how do I stop her stealing?

[bumpybecky]

I'm so very very angry with dd1. Again

Since Friday she's stolen money from my purse (at least £2, not much I know) and this morning she's pinched something from church (two little gift boxes that they sell for charity).

She has a history of being lightfingered, including shoplifting, that goes back over 2 years. She has taken things from MIL, school, her friends, shops and me.

Every time she gets caught we go through the grounding her, discussing with her, making her apologise etc etc. She can behave for months at a time, then she goes and does it again

How can I make her stop? she's 10, intelligent, no problems at school etc.

have you all had a big upheavel in your life? i did this when i was about 11 after my dad left, i was trying to get attention from my mother and to show her that i was hurting too. i didnt know this at the time but realised as an adult that this is why i was doing it. x

Well we've had ds (now 8 months), but dd1 was stealing stuff long before I got pregnant even. We're a very boring family - no huge rows, no divorce, no illness, no sick relatives, no alcohol / drugs / porn / gambling addiction etc etc. I honestly can't think of anything like that.

It is possible she's doing it for attention I suppose, she's the eldest of 4 (now) and life is quite busy.

Have you ever made her take the things back that she has taken from someone.
ie the Church.

Worth a thought!

I did this at around her age.

I still (at nearly 40 years of age) don't know why I used to do it. My parents used to despair of me.

I used to steal stupid things - Even a tine of fruit from my mums friends house
maybe it was for attention - even the negative type.

All I can say is I stopped around 12-13 when I settled at high school. Is your dd okay at school? Has she lots of friends ect?

Whoops! just seen that you have said you make her apologise!

Have you actually asked her why?

Does she feel that she is deprived somehow?

She's got plenty of friends. Quite how she's kept them when she pinches things from them, I don't know She really is quite sneaky though - always an explanation for everything.

We've asked her why (many times). She normally says she doesn't know. She says she takes some things from me as I'd say no if she asked me. The thing is she never asks, so it's not as though I get a chance!

With the money - she said she wanted to have a DS, so we said she'd have to save her pocket money and that she could do jobs to earn more money. Because she was saving up, I've not offered to take her shopping for toys etc. Now I find she's pinching ££ from me, telling DH she's found it then persuading him to take her to the shops for choclate! Now he knows where it came from, she banned from sweet shopping.

elesbells please tell me you're not typing your posts from prison, but are in fact a lovely law abiding person?! I hope dd1 grows out of it. Sigh

No not in prison at all pmsl...never been in trouble since

I think sometimes children do all sorts of weird things that you will never get to the bottom of - and if you can't find a reason, don't beat yourself up about it.

I would just keep trying to get it through to her that it is wrong and whatever you decide is a suitable punishment for her (the worst for me was taking it back and admitting to the person that I had stolen it)

I think its the best you can do really x

Could your PCSO come over and chat to her? Maybe a bloke or lady in uniform may scare her?

when she has done it from shops have the police ever been called or have the shops not caught her?

when you ground her do you take away all privelidges - tv, games consoles, dvds, computer etc?

Good idea about the Police. Will look into that.

She's never been caught by the shops. One time I saw she was looking shifty, checked her pockets, found it (make up from Boots) and marched her back to hand it over and apolgise. Woman on the till didn't really know what to say and laughed.

The other times I've found an item at home later (sometimes weeks later). I've taken the things off her, but it's not always practical to return them to the shop.

When grounded she has no TV, no computer, no DVDs, no playing out etc. She gets lots of excititng thinsg to do instead. Like folding laundry, emptying the dishwasher, tidying up toys etc!

Thanks for the continuing responses - it's really helping to talk this through with people

if i found stuff weeks later i would still make her return it to the person/shop she stole it from.

Does she get your attention in other ways though? Good attention? You say she is the eldest of four...is your time so taken up with the others that she just wants a bit of you time & attention?

Could she feel pushed out by the younger ones?

OR, do you play up the fact that she's the eldest - does she think she's being grown up by stealing (in a childlike, "I'm the eldest so I can do this and they can't" type of a way?)

Could you give her a little bit more attention, something that is just you & her?
Could you perhaps give her a little more responsibility to show that you trust her and that you think she's capable (to encourage being the eldest in a positive way)

Coudl she be bored? Does she do any afterschool clubs or have any hobbies (besides pinching )

Ok, don't take this the wrong way, and I hope to God she is not affected by this, but my sister was badly bulemic in her mid teens, as was a house mate of mine at uni. Both of them also stole things on a regular basis. From friends, family & shops. There is quite alot of research linking stealing (not just of food) to eating disorders.
My sister started with the stealing first, then progressed to the eating disorder.
Just thought I'd mention this in case you were unaware of the link. HTH. x

just searched and found this thread again as dd1 has been caught stealing at school this week

I never did answer all the questions, so will try now.

