At Breaking Point with Constant Sibling Fighting – Has Anyone Been Through This?

[TheSinglesCollection]

I'm beginning to really despair and am hoping someone might be able to offer some helpful advice, or even just reassure me that I'm not alone in this.

I have two children, DD11 and DS8, and they genuinely seem to despise each other. They never have a nice word to say to one another and the constant bickering, arguing and fighting is relentless.

My daughter is definitely worse. She looks at her brother as though he's something she's scraped off the bottom of her shoe. My son does occasionally try to be nice to her, but when it's constantly thrown back in his face, he understandably gets fed up and resorts to deliberately winding her up and calling her names.

I feel like I've tried absolutely everything. I appreciate that DD is approaching her teenage years and hormones are probably playing a part, so I do try to make allowances for that, but I've honestly reached the end of my tether.

Last week, I took them away to visit my dad and his family. It involved a four-hour flight, and my husband wasn't able to come, so I was parenting solo for the entire trip. What should have been a lovely week making memories with family was completely overshadowed by their constant arguing and nastiness towards each other. Even being around Grandpa didn't make a difference. If anything, they were worse, perhaps because my husband wasn't there to back me up.

Yesterday was my son's birthday, and I think that was the final straw for me. I asked DD to do just one simple thing and wish her brother a happy birthday in the morning, but she flatly refused.

We had planned a lovely afternoon doing an activity he'd chosen, followed by lunch somewhere of his choice. Unfortunately, their behaviour was so unbearable that we ended up coming home without going for lunch. I then spent the rest of the day in tears, feeling absolutely awful that his birthday had been ruined.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel completely defeated. I've got to the point where I genuinely dread going home in the evenings and dread the weekends because I know exactly what awaits me. Constant arguments, shouting, fighting and an atmosphere that makes being at home miserable for everyone.

I know siblings argue, and I never expected them to be best friends, but surely this level of hostility towards each other isn't normal?

I don't expect them to adore one another. I just want them to be able to coexist, show each other a basic level of kindness and respect, and for our home to feel like a happy place again.

Has anyone been through something similar and come out the other side? Is there anything that genuinely worked for you? Because right now, I feel completely broken by it all.

I think this can often happen when the older one, especially a girl, leaps on in terms of being in teen years, aged 10/11, and doesn't want to hang out with 'baby' siblings and becomes dismissive and stroppy. Mine was like this and her younger sister was devastated. It all worked itself out within a couple of years, but for that year or so, my eldest did not like her sister and made no effort to hide it. My boundaries were that it's fine not to want to spend time together or play like you used to, but that you can't be actively mean or rude to the sibling all the time, no rolling eyes when they speak or making fun or hurting them because that's bullying of the older one to the younger one. Better they go off by themselves and don't join in than make it unpleasant for everyone. The younger one has a right to exist without the older one putting them down or being mean. I did have to bring my eldest up on this a couple of times, but I couldn't make her like her sister during that phase!

I found this book to be really helpful - https://amzn.eu/d/03DHrIi4 it’s an easy read with some very good guidance on how to manage sibling relationships and theoretical explanations as to why they can be difficult. I do think knowledge is power. I have DDs with an eighteen month age difference and very different personalities. I’ve attended two parenting courses … because I do not have all the answers and I needed to learn. Once I felt more understanding in my role, things calmed down between my DDs.

Your DD not even wishing her DB a happy birthday and ruining his birthday would have consequences, is she jealous of him, just wanted to be an only child, what's her problem?

I would try to take them out separately whenever possible and would do something nice with your DS alone to make up for his ruined birthday.

50/50 coaching.

But DH is taking son to watch football alone. DD gets invited, bit from OP description it's as a "you can come with us if you want" as a tag along, rather than something Dad is doing with his daughter.

So it's clear that the dad is spending more time with ds than DD. And she really really needs her dad to spend 1-to-1 time with just her.

She probably is jealous, he gets more attention, less blame etc.