really liked his milk and I still stress about his milk intake). He loves people and smiles at every stranger! I am so proud I never left him to cry, instead I used gradual withdrawal (no book, just instinct!) and now DS goes to sleep by himself so easily. Every baby really is different and you know your LO best so you need to react in the best way you can and trust you are doing the right thing.

I was meant to be going back to work in Decemeber but because things were so tough for me in the first 4-5 months, I really feel I am only enjoying DS now... So am going to try to take the whole year off. I hope things gets better for you soon. If someone had told me 3 months ago I would love being with DS now, I would have spit in their face not have believed it. GL! I hope things get better for you soon.

Hello Nothaving a greattime

I was a smugly happy mum first time round - second time round I was like you - extreme anxiety and panic attacks and hated life.
Got sent to a psychiatrist who basically diagnosed me as being extremely pissed off and miserable ("adapting" was the term she used, as I recall. I told her I'd had to ask my mother to come and take over. She said "But that's an appropriate response". I said "You haven't met my mother". She said "you don't seem depressed". I said "But this session with you is the most fun I've had in 3 months, everyone's talking about ME").
Life seemed to stretch out endlessly, yet the psychiatrist felt I wasn't depressed- and I do feel it was mainly misery about the anxiety. I had bad luck with my general health in the period, and was also still running a small business so couldn't take maternity leave(hmm, perhaps a bad idea in retrospect)

I'm now a happy and good mum to DS2 who's now 3. What's more, I'm possibly a better mum than I would have been if I'd been all gooey-eyed for the first 6 months.
By the way, I think NCT coffee mornings are the work of the devil. do you leave them feeling better? If not, don't go.

very very normal

took me a few months to fall in love with my second one ( I remember having a huge rush of love for him a couple of months in and thinking, thank god for that)

did you have a hard labour because that can make it very difficult afterwards?

a few of my friends found the baby bit hell and then loved the toddler bit...

don't worry it will come

ps For the acupuncture to be affective I would do it weekly for at least 10 weeks, if you can afford to x

DS1 was a very screamy baby and it got to a point where I didn't want to take him anywhere. When we went to the postnatal group at my gp surgery, we'd have to leave early every week because nobody, not me not the health visitors, could calm him.
I'd be so desperate I'd try rocking his pushchair to get him to sleep, I'd try to breastfeed him and he'd bang his head all around leaving the milk to sprinkle everywhere, I'd try to wind him and it felt like a never-ending circle of increasingly frantic attempts to get him to be QUIET, which made me feel even more rubbish.
I was also apologetic all the time thinking how we were disturbing others and feeling so crap that I didn't know how to look after him. I read loads of parenting books that made me feel worse. (just as I'd watched loads of birthing programmes beforehand and then felt I'd 'failed' because it all went pear-shaped and ended with a c-section.)

DH had the best advice - a baby isn't here to be 'mastered'. There is no method.

DD is the complete opposite so I now know that it's not about the parenting. I no longer care what other people think, try to smile at her as much as possible so I get smiles back, and am not so worried by crying, so perhaps my tolerance levels have increased, but mainly it's just that it's the babies who differ.

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time. FWIW, ds1 is now a gorgeous, even-tempered 4 year old who is very loving. You will come out the other side.

I understand your feelings.

ds1 (now 5) took me about 10mths before I felt able to relax about him and me as a mother. It took me to ditch the evaluating thing too. I started to remind myself he was a baby, he wasn't purposely trying to wind me up, he had no other way to communicate and though there were many times I didn't just get what the problem was, I told myself that was ok to not always know and not to hold it against either of us as I knew we would get through the emotion of the time.
I also had a friend who lost her baby and that made me think at least I hear my baby cry than silent and not around but took this not to make myself guilty over my previous feelings either.

I think it is also tough when there is no family around (in that boat too) or one has family but they are not interested etc.

16wks is still early days and parenting, no matter the age is bloody hard at times (nothing can prepare one for it I think!) don't beat yourself up over it, many of us don't take to it like a duck in water but you are certainly not abnormal in feelings!

I'll reiterate what everyone else has said- it's completely NORMAL to feel like this! One of my closest friends had her first baby a few months ago, and it brought it all back to me, just how terrifying and difficult it is to be a new mum!!

