Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Is it the LAW that you have to bring up a second baby differently? My mother seems to think so...

39 replies

TheProvincialLady · 06/07/2008 12:31

When DS was born I got a lot of helpful advice from my mum and extended family about how I should put him down as often as possible so he would get used to it, and how you have to leave babies to cry or they learn that someone will come and they keep doing it Whereas DS was a very clingon baby and I was happy with that. I got a sling and carried him around everywhere, co slept etc. He is now 22m and a happy, confident little soul. My mum now says that this is because of the way DH and I bring him up, which is nice.

Nevertheless, ever since he was about 3 months old (when I was never having any more children, ever, ever again!) she has been going on about how although the attachment parenting type approach is all well and good for a first child, it is just impossible for a second. According to her I will be leaving this one (I am now 16 weeks pg with number two) to cry it out and breast feeding is impossible. I will not have the energy to carry this one around in a sling.

AIBU to think that if I could manage it with DS when I was very, very ill after the birth for some months, then I could manage it with a second baby? Am I just being unrealistic? I think that sticking the new baby in a sling and getting on with things is the ideal solution - then I can meet the needs of DS and the new baby at the same time. I am sure there will be times when one or the other of them will have to wait a while before I can see to them, but it seems daft to me not to try and do it in the easiest way for everyone.

Sorry, this has turned into a rant but it is really starting to get on my nerves. I felt so volunerable last time thinking I was doing the wrong thing by being unable to put him down without a lot of crying from both of us, and I don't want to feel the same way again.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Elibean · 06/07/2008 12:35

Of course not!

Maybe the issue isn't so much what you do with your baby, though, and more about (inwardly at least) telling your mother and her opinions to go away

Then yo'ud be free to attachment parent or not as you saw fit at the time, IYSWIM.

NoBiggyFinish · 06/07/2008 12:39

Of course you can breastfeed. Many of us do. What did she think people did before formula? Just have the one?

I never got on with slings - mine screamed as if they were being murdered if I tried to put them in one, but I don't see why it wouldn't work - you're an experienced sling user after all. And if you can't work it, well, you'll do something else.

You are correct, there are times when one or other will have to wait, so you seem to have a realistic idea of what it will be like. Whereas your mother...she does realise it's a second baby you're preparing for and not an ascent of Everest?

SenoraPostrophe · 06/07/2008 12:40

it's true that subsequent children usually get less attention than first babies.

obviously it's not the law, and it is possible to breastfeed, but she is partly right. you could just tell her that you'll see how it goes when he's born though.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Original poster
TheProvincialLady · 06/07/2008 12:43

It is odd because she BF me to 12 months which was quite unusual in the 70s I think, but stopped feeding my younger brother at 3m as she found it was too hard with two. Perhaps I should ask her what she means by that? I suppose part of me worries more because I couldn't BF my DS so I had to express for him instead - obviously I couldn't do that with this baby if BF does not work out but I will be a newbie at it, rather than experienced as she was when my brother came along.

I think she feels a bit guilty for the way she brought up her own children and so she justifies it by saying it is what you have to do and there is no choice. Elibean part of my difficulty is that she did make so many crap decisions that when I tell her I disagree with her it feeds into that guilt and I don't want her to feel bad. Does that make sense?

OP posts:
merryandmad · 06/07/2008 12:46

I have a 22 month gap between my two dd's and their routine was our routine- in fact I think getting on with things as best as you can is the only sensible thing with two dc's.

Dd2 was in the sling as i pushed dd1 in the swing in the garden- I bf dd2 whilst reading to dd1 etc- life is complicated enough without stressing too much about.
Neither was old enough to "cry it out" and neither wanted my attention unneccesarily.

