Controlling mother - advice badly needed please

[Broodymomma]

Where do I start? I need to know if i am being unreasonable and if not how should i deal with this?

My mum has always been controlling of everything and everyone in her life. There is a lot of history i could go into but I would bore you silly. The problem now is since I had my son my mum has become unbearable. I am practically invisible to her now and she never listens to what i say regarding my son. My son is her priority in life (her words not mine), some examples of what i find hard is

Her expectation she must see my ds once/twice per week - even though its a two hour round trip for us there. I work too so its often my only 2 days off are spent with me sitting like a lemon being ignored whilst she riles up my son. When we are there she will just walk out the house with him and go away for up to 30 mins without even telling me where they are going or invite me

Her mistake of calling herself "mummy" to him all the time

She buys ALL his clothes - literally i mean she goes out and buys more than enough clothes for two children in his age range about 2 months before he reaches the age.If she sees him dressed in something she has not bought she says "oh look at what you are wearing when you have so many nice clothes you could be wearing"

She went out and bought a new pram for him as he cried once in his old one!!

She is constantly asking to have him overnight but i wont allow it as she has kidney failure and is on a dialysis machine 10hrs per night and my father is elderly and also unwell and i feel ds would be too much for them. She said I am rediculous and dont let her spend time with ds. (have offered for us all to go stay but she said no its not the point)

Feels i dont feed him right and turned up at my house with a bag full of stuff she feels he should be eating. (ie load of crap)

I told her last year that i had pnd and was on anti'd's - she has never one since that day asked about it although tells me all about her "poor" neighbour who has pnd.

Everything is over the top - she undermines me at every turn and tells me i am cruel to ds when i ignore his tantrums, example - he hit me in the face with his toy car so i took it off him, he had a hissy fit which i asked both my parents to ignore until he clamed down - mum says i am crule and its "oh come to me darling blah blah come play with this car" wtf!

Ok i sound like a right ungreatful mare but i do appreciate that she adores him so much and is so good to him but she just takes it too far. As she is pretty ill I feel awful upsetting her by saying anything. When she bought the new pram i insisted she return it and she then spent 4 days ignoring me and then said she had been in tears all that time and too upset to talk. Her bp had supposedly rose so high she nearly got took back into hospital.

Is it so bad to want to be recognised as the mother! She is taking over way too much i just cant bare it anymore. Every time i leave their house i am in tears. I really really miss my mum - the way she was before she was ill. Since having my son so many feelings have come out in me in how she brought me up and i cant stand watching the way she is with my son as i know how it used to make me feel. She is not a bad person and she would be horrified is she knew what i was saying but i need to get this out. So sorry for droaning on but this is getting me so down. I cant say anything as she is ill but how far do i let this go?

Bloody hell fire, she sounds awful!

I think you need to decide what YOU want. Take some time 'off' her - be busy the next few weekends. Then introduce your 'rules' - either overtly, or just start doing things differently. You may feel some of what she does you can cope with - that's up to you.

Having kids does make you re-evaluate your childhood - what you want to replicate and what you don't. It's one of the ways we become better parents. That's what you're doing

I have little contact with my parents, my upbringing is a huge factor in my depression (now thankfully gone). It is not nice having to distance yourself from your parents but when it is such a negative force in your life it sometimes the best thing for you.

Please ditch them, tell your dh exactly what goes on and ask him to support you and protect you from them whilst you distance yourself. You mum will find it harder to get to if you and your dh have a united front.

This is not normal grandma behaviour.

You do not have to go there several times a week.

You can get up and leave whenever you like.

You say "she ignored me for 4 days" as if that were not a good thing! How much of her attention do you want?

Which reminds me, i should ring my own mum.

bm good luck.
sorry you have been through all this, i understand how you feel.
i think you need to decide if you want to see her or not.
and IF YOU do, it has to be on your terms and when its conveniant to you.
do not let her spend time with him alone, she's not to be trusted imo.

either write her or letter or tell her things need to change and why.
OR just start doing things differently starting tomorrow.

The 4 days thing was just because i had tried to contact her after the argument to talk it through but she refused my calls for 4 days. I did only call once a day.

You are all right. I could probably cope if i seen her less so thats what i have to do. I thin as my dad is much older and failing health my mum only has me - she does not see any other member of her family so without me she has nobody. I am an only child and have been put on a guilt trip my whole life but its time to grow up and put my own child first and stop letting her overpower me. Its just all hit me since i had my son how unhappy i am with my own relationship with my parents - i just never envisaged her being like this with my son and i may be a little pfb but he is my son not hers and she needs to realise that.

Thanks again to you all, i feel better for having opened up about it. As you can probably tell this is the first time i have.

Like everyone has said this is not normal behaviour and your mother obviously has issues.

I think it's common to start analysing your own relationship with your parents once you have children. This certainly happened to me and I had not given it too much thought before.

