This is truely the hardest time...(v long sorry)

[justageek]

motherhood for me has not come easy at all (if it came easy for you, whats your secret?!) but there were lots of factors why really. Firstly i had a difficult childhood myself with my mother leaving when i was 2, and some childhood abuse from a cousin, then my mother returning when i was 12ish and a difficult relationship being forged.

Not her fault, or mine really, but it left me pretty wary of having children, especially as her own mum, my granny had accidently killed herself with an overdose of the barbituates she was on for PND. She wasnt a good mother apparently, having walked on my mother and breaking her arm at the age of 2.

There were stories of my own mother being neglectful, but i have no idea if they are true, i was very young.

Anyways, a bit of background and explains why i was terrified of ever having kids. I was also particularly terrified of having girl kids, because of the abuse i suffered i saw girls as vunerable, and also the rejection i had had from important women in my life growing up, made it hard for me to bond with women.

So at 19 i found out i was expecting my first after being with my parter a total of 8 weeks and having a rather bad drink problem. I had been taking the pill but drunk so much that most nights i was vomiting or had the runs etc so i guess thats why i fell. I was pretty horrified and wanted an abortion, but my partner as 30 and ready for children. He convinced me it would be okay and so i went along with it, terribly hoping that nature might take its course, so the decision would be out of my hands. I stopped drinking that week though, and smoking.

I was numb to my baby as i went through my pregnancy, long ago deciding i was having her for my partner, not for me. I also tried to convince myself she would be a boy, but when i gave birth that wasnt the case. I found labour very traumatic too, probably because i didnt want to be in labour anyways, or looked forward to meeting my baby. When they finally placed her on mytum, there was no rush of love she was a girl and she looked nothing like me, she had red hair, like my mum.

I developed PND pretty quickly and began to hate my own child, my partner doted on her and took to parenting like a duck to water, i however went to pieces, she cried all the time literally, night and day. At 3 months she was diagnosed as having silent reflux, medicated and things slowly began to improve. When she was 7 months, i found out i was pregnant again. I had naively thought because i was bf and hadnt had periods yet, i couldnt get pregnant.

There was 14 months between my Dc's. My second was also a DD and this time i did bond with her, straight away. We had a very close, loving mum/daughter relationship. So much so that i decided i would like to actually try for another baby, because i found motherhood then so fulfilling. I am now 25 weeks with my third, a baby boy and very happily so..

Or so i thought. My children are now 3.3 months and 2 years almost exactly. And they are SOOOO hard work. I still have a lot of issues with my first born a lot of guilt, a different bond as such, though i do love her very much. I just dont know if it will ever feel natural with her. This makes me more impatient and less understanding with her, something i have been trying to work on.

Her younger sister has hit the terrible twos and most days seems to be a circle of shouting, crying, tantrums, hitting and all sorts.

I just wanted to know when mother hood becomes more rewarding, when does it stop being a constant battle of wills. When can i start to enjoy my children? Because just now, i dread getting out of bed some mornings, at the thought of whats to come in the day. I dont ever get a break from them, there is no nursery, only playgroups, and i feel like i never get the chance to appreciate what i have. What i wouldnt give to be my kids auntie instead of their mum.

Sorry its so long, i tried to keep it short and it is shorter that what it might have been.

Justageek - what are your life circumstances? How much money do you have? Do you have a nice house with modern appliances to help you (dishwasher, tumbledryer) and do you get out to M&T groups etc? Do you have supportive family on your partner's side?

Having two children of 3 and 2, and pregnant, would be a nightmare for 95% of us. It is bloody hard work - there's no getting out of it. And while I've always loved my children, I've enjoyed them so much more once they get out of the toddler/baby stage; I think some of us are just better parents of older kids than we are of babies. So don't be hard on yourself - you're managing to get through the days despite feeling like this and that in itself is an achievement.

Two things you have to do:

1. Get a break. You need it, it will do your children good to have a mother who's had some time to rediscover herself and is more relaxed. Just do whatever you can to sort it out - even if it's just one night over a weekend. Have some time out.
2. Please investigate some counselling re your childhood. Your feelings need to be addressed.

We are in a lot of debt, my partner was self employed when i met him and every so often the work would dry up, so we would have to live off loans or credit cards. He is now in a good paye job and i have set up a debt management plan with payplan, so at the moment we are coping and should be okay for third DC. We private rent, we could probably get a mortgage but werent sure about buying at a time when the market seems to unsteady.

No dish washer, or tumble drier, though Dh has said he will get me a dish washer. He is very supportive.

I make sure we go to playgroups, twice a week, but have just moved and there is none at the moment for the hols.

