DH's no quitting rule

[Milcy]

DH has a rule for our family about not quitting anything. So when the kids (or I) take something up we have to keep on at it.

I don't agree with it myself but it has sort of paid off in some respects. When DS took up Judo he wanted to quit about 6 months later but couldn't due to DH. 3 years later, DS has worked his way up the grades and has competed in numerous tournaments (gaining bronze in one!). Although he still says he wants to quit.

Anyway the latest one is that the kids decided to join up to a holiday football club. They go 3 days a week from 10am to 3pm all through the holidays. The first week was fine, the 2nd week they were 'ok' and now they hate going and want to quit. They can't because of DH's rule however and its making us miserable. DS said its totally ruining his summer holidays, DD was crying last night because she didn't want to go and I'm the one that has to deal with it all whilst DH is at work.

I know we have to respect DH but at the same time, should the kids be able to do what they want on their summer holidays?

It really does seem potty if it has stopped your DD trying a new activity.

I think your DH needs to let go of the past and become realistic.

hmmm

I can sort of see his point then if you have already paid

but if they are crying and teary....I would just swallow the cost I think (but I am soft)

Just reading your other threads:

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By Milcy on Tue 12-Aug-08 14:41:11

Am I being OTT to be upset by this?

I'm trying to tidy up last night after having been at work. First thing that happens is DH finishes a packet of crisps and just slings the bag on the floor and then points to it for me to pick up angry I picked it up to avoid an argument and then get the hoovr out and DH shouts "you can fuck off with that, I'm watching telly"

So I left the hoover in the middle of the floor and stormed out and he said I was trying to cause an argument.

I'm still a bit upset about it, I just feel like he doesn't respect me at all.

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By Milcy on Tue 12-Aug-08 14:25:23

DH has just cut my weekly shopping budget down from £40 to £30 yet complains that I don't get enough to last the week.

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It sounds as though you have some very serious issues with your husband, to be honest.

I would let the children quit if they want to. If your DH's job started making him unhappy would he stick it out for the rest of his life or find a new one? Quitting is not a bad thing....being unhappy is.

Oh dear this sounds awful

I prefer dc to see something through if I've paid up for a block of lessons or whatever so they appreciate it all costs money etc, but honestly, anything that was causing that much unhappiness isn't worth it.

Dd did that with ballet (colletive sigh of relief from both her and me on that one)

What on earth is to be gained from making people do something they hate when it's supposed to be done for enjoyment? Especially in the holidays. And how can you know if you'll enjoy it or not if you don't try it?

Imposing such a strict rule could put someone off from having a bash at anything in the first place.

I am pretty much with your DH here, particularly as regards your ds.
Being the weakest player is not much fun but it does mean that he will learn
a lot from the experience. Tell him he can then impress his mates with his new skills!

I am not quite sure what your dd expected from this but 'nobody talking to her'
is not much of a reason for giving up either.

Could it be that they are making excuses?
The novelty has worn off (how come they didn't complain in the first week?)
and the real learning curve has kicked in which, of course, means pressure.
I think everyone who has ever tried something new - be it a new sport or learning
a new language - knows the feeling.

Applying any rule dogmatically is not a good idea but in this particular instance
I think your DH has got it right.
Don't feel sorry for them, encourage them to view the learning curve as a brilliant challenge.

He sounds a real dick and a control freak. There are far more problems here than just the holiday clubs.

what nonsense

It's not the Army

Let children be children and HAVE FUN

A parent's job isn't to instill depressing life lessons on their children

And they are never going to want to start a new activity of their own volition if this is his mantra

he is wrong

there's nothing to stop your dh going back and doing judo now

dh gave up kung fu as a kid and then went back in his 30s to study for his black belt

tell him to stop moaning and find a class for himself if it means that much to him, and to stop taking his regrets out on his kids and to do something about them instead

childhood is for finding out what you like

karate sorry not judo

get online now and find him a class to go to

get him a bag full of karate clothes and tell him to get out the house and not come back till he has medals to show

Cappuccino

Not that I totally agree with your dh, but I think he has a point. I mean, we pander to childrens needs/whims so much. I want to do ballet/I want to join brownies,/ I want this and that.
Even my ds wants things, I give in,a dn then they are hardly ever played with. I will be seeling some stuff on e-ay/car boot, soon. Beleive me.
I bet it cost quite a bit to get the judo stuff in the first place, right ?
Do you sit your children down and ask them ? I.e. you know how daddy feels about .... are you really sure you want to... can you go and check it out before we committ......
Did children know that it was for 3 days, for the whole of the holidays ?

oblomov it is her dh who gave up karate, not the kids

years back

oh sorry I see

as you were

Agree with DaddyJ.
I do think this is an issue, with/for your dh, thats needs consideration.
BUT.... giving up at the first whim, teaches nothing. Sometimes I enjoyed classses more than other times. Sometimes I didn't want to go to Khai-Bo, for weeks on end. But 2 months later, I was back in the swing,and couldn't wait to get there.
None of us would ever get good at judo/swimming/ stimulate a talent/ finish our accountancy papers ( yes, I didn't ), if we gave up at the first hurdle.

I actually like the idea of sending DH to karate, I know he's been looking for classes and suits etc on ebay.

I'm going to look into that, if he didn't have so many regrets himself maybe he wouldn't try and live through the kids.

My dad was JUST like this when I was growing up (actually he still is now). It really affected me, I felt soooooo guilty all the time that he had grown up poor and with no opportunities that I played guitar with a horrid teacher until he made me cry and my mum put her foot down, I did gymnastics for years that I HATED but wasn't allowed to quit, and many other similar situations.

I realised one day that it wasn't my fault that my dad didn't have the opportunities I did and that I wasn't going to feel guilty any more.

I am totally the opposite now, almost in rebellion, and I try all sorts of different things all the time, and encourage the same in my DD. Of course there is the initial period of getting used to something and then learning and working hard but don't force your DCs to do something that makes them miserable just because of your DH's principle (which btw will be much more about him than about your DCs).

(I think Oblomov is referring to the DS doing judo for the last three years)

The judo stuff probably cost a bit, yes -- but over the last 2.5 years (the time span OP's DS has been doing judo while hating it) they've probably had to spend a fair bit more on new stuff to support a hobby that he doesn't like and doesn't want to do. Which hardly seems a good use of money when her DH is allowing £30 a week food budget.

My post from 14.32 asked again:

How much longer does the football run? They're now into their 3rd or 4th week, so it can't last much longer....surely?

OP said "all through the holidays" so presumably another three weeks?

There is no way I would force my DS to do an activity that made him cry etc. Rules are one thing but that takes things to the extreme.

What a horrible way to spend your childhood, either too scared of trying something new for fear you'll be made to do it for years or constantly upset by having to do an optional activity that you dont like.

DS tried karate but didnt like it, loves his swimming lessons and looks forward to going. I will let him try what he wants but would never force him to do something optional that made him sad or upset.

I think your DH has a point to an extent. Presumably you asked your DCs whether they wanted to do the course, that it would be for the duration of the summer and that it would cost a lot of money?

I think you need to discuss the inflexibility of this rule with DH for future clubs etc particularly as he's not the one having to deal with the DCs being upset when they're not enjoying it.

Your dh is a bully. He makes a rule, all on his own, and orders that the rest of you obey - and that you enforce it, even though you don't agree with it?

Tell him to piss off, pick his own bloody rubbish up off the floor and sort out his own hobby if it is bothering him that much.