It sounds like you might have a long process ahead of you. I have learnt to be more assertive with my parents over time, but it is not easy and I feel guilty when they get offended.

I hope you can do that. Keep posting.

Why do people behave like this? Is it simply because other people let them?

Sounds like you have woken up to her - don't expect her to understand this and realise the game is up - she sounds like she doesn't know how bizarre she is being. She could well ratch it up to get you back under control. Someone I knew who behaved extremely badly in a controlling way, and who finally got stood up to, started to have all sorts of "crises", until they finally got the message that this time no-one believed him.

But fantastic that you have admitted it to yourself as this is definitely the first step to getting control of your life and child.

Setting up a nursery isn't too bad (although doing it with stuff you gave her for her "friend" is). Everything else is completely out of order.

When we struggle with 'problem' parents, it's hard to get the strength to make changes in our own behaviour just for our own benefit iyswim. However, just keep on telling yourself that you are a parent now, and responsible for the emotional wellbeing of your son. I think the suggestion made about writing a letter and cutting contact for a while was a good one, and steel yourself for a barrage of guilt inducements by printing off this thread and reading it every time she starts. Your son and your little family are what's important now. Remember, you're a grown up, you don't have to do anything you don't want to.

There is a thread in Relationships supporting those with 'toxic parents' - it's called 'But we took you to stately homes...'

Might be worth a look, though lots of wise words here.

Thanks again to you all for responing to this. I have woken up this morning feeling stronger about the whole thing. It is the first time i have ever opened up about it to anyone other than dh and just to know that i am not over reacting and tht its not "me" is good.

I think looking back over my whole life my mum has been so used to controlling everything that she just cant cope now with loosing that control and is going ott in trying to hang on to it. My plan of action is to start with the visiting just once per week and becoming more assertive each and every time she starts. When she inevitably goes crazy thats when we will have a discussion that i am 33 not 13 and she needs to give me the space to find my own way as a mum. It may not be all that she agrees with but if i looked back on her as a mother and seen traits i wanted to copy then i would be more inclined to take her advice.

Anyway i think i have droaned on enough and i will go check out that thread in the relationships section.

Thanks again to you all
x

So sorry for you Broody. I think others are right and you do need to have some space from her. I certainly don't think you should be driving all that way on your days off work. Certainly not both days in one week. I would say visit once every 2 weeks, as I understand that your parents are getting older etc. But don't let her force you into visiting more often. And if you have the strength then tell her she needs to let you be the parent. He is your DS not hers.

She is manipulative and is using her illness to control you. You can't control her health, think about it. What makes you sick? "Fate", stress, or one particular person?

Im back!! I just cant cope with her anymore. All is well for a few weeks and now she has kicked off again and I have had enough.

Christmas has been ok and as she has been sick again I have let a lot of things slide. However I am getting the silent treatment now and been made to feel guilty over supposedly upsetting them both. Long story but my dad has 2 kids by his ex wife - they hate me pretty much for being brought up by their dad (only dad i have ever know since age 3). Anyway mum does not speak to his son and will walk out a room if he comes in. She gets on better now with the daughter but there is no relationship there between me and her and i feel totally uncomfortable in her company. I cut all ties with that side of things when she made a scene at my wedding when i danced with "her" dad. I made it clear when ds arrived that they would have no part in his life as i did not want him being picked up and dropped according to their mood.

Anyway as we were with mil for xmas my parenst invited the 3 of us today for a meal. It had been organised for 3 weeks. 2 days ago i get a text saying "do you mind if we invite them too" i said " i would really rather it just the 5 of us. Imagine how you would feel if you had to sit with the son for dinner, thats how i feel and i dont want ds around all that" anyway the next text says "well we have invited them so they will be here". I replied saying " perhaps best we come another day then let me know whenever suits you".

So today i get a message (wont answer her phone to me) saying "dad cancelled the meal as it was not what he wanted it to be thanks to you". I am flaming furious. One I know my dad had nothing to do with it this was all her and by saying that she is trying to make me feel guilty.

I feel sick to my stomach at the way she sees fit to treat me and just cant cope with her anymore. The whole reason i dont get on with my step siblings is due to the sheer volume of when i was and wasnt allowed to talk to them as a child according to my mums moods. I cant bare that sort of situation anymore and have been much happier just keeping myself out of it all. However as she is flavour of the month with mum im meant to just bow down and forget the way they have treated me over the years. So its back to the snippy texts, ignoring my calls and the attemps of the guilt trip. Why is she doing this??

Broodymomma - your mother clearly has issues! You have a lovely DS - focus on your son and partner and ignore the crazy lady and her guilt trip tricks. Speak to your dad (who I assume is the voice of reason between your parents) to explain your reasoning or not coming to the meal and to apologise if it upset him - and leave your crazy mother well alone (I too have an emotional mum - distance and doing your own thing is the only way to remain sane in my experience)