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Parenting

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Would you let your pregnant 21 yr old move back home if things in her life were not goingly smoothly ??

72 replies

IllegallyBrunette · 25/07/2008 15:00

I know I most definatly would, without a second thought.

The reason I ask, is because xp's eldest dd (21), is expecting her first baby with her partner who is basically a twat. He doesn't work, has no intention of doing so, and doesn't treat xp's dd very well at all.

She does work part time, but is struggling to pay all bills etc because her dp contirbutes nothing at all. They argue all of the time and he is constantly leaving her and coming back etc.

Her mum (xp's first wife), lives alone, in a three bed house, but has told her dd that she is not welcome to move back in as she has raised her kids and it's her time now.

I am utterly gobsmacked that she can treat her own dd in this way when she knows just how much she is struggling. She is nearly 7mths pregnant fgs, not eating properly, sending texts to her dad saying she wished she wasn't here, and basically just not coping at all.

IMO xp and his ex wife are going about the whole thing in the wrong way, constantly lecturing their dd about whats going on, saying she got herself into this mess etc etc, and that they can't keep bailing her out.

Apparently they are both going round to see her tommorow night, and I told xp that imo they are going to push her further away if they carry on having a go at her, but his opinion is that her life is ruined anyway now.

I know it really is nothing to do with me, but I am just amazed at her mums atitude.

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SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 25/07/2008 15:40

i did move back in with my parents at 21 when i was pg. i had a rented house miles and miles away from them and because i was on my own they wanted me closer to them so i moved back home while my dad was helping me find a place of my own.

and yes i would my daughters the same if it came down to it. i wouldnt even have to think about it.

IllegallyBrunette · 25/07/2008 15:41

Could be Peachy, poor girl.

Apparently, the baby was planned, but then her boyfriend hasn't given a shit since. He already has one little boy from a previous relationship that he isn't allowed to see.

I just hope that when they go round there tommorow, xp and his ex wife can have a bit of bloody sympathy for their own daughter, and offer her some help instead of having a go, yet again.

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Morloth · 25/07/2008 15:43

Alright seriously? the baby was planned ? in that case any sympathy I would have had for her position would get thrown straight out the window! He already has a child that he doens't care for and she intentionally got pregnant to this man?

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IllegallyBrunette · 25/07/2008 15:44

I planned my three children, that didn't stop things going wrong in my relation ship afterwards Morloth.

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IllegallyBrunette · 25/07/2008 15:45

I planned my three children, that didn't stop things going wrong in my relation ship afterwards Morloth.

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SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 25/07/2008 15:46

yes but morloth this is thier daughter we are talking about. you seriously would not have any sympathy for your own daughter in that situation, she is 21, 21 year olds do silly things she is still growing up!!

witchandchips · 25/07/2008 15:48

Remember over a third of 21 year olds will still be basically living at home being at uni.

Morloth · 25/07/2008 15:50

I think we are just approaching this from different angles. I do view a 21 year old as a grown up, in MY experience they are.

Already said that if it was MY daughter who needed to come home she would be able to but under conditions and I would be absolutely spitting angry with her for being so bloody stupid.

Brunette did you deliberately plan to have a baby with a man you already knew to be a deadbeat?

It does sound like the woman (not a girl a woman!) had some crappy life experiences leading up to this, so with that in mind - is it really a good idea that she does go home to the very people who caused her to be so messed up and to thereby expose her baby to that?

IllegallyBrunette · 25/07/2008 15:51

I would accept any of my kids back home at whatever age if they were really in need, as she is.

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Hecate · 25/07/2008 15:52

Yes. I would. My children would always have a home with me, if they needed it. (unless they were trying to kill me or something! )

PeachyBAHons · 25/07/2008 15:53

mmmm, morloths final paragraph has a salient point i guess

21 year olds vary hugely in maturity, I really wasn't very grown up at all, whereas bm had been self sufficient since 17

HumphreySmallPillow · 25/07/2008 15:54

LOL @ Hecate's very sensible proviso.

thisisyesterday · 25/07/2008 15:54

yes, I would in an instant.

sometimes people make mistakes, bad decisions.
maybe my kids will, I don't know.
But I do know that if they need me I would move heaven and earth to be there for them, even if I thought what they had done was stupid

IllegallyBrunette · 25/07/2008 15:54

I didn't realise my xp was a deadbeat right away, and still not when I had my first child with him, but definatly by my third child, yes I did and I still went ahead and had one.

Stupid ? yes definatly, but people do make mistakes.

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SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 25/07/2008 15:54

i left home at 17 i moved halfway accross the country before my 19th birthday. i was still not fully mature at 21. i was essentially still a child.

i dont think i have met many 21 year olds who fully understand the world and are always responsible and never make any bad/childish/ill thought out choices. i think 25 is when you are and adult, in that you should know better by that age.

IllegallyBrunette · 25/07/2008 15:55

ROFL @ Hecate, suppose I can agree with that LOL.

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IllegallyBrunette · 25/07/2008 15:56

I was quite mature at 21, mainly because I already had two children by then, but ti didn't stop me making mistakes, even after that.

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more · 25/07/2008 15:58

I don't care how old she is if she needs my support then I will be happy to give it to her.

My parents threw out my little sister when she needed their support and they "forbade" me to have her stay with us (we were renting from them at the time). I have not seen or spoken to them for over 2 years now.

beanieb · 25/07/2008 16:02

Well, without knowing much about their relationship and what her daughter may have put her through I wouldn't like to judge. Perhaps her mum doesn't want her daughter to move back in because she should be able to make her own decisions and run her own life by the age of 21?

I split with my ex and lived with him for 10 months, it was hell but I never ever asked my mum to take me in even though at times I was really miserable because she has a life and a job and after raising me for so many years I didn't think it was her job to rescue me.

IllegallyBrunette · 25/07/2008 16:03

What about if your mum had offered though beanie ?? Would you have taken her up on it or stayed where you didn't really want to be ??

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PinkTulips · 25/07/2008 16:04

my dd was planned when i was 20

i was lucky in that dp is a good partner and father but if he wasn't it would immediately have been my fault for being young and stupid and i would have been treated like filth being a single mom at 21. as opposed to a 30 year old woman who would get buckets of sympathy and understanding for having had the bad luck to be with the wrong man simply for being 10 years older.

Morloth · 25/07/2008 16:05

Having a third child with a loser is just completely beyond anything I can understand Brunette. I just couldn't do it. Obviously circumstances change etc but to knowingly bring another person into such a situation?

Can you not hunt her down? Check BT directory or something? I do kind of stand by my thought that maybe her parents are not the best people to have around her at the moment in any case.

zippitippitoes · 25/07/2008 16:06

crikey i am 51 and still making catastrophic mistakes

some quite immature ones too

IllegallyBrunette · 25/07/2008 16:06

Good for you Morloth, but as I said, people make mistakes. Personally, it is a mistake I am glad I made else i'd not have my Ds would I.

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TinySocks · 25/07/2008 16:07

The baby was planned
21 is still so young, oh my goodness. The best years of her life thrown away just like that.
Kids just don't understand how difficult it is to be a parent. HOW CAN SHE PLAN TO HAVE A BABY WITH JUST A TWAT.

Yes, I would have her back in my house and help her rebuild her life. But I hate it when people bring little babies to the world so irresponsibly.