Controlling mother - advice badly needed please

[Broodymomma]

Where do I start? I need to know if i am being unreasonable and if not how should i deal with this?

My mum has always been controlling of everything and everyone in her life. There is a lot of history i could go into but I would bore you silly. The problem now is since I had my son my mum has become unbearable. I am practically invisible to her now and she never listens to what i say regarding my son. My son is her priority in life (her words not mine), some examples of what i find hard is

Her expectation she must see my ds once/twice per week - even though its a two hour round trip for us there. I work too so its often my only 2 days off are spent with me sitting like a lemon being ignored whilst she riles up my son. When we are there she will just walk out the house with him and go away for up to 30 mins without even telling me where they are going or invite me

Her mistake of calling herself "mummy" to him all the time

She buys ALL his clothes - literally i mean she goes out and buys more than enough clothes for two children in his age range about 2 months before he reaches the age.If she sees him dressed in something she has not bought she says "oh look at what you are wearing when you have so many nice clothes you could be wearing"

She went out and bought a new pram for him as he cried once in his old one!!

She is constantly asking to have him overnight but i wont allow it as she has kidney failure and is on a dialysis machine 10hrs per night and my father is elderly and also unwell and i feel ds would be too much for them. She said I am rediculous and dont let her spend time with ds. (have offered for us all to go stay but she said no its not the point)

Feels i dont feed him right and turned up at my house with a bag full of stuff she feels he should be eating. (ie load of crap)

I told her last year that i had pnd and was on anti'd's - she has never one since that day asked about it although tells me all about her "poor" neighbour who has pnd.

Everything is over the top - she undermines me at every turn and tells me i am cruel to ds when i ignore his tantrums, example - he hit me in the face with his toy car so i took it off him, he had a hissy fit which i asked both my parents to ignore until he clamed down - mum says i am crule and its "oh come to me darling blah blah come play with this car" wtf!

Ok i sound like a right ungreatful mare but i do appreciate that she adores him so much and is so good to him but she just takes it too far. As she is pretty ill I feel awful upsetting her by saying anything. When she bought the new pram i insisted she return it and she then spent 4 days ignoring me and then said she had been in tears all that time and too upset to talk. Her bp had supposedly rose so high she nearly got took back into hospital.

Is it so bad to want to be recognised as the mother! She is taking over way too much i just cant bare it anymore. Every time i leave their house i am in tears. I really really miss my mum - the way she was before she was ill. Since having my son so many feelings have come out in me in how she brought me up and i cant stand watching the way she is with my son as i know how it used to make me feel. She is not a bad person and she would be horrified is she knew what i was saying but i need to get this out. So sorry for droaning on but this is getting me so down. I cant say anything as she is ill but how far do i let this go?

caller ID

Don't fulfil her expectations! Don't go visiting if it doesn't suit you, just because she is manipulating you to do it. Put your foot down.

If she starts over riding you when you do visit, stand up and leave.

With the clothes, thank her for her generosity, but tell you have so many you will give them to needy friends/put them in charity. Food thing - tell her we don't eat this food here, take it with you when you leave please, or it will go to waste. etc...

She sounds much like my mother, how she treated me, until I didn't take it anymore. Fortunately she has no control over DS as she lives at the arse end of the world.

Message withdrawn

she refers to herself as yOUR DS 'Mummy?'...

You don't sound like an ungrateful mare.

You say she is not a bad person, and perhaps illness has changed her, but her behaviour is terrible. She is controlling and undermining and you are a saint for putting up with it, and not saying anything.

I would cut the visits. Start with dropping from twice a week to once a week. Tell her you need to spend one of your days off at home.

i swear you have described my mum! but then she never really liked me and now that i have my ds, when we visit i do not exist! she does not look at me let alone talk to me! if we go out with ds she has to push the buggy then race off so i am ten metres behind her.
anyway after a week of hell at her house i have decided against contact.
people think i am harsh but like you there is a long history.
do what you think is best for you and ds. i decided that i did not want my ds and soon dd to think it is normal to see their mum ignored and undermined at every corner.
my empathies.
x

yes, she will say "oh come with mummy.. come see what mummys got" she claims its slip of the tongue but it happens most times we visit.