When I said it wasn't always practical to return things to the shop, I was thinking of two items. One was taken from a shop on holiday, so on the other side of the country, in a shop I could barely remember, let alone know the address of. The other, dd1 couldn't remember where it had come from.

Quite often we find things weeks after she's taken them and they're no longer in a condition to be returned, either dirty or eaten.

As for eating disorders, this isn't something I'm worried about for now. She has a very good appetite, eats everything that's put in front of her, healthy balanced diet. She's not making herself sick afterwards - our bathroom door doens't even shut, let alone lock! It is something I'll keep in mind though for the future if there's a know link between the behaviours.

We had been letting her earn money by doing odd jobs as she wanted to save towards a DS. Well she's been doing really well we'd agreed that we'd get DSs for her and dd2 for Christmas on the understanding that there was no stealing. Well she's stolen from school and on further inspection of her school bag, also money from me to buy sweets

We had been allowing her to walk to and from school on odd days as a priveledge (sp?) for good behaviour. Well it turns out she's been going into shops and buying sweets She does gets sweets occasionally at home, but not often as she's very bad at brushing her teeth.

We had been allowing her a little more responsibility and made a big deal about how she was allowed to do things (stay up bit later, go to drama and netball after school etc) as she was being good.

MIL (who is competely lovely and we get on with very well) thinks this is a cry for more attention. I guess maybe I could do more with her just her and me. We don't have an easy relationship, she's much closer to her Dad, but he's so fed up with the situation that he's almost given up with her

I haven't contacted the Police as I don't think scaring her will have any long term effect. She just doesn't seem to consider the consequences of her actions. We've explained about young offenders institutions, prison, criminal responsibility etc. She looks scared, very upset, just can't manage to behave long term.

At the moment she's grounded again. This weekend is going to involve much homework, housework and no TV, computer etc.

Next week I'm going to take her to the GP and ask for a referral to someone. Psychiatrist? counsellor? not sure who. We just need to get it sorted now and I think we need professional help

sorry about typos!

The money she'd saved we were going to let her use for DS games, we were going to pay for the DS itself - hope that make more sense.

It seems to us that every time she gets more responsibility and we trust her again, she blows it. She can only ever behave for a couple of months then she blows it. Or maybe she doesn't even manage that long, but only gets caught every couple of months.

I have asked her tonight why she does it. She can't / won't tell me.

There are still no major issues at home (other than 4 children and nomral household chaos). No problems at school (parat from her stealing). She's intelligent (alhtough you've got to wonder!) and school are happy with her apart from the stealing.

I'm sorry this is rearing it's ugly head again for you. Just a thought, is she easily led and would her friends get her to do it?

let's try again...

-other than 4 children and normal household chaos). No problems at school (apart from her stealing). She's intelligent (although you've got to wonder!) and school are happy with her apart from the stealing.

so many typos - I'm tired and still and

I'm fairly sure she was by herself when shopping for sweets (can't be 100% sure about anything as she lies so much). I don't think she's doing it to impress anyone. It's not like it's a gang / peer pressure thing.

She has never blamed anyone else for pinching the things or making her do it. She's come up with all sorts of stories but never blamed anyone else. She always admits it eventually, just can't explain why she did it.

I know you really don't want to, but maybe a pcso may be the way? Is there a friendly local one you could ask for advice? The ones near me are lovely- nice mix of male and female.

Is she being challenged at school, or is she coasting?

it is serious... i can understand why you are so concerned of course.....
but..... she is only 10, she may not "know" / be able to articulate why she does it... she may not be able to stop herself and needs help. the fact this hasnt gone away suggests to me there is some emotional problem at the bottom of it that needs addressing. the grounding / scaring with talk of police / talking hasnt worked has it? what do school think / say? think you should consider getting referal to camhs /a counsellor for her to give her someone to talk to... or give her childline number....good luck.

meant to say that if you and she have difficulties in your relationship and her dad has "given up on her" then these things need addressing. despite what you say if this is the case things arent all ok for her are they?

PCSO - still thinking about it. Might try and track one down, will see what GP says first I think.

School - she's bright, but I think she's allowed to drift a bit. I'm not saying she's a child genuis, far from it! but she's able, but I do suspect that as she's above average, she's allowed to coast a bit sometimes. Some of the work she does is at what I consider to be a very poor standard. She puts little effort into a lot of what she does. She's not hugely bothered by it all realy - does the minimum necessary. (very like her father, who wasn't a huge success at school, but later did vocational qualifications and ended up with a degree, just took the longer path to get it).

Her form tutor phoned me today and was very 'oh I'm not sure what to do' about it all. I had warned her at parents eve that this might be a problem, that's how dd1 got discovered when something went missing.

Good to think you also suggest a referral to someone professional controlfreaky. I wasn't sure if I was overreacting. I really am beginning to worry about her mentally, that there's something really wrong

sorry for the typos that are bound to be there, not had much sleep this week thanks to 11 month ds!