Calling all UP parenting types - I need help (oh boy do I really need help)

[Lazycow]

OK - Ds (3.8yrs old) and I are knocking heads again. I really am trying to see things from his point of view unfortunately my own emotions and my need to get stuff done does get in the way.

This morning ds was fine at firs, then at the point where it was nearly time to leave he was watching some TV and I explained that we would have to leave (I work and ds was going to nursery) after the next episode of Charlie and Lola he wanted to watch (was taped off the TV).

Unfortunately the taping process hadn't worked properly and the programme stopped a couple of minutes before the end. Very disappointing I know - Cue for ds to wail and gnash that he wanted another one. We really didn't have time as I'd have been late for work.

I then tried to be sympathetic (not too hard as at this point I felt quite sympathetic). 'I know it is diappointing etc'.

The problem is this sort of approach usually drives ds wild with frustration and anger and he starts shouting 'DON'T SAY THAT, DON'T SAY THOSE WORDS, I'M NOT DISAPPOINTED etc..' I know this just means he is diecting his anger towards me (not unreasonably really as I am the one saying we have to leave).

So I try again ' I know you really wanted to watch that programme.' The programme finished before you wanted it to, you really wanted to watch it etc..'

At which point he then started hitting and kicking me. Not incredibly hard but hard enough nonetheless.

At this I'm afraid to say I saw red. I picked him up and told I did not like him kicking me and uncermoniously put him in his room I then walked away saying 'DO NOT KICK ME, I DO NOT LIKE IT'(well almost shouting really though more in a firm discipline way than screaming harridan IYSWIM)

This is a bad approach with ds as me sounding cross (which I most certainly did) makes him even more frustrated and angry at me for a while. Then he starts to say 'Mummy don't be cross, don't be cross' and I end up on a complete guilt trip.

We sort of made up but Ds was obviously still upset so made every effort to avoid coming down the stairs to the car - thus making me worry I'd be even later for work which started another power struggle.

So we had yet another morning where I found myself walking away from a crying (screeching really) 3 year old saying
'Right that's enough - are you coming or do you want to stay here on your own?' or some such thing .

This always leads ds to come running in an absolute panic that I'll leave him and usually results in yet more wailing and upset and I end up feeling guilty at mishandling yet another situation.

This is very long and is really just one example of the sort of conflicts ds and I have every day, usually several times a day.

How do I do this, I am completely lost really?. Getting cross and using more a more 'discipline tyoe approach just doesn't feel right to me and seems to make him so upset. Also I end up feeling terrible even when he complies.

However empathy and validation just seem to send him wild with anger at me which I find very difficult to deal with in a loving way.

Hi, OP. I'm sort of a UP type

I don't think you have to be a SAHM to have a UP approach. I know you don't! (I'm a WOHP, the main breadwinner in our family)

but I do think that once one starts taking ones child(ren)'s preferences seriously, then it becomes harder to just coerce them "because we have to leave right now" or whatever - one becomes more aware that one is riding rough shod over their preferences in order to satisfy an adult agenda which the child hasn't necessarily bought into.

I think mornings are easier with a comfortable and non-demanding rhythm for everyone (which might involve having bags packed the night before, or breakfast got ready before you goto bed or whatever else it takes).

But this would be the crux for me in a UP-aspiring family: if you want your child to leave the house, have it so that they genuinely want to go and do whatever it is that is on offer. And if nursery doesn't match that scenario, then perhaps do some serious brainstorm-y rethinking about alternatives.

Alternatives? Just off the top of my head:
child minder?
spend time with a relative?
Do a reciprocal "playdate" arrangement with another family with one parent working part-time?
You work evenings/weekends when OH can look after any children?
Or vice versa - OH works in some flexi-time pattern which allows you to go to work during the day time sufficient days a week for your financial needs?
One or both of you find a way to work from home part or full time?
Work out how much the family is earning once childcare arrangements are taken into account, and think of ways not involving childcare to bring in the same amount of money?
Take advantage of plummeting house prices to move somewhere smaller and much cheaper so you can work one full-time job between you rather than one and a bit?

I don't know if any of those are attractive. But I do think it's really important that this is not just YOUR ongoing difficulty to solve. It is your OH's responsibility just as much. It's not a question of him working full time (or even more) and you squeezing in what you can manage with your child being happy and you getting enough of a professional life too. It's a matter for the whole family to work out how much money you need and what ways to earn that money which everyone will be genuinely happy with.

Sorry for the essay. I thought it might be helpful to hear how someone with sympathy for a UP approach would begin to look for ways for everyone to be happy in such a situation