I know i should just back off but i suppose i feel a massive guilt trip with her being ill. She seems to live for seeing ds and she constantly reminds me that my dad is getting old and she doesnt know how much liner she has got....

Its getting me down so much - ds is 16months now and it just gets worse as he gets older. All this from the woman who was unhappy i was having a boy as she wanted a girl even though it took 5 years and 3 ivf's to get him. I know i sound like a spolied brat but aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

ooohhh

nutter alert

(your mother, not you)

bethoo my mum does that with the pram too - she literally disappears with him. I feel sorry for you too! Hope things are easier for you now x

yes thank god! and now that she is currently living in Cupus i can rest assured for now!
but when i see her it brings back my childhood and she was not the most loving of mothers, cant think of one positive memory!

seriously is this not normal grandma behaviour then? I am not the nutter? I have struggled with the pnd and honestly started thinking it was me. This is just a teeny bit of it all that i have told you.

Oh the bit that freakes me out the most - she has built a nursery in the spare room - complete nursery. She had a friend at work that was having a baby on her own and did not have much mon ey so i gave mum loads of my sons stuff to help her out - i went into the spare room the other day and she had everything i had given for the friend in there. I gave it about 6 months ago but she has it all set out like a baby lives there right down to the nappy bin. She had a load of my newborn clothes "in storage" and i asked where they were as i was loaning them to a friend and she freaked out saying they were hers!!

Dont even get me started on her reaction when she found out we had booked a summer holiday abroad!!!

She probably is genuinely concerned that she may have very little time with your DS HOWEVER this does not excuse her behaviour. Is there any way that you could tell how her how all this is affecting you? If nothing else the slightest hint that is deterring you from visiting her with your DS may make her rein some of her worst excesses in.... If you really can't talk to her could you ask your dad for some support?

Broodymomma, are you my sister?!?!?

seriously, the only reason she isn't pulling this crap yet is because we live on the other side of the planet from her, but I am bracing myself for when we go home - she is certainly capable of all this sort of stuff.

What I thought was that I want to teach my ds that
(a) I am always in charge of him, and
(b) that I will always stand up for what I know to be right, and
(c) how to stand up to a bully

If I don't consciously try to teach him those things, he'd learn to undermine and bully me because he'd be seeing all the techniques (from her) - and seeing me give in to it.

For me, thinking of it in those terms has helped give me a bit more spine when it comes to dealing with her. Not to be nasty or argumentative, just to use my authoritah and be an adult around her. Ds needs me to be an adult, though mum will keep trying to treat me as a child.

ok I sound like a self-help book now I will shut up

hth

erm that is weird!
i would seriously be freaked out. like you said could it be her illness making her liek this? i think i would be worried.

Okaaaaaay your last post has changed my view somewhat - I think your mother has some psychological issues and she may need professional help....

I think you seriously need to take some time out (when is your holiday overseas?) as you are now too close to it to see how ridiculous your mum is behaving! I told my mum that she should enjoy being a grandparent (i.e. spoil DS etc etc) but to leave the parenting to me (i.e. do not feed DS something without asking me - sounds like PFB but I am not because she once tried to feed her little nephew some port wine! ). My MIL also tries to get too involved and I didn't even realise how much she undermines me until I went to see my parents (overseas) for 3 weeks and felt so 'free'! Since then, I've seriously cut down my contact with her. I feel bad sometimes BUT I realised how quickly DS is growing up and I really want to enjoy him not be made to think every minute that I am doing something wrong with him.

Don't let your mum guilt-trip you too much. They have had their chance at parenting. This is yours!

Wowbroody, poor you! She is very confused about her role! My Mum will mind my chidren as a favour to me, but she's always reminding me that she has bridge, shopping, lunch with 'the girls'. She is a grandma and prefers that.

I lived with a controlling man for a long time, and I always made the mistake of reasoning with him, or trying to. A very sensible poster on MN posted some advice to somebody which as stuck with me. You don't explain yourself, or justify what you're doing or why you're doing something.