To me, having a baby is like a bomb going off right in the middle of your life. Your DH suffers a bit of collateral damage, but he can just patch up his old life, and it will be just a bit different. You have to rebuild yours from ground zero!! You suddenly don't know anything any more in this strange new life- the rules have all changed. Day and night are interchangeable. This little person screams at you in a language you don't understand and at a pitch and volume that trips your panic buttons. Even your body no longer feels like yours. EVERYTHING you once knew has shifted and it is truly terrifying.

The upside is the life you rebuild is so much better than the old one. You will slowly learn the language of the small tyrant, and start to get more feedback. Muddle through however you can until then. If you want to pick your baby up when he is crying, do it- it is far to stressful to go against that instinct. Worry about ironing out any bad habits at a time when you know what day of the week it is. In desperation, we used to put dd in the car and drive for miles, often in the middle of the night, just to get some peace and sanity. Just keep on doing whatever it takes and one day you will realise that you are actually smiling. That your ds cries and you know why and what to do. It really really does get better. bUt we have all been there, and it sucks!

Nothavingagreattime, I could still write your post now and my LO is over 10 months old - I'm still hoping that it'll pass - reading through this thread most seem to have come out of it by this stage, but I know that for some of us it takes a loooong time. Like you, I'm a worrier and its tough when others seem to take everything in their stride (including my Mum who had 4 seemingly without blinking - she loves to come out with helpful comments like -'I never remember being tired?!' and finds it so strange that I'm struggling with one that I can't even tell her any more and have to pretend everything is perfect) Everyone has different babies and different experiences - I have no family in the country either - on either side, so that makes things very different from others - never having the ability to even hand your baby over to someone else - even for half an hour does mean that you never ever get time off. I know this doesn't help, but wanted you to know you're not alone.

Yes, all these posts ring true for me as well.

It took months for me to stop jumping out of my skin when I heard any noise that sounded remotely like my DD's cry.

We had a seagull's nest in the chimney pots opposite and there were times when I wanted to blow it up as the chicks would cry in EXACTLY the same pitch of my DD's first grizzle - and HEY PRESTO I was WIDE WIDE awake - for hours - DD slept on.

Yes i remember the anxiety, and the weird hallucinations from exhaustion (imagining my DD was a demon when I'd reach into her in the dark in her cot... don't ask I have an overactive imagination) and the constant anxiety - I developed IBS with it after the (horrific) birth.

It all rings true and I have to compliment you on your honest and bravery to post here. So many new mums are so terrified of doing right that the question their own experience and say "it's all lovely" when in reality,, things are different.

The common themes I'm getting from this thread are

that your initial personality type has a huge role - if you were anxious before you had your baby, you stay anxious.

If you have no family round, you can get quite exhausted.

if the family you do have round had a perfect time with theirs, then that can be isolating and frustrating,

and if your DP isn't interested in doing baby stuff, that can add fuel to the anxiety fire as you feel it's all on your shoulders, which adds to the anxiety.

I had all of the above, and it's one of the reasons why I stopped b/f in the night so my DH could be more involved - he didn't see where he fitted in, as I was b/feeding on demand and he doesn't have boobs!

FWIW I ended up never put my Dd down for the first year - I got a sling and just held her, she'd screach if I did and I just gave into her needs - she was the expert on what she wanted after all.

I never put myself under pressure to meet up with other new mums, as my DD would scream if we were there - and I would just go home with her if she started, no matter who said stay and just put her down to scream.

Now my DD is 4 and she's such good company - I have come to realise that I love toddlers and children, but babies are not my cup of tea.

And I suppose the best piece of advice I got was:
Listen to your gut. You are always right.

And I love the advice
Babies are not to be mastered - that's brilliant also.

Sorry for the long ramble!! You are doing a great job. Hang in there.

I had anxiety like you wouldn't believe !! I was sent to the mental health nurse and a year later I'm still on the waiting list for some CBT !! I had horrendous irrational thoughts about someone hurting my baby, my estranged mother coming and snatching him (she's not even aware of his existence), SIDS, awful diseases. I couldn't watch "This Morning" for fear of seeing anything about childhood disease and it triggering a panic attack.

