How would you handle a mate not coping with a newborn, if you are (and find it really easy?)

[WhatsupDoc]

Dilemma for you ladies!

My friend and I both have toddlers the same age and have recently both had our second child.

Hers sounds like a nightmare baby. If she's not feeding or sleeping, she's screaming. A really miserable baby! She's really struggling and is totally worn out and fed up.

I on the other hand, seem to have landed the baby from heaven. Through no engineering of my own, I have ended up with a totally chilled and placid newborn, who sleeps alot and gurgles contentedly when awake. I was petrified about coping with 2, but instead feel like I'm walking on air most days because it's SO much easier than I expected (for now at least - I'm not that deluded that I think it'll last forever).

We were sat having coffee today (there's a big group of us, but we're the only ones to have 2 DC) and she's clearly fed up, and asks me how I 'do it' (i.e have a contented and settled baby). Of cousre it's nothing I've done, it's sheer luck. But I don't know what to say to her to make her feel better without sounding completely smug and patronising.

Any ideas?

Myred - i think i would have committed mass murder in those circumstances! I hate the way people comment on baby stuff - like everyone says, it's just luck!

I think you must have been very restrained!

I understand what you're saying myredcardigan, but I think it's very difficult if the OP's friend asks for advice, which she seems to have done. The OP's stuck between a rock and a hard place. Maybe her friend really does want some tips (as well as support and reassurance obviously). We can all learn from each other, surely? And sometimes things do help.

whatsupdoc i am sure you mean to be supportive and are thoughtful of your friend. but your language is dodgy to say the least "miserable baby" "nightmare baby"

how about 'lively' or 'active'? because that may be all it is. how would you feel if i described your "contented" "place" baby as disterested and boring?

Spirited is a fabulous description too

Redcardie - I am certain it ain't my superior parenting skills! Also haven't offered her any advice, or made any comments about how easy mine is. I just try to dismiss it with a "she's pretty placid" comment and try to be a good listner.

What is it about MILs that make us want to kill people? Mine stayed out of my way till i had DC, now she has an opinion on everything. I hate it.

I did nothing different second time around. They are just such different children. Heaven knows what the next one will be like!

You having another? I don't want to ruin perfection after the 2nd {JOKE!)

At least I had it that way around. No opportunity to be smug and to mistake luck for my superior parenting skills!

Red - I'm quitting while I'm ahead!

Early days following 2 MCs,but yes.

Congrats and good luck!

I've had two colicky screamers, and felt very fed up at times with friends who seemed to be having it easier. However, turned out one friend got annoyed herself at me describing her baby as "placid" (a high compliment in my view at the time)- she thought that a bit dull and would rather have had a more spirited one!

So my advice would be to avoid categorising the babies as happy/ miserable, difficlt/ easy etc. Just avoid the natural temptation to label. What was her first child like as a baby? Whatever the answer to that one, try to remind her how much her DC1 has changed, things will not be like this for ever. Also, I really appreciated it when friends offered to come over to my house instead of meet in cafes etc beause they knew I was finding it hard to cope with the noise my babies made in public. I was much more relaxed at home when I could put them to bed when they wanted and the noise did not bother me as much.

Finally why not get her on here, there are lots of people in the same boat who she could vent with!

Sounds like you're doing your best to be sympathetic.

Tell her it's luck, find out when you meet where she'd be more comfortable - out somewhere or at yours for a change of scenery or at home?

Another thing, if there are things that she does with her kids that seem really good and positive then acknowledge that.

Lots of good suggestions there from Pendulum.

My mum always says I was an easy baby, brother was harder, sister wasn't as hard as him but was more difficult than me. Brother might have been an only child!

the thread title is revoltingly smug. "not coping"? i don't see anything about "not coping" in your posts. so because she's got a much harder baby than yours and is finding it much tougher in your view that equates to "not coping"?

i suspect you are censoring yourself in your posts on the thread and the title is much closer to your real view.

The problem (IMO) is that when you have a baby that is harder to manage than others in your social circle, you begin to feel a bit like a victim. This is why the labelling is not helpful ("poor x, she's got a very difficult baby").

It is VERY challenging coping with a demanding second child while trying to manage your relationship with DC1 and keep things normal(ish) for them. I felt as though I couldn't make anyone happy. Your friend must be frazzled. Really, she needs to
chat to people going through the same thing to find reassurance- when you watch other mothers dealing with their "difficult" babies you quickly realise it is nothing that they are doing wrong.

Probably the most helpful thing you can do for her, as suggested by another poster, is take her DC1 out with your two for a coupe of hours and give her a bit of breathing space to reconnect with her baby.

"Well even your posting sounds smug and patronising so I guess you'll find it difficult!"

roflz

My mate had this prob, and I went round for an hour a week and did her ironing.

Also her little one didn't sleep through the night so I had him overnight with me (with EBM) a couple of nights to give her a break. He slept thru' both times

I had the placid baby to friends crying babies and when they complained of the unfairness (not nastily of course) I always used to say I'll probably get a crier next time round. I didnt I got another good baby but theres still time for me to get a crier.

I dont think smug should come into it really as smugness infers you are a bit heartless to other peoples situations but I do think we should be allowed to be a bit thankful in private that we have good babies even if it is not much of our own doing.

I agree a lot of it is down to sheer luck that they landed good temperements.

Firstly, you do sound a bit smug to me. I'm sorry if you don;t mean to be, but you should be aware that you come across in that way to me.
Secondly, instead of wondering how to make your friend feel better, why not just get stuck in with some practical help? I'msure your friend would appreciate that, and perhaps when things aren't quite so 'easy' for you, she might repay the favour!!

Why don't you offer to take her eldest for a bit so although she won't get much of a rest she doesn't have to chase a toddler around for a couple of hours on top of the baby worries. My DS 2 was a nightmare and I was So appreciative when a friend took my DS1 away for a couple of hours.

Sorry, I read it as slightly smug as well.

However, my DS2 was a dream baby. Now at 3.2 years, he is moany, crying at the littlest things and is harder work than my 15 month old DS3. Still, he is very cute. DS1 was my hard work baby so was just relieved when DS2 was not! .

I agree with others, ask her if she may want a break, etc.

Luck of the draw baby, luck of the draw.

Have never felt such pure envy and totally unreasonable almost hatred as I did towards the other mums whose babies were sleeping through when mine was screaming all night. You lose all rationality. I would just say nothing about your situation and concentrate on commiserating with her.