Dh's family live down the very bottom of england, 600 miles away, and i dont have a good relationship with his mum really, my own fault for the most, she lived with us for a year and i found myself very jealous and insecure of her, with my kids and house and even with my husband.

My family are all up here but i wouldnt say any of us are close, we see each other but not really people i would turn to for support. This is mostly because when my dad split with my mum he got together with his deceased brothers wife, and her three kids. They were older and i feel he is very much a aprt of 'their' family now, rather than me and my brother.

I am really close to my brother but he is also down the south of england, we talk a lot on the phone. My best friend of 20 years is moving back near me on the 12th of july though which i am looking forward to.

Your circumstances are tough, emotionally and materially. Don't be hard on yourself - it sounds as if you are coping admirably (though I do rather wonder why you wanted a third DC so soon... life would have been easier with just two).

I have 2 children, just over 2 years apart and reading your OP sent a shiver down my spine. There is no way I could have coped with a third child so soon after my DS was born.

You have my absolute respect that you are doing so well as it is. I know that they are hard work and that it is frustrating at that age, but it does get better, I promise you.

My DD is 6yo and DS will be 4 on Saturday. They are so much fun at the moment, they play really well together. Yesterday they spent all afternoon in the paddling pool while I watched from a lounger reading a book. (Bravely ignoring the pile of ironing waiting for me)

You do need a break from it all, go for a coffee wiht a friend or a wander around town alone. Do you have anyone who could take the DCs for a couple of hours?

I do think that you would benefit from councelling to address your memories of your childhood and your first pregnancy. Could you speak to your GP about a referal?

hassled i am too scared to have counselling for my childhood, something really awful happened in it, something that has left me feeling alienated from my famiy though i could never tell them that. My brother drunkenly told me once that one of the boys we grew up with that i called and loved like a brother, had abused him. I was so horrifed and angry, i didnt know what to do, so in the end i asked the accused if it was true, he said it was just experimentation, i told him maybe to him but not to my brother. 2 weeks later he commited suicide, and tore our family to pieces. ALl i could think of was that my family was a bunch of abusers and abused

When it comes to my childhood, my head is in such a mess, i have blocked out so much, and such a lot of it hurts, i dont know if i could ever see someone about it.

But i do know it affects who i am now, and the mother i am now. It affects my relationship with my husband, and my family most of whom know nothing about all this. So i dont really feel i can turn to them for support.

anna, i tried for a third, because i just knew there was no way i would ever want to go back to the baby stage, say 5 years down the line. I desperately wanted a boy, so did my DH and we seemed to be in a good position. Its only very recently i have started to feel this way and wonder if i have made an awful mistake. It took 18 months and 2 mc to conceive again, i guess by the time i did, i had started thinking it would never happen and had said to DH it would be our last month of trying when i did fall.

Have you got a HV you could chat to/confide in?

I really do think, like other posters, that you could do with a strong shoulder to lean on and HVs really are there for that.

sorry to add to the story, i eventually found out that the borther whom commited suicide, had also been abused himself, by a 'friend'. I cant bring myself to hate him and often feel as though i pushed him to do what he did, because i told him i knew. His secret was out. A month later, my best mate hung himself, apparently because he had been in love with my fiancee at the time, and couldnt cope with it anymore.

i have a new HV whom seems very friendly, but i have always been terrified to have ANYTHING on medical record, about my mental health etc, because thats part of why my mother lost custody of me and my brother. I was also always terrified they might think i was unstable and take the kids away

Most days i am fine, a normal happy person, whom gets a bit stressed with her kids, but the past month, its become more bad days than good, and i feel bad for everyone, me, my kids, my hubby, because i am so up and down.

3 children (almost), a loving partner and maintaining that relationship and some semblance of sanity - you seem to be doing an AMAZING job. And even more so when you factor in everything you have been through. Please take a moment to feel pleased with yourself.

And in my limited experience of counselling (for things not nearly as traumatic as your experiences) they helped me deal with thigns in a controlled fashion, so I could deal with each little bit at a time. yes there were some 'explosive' moments where it all comes tumbling out, but a good counsellor won't leave you exposed and raw at the end of session.

What would you really really enjoy doing if you had an hour/afternoon/day away from your famliy? Can you get to do it?

i dont really know what i enjoy doing, i hate being away from my family, being quite anxious in nature and quite dependant on my DH, but i think i need to try like you say, for everyones sake. He would happily give me time away, to do what ever i wanted. my parents recently offered to take the girls on a weekend night too.

If it was an hour it would probably be listening to music or reading a book and having a bath. An afternoon probably sleeping, i am always tired lately. A day, probably charity shopping, looking for bargains, i do enjoy that.