I was unable to put him down, yet crying to DH "I hate this!! I'm so tired and I just want to rest!! I wish we'd never had a baby !" and then feeling awful guilt and afraid he would be taken away because I'd said I didn't want him. The sound of my boy crying went through me like a knife. I couldn't explain to anyone how panicky it made me feel. Just awful.

My anxiety became noticeably better with DS's developmental stages. So when he could sit up and look at his toys I felt loads better. Then again a big de-stress when he could crawl. Now he's walking I can honestly say I'm really enjoying his company and being a mum. I think this is partly because he became a lot less whingy when he could do stuff, and partly because he wasn't all floppy and fragile feeling any more. Also my morbid thoughts about there being something wrong with him receded as he grew into an obviously healthy child.

I agree with the previous poster who said to go with your own instincts. That has led me down the path of slinging, co-sleeping and long term breastfeeding because we've all been happier in close contact. It's been hard because those aren't mainstream choices but I feel really confident now. Do whatever it takes to help you feel happy and safe.

Completely agree that some people find babies easier/some toddlers. I still find it difficult to understand when people say they would like another baby to go through the baby stage again, but don't want another child.

Apart from the physical problems with getting it out, I would quite happily have my children come out aged about 18 months! The baby stage can be cute and rewarding and I do have happy memories from it, but give me a stroppy, cheeky, lively toddler anyday over a mewling newborn!

Are you breastfeeding? If not, could your partner do some morning shifts with the babe? I used to find that even half an hour's break was so lovely and really recharged my batteries.

And please try not to worry about not enjoying this time - you have the rest of your DS's life to enjoy him - you obviously love him and you are keeping him fed and clothed and happy and that's all that matters at this stage. I remember my lovely community m/wife repeatedly reassuring me by saying to remember that sleep deprivation is a popular form of torture! And it's true, it wasn't until 6 months/9 months on when I was really catching up on sleep and the babies were robust enough to be happily looked after by someone else for a morning that I really felt myself and happy again.

I used to walk loads and loads, getting out of the house with the pram always made me feel better. And I'd aim to go to at least one baby group a week, which also gives some structure back to life and makes you feel slightly more in control.

Hope your day is going okay.

I agree with hattyyellow. i hated the baby stage.

Don't get me wrong I loved DS more than I thought possible, but it was only when he reached 18 months that i really started enjoying being a Mum.

Hello again

Lots of great advice on here. Where do you live? If it's central London then I'm totally going to come round to your house with biscuits...

I just thought of something which helped in the early days. Do you like music? I know this sounds a bit silly but I am a big fan of the Sex Pistols and when DS cried in the early days for no reason (or so it seemed) I would take him in my arms and dance around the the Sex Pistols which seemed to make him smile a bit. For a while.

I am SO pleased that loads of people have come on here to say how miserable they were too. I remember someone once asking me at a music class how I was and when I said 'actually, bloody awful' she actually started crying and saying me too. It was the best moment of my week (that sounds harsh I know) but just knowing that someone else had no idea how to cope was lovely.

I agree that it won't suddenly get better at a certain time. It just will. Take care. x

Oh and Hatty - totally agree. I am trying to decide whether to have DC2 and if he/she could come out aged one, I'd do it in a heartbeat. The first year again? No thanks.

Littleonemum, we are starting to think about having DC2 soon as well and as much as I would love another child i am shuddering at the thought of the baby stage again and how awful it was.

I feel like life has just got back to normal. how great it would be if I could just skip the first 6 months!!

Not read all the posts on here but just wanted to comment on Memoo's post (those mums who say it's a breeze/easy are lying)

A bit harsh I feel

My DD1 was really hard work, 1st 6 months were shite. Colic, screaming, difficult. Very vivid memories of traumatic birth clouded my view too. Really was v. happy to stick with 1, but was persuaded to try for..

DD2, who has been the polar opposite of DD1 - easy birth, chilled out baby - me much more relaxed - I'm totally enjoying her in a way I NEVER did with DD1

Anyway, my point is those mums who say it's 'easy' are probably just lucky in that they've got easier babies (which is totally down to luck of the draw) rather than lying..

Things with DD1 got much better after 6 months.. hope things do with you too! Don't let it put you off a second

Hi all

Sorry I haven't responded earlier to all of your amazingly helpful and reassuring posts, have family visiting from abroad and it has all been v hectic. Honestly you have all made me feel so much better and not alone.

