Would you let your pregnant 21 yr old move back home if things in her life were not goingly smoothly ??

[IllegallyBrunette]

I know I most definatly would, without a second thought.

The reason I ask, is because xp's eldest dd (21), is expecting her first baby with her partner who is basically a twat. He doesn't work, has no intention of doing so, and doesn't treat xp's dd very well at all.

She does work part time, but is struggling to pay all bills etc because her dp contirbutes nothing at all. They argue all of the time and he is constantly leaving her and coming back etc.

Her mum (xp's first wife), lives alone, in a three bed house, but has told her dd that she is not welcome to move back in as she has raised her kids and it's her time now.

I am utterly gobsmacked that she can treat her own dd in this way when she knows just how much she is struggling. She is nearly 7mths pregnant fgs, not eating properly, sending texts to her dad saying she wished she wasn't here, and basically just not coping at all.

IMO xp and his ex wife are going about the whole thing in the wrong way, constantly lecturing their dd about whats going on, saying she got herself into this mess etc etc, and that they can't keep bailing her out.

Apparently they are both going round to see her tommorow night, and I told xp that imo they are going to push her further away if they carry on having a go at her, but his opinion is that her life is ruined anyway now.

I know it really is nothing to do with me, but I am just amazed at her mums atitude.

everyone needs a helping hand when they have a crisis

Oh and PinkTulips I hope you haven't inferred from my posts that I think young motherhood is a bad thing, my sister had all her three children before the age of 25 quite on purpose - because she wanted to be young enough to run around and be still quite young when they flew the nest. She had her first at 21, second at 22 (and a bit) and third at 24.

We have different experiences of 21 year olds I think. Mum had my oldest sister at 19 (though obviosly that was a different time).

If my mum had offered I would have been there like a shot but she didn't not even when I was really miserable.

But I am sure, had I asked she probably would have but wouldn't have been happy IYSWIM.

Like I say - depends on the circumstances and teh relationship you have. I love my mum to bits and she was completely supportive in other ways (I cried on her so much) but I was raised to be independent and my mum had me very young so I think I kind of owe it to her to let her have her own life now.

Erm tinysocks, I was 19 when I had my first child, and had got three by 24. I don't consider myself to have thrown the best years of my life away.

I'd just like them to at least offer her an alternative, then she at least has a choice.

There will always be a home with us for our DC. Being a parent does not stop when they move out. When the chips are down then that's what being a parent is about. Yes I want them to move out and stand on their own two feet - as they will too - but sometimes we make wrong decisions and being a parent is helping your DC through those times.

I might try to offer support and practical help first but if my DD was pregnant by a man who was not supporting her then my door would be open. I love her. The love is unconditional and when she needs me I want to be there for her. It would not be a long term solution but it might be the break she needed before getting back on her own two feet.

i was 21 when i had dd. best thing that ever happened to me. i was seriuosly set on self destruct before her.

i now have far more ambition/motivation and my best saturday nights invlove popcorn and juice and disney dvds!

dd is the best years of my life

But the fact that they don't want to probably makes it a good thing that they don't IYSWIM? They could definately be more of a hindrance than a help, which is possibly why she hasn't asked.

I guess people make different life choices IllegallyB.
I love being a mum, love my kids, but I am really really happy to have I enjoyed my 20s with the freedome to travel, work hard, have fun, study, etc. 21 is too young.

Possibly Morloth, but I still think that they should offer. She doesn't have to accept their help, but imo to not offer it is just wrong.

I split with my xp when I was 27 and have 3 kids. My dad said that if the worst came to the worst and xp refused to leave, we were more than welcome at his. My dad is 62, and can't really handle three lively kids for longer than a few hours at a time, plus he didn't have the room for us either. But he offered all the same, and I was immensly grateful for that.

Too young for you TinySocks and certainly it was too young for me but other people have different ideas of what makes a good life, to each their own.

