how do I stop her stealing?

[bumpybecky]

I'm so very very angry with dd1. Again

Since Friday she's stolen money from my purse (at least £2, not much I know) and this morning she's pinched something from church (two little gift boxes that they sell for charity).

She has a history of being lightfingered, including shoplifting, that goes back over 2 years. She has taken things from MIL, school, her friends, shops and me.

Every time she gets caught we go through the grounding her, discussing with her, making her apologise etc etc. She can behave for months at a time, then she goes and does it again

How can I make her stop? she's 10, intelligent, no problems at school etc.

Two plus years ago we had a big change in behaviour from her. It was the end of year 3 / start of year 4 (she's no in year 6). Where we are they move to middle schools for years 5-8. At the end of year 3 the lower school did this big talk about how in year 4 they would be the oldest in the school, most responsible, blah, blah, blah. Lots of pressure. The whole of her last year we had attitude, backchat and general stroppiness etc. At the time we weren't sure if this was normal 8 year old behaviour, but looking back I think dd1 was unsettled by the upcoming change of school.

At the end of year 3 she started to wet the bed again (after being dry for 7 months follwing treatment from specialist bedwetting clinic). Thinking about it now, mayeb that was an indication that there was something psycologically wrong? the specialist was very surprised to see us again afterwards as once cured, children tend to stay cured, very unusual to replase.

I'm fairly sure now that it was during year 4 that she started stealing.

At the end of year 4, they did the transfer day where they visit the new school, meet teacher, find out classmates etc. As soon as she'd done that, it was like we had our old dd1 back (for a bit anway). She seemed much happier more settled. Like all the stress was due to not knowing what was going to happen. Once she'd seen it and almost started, it wasn't so scary any more.

As for relationships with us, when I say we have a difficult relationship, I often find her hard to get on with. She argues back to virtually everything I say. Tends to ignore 99% of all requests, even if they are to her benefit (e.g. come to the kicthen your dinner is ready!). I find dd2 and 3 much easier to get on with a lot of the time. I had recently (lasty month) felt as though things were improving. I was only thinking to myself 2 days ago that it was good that she seemed to have stopped stealing only she hadn't!

When I said her Dad had given up on her, I meant this evening! They are very close. I don't drive, so he does all the ferrying children around. He takes and collects from Brownies and swimming. They do stuff together (mostly lego related stuff!). It's just he feels so very let down by the return of the stealing. He presuaded me to let her go to and from school by herself as we could trust her. I really wasn't sure, but her talked me round. Now he feels she's let us down

But yes, this does need addressing. I just wish I knew how. Loads of places to get advice for little babies aren't there, much harder to find it for odler children. She's our eldest - it's a very steep learning curve.

Dittany, when I said mentally wrong, I meant feelings & thinkings not chemicals & structure, sorry, I'm probably not making much sense!

and as for rules, over punishing - I think you've got a point. I do think that taking her presents off her seems very harsh. Christmas is stiff a month away, so it's a long time to be punishing her for.

The plan was she earnt money by doing jobs and that she could save it for what she wanted. No jobs were compulsory, always sugested rather than enforced. If she said no, that was that. The only rule was the dishwasher emptying was offered to her and dd2 in turn, cos dd2 got cross that dd1 did it all the time and had more money!

She's managed to earn approx £15 since September (at a rate of 4p per minute ish). Some weeks she's done nothing, other weeks she's been super keen!

It was her choice to save for a DS. As we realised it was going to take a very long time, we said we'd get it for Christmas (on condition of good behaviour) she then chose to save for DS games instead.

I don't think that's overly harsh set of rules. She ultimately has the choice of what she saving for (she's spent a few bits of money on other things meanwhile) and how many jobs she does.

Today we've found out she has..

stolen at school count 1 - someone else's toy (actually a classmates's sister's irreplaceable toy) that she pinched, broke, lied about pinching

stolen at school count 2 - her class teacher's notepad,

stolen from me - at least £3 based on receipts in her bag

been going to shops before and after school (despite knowing this was out of bounds) to buy sweets

and also there's the mysterious appearance of some pens, batteries, rubbers, wristbands and chocolate in her bag

so far she's been told no TV or PC this weekend and no DS for Christmas (this was offered about a month ago on condition of good behaviour).

I think maybe she needs an option to earn the DS back for Christmas. If she gets nothing / very little we;re all going to feel awful

sorry, not ignoring your last post, just takes me a long time to type my essays! will read your link now

thank you

I used to do this too .

IIRC it was from when I was 9 ish until prob about 12ish, very similar to how you describe your dd, I found school easy, coasted along and got decent grades without much effort, was eldest of 3, sister born when I was 9. I am NOT in prison and am very law abiding nowadays!

Looking back, I think I stole in response to pressure - being the eldest, helping out with the baby, moving to a bigger school, being 'good and grown up', 'setting an example to the others' etc. etc. I wanted attention just for being me, and I wanted to be good enough for my mum without having to be good all the time, help out, etc. My self esteem was rock bottom and I never felt good enough.

Maybe she needs space to just be a kid, rather than feel that she has to live up to your expectations. I think she is very young still, and it's easy to forget that when dealing with 3 others and feeling angry and dissapointed about the stealing. 9ish also very difficult time for hormones/puberty in girls.

IMO/E she'll grow out of it, she needs to know you love her and value her even when she doesn't behave brilliantly, punishing her too harshly could be detrimental long term, affect her self esteem and her relationship with you.

This has made me realise I put my mum through hell, bless her. ( again)

My son did this. After the nth time I told him if he did it again I would ring the police. He did, so I did. He came home from school to two 6'6" brick outhouse policemen and a black mariah waiting for him. They gave him a right bollocking and told himif he did it again they WOULD take him down to the station and put him in a cell. (They had already checked with me on the phone that I was ok with them threatening this)

My view was that he needed a real shock to stop him...and it worked. He was absolutely petrified and has never, ever done it since.

BTW I had already checked the not being bullied bit and spoken to school and removed priviledges and rewarded good behaviour...the police were the final straw and they were brilliant. Said they wished more parents would do it at that stage so they dealt with less hard nosed teenage theives at a later stage...