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Original poster

PND - What was it like for you?

39 replies

VictorianSqualor · 02/07/2008 18:11

I suffered severe PND with DD and ended up very ill so have been very aware of how I feel after the births of my two sons.
With DS1 I was fine but DS2 is now 12 weeks and I'm feeling quite anxious about him dying, or one of my other DC's (just not as severe with them being so much older).
The last few days I've felt really down but not been able to put my finger on why.
Thing is this is totally different to the way I was with DD so I just wondered if anyone else felt this way?

OP posts:
Martha200 · 02/07/2008 18:18

Yes.. different both times, ds1 was serious PND, it was awful, more of a real deep depression, low feelings, needed medication, ds2 didn't require medication but my anxiety levels were sky high. Things improved a bit by making sure I really looked after myself and took time to think about what I was anxious about.

Not really an answer for you, but like you was very aware/alert for any feelings and surprised me how different I felt.

scorpio1 · 02/07/2008 18:19

mine was my dark cloud, it followed me everywhere.

have posted on other thread btw.

Original poster
VictorianSqualor · 02/07/2008 18:47

I saw thanks

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EyeballsintheSky · 02/07/2008 19:07

I cried all the time. I resented my baby, was terrified of her wanting anything, hated being alone and would have given anything for it all to disappear.

When she was 11 weeks I started a thread on here and was told to see gp. I made an appointment, showed her the thread and she sorted me out straight away. Am on medication now and feel human again as well as being totally besotted with dd.

OracleInaCoracle · 02/07/2008 19:10

i used to fantasise about dying. i would be walking down the road and visualise a lorry crashing into me. i was obsessed with death and felt like i was sinking

Original poster
VictorianSqualor · 02/07/2008 19:12

See, Eyeballs I was more like that with DD but this time round it's more that I'm not talkative and am really worried, not about normal things but I see almost Final Destination like snapshots of the kids dying and panic.

OP posts:
scorpio1 · 02/07/2008 19:20

VS - i even knew what i would use as ds2 funeral music when i was ill.

lackaDAISYcal · 02/07/2008 19:31

VS, I read an article recently about post-natal OCD which is typically manifested in women thinking that something awful is going to happen to their children. the article said that although it's natural to have some thoughts like this, it's a natural protective mechanism, but if it gets out of hand it really can become as obsession.

Have you spoken to your HV or GP about how you feel?

For me with DS it was like I was wading through treacle and just going through the motions. The world saw this PFB who was immaculately dressed with never even a dribbly nose or milk stained bib (even though he was a projectile vomiter and was changed about 6 times a day), and I made a huge effort for myself, but my house was a wreck with three week old dirty dishes lying around and rotting food on worktops.

With DD it was a less extreme version of that; I'm more relaxed about dirty clothing etc but definately more anxious about everything else, including her health and whether she is OK. Some days I could hardly bring myself to check on her (especially if she slept for longer than usual) as i was so convinced that something awful had happened in the night; either she had died or been abducted. It took a huge battle of wills for me to talk rationally to myself, calm down and open the bedroom door.

Now I'm pregnant again, the wading through treacle and not giving a flying fig about the house is back .

Original poster
VictorianSqualor · 02/07/2008 19:36

That sounds like a possibility Daisy, I had said things on a thread a week or so ago about how I have silly rituals to stop the kids getting hrut, like how I check them before bed, and how the door is locked etc, someone on there picked up anxiety ishoos straight away.

OP posts:
hairtwiddler · 02/07/2008 19:37

My PND after DD was one of the darkest periods of my life. An awful spell of anxiety, low mood, constant crying, and catastrophising every situation - I would imagine tripping over and accidentally standing on DD, or suddenly losing my sanity and doing something awful to her.
I had OCD type behaviours - e.g. when DH gave her a night-time bottle, I had to lay out clothes and nappy and wipes at precise angles on the bed.
I felt every decision was huge, and would obsess and stress out about breastfeeding for every hour of every day.
I had panic attacks, and couldn't leave the house without my heart racing and feeling out of control.
I also saw everything out of proportion. I found a strange mole, and within a few hours had planned her whole life without me.
Writing it all down is strange - can't believe that was really me!

lackaDAISYcal · 02/07/2008 20:08

Are things OK now hairtwiddler?

VS have you seen anyone about this? or spoken to your DH?

I have huge anxiety attacks regards getting out of the house, so make excuses to myself not to; DD is a bit under the weather, the house needs tidying (then I ignore the housework and MN), I don't feel great....the list is endless really. when DH is home at weekends and we have to go out, I get in such a flap about it.

things here also seem like an effort and decision making is bloody hard work. I used to be an independant career woman with my own house and a really efficient, organised life. Now my house is in disarray, I can't decide which bleeding cereal to buy at the supermarket, the thought of going back to work brings me out in a cold sweat and I defer all important decisions to DH. I used to be such a control freak as well, and I think that is part of my problem....I've lost all that control and don't know how to get it back. Some of it I'm letting go and seeing it isn't important (like the ironing or the fact that my knickers aren't folded before going in the drawer), but the state of the house worries me constantly, but I feel powerless to do anything about it.

sorry for waffling on

justageek · 02/07/2008 20:10

www.youtube.com/watch?v=vH9DvHnh5NY

thats my montage. thats how pnd was for me.