I guess one of the reasons I am taking the stance I am on the this thread is that it annoys me when grown women are treated like children. We are better than that.

morloth, those were exactly mine and dp's reasons for choosing to have kids young. we want to travel and enjoy life after they'e grown up and we'll be young enough to enjoy a good few years of jetsetting having had kids younger.

not to mention this pregnancy at 24 is already harder than the one at 20 so i'm glad i'm finished with it all now (well in 6 months!)

tinysocks.... i much prefer motherhood to drinking and clubbing, i consider my life since dd to be the best years of my life, not what went before or what i might have done without her in my life.

Exactly tinysocks, which is why I don't think it is fair to say that she has thrown the best years of her life away.

PinkTulips, said sister is really rubbing it in these days. She is now 35 (I am 31) and her youngest is 11. Such freedom! I cannot comprehend!

lol, my friend had her boys at the same age as i had mine. she's 32 now and has soooo much freedom compared to other women her age, really looking forward to that stage!

I would definitely allow my DD to come back home, I would also invite anyone pregnant with my son's child if the situation came about that they had nowhere else to be.

Would you and her dad consider taking her in to help her?

I think she will need plenty of help. I feel sorry for her, and I think young girls need to think twice before making choices like these.

I agree each to their own, but not when you are in a relationship with a useless man with no future who couldn't possibly be a good father figure for her children.

if my daughter asked to move back in as she had nowhere to live of course i'd welcome her home with open arms.

however when i was 20 i moved out, pregnant, alone. i hadn't planned the pregnancy.

things were a bit tense at home and while my parents would never see me short it was not possible to stay at the time. it was the best thing i've ever done.

i stayed in my mum's the first night i came out of hospital and the next day i returned to my tiny flat. my dd was my responsibility. i needed to learn how to be a big girl and to parent myself.

it did wonders for my maturity and has made me very independant- i rarely ask for babysitting help from my parents. i grew up from a child to an adult in less than a year.

it isn't easy, of course it is the more difficult option. but sometimes people need to step up and face their situation themselves.

21 is not too young, a parent is a parent. especially if she planned this situation. if she hasn't asked to come home maybe she just knows she needs to do it herself. the responsibility does not always need to fall on the grandparents.

I don't think age has anything to do with maturity levels, I have 2 friends who are 30, have children and are very sensible and yet another who is a complete ditz despite owning her own house etc.

At 21 I had just left uni and yes we all think that we know it all and that life will turn out fine but sometimes it doesn't.

I have 2 sons and would like to think that I would have any future grandchild live with us until after the baby was born and then help them to find somewhere to live.

Yes our children have to learn to stand on their own two feet but how many women have suffered from PND despite having help/support and a partner who was there to provide for them?

I wouldn't want to watch anyone circling the drain and not help in some way.

mamalovesmojitos: "21 is not too young, a parent is a parent. especially if she planned this situation."

Sorry to disagree. There are 21 year old girls who are mature (but hopefully will want to enjoy life a little before settling!!). However this girl, planned to become pregnant by a TWAT, with no future, someone who will not be there for her; Does this really tell you that she is ready to become a parent? That she is responsible enough? I think it shows the complete opposite, it shows that she has no idea what it takes to bring a child to the world.

It is difficult enough being a parent with all the support.

tinysocks: firstly i do not agree with you when you say that that it would be preferable for 21 girls to enjoy life a little before settling. many posters have already pointed out that being a young mother is no burden and that they enjoy life WITH their child.

just because you did not choose it for yourself does not mean that every other 21 year old woman feels the same. it does not mean that all young mothers miss out on something, or will feel trapped,or are lacking the emotional maturity to be good parents.

maybe this girl is not very mature and is very irresponsible. however the op has painted a picture of a bright, capable woman who has made a mistake in the partner she chose. how do we know that he showed his true colours before the pregnancy?

at the end of the day whether ready or not she is going to be a parent. her mother doesn't sound very supportive. maybe this girl will step up to the plate and be a fantastic mother. many young women have done it before her.