I am utterly sick of repeating myself

[VoluptuaGoodshag]

Does anyone elses kids do anything at the first time of asking? I constantly have to say everything at least 3 times with the final time being a shout. It's with everything from getting dressed, to getting shoes on, to stopping doing something - absolutely everything. I'm exhausted by it. How do you get them to do something? They know that in the end they have to do it anyway. Arrrrghhhhh one instruction has to be repeated for each kid so with the two of them that's six instructions. I'm turning into some sort of shouting neurotic

If I didn't play Lego Star Wars once in a while my son would turn to the dark side.

I have a nearly 3 and a nearly 5 year old - so I'm struggling too, though thinking about it the 3 year old is pretty good - but only cos she thinks everything is a race. My 5 year old is incredibly deaf to my instructions....shouting just made me feel even more frazzled so now I use some of the following tricks, depending on the mood / urgency....

• switch her ears on - she loves the idea of having an on/off switch behind them.

• ask her what needs to be done next - half the time she's not listening cos she's become instruction-deaf. When I ask her what we have to do to get out the door it gets done willingly and fast. This works with the 3 year old too. They both love problem-solving - so when I flop down on the floor declaring loudly we'll never get to school on time and we'll all be in trouble with the teacher - they rally together.

• get her to feed back - I issue instruction, she ignores, I say "What did I just ask you to do?" and she tells me, and then does it.

....can't imagine any of this is going to work when they're 8 and 10 years - but hey ho...

OMG Voluptua - you are living my life!! I have 2 DDs (who require 3 requests before any action is taken), 1 DH (who requires roughly the same) and my 81 year old MIL also lives with us (pretends she can hear what we're saying, but actually she can't).

All in all, this leads for a life of frustration. I try to keep calm during the pre-school rush but I'm not a very patient person and at times I end up almost pushing my DDs out of the door and into the car. I always make sure they are dressed before 8 am (when I have my shower) and leave them with clear instructions eg "you need to brush your hair/teeth/get shoes on etc before I come downstairs".

Then we'll all be calm and ready for school, won't we?

Yeah right.

I used to be exactly the same as a teenager..the first few times something was asked, it just didnt count! Needed to be shouted at to make me actually do something.

Nowadays, i used the "XXXXX shoes" approch too... maybe a bit louder than necessary really, but the little fright they get makes them move faster lol (evil i know, but i cant help myself)

Same here

By the 4th or 5th time, if I am feeling patient, I am shouting.
I hate it, I hate being shouty, I don't think I am a shouty person, but I seem to have turned into one. Sometimes I shout so loud my throat hurts. Mine are 2 and nearly 5, and dd1 (nearly 5) drives me up the wall. I had a huge rant at her this morning as she was not getting dressed which I am now thoroughly ashamed of. I really went off on one, I hate it. I could have written the OP.

Hey - do you folks now this thread has a link from Alphamum on the Times Online website??

AlphaMummy

My DCs now get pocket money paid by the day -they get the whole amount on Saturday for a week's good behaviour. They know that they can lose a days money . . . not for a first offence of course but for something that has been driving me mad, and after plenty of warning.

DS1 (8) was sent upstairs and told to get dressed at 8.20 this morning. We leave for school at 8.40. He knows this AND has a big clock in his room AND can tell the time. At about 8.30 I heard a lego-ey noise and called up "Are you playing with lego, DS1?" No, he had just kicked it by accident.

At 8.35 I looked around his door and saw him lying on the bed with just his pants on vaguely flapping a pair of trousers around.

Cue throat-rupturing harangue from yours truly.

As we finally left I told him that from now on, if he didn't get dressed in future as soon as I had told him to he'd lose the day's pocket money.

Shocked boyish face.

Do you think it will work?

On what shall I spend all that money I'll save?

Fodders - Like the turning your ears on, may try that one (writes note to self).

I generally ask DD to look at me and then tell her what I want her to do, that way she cannot claim she did not hear. If I get no response at all, I state clearly that I hope she is not ignoring me. She knows this is something that makes mummy go off on one and usually has the desired reaction! Counting slowly to three also still works, but I don't know for how much longer - she is 6yo.

The other thing that drives me up the wall is when she asks a question, but dosn't bother to listen to the answer, repeating the question a second after I have finished the answer. Or even worse (deep breath) saying 'what??' whilst I am answering...! If you can't be bothered to listen to the answer, then don't bother asking the question!

If you really want your kids to obey you straight away, you'll need to have a consequence for disobedience after just asking ONCE.

Anything else, and the child will just wait until they know they absolutely have to obey.

It's really hard, and against our "nice and polite, would you mind awfully, if you're not too busy" culture of parenting, but it does work.

I would say something like 'I really hate shouting at you and I don't want to do it any more. The things I tell you to do are important (and make sure they are - pick you battles!). Next time you don't do something as soon as I ask you to do it (or within a set time limit), the consequence will be xxxxxx.' - exactly like BalloonSlayers pocket money thing.

If I know I've got a plan, I find myself a lot calmer about things. And your kids will realise that you mean it if you are consistant, and will get into the habit of doing what you ask straight away.

NB - make sure that you only discipline disobedience, i.e. not if a kid really doesn't hear or gets very absorbed etc. But again, if they fail to hear you a lot, it's probably disobedience (or get their ears checked )

Ok I tried the "XXXXX shoes" approach today and it seems to work better. Shall keep going along this line and cross fingers that it improves. I do sound like I'm barking instructions to a dog but then again all children should come with two fully trained border collies snapping at their heels. Bet that would shift them.