Obviously you know that there will be times when one will have to wait- but they are still only little. We have established our own routine now

Sorry if this is a bit rambled x

smallwhitecat · 06/07/2008 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SachaF · 06/07/2008 13:08

I'm having my 2nd in September and I'm planning on doing MORE sling wearing and co-sleeping than I did with the first as I believe it will make life easier for me - If I put no2 down I think no1 will keep accidently causing it harm! (He does so love to hug babies...). Also I remember someone ele pointing out that if you breastfeed you still have a hand free for dc1 whereas if you bottlefeed you need both hands, and you can walk around and breastfeed quite easily (if you feel up to it!)

Tommy · 06/07/2008 13:40

I think a lot of second babies are brought up dfferently but it doesn't have to be that way. I was so much more confident with DS2 that I was able to breastfed for much longer than I had with DS1 and he slept with me a lot as I was too tired to be sitting up with him and trying controlled crying or whatever I tried with DS1!

By the time DS3 came along it was dfferent again as I had to carry him around in a sling as DSs 1 and 2 had to continue with their daily routine - school etc.

I think your Mum might be trying to prepare you for something that she thinks will be worse than you do!

Smile, grit your teeth - and ignore her

Elibean · 06/07/2008 13:46

It does make sense, and maybe thats why telling her advice to go away inwardly - rather than out loud - is the way to go.

I lost count of the number of people who told me things about babies and bringing them up, first and second time - and nearly ALL of it was to do with their experiences, and traumas, and nothing to do with me or mine

I would nod sympathetically, when your Mum starts talking about it all, and just say 'I know, you had a hard time with xxx. Shall we make some tea/look what LO is doing/oops I spilt some coffee'. Or somesuch.

And FWIW, I had to express a lot with both my babies - for different reasons - and somehow managed it. dd2 was v ill at 4 weeks, and on a drip for a week, so after that it was part BF and part EBM until she was 8 months old. It was hard work, but I did the expressing during naps/when dh or someone else was there to watch dd1 and I also plugged my pump in by the computer, so won many minutes of pumping online on MN as a bonus

Original poster
TheProvincialLady · 06/07/2008 14:20

Oh no don't say that! I have been saying that there is no way I could express for another baby like I did for DS (exclusively for 18m) and if this one won't BF then he/she will have to be FF. And now here you are, putting me to shame

I will definitely practise the sympathetic nod and I can certainly agree that she had it harder than I do, as my dad was a hopeless numpty who never helped whereas my DH is a star.

Thanks everyone, it's good to know that slings and BF are not impossible.

OP posts:
Elibean · 06/07/2008 14:44

Sorry, meant to encourage certainly not shame

I only expressed part of the time, BF some of it, and formula top-ups from a few months old - and stopped altogether at 8 months, so not as impressive as 18 mos exclusive. How on earth did you keep that up?!

hunkermunker · 06/07/2008 14:46

Course you can breastfeed.

And a sling is sensible with a second baby as it leaves your hands free for the first.

hunkermunker · 06/07/2008 14:48

In fact, I did considerably more sling-wearing and co-sleeping with DS2 because he was a different sort of baby from DS1, who preferred his own cot and hated being in a sling.

Original poster
TheProvincialLady · 06/07/2008 15:51

Do you know, I have NO idea now! It was bloody hard work, especially for the first 8 months or so, and it only now that I have stopped that I can see what a nightmare it was. But I so wanted to BF and when it didn't work out I was determined that DS was going to get the milk at least. And then he turned out to be dairy intolerent so I felt I couldn't stop until he outgrew it, or by age 2, but my pump broke (the 3rd one!) and I thought enough was enough. Why can't I put that level of commitment into other parts of my life?

Hunker would you have any advice for someone who failed spectacularly to BF first time round (DS would only latch on a handful of times in the 4 months I tried - due to rough MW handling I think)?

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 06/07/2008 16:15

Talk to someone before you have your baby - get your support in place before you're dealing with sleeplessness, recovery from labour, etc.

And post here a lot

ilovemydog · 06/07/2008 16:22

Breast feeding is certainly more challenging with a 2nd (depending on age) as you need to keep an eye on them whilst immobile. Gap of 21 months between DD and DS

DS2 sleeps with us. DD does sometimes.

