At Breaking Point with Constant Sibling Fighting – Has Anyone Been Through This?

[TheSinglesCollection]

I'm beginning to really despair and am hoping someone might be able to offer some helpful advice, or even just reassure me that I'm not alone in this.

I have two children, DD11 and DS8, and they genuinely seem to despise each other. They never have a nice word to say to one another and the constant bickering, arguing and fighting is relentless.

My daughter is definitely worse. She looks at her brother as though he's something she's scraped off the bottom of her shoe. My son does occasionally try to be nice to her, but when it's constantly thrown back in his face, he understandably gets fed up and resorts to deliberately winding her up and calling her names.

I feel like I've tried absolutely everything. I appreciate that DD is approaching her teenage years and hormones are probably playing a part, so I do try to make allowances for that, but I've honestly reached the end of my tether.

Last week, I took them away to visit my dad and his family. It involved a four-hour flight, and my husband wasn't able to come, so I was parenting solo for the entire trip. What should have been a lovely week making memories with family was completely overshadowed by their constant arguing and nastiness towards each other. Even being around Grandpa didn't make a difference. If anything, they were worse, perhaps because my husband wasn't there to back me up.

Yesterday was my son's birthday, and I think that was the final straw for me. I asked DD to do just one simple thing and wish her brother a happy birthday in the morning, but she flatly refused.

We had planned a lovely afternoon doing an activity he'd chosen, followed by lunch somewhere of his choice. Unfortunately, their behaviour was so unbearable that we ended up coming home without going for lunch. I then spent the rest of the day in tears, feeling absolutely awful that his birthday had been ruined.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel completely defeated. I've got to the point where I genuinely dread going home in the evenings and dread the weekends because I know exactly what awaits me. Constant arguments, shouting, fighting and an atmosphere that makes being at home miserable for everyone.

I know siblings argue, and I never expected them to be best friends, but surely this level of hostility towards each other isn't normal?

I don't expect them to adore one another. I just want them to be able to coexist, show each other a basic level of kindness and respect, and for our home to feel like a happy place again.

Has anyone been through something similar and come out the other side? Is there anything that genuinely worked for you? Because right now, I feel completely broken by it all.

I understand what you're saying, and I am going to explore all of these things. However, I don't think it's fair to place the blame entirely on DD. I certainly didn't want to spend all my time with family at her age, and she has the added distraction of having a phone, meaning she can be in constant contact with her friends whenever she wants.

DH and I both work full time, and with football taking up Saturday and Sunday mornings, the suggestion that we spend our remaining free time taking each child out separately just isn't particularly realistic. If we do that, when are we ever supposed to spend time together as a family, let alone as a couple? It's difficult to work on our marriage if we barely get to spend any time together.

I'm going to sit down with DD this afternoon and have a proper conversation with her. I want to try to understand whether there's something deeper behind her behaviour, but also make it clear that there need to be some boundaries and a basic level of respect within the family.

Well, you aren't exactly spending special lovely memory making time together right now...

Why does DH have to do the football both days? Can't he do Saturday and you do Sunday?

Then the kids get time with each parent alone.
Eg

Saturday: Dad and Son, Mum and Daughter
Sunday: Dad and daughter, mum and son

Each afternoon is then spent as family time?

He is involved in coaching both their teams and I know nothing about football so not an option! We all go to all the games (well DD sometimes stays at home when DS is playing but otherwise we all go).

So find a way for DH to spend time with his fucking daughter.

Even if that means he has to do it on Saturday afternoon.

DS is coming across as very much the favoured child from your posts.

And so what if you know nothing about football? You can still take him to what to match. Was your husband spent time with his daughter.

I think you're misunderstanding me, I cannot coach their football games.

You need to separate them more. When they are together the sole focus is on being able to interact positively. So no games, nothing remotely competitive.

I think you’re getting a bit of a hard time here, and I’m sorry I think I might have contributed to that.
I think sometimes these things creep up on you & it feels as if you’re suddenly trapped in an impossible and miserable situation that you can’t find your way out of.
it might be worth modelling and setting up some easy interactions with both kids - what if DD did some baking & the interaction is she offers DS a cake as he comes in & he’s accepts it & says thanks & they each go their way. Don’t aim too high! And she’s not allowed to to laugh and tell him it’s a trick cake and made of sprouts!
try to have a bit of fun with them? Some terrible jokes? It takes some effort but you also have to do a bit of modelling what you want.