Nope - that doesn't work either. Our border collie is now 16 but even when she was young and fit she let the kids do whatever they liked!

I have this problem with my ds who has Aspergers.

A wise soul suggested I ask him once nicely, ask him firmly and then just go ahead and put his shoes, coat whatever on him

Shouting and ranting rarely gets me anywhere - I still do it though every morning before school

I used to bribe, cajole and threten with the loss of pocket money, Then my 8 year old refused to have any more pocket money. He said it was because "Daddy already spends too much on me" but I know my son. He just wanted to put an end to one of my best options for bribery and threats.

Another idea -

marble jar, one marble for everything done first time.

Cash prize for a full jar (or something else they are desperate for).

Works best with older DCs (say over 5?) and if you have more than one. Seeing the other one getting a marble because they put their shoes on first time drives the lazy one crazy.

TOP TIP for those of us who are short of cash. Church halls often have very large coffee jars

I used to use 'Ok- now switch your ears on!' at school, and I'd forgotten about it!

Worked best in Foundation Stage,
in kS1 the kids used to use it to start farting around, thus continuing to ignore my instructions

What a great thread.

"At 8.35 I looked around his door and saw him lying on the bed with just his pants on vaguely flapping a pair of trousers around.

Cue throat-rupturing harangue from yours truly."

You have just made me cry with laughter Balloonslayer. This perfectly sums up my dd's attitude to getting dressed in the morning. And I'm so glad you do the throat-rupturing thing too....

I used to shout until I realised I didn't sign up to be a shouting person just because I have a child. So I stopped shouting and now I whisper. And it works.

I involve my DD in the process by quietly saying - DD let us try and be early today, help me out here in getting you ready - by and large it works.

If she dawdles, I say, you need to wear your uniform for school, I'm concerned your pyjamas won't be warm enough, as they're bed clothes, and I want you to put your uniform on. Let me help you put it on now.

Even though she's only 4, she's good company, and I value our relationship. I don't shout at anyone else in my life so why would I shout at my lovely DD?

Reading this thread, I am really shocked at the attitude to deafness here - if your DCs couldn't see properly would you be so awful about that disability. Would you call them a blind moron?

I've been deaf in one ear since I had an ear infection at university, and I do understand how frustrating it is for someone to have to repeat things, (my DH is a saint ) but I suggest you all get your children's hearing checked before you come out with anymore anti deaf hatred.

Deaf people are not morons, as someone here posted - they're just deaf - and maybe your children are deaf too.

Research shows that eating and drinking a lot of dairy products can cause the Eustachian tube in a child's ears to fill up with liquid, rendering them deaf, so maybe ease off on the dairy products for a while to see if that makes a difference.

And please no more of the anti deaf hatred posts. I know it's frustrating to have to repeat yourself, but there could be a good reason for your child's behaviour, and there is no excuse for this blatant exhibition of hatred for quite a significant proportion of the population.

zazen do you only have one child? It is so much easier to be calm and rational with only one. I dont think anyone on this thread is having a go at deaf people. I was concerned about my eldest sons hearing as he didnt appear to be listening and when tested there was nothing wrong. I cant stand having to shout at my kids and personally would prefer peace and quiet but with 3 boys often shouting seems to be the only way to be heard!!!

I tried the 'turning on the ears' yesterday when DS was building his train set. He thought it was funny and turned them off again. I gave up after the third attempt.

I find keep it simple and short like maidamess said. Ask for them to do something a few minutes before you would like it to happen to give them some warning. Small children don't understand the difference of "this needs to be done soon", "in ten minutes" or "we have half an hour before we go out so put your things on". Very confusing, put them on now? in half an hour? You'll tell me again in half an hour? What does it mean?

I try to let them know that xyz needs doing and then a few minutes later say "we need to do that thing now, shall we do it?". After all we don't as adults like to be told to do things right away, and we have to stop doing whatever it is, to put our shoes away. Especially if we are in the middle of something very interesting like being on a parent forum!

I don't know Groovy, but I feel in general here on this thread, the tone is a little harsh towards deaf people - adults or children who appear to be deaf.

Try this: just substitute the word blind for deaf and re-read this thread, and come back to me! There is no way we would rail against our children if they were exhibiting symptoms of failing sight, or not being able to see things we pointed out would we, really?!

Deafness affects so many people and so many people hide it as they are ashamed of it, probably because the discrimination against deaf people is far far worse than that against blind or disabled people.

And I think pushchairs evocation that QUOTE "Sometimes feel as if I am surrounded by deaf morons" is a not a little deaf-ist, don't you?

I agree mrswotzisnotin that telling a child what needs to be done and then offering to do it with them is the better way to communicate - you are keeping your child in the loop as to what's going on and also showing them respect by not bellowing at them. The point is communication, not just getting them to do what you want them to do.

Try whispering - you'll be surprised

I have often thought of taping myself and turning it on about 10 mins before we leave the house in the morning - the tape would just be on repeat and would relay over and over what I say about 10 times every morning saving me the stress - you know - brush your teeth, get your tie, put on your shoes, put your school bag in the car, where's your lunch, leave your brother alone. Quite fancy it actually - I could record it in a happy jaunty voice which is definitely not the case most mornings! But on second thoughts reckon they would just ignore that too! Back to shouting then....