I use a sling with DS. He needs to be around mom at the moment. Totally normal as he's only 4 months.

littlepinkpixie · 06/07/2008 16:27

I managed to BF all 3 of mine, with just over 4 years between the oldest and the youngest. no-one was left to cry either (except me sometimes! ). They were all cling-on babies too, would have loved to have been able to put them down, but I thought it was just easier to carry them about if that was what they wanted.

You probably will choose to do some things differently the second time round, but that doesnt mean that you CANT do what you want.

PortAndLemon · 06/07/2008 17:21

You don't need to let DC2 cry it out, breast feeding is perfectly possible (although to be fair I have found that many of my friends who exclusively breastfed their DC1 have mixed fed their DC2) and if DC2 takes to a sling you'll have plenty of energy to carry him/her around.

It probably will be different in that there will times you have to "ignore" (or semi-ignore) one DC in order to deal with the other, though. And, of course, the baby will be different so some things that work with DC1 won't work with DC2 but you work that out as you go along.

IdrisTheDragon · 06/07/2008 17:29

I have a gap of 22 months between DS and DD and breastfed DD with no problems. There were occasions when one or other of them didn't have their needs satisfied immediately, but this hasn't done them any harm. I didn't ever leave either of them to cry it out either.

lilyfire · 06/07/2008 17:58

I just got more attachmenty with 2nd and then 3rd, really for practical reasons. So much easier to have littlest in sling so can run round after bigger ones. No time for expressing and bottles, sterilising etc - much easier to breastfeed exclusively, even if its as you sit in the park, baby in sling and elder ones on climbing frame. Am still breastfeeding no 2, age nearly 2 and no. 3, age 4 months - seems to help limit jealousy. Often co-sleep with all 3. No so much ideologically-led, just easiest way for us all to get some sleep. Really hard to have routine for the baby, when older one has play dates etc. Mind you, I was convinced would never cope having 2, let alone 3, but most days it's really fun. Think v normal to worry about coping

ilovemydog · 06/07/2008 22:02

Think the only difference between DD and DS is that I used to be able to have a nap when DD had hers.

But there are moms (magicians?) who are able to get both down for naps/sleep at the same time.

I've never been able to coordinate it as it seems that DS (4 months) likes to feed continuously when DD (23 months) has her nap.

But the breastfeeding itself isn't a problem.

morocco · 06/07/2008 22:09

tbh, I was more expecting this thread to be about the impossibility of sticking to certain routines by she who shall not be named once baby no 2 comes along.
but attachment parenting/slings/bf are all much easier with baby no 2 than baby no 1 imho. slings esp are fab, baby thinks its getting quality mummy time when actually being completely ignored

my mum was same with dire predictions of leaving second baby in cot whole time. apparently my brother was like that, never wanted to be cuddled etc. course it now turns out he has aspergers so perhaps not best example of nt baby behaviour

Original poster
TheProvincialLady · 07/07/2008 12:13

That's interesting morocco. My mum says my brother spent his whole life asleep in his cot. He still loves his sleep now (understatement) whereas I was apparently a dreadful sleeper and still am now. Babies are all different I guess and your/my brother are very extreme examples of baby behaviour.

OP posts:
Tortington · 07/07/2008 12:15

if it makes you happy then fuck everyone else.

its just like mumsnet if you think about it - your parenting choices say " this is the best way" and alpha females like your MIL will take this as "your way was wrong"

tbh, they will just have to get over it.

glad your mum is a source of support

Original poster
TheProvincialLady · 07/07/2008 12:21

Oh don't worry I plan to do everything just the way that suits me! I did last time after the first three weeks, when I realised that trying to do what my mum wanted me to do was distressing both me and DS.

I suppose I was hoping to hear that others have done the whole AP/BF/sling thing with a second baby so it's not impossible - so that I stand every chance of doing it too as I think and I don't have to hear the big I TOLD YOU SO

OP posts: