motherhood for me has not come easy at all (if it came easy for you, whats your secret?!) but there were lots of factors why really. Firstly i had a difficult childhood myself with my mother leaving when i was 2, and some childhood abuse from a cousin, then my mother returning when i was 12ish and a difficult relationship being forged.
Not her fault, or mine really, but it left me pretty wary of having children, especially as her own mum, my granny had accidently killed herself with an overdose of the barbituates she was on for PND. She wasnt a good mother apparently, having walked on my mother and breaking her arm at the age of 2.
There were stories of my own mother being neglectful, but i have no idea if they are true, i was very young.
Anyways, a bit of background and explains why i was terrified of ever having kids. I was also particularly terrified of having girl kids, because of the abuse i suffered i saw girls as vunerable, and also the rejection i had had from important women in my life growing up, made it hard for me to bond with women.
So at 19 i found out i was expecting my first after being with my parter a total of 8 weeks and having a rather bad drink problem. I had been taking the pill but drunk so much that most nights i was vomiting or had the runs etc so i guess thats why i fell. I was pretty horrified and wanted an abortion, but my partner as 30 and ready for children. He convinced me it would be okay and so i went along with it, terribly hoping that nature might take its course, so the decision would be out of my hands. I stopped drinking that week though, and smoking.
I was numb to my baby as i went through my pregnancy, long ago deciding i was having her