Turn it on it's head, instead of expecting kindness and respect tell them that while you all have to be together, there will be no unkindness or disrespect. Set the boundary that during family time such as mealtimes, then if they don't have anything pleasant to say then they don't say anything at all to each other. Outside of these times they need to keep out of each others way, and any infringement of these rules needs to have a definite consequence. Similarly on family outings lay down the expected behaviour, and double down on consequences if they misbehave. Hopefully this is just a phase, but you need to take control until it passes

Could it be that she is having to make a real effort to maintain this persona of 'lovliness' that when she gets home she lets out all of stresses on her brother?

Regardless of who does what.

Your DH still needs to make time for his daughter. A lame half invite to that football with DS is not enough.

Regardless of who does what.

Your DH still needs to make time for his daughter. A lame half invite to that football with DS is not enough.

Regardless of who does what.

Your DH still needs to make time for his daughter. A lame half invite to that football with DS is not enough.

At age 11, she is old enough to know it's very wrong to use someone as an emotional punchbag. Bullies are always sad or not coping with something, it doesn't mean the behaviour is ok

Regardless of who does what.

Your DH still needs to make time for his daughter. A lame half invite to that football with DS is not enough.

Regardless of who does what.

Your DH still needs to make time for his daughter. A lame half invite to that football with DS is not enough.

“things have definitely got worse as DD has got older”

thanks have also got worse since your DS has gotten older though. It’s pretty obvious from your posts that you and DH favour your son. No surprise where her anger is coming from.

Everyone seems to be missing that DH is coaching both the son AND daughter’s football games! ie 50:50!

I can offer no advice OP except my memory of teenage years with my best friend who hated her younger brother with the same age gap.

My friend came from a loving family and there were no issues around unfair treatment, her brother was just painfully dorky and not fun or funny!

Her meanness to her brother was centered around her abject horror that she was related to such a person. By being mean to him I guess she was rejecting her fear that their being related meant she was like him underneath at all. He was obnoxious back but definitely as a defence mechanism. They get along fine as adults now.

It’s all rather sad. We put so much into our children with this idea of family and then it seems so common for siblings to be indifferent to each other at best.

I wish I knew the secret to strong sibling bonds!

I would say keep them apart. I know it's difficult. The first nasty comment means the perpetrator goes to their room for half an hour and only comes down when they are prepared to be kind. Any repetition - back they go.

I absolutely do not favour my son. I know he is a trouble maker and he gets told off just as much as she does. But he does have more empathy than she does. He would absolutely have wished her a happy birthday. He would probably have even chosen her a present as well. He will often wish her luck in her football match or commend her after but she will just throw it back in his face. She offers no such kindness when it’s the other way round.

I have tried to speak to her this evening and find out why she seems so unhappy when she’s at home but she insists there is nothing wrong.

I agree with PP that I just need to keep them apart as much as possible and when they are forced to be together to reinforce that there is zero tolerance for unkindness. I would rather silence than arguing.

I was DD in this type of scenario. Parents had financial, family, health, work and relationship difficulties for a long time, which we witnessed, and DC were alone together a lot. Personality differences played a part. One DC was particularly unhappy in the home situation and took it out on siblings.

IME family outings, trips and ‘nice things’ expose problems rather than helps. Doing things separately could be better.

Agree with PPs that it’s poor that DH does nothing with DD alone, and that all the football could be an issue. If DH works full time, does a fair share of parenting and domestics, coaches two DCs’ teams AND attends matches with DS, there is little time left.

@Attenboroughsmistress It’s not 50/50, in addition DS gets weekly football match with his father and seemingly likes football more than DD. M

YABU, OP, to encourage siblings who don’t get on to watch each other’s sports matches, except very occasionally.

Please will you quote whoever you're replying to.

You need to tell her yes, there is something wrong. The way she behaves towards her brother is wrong and it has to change.

Tell her she needs to think really hard about why she’s so mean to him. Maybe she could write you a letter explaining it if she can’t tell you.

OP you said your son is football mad but not whether your daughter actually enjoys it or not. I wonder if she feels like she’s an add-on to what DH and DS want to do at the weekends. It sounds like football takes up most of the weekend and it’s more something your son is interested in. Often you hear that bullies are unhappy, why might your daughter be unhappy?

Like others I get the impression you favour DS. It feels like you have decided this is a problem caused by your DD rather than considering the impact your parenting and choices might be having.