Okay so I'm not at all PFB but do I go too far the other way?

[spicemonster]

I have one DS who is 16 months. He is not yet walking but is a very fast crawler and excellent at negotiating steps (we live in a ground floor flat with a big step down to the kitchen and two up to the front door so I showed him how to go down backwards ages ago).

Yesterday I was at a party and there were four stone steps down to the back door (we were sitting in the garden). Twice people shouted at me because they thought my DS was about to fall down the steps but I said I thought he was fine and indeed he was. My friend whose house it is does not let her DD who is a similar age climb up or down the steps on her own.

Then someone else made a comment about the fact that I was letting him chew on a bottle lid (a plastic one from a 2 litre bottle) and that he might choke but I think they're far too big to choke on.

I also sit him on chairs on his own (he's never fallen off) and let him climb up the 6 steps from our front door to the front path.

But now I've had a couple of comments I'm starting to think I'm just a bit of a bad mother and too lax. Am I? He's never had a fall or any kind of accident and I really don't want to wrap him up in cotton wool but I don't want to put him at risk either.

Ronshaw, I am quite shocked by your post. If your brother's nearly four year old can really 'hardly walk or talk' then I think you need to be a good deal less judgemental about his parenting and ready to listen to his worries in a supportive manner at some point, because it is probably that this child has some special needs and it's NOT YOUR BROTHER'S FAULT!
It is sometimes a problem when when parents let very young babies/toddlers do clearly risky things without supervising them tbh. Yes, it isn't likely they will kill themselves, but you do feel obliged to keep an eye on them if the parents don't, and it is stressful. For example, I think small children should not go on bouncy castles with lollipops in their mouths and I've seen that a lot (and gently removed said children or lollipops)

I'm not a helicopter PFB mum either and taught my DD to climb stairs long before her peers - the looks I got when Dd was happily exercising her skills up the stairs, cruising around whilst their little immobile babes looked on. my 4yo DD is very confident and agile now - loves climbing frames and swings (not too fond of roundabouts, but you'll have that!)

I think saying something like - "Oh do you live on one level, with no steps? No wonder you are looking at me like I'm a bad mum - he's been climbing since he was X months - he has to climb otherwise he'd never get anywhere"!

Sounds like you're doing a great job, being mum and dad to your little boy. people do love to judge, don't they??!

PFB stands for Precious First Born - the alleged cottonwool-ing hovering behaviour anxious mothers of their first borns have!!

Jumping in here... DH is a Ear nose and throat doctor and weekends are spent removing stuff from kids orofices! His rule is...if it can fit inside an old fashioned film canister its too small for a baby or toddler.

that's a good tip

Ta. He can be useful at times!

Wow - I'm amazed that someone on here is quite so blasé as to say she doesn't know where her nearest AnE is!! Get your map out love! Have you got your doctor's number taped up somewhere you can read it quickly - or stored in your phone?

I'm relaxed I suppose cos I did a first aid course, so I know what to do if Dd does get into serious trouble.

A first aid course specifically for kids might be something worth thinking about?

Other than having done that first aid course, and having a large first aid box (scalds, burns, bites, breaks, puncture wounds, temperature and allergic reaction medicines) my Gp and hospital on speed dial, I let my Dd off to climb like a monkey!

That's a good tip hoobyding thanks - shall use that as guideline in future

I do know where my A&E is - we've been there twice (not accident related I hasten to add)

I know there IS an A&E, in the city centre. They are signed, surely in an emergency you'd just follow the signs.

we do have GP's number pinned on the board but have never used that in an emergency. we just don't seem to have emergencies.

I've always been like this with both of mine, allowing them to climb as they please, and 'do' stairs on their own as soon as they are capable (younger than most people realise). I believe that they are actually safer than the 'helicoptor' parented children (who don't learn to take risks)

It does cause problems with other parents in the park who go leaping over to help when they see my two year old shinning up a vertical ladder etc.

I have a sneaking suspicion plantsitter might be my sister. Is that you?

My philosphy is - your parenting, your rules. People always tut whatever you do. Lots of people like tutting.

Tsk

"What does PFB stand for? Sorry being thick today."