Do things YOUR way and then just keep saying "because I chose to" Because that's what I decided" "that's what I did". Don't get angry or flustered, or plead with her to see your side .

I know it's easy to type. I eventually walked away from a controlling man, but obviously you can't really do that when the controller is your Mum. So good luck.

No no no she is very wrong and you are very right, and patient.
You say she is a nice person but if she was she would respect you and your son and not treat you both this way.
I don't think there is a total sollution but you need to start by NOT doing what she says and NOT justifying why. Just TELL her what you are doing (if you have to) and don't give a reason why.
I'm sorry she's making your life a misery, my mother is very similar and I haven't found a sollution yet, haven't spoken to her for nearly 3 years though so thats my solution for now.
Have you seen the 'stately homes' thread?

OMG, you poor thing. She is horrendous. it is awful that she is ill but she has no right to behave this way. I would go absolutely menatal if my mil or mother behaved like that. In fact, when they are annoying and unreasonable, I tell them in no uncertain terms.

Calling herself mummy - plain weird.

Stand up for yourself.

She has stepped up a gear since the illness but she has always been controlling. A few of my childhood memories are

being forced to copy letters to family abroad word for word and it being ripped up time and time again until she deemed my handwriting acceptable

having her screaming in my face the times tables because i could not remember them

when i found her with another man behind my dads back she slapped my face and told me it was all my fault and i would cause problems for my dad if i told (i was 18 and moved out of home that day)

stupid things like as a child if i had my hair done at the hairdresser i had to tell everyone she did it if it looked good

when i was abused by a babysitter and told her at 8 years old she got angry and said " did i want social workers interfering in our lives because of my lies" - i confronted both my parents over this a few years ago as i could not get over the fact they done nothing and it has stayed with me all my life - again i dot the silent treatment and the "how could you do this to me..." from her

its just easier to shut up most of the time as its emotional black mail all the time. I feel like i just cant cope with it anymore. I get constant digs about my weight and how i have let myself go - am only a 14 - one size bigger than i was prior to ds.

Ohh im so sorry now i have started i have just opened up the floodgates now. Cant ask my dad for help as he seems to have just given up, anything for an easy life. He is not my real father although he is the only dad i have ever known but he is in his late 70's now and had a disease himself so he just doesnt need it. She completely controls from what he eats to what he wears and what he says. When we are out in my car he will sit and ask her what route she wants me to take - ffs!! I ignore them both and go my own route but its so annoying!!

If I wasyou I'd stop all contact and write a letter outlining everything you've written here. I would say that any contact will be on your terms and once every 2 weeks or so. That or nothing.
It sounds harsh, but she's brought it on herself and I wouldn't give her many more chances tbh.
Her behaviour is so extreme/insane thsat I wondered if this was real.
You have no duty of care to someone who controls/bullies myou. You have to look after your son and yourself.

Really your Mum has big issues and it is in your best interests to rapidly get some distane from her. He attitude (when you were a child and now) is probably a notable factor in your PND.

I hope you gain some strength whilst you were away. What does your DH say will he support you in how you decide to tackle it?

I swear on my little boys life this is real. Every last word. I thought perhaps because of the pnd i was just over reacting and i needed to know if this was normal grandma behaviour. I only have 1 ds so this is all new to me.

Thanks to everyone who has responded. I just need to get my confidence back to put myself and ds first. I cant be made to feely guilty and responsible for her happiness.

Thanks to all of you - just needed to get this off my chest.

I swear on my little boys life this is real. Every last word. I thought perhaps because of the pnd i was just over reacting and i needed to know if this was normal grandma behaviour. I only have 1 ds so this is all new to me.

Thanks to everyone who has responded. I just need to get my confidence back to put myself and ds first. I cant be made to feely guilty and responsible for her happiness.

Thanks to all of you - just needed to get this off my chest.

My dh is furious about it and is sick of seeing me in tears or down everytime i have been with her. She is very clever and is somewhat a normal person when he is around though so he rarely sees it. That is one of the things that makes me realise she knows exactly what she is doing.