LilRedWG · 02/07/2008 20:14

VS - visit your GP or HV and have a chat. I have PND and to the outside world appear normal, happy and content. I think the best way to describe my feeling is as numb. I try to get out of going out, hate going to social functions (but usually enjoy them when I'm there) and flip from happy to mega-depressed in seconds.

When I had PND before (after a MC) I was similar but also very tearful. This time, I rarely cry, I just feel numb all the time which is worse in some ways.

scorpio1 · 02/07/2008 20:15

that made me cry.

keevamum · 02/07/2008 20:16

OH my god, That was exactly how I felt too justageek.

bristols · 02/07/2008 20:17

lacka - have you spoken to anyone about this?

I am currently on ADs for PND. I cried constantly after the birth of DS2. I felt as though both my boys would be better off without me and although I never felt suicidal, I spent a lot of time planning my leaving them. I also had it all worked out as to where I could leave them so that they would be safe but that no one would be able to trace me. (They're 22m and 19w so wouldn't be able to tell anyone themselves!)

Looking back I almost feel ashamed for those thoughts but I do know that they were beyond my control.

I also let the house go to ruin as I had no energy to do anything yet the sight of it also got me down. I employed a cleaner. She just comes once a week to do the floors and the bathroom and toilet. I can keep up with everything else and would definitely recommend it. Someone here suggested it and I am so grateful that they did.

hairtwiddler · 02/07/2008 20:19

Things are grand now thanks. It took about 9months before I could say I felt 90% better. Recovered with the help of CBT, prozac, and my fantastic DH. Seems like a dream now. I've been back at work for over a year and juggle life and a toddler pretty well. The only dark moments I have are when thinking about TTC again. But these fears are thankfully becoming less threatening, and I hope to TTC maybe early next year (DD will be 3).
For people suffering now, it WILL get better. You need to find help and let them help. I was lucky in that I had a fantastic GP who referred me to a peri-natal team and got me a CPN.

LilRedWG · 02/07/2008 20:20

Justageek - that made me cry too. Your daughter is beautiful, as are you. I am blessed in that DD is the thing that has kept me going, she is the only reason I get out of bed some mornings. Without that, I really don't know if I would have survived.

Thank you for sharing. x

Pollyanna · 02/07/2008 20:21

VS my ds2 is also 12 weeks and I feel similar to you. I have been on a complete high for since he was born, but at the weekend crashed to a massive low. I also keep worrying that he is about to die, and also have started having panics about my mortality (am not worrying about my other dcs though). I also feel incredibly tired even though ds2 sleeps really well. I haven't experienced any ocd type symptoms though.

I don't know if this is pnd - i was kind of assuming that it was hormonal, as I thought the high that I've been feeling was also hormonal.

Booboobedoo · 02/07/2008 20:27

Ditto the terrible fear that DS was going to die.

For me, the really defining factor was that one teeny thing gong wrong - spilling a drink, DS weeing with his nappy off - would absolutely destroy my whole day. I would sit crying and crying and crying, thinking what a failure I was, and how my precious DS deserved so much better than me.

Felt really recovered once he was about 13 months, I'd say, but was functioning ok from about January (when DS was 10 months).

It is just utterly, utterly shit, isn't it?

lackaDAISYcal · 02/07/2008 20:29

britols i am under the care of the local neonatal mother and baby unit who are keeping an eye on things and making sure I have support mechanisms in place. My GP is bloody fab and has signed me off work till my next maternity leave starts in august. Leeds is a good place to be mentally ill

LilRedWG · 02/07/2008 20:30

As is Worcestershire. Great understanding and care from the majority of medical professionals.

justageek · 02/07/2008 20:33

i was and still am not very good at speaking about my PND, that montage says it all for me, right down to the words of the song. I hope that helps VS

lackaDAISYcal · 02/07/2008 20:39

justageek, that is such a moving film. Your DD is gorgeous

Strangely enough I never had any problems bonding with DS, he was my whole world (his dad and I were estranged at the time) and I was doing it all on my own. People had told me all through my pregnancy that it would be hard on my own so I was determined not to let them see I wasn't coping as I felt I would be seen to be a failure.

It was only when I sold my flat and moved in with my mum and dad and it was patently obvious that I wasn't coping that I had a nervous breakdown. god, it's bringing it all back

Have been in a bit of a fug for the last couple of days due to missing my meds over the weekend (I forgot to take them away with me on a long weekend)

would love a cleaner, but the finances just aren't stacking up at the minute.

RedFraggle · 02/07/2008 20:39

Is it possible to get PND a year after the birth? (Sorry to hijack) I've been very miserable lately and I have had the death paranoia ever since DS was born, although mainly focused on my dd strangely. I feel very disassociated from them both and totally lose the plot if they are crying.

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