I think it is definitely hard work to have two so young and pregnant. Your oldest will be eligible for nursery funding from September. I think this will be 12.5 hours a week (usually in 2.5 hour sessions) but is supposed to be going up to 15 hours. Mine are 7 and 4 and the 7yo is very easy really, and quite good fun a lot of the time. The 4yo is still quite hard work - but that is more in emotional/behavioural terms than having to do things for her. She is quite independent and feeds herself neatly, dresses herself, takes herself to the toilet etc which takes out a lot of the drudge.

It does sound like you have a lot of issues to work through, your childhood and the suicides of your friends especially.

Please remember though, that at the end of the day, the two friends were adults and they made their own decisions. You are not responsible for their actions, they are. The brother who commited suicide sounded like he had lots of problems, and they were not caused by you. If there is blame to be placed on anyone then it is on HIS abuser.

my eldest starts five 2 and a half hour preschool sessions a week in august, something i am looking forward to but also feel very nervous about too. my youngest will have her two mornings at playgroup back then too, so things will get better, i will get out the house each day and meet more people, plus the girls will have a break from me and a chance to make little friends themselves, it seems very far away yet though, though its not really.

Did you take your parents up on the offer? Might be good to get the girls used to the idea just in case it is necessary when no 3 is born? Also I think you might be eligible for sure start or something - where a volunteer comes into your home I think. They could maybe play with the girls while you went off for your bath, or maybe take them to the park or whatever. Sorry don't know much about it, only what I have read on here.

You could maybe approach your HV saying that you are tired and could do with a break (perfectly reasonable in the circs) rather than as a mental health issue.

thats it mmelindt, thats how i feel now i know he was abused too, the blame should have been laid on his abuser. But i feel he died thinking i hated him and thats not the case, i loved him, i was brought up with him from the age of 2, we had even spoken about sharing a flat together, spent many late nights watching jackass together or listening to david gray...i was heartbroken more than anything. He tried to get me to come and see him 2 days before he went missing, but i wouldnt, his last text just said, i will miss you so much

Everytime i am with my family i feel like i shouldnt be there, that i have no place with them because of it all, scared to have a drink with them incase it comes out. and the guilt, every time the date of his death comes around, it crushes me. This year i will be the same age he was when he died

anyhow, its easy to talk about it with strangers, but i dont know if i could do it face to face with anyone. I do know though that it plays a big part in who i am today and the way i am.

i have tken them up on the offer but not set a date yet as they are away for 2 weeks very shortly.

i have tken them up on the offer but not set a date yet as they are away for 2 weeks very shortly.

justageek on Wed 02-Jul-08 09:03:05
"i have a new HV whom seems very friendly, but i have always been terrified to have ANYTHING on medical record, about my mental health etc, because thats part of why my mother lost custody of me and my brother. I was also always terrified they might think i was unstable and take the kids away"

One thing I think you need to realise is that health visitors and social services these days are much more committed to giving support within the family. I have at least 3 friends who are currently on medication for mental health problems (one of them is manic-depressive) and noone has ever suggested that their children should be taken into care. They are good Mums- just like you sound like a good Mum. I know one reads scare stories in the paper, but honestly the reason that those stories end up in the papers is that they are so rare; most social workers know their jobs better.

And if your dh is supportive (he sounds lovely) then the custody battle won't happen.

So I think you would be perfectly safe to ask for counselling- and I hope you get some good quality counselling. IMO asking for help is a life skill that we need to develop- not least to teach it to our children when the time comes. I've found it very difficult but gets easier as I get older.

As for the age question, I think all of Mumsnet will agree that you are at the worst age now; by the time they get to 4 and 5 they will be able to entertain each other for long stretches, and by the time they get to 6 and 7 you'll be able to put your feet up for the afternoon (just tell them to mind little brother).

You can't shoulder everything that you have been through, without sharing. If there are people who can help you on MN, that's brilliant, but could you sort out some counselling in RL?

I'm sure you're a brilliant mum - the fact that you want to 'sort this out' for your kids says it all.

We all have really tough times when we can't cope - I couldn't wait to get back to work for a break when mine were small - and I've only got two!!

Good luck.

I did actually get referred for counselling once, when i went to see my gp about something totally unrelated, a lump i had found, and he was so lovely i did tell him i was finding things hard with the kids, but only a very little. The problem was the appointment took SOOO long to go through and then i wouldnt go because i would have had to have taken the kids with me. i wouldnt have been able to concentrate, and noone would baby sit.

Maybe now you'll have time coming up - when children are at nursery/playgroup - you could fit it in?

i hope so, but it took around 4 months last time and by that time i will have just had a new baby. I will talk to dh tonight, try to arrange something so i can see someone.