Why is it that proponents of 'controlled' crying think they're the emotional powerhouses of the parenting world?

[MrsThierryHenry]

I've now heard one too many people boasting to me that the reason I refuse to use controlled crying when DS has sleep problems is that I'm apparently 'not strong enough' (I say 'boasting' because they clearly see themselves as emotional He-Men). So far, every time I've heard this I've swallowed hard and restrained myself from saying 'actually the reason I refuse to subject my child to such treatment is that I think it's cruel'. Maybe I should say that next time. I mean, which is harder - walking out of the door for 1.5 hours and switching on the radio downstairs so you can't hear your toddler screaming their lungs dry and thrashing their little bodies against the cot? Or going back every five minutes to soothe, reassure and calm them down?

As far as I can see, when you have a child, you're going to have sleep traumas at some point, but there's a choice as to who experiences the most trauma: parent or child. You can either offload the stress onto your months-old child by abandoning them to cry it alone, or as a parent you can accept that you are the one with the emotional resources to handle stress, and so support them through it. So again I ask, which approach requires more strength?

judgey, judgey, judgey

CC is NOT about abandoning your child for 1.5 hours. I did CC and found it HARD but it was the best method FOR ME. When I say CC, I went in after 5 mins, then 10, then every 15mins. I was always just outside the door.

I think we should all stop judging. A child is a product of your genes and will respond to your way of managing their behaviour.

Crying it out is when you leave your DC to cry without going back into to comfort them at all -which I don't know how any one could do (well not for 1.5hours!)

CC you DO go back into them.

wow TSD I think that was my first MN applause! Ta me hearty!

i think (but may be wrong) that cc or controlled crying is a programme of leaving a child to cry, with parent returning at pre-decided (by the parent of course) intervals, be that seconds, minutes whatever. cio or crying it out is a programme of the parent leaving a child to cry until they give up.

I find the words controlled and crying to be odd bedfellows. I wonder who is really in control and who is doing the crying.

How can we be positive that the child feels some sort of control in the crying just because mum or dad pops in every 2 or 5 minutes or whatever.

When a child has such limited experience to go on, do they really feel any control over the 2 or 5 minute interlude?

How do parents know that they are giving their child control?

Is the parent really in control? How do they define this thing they are calling control.

no I haven't been eating majic mushrooms tonight but if Desi finds any outside her house, can she give me a bell?

CIO is cry it out which is what your friend is doing .. babies learn to self-settle by nobody responding during certain hours .. the premise is it can take an hour or so first night then less second then they sleep through .. taking up to a week to get to the sleeping through but you leave them alone because you know they're safe

Controlled Crying (CC) on the other hand involves shorter periods of leaving them alone and gentle resettling with no eye contact

sanctimonious judging is irritating from both sides of the fence

guilty as charged, admittedly judgey on this one.
CC with babies is the one thing I just don't comprehend.

I understand leaving the room for 2 minutes to give both parent and baby a chance to breathe through it when it gets too much,but no more.

mrsth i do not think that you and your friend are going to have happy times discussing your respective parenting methods. not judging thank you mrs twiglett. but i can't see it working.

In that case I do CC but not CIO. I don't think anyone is stronger - I think it's down to what works best for you as a family. I have a really full on job and am a single parent. I cannot cope if my DS is waking up all night every night. It makes me into a shit parent and a crap employee and I can afford to be neither. If my DS's sleep patterns are disturbed for some reason (he's been ill or has been teething) he will wake a lot in the night.

If I go in every 5 minutes, he will cry and cry and cry and get increasingly hysterical until I take him into my bed where he will play for about an hour before he falls asleep, exhausted. It makes no difference if I sing or rock him or anything, he will get hysterical the moment I put him back in his cot.

If on the other hand, I go in after 15 mins, reassure and leave, he will go back to sleep and then only cry for a few minutes the following night.

I have learned this through trial and error. It is not about being stronger, it is about doing what works best for you as a family.

Sorry I didn't read that through before posting - very badly written.

I did CC

I couldn't see how on earth I would manage a 12hr nursing shift on 4-5hrs broken sleep (what I was averaging at the time with my 6m old)

Thanks to all who clarified CC and CIO!

Is it not allowed in life to be judgy? Are we not allowed to have strong opinions about anything? Granted I've complained about people plunging the knife in where my approach to sleep is concerned, but there's a significant difference between doing this with sbdy face-to-face, and doing it in the virtual world where it's not as personal.

Come on! we all hold strong opinions, we just like to pretend that we're benign, munificent and 'non-judgmental', but that's BS! To paraphrase SD, we go onto MN because that's where we can vent and be as bolshy as we like!

god yes you're supposed to be judgy .. judgy and bitchy and bolshy as hell

but taking the higher ground whilst judging people as cruel because you're commenting that they're judging you for being weak is just a little ... well ..By The Power of Greyskull

feck it my kids have been sleeping through for years, what am I doing here?

Twiglet - read my last post again! (if you're still here!)

judgy was my CC advocate friend who volunteered to babysit for my dd. Then proceeded to use her experience on my DD without my permission. Dh and I were gone for less than 3 hrs.

When I returned home she began to lecture me about the error of my ways and forecast the damnation of my dd's future if i didn't teach her to self settle.

I never mentioned to her that what she had done to my dd amounted to assault in my own opinion. Still, she was offended by my refusal to take her advice and went very cool on me since then.

oh well. live and learn.

Your welcome MTH - I had to point out the difference as I've had to explain to a lot of people in the last 7 1/2yrs that I did NOT leave my DS1 to cry totally on his own for nearly 2hrs - I went back at regular intervals (could never have just left him).

I suppose I do a sort of CIO with DS3 - who I discovered - through pure accident when trying to settle the other 2 DS's and having to leave him to cry would go off to sleep if I put him down and left him for 10 minutes. He started falling asleep in the carry cot as I was finishing bathing the older 2

Even now (at 14 months) when I'm out and put him down for a nap and he starts crying I say to people "give him 10 minutes" - and sure enough bang on 10 minutes he stops screaming like someone is murdering him (he only does that and babbling - no in between) does a few gurgles and babbles and goes quiet LOL).

yeah twig, why are you still here.

time you parped.

assault?!

Now who's being judgey

Kiskidee - !! I don't know what to say except that I presume you're no longer on speaking terms with this woman.

FAQ, I hardly think 10 minutes counts as CIO, IMO! (any more acronyms at the ready?!)

when someome does something to you that you do not agree or consent to, it is assault. Verbal, physical, emotional.

Right now, I make decisions for what is best for my child. Don't you?

Yes of course I do but I think assault is a bit strong. So maybe you cuddlers/AP people are actually the more feisty ones

Ummm...what's AP?! (thanks for the extra acronym!)

Oh no. I am still on speaking terms with her. she seems to not be on speaking terms with me.

So I find it is much more interesting to be as civil and accommodating to her. Because I know it makes her squirm.

It was one incident, one night, my dd was very anxious and tearful the following day (she was 16 months at the time).

I didn't use it first on this thread MrsTP ! It's attachment parenting