However things seem to have taken a little turn for the worse and now it seems we are getting tantrums (didn't think it was possible in an almost 4 month old). Honestly I now know I was completely naive when I considered having a baby. So anyway, to read all the posts this morning while DS is slumbering (after screaming) it has made me feel better. Have to say though that I am now another step further down the line with anxiety in terms of taking him out....I do go out a lot with him but if he does that while we are out I'm going to feel like walking away.

A lot of your posts have suggested the 6 month mark as a kind of turning point so I hope that's the case with mine. Though I know they are all different and so Minicooper I so feel for you, I hope things start to improve for you v v v soon.

I feel so embarrassed about his behaviour in front of family and friends and always feel that he is the only baby that does this. But what a lot of your posts have shown is that this is not the case, and more importantly that it's not about my parenting, more is personality. I hope it does improve as he can do more for himself i.e. sitting up and crawling.

Oh and LittleOneMum, I live in South London, what kind of biscuits do you like?

NotHavingaGreatTime - great, south London, not too far. Whereabouts? I'm serious about coming to see you. Can you CAT me? Or I will try to CAT you. This means we can email.

PS He is NOT the only baby who does this.

I mean CAM (i.e. click on the envelope at the far end of the blue line with my name).

Hi there@nothavingnahgreattime.

I haven't waded through other posts, so apologies of I am repeating stuff, but my God you are not the only one.
I felt like this until my son was about 18 mths old, to be honest.

I definitely did have PND, though. In fact, it kicked in seriously when my son was about 16 weeks old. I was just so stressed and anxious about everything related to parenting my son that I enjoyed very little of my day to day life. Not a good way to be. He was also a very 'high maintenance' baby and I sometimes wondered why I had been given this difficult baby when others had these angelic little things that sat quietly on their mum's knee...

Have you talked frankly to anyone close and trusted about how you feel? For you to be feeling embarassed of your baby's behaviour and highly stressed in social situations with him, although it is fairly common (I felt the same) - well, it's not a healthy, happy way for you to live your life.

I would urge you to open up a bit how you're feeling and try and get some more emotional support from your loved ones. Motherhood is a steep learning curve and you don't have to struggle through it all on your own. Some women genuinely do breeze into motherhood happily and easily, but most people do have difficulties and worries. You aren't alone and have nothing to feel ashamed about.

nothavingagreattime - your experience sounds much the same as mine a few years ago with my ds - he was really high maintenance and screamy. Looking back I probably should have fed him more as i was stupidly trying to keep to a schedule that wasnt right for him - it got a lot better when we established the weaning though - and then again when he was mobile.

my 5 month old dd is much easier to deal with - and its not because I have changed she is just an easier baby - so dont worry - you're not doing anything wrong its just some babies are more high maintenance than others.

she has been more tricky in the last few weeks though - she has probably been having developmental leaps and this may be the case with yours as well - have you tried writing down exactly what your ds has done in the day - when he has slept/ate etc - you might find a pattern when you do that.

btw I'm in south london and have no family around as well so would be happy to meet up and let the babies wail along together...

...sounds absolutely normal to me

My DD has just turned 4 and I wish I'd read this thread when she was tiny. Felt exactly the same as a lot of other posters, scared of DD, not bonded, not enjoying it (and then feeling guilty for feeling like that). From 3 wks she was very colicky and wouldn't be comforted - used to fight me off when I tried to cuddle her. It will get better, things started to improve when she was about 5 months, by which time I was on anti-depressants. There is 1 particular photo I look at and can vividly remember it being the 1st one I looked back at and felt that real rush of 'mother-love'.
Have you had your thyroid levels checked as these can have a knock-on effect on your state of mind post-birth?

LittleOneMum I will CAM you, hopefully today. Giantkatestacks I will CAM you too since it seems we are relatively local.

MollyCherry, the practise nurse at my GP organised a thyroid check as she had the same idea, but thank you v much for the suggestion. Unfortunately my DS doesn't have the excuse of colic (not that I would want that!), his is impatience and a hot little temper. The poor little mite has his first cold but actually it has made him more subdued, mind you I am just nursing or carrying him.