You're not being thick - it's one of those irritating mumsnet acronyms. It stands for Precious First Baby.

I think it's fine to do things your way in your house, but in public or someone else's house, you have to allow for other peoples' reactions. They might be worried thinking your child is about to have a nasty accident. And your child may get into trouble in an unfamiliar environment - even if the steps at your house are find, steps elsewhere may be steeper, or have stone flags at the bottom or whatever.

Falling down stairs is one of the chief causes of serious injury or death in toddlers and young children, so I'm a bit paranoid about that. Fine if you aren't, but if I was around your kids and you weren't looking I'd be worried and maybe just need to know you had noticed rather than being oblivious.

That's fair enough edam

I appreciate everyone doesn't feel the same way - these steps were actually a lot less scary that the steps he negotiates every day at home but obviously other people don't know that. I was actually sitting about 2 ft away from the top of the steps so I knew when he was going up and down them.

I'm not remotely critical of my friends' reactions - this thread is more because I was lying awake last night worrying that I was a really crap mother

I think it just takes different parents in different ways, and it depends on how much else you have going on as to whether you can helicopter in any case. When ds was 16mths, I had just had dd, so he had to be independent, and luckily that was his natural inclination. I do get lots of people telling me how laid back I am (little do they know!) but ds was never fearless in his exploring, so I knew, having watched him that he rarely took on things he couldn't manage (ie he loved stairs, but always went backwards). My two are almost 8 and 9 now, and we have had one A&E (non emergency) trip, and maybe visited the doctors once or twice in the last three years. I am sure luck has come into play in that, and I don't think we've done a particularly fab job, but letting children learn their limits is I think a good thing.

Crawling - fine, bottle top - just don't see the point of taking risks like this myself. Fine if you want him to be independent and get around but I would start trying to warn him it is not ok to pick up and chew random things.

Not crap at all you daft mare! Just doing things your way. Which is allowed, you know.

Who you calling a daft mare?

Thank you

As others have said, the stairs is fine - my DD2 is 18 months, and has been going up and down our main stairs since she was about 1 yr, but we insist she bumps down the stairs on her bottom (we have also got dog leg stairs, so max of 6 stairs at a time). I freely let her go up and downstairs at her own free will... so see no problem with that - I'm probably more relaxed than you on that one!

But I wouldn't let my DD put a bottle lid in her mouth, juts in case a bit broke off.

I would also let her sit on a chair. She does that all the time, and knows how to get down responsibly.

I had to get the plastic bottle top out of a friend's 2 yr-old ds a few months ago. He somehow got it into his mouth and it was stuck. I could see mom was a bit panicky so I got it out. But it was pretty scary for everyone and not that easy to do it either.

Ronshar - I thoroughly agree with msdem...you sound like you are being horribly judgemental about your brother's child. If this child really doesn't walk or talk it will be due to special needs and absolutely nothing to do with your brother's parenting. It is not possible to somehow parent a child in a way that stops them walking and talking (well not within the bounds of normal behaviour that wouldn't have social services knocking on your door).

Stop judging your brother's parenting please!

spicemonster, I have no theories any more but just wanted to offer my support to you and tell you I am exactly the same as you seem to be with my dcs!

I suppose I have become more relaxed with each of the the 3 dcs but none of them has ever come to serious harm and people are often commenting on how independent they are. It really bugs me to see parents flapping around their kids.

I remember as a child not being allowed to do anything in case I hurt myself. Even now my parents are shocked that I let my kids walk right next to the canal, exclaiming "But what if they fall in?!" Then we fish them out quickly and next time they will definitely be more careful!

OK I suppose I will be shot down now.

I am not judging my brothers parenting.
His DS does NOT have any specials needs. He is wrapped in cotton wool and is restricted as to what he is allowed to do. He also has a dummy still. And yes I am jugding that as it is stopping his language development. The same for his older sister.
I was using it all as an example as to the different types of parenting. That was all. Soory if you got the wrong impression!

ronshar they must be quite passive then? My dcs have fought me all the way so it didn;t really matter what I tried to stop them doing!

Yes my experience of children is of the strong willed types.
My SIL is very passive and so are the children.
As I tried to say, different parents will result in different children.
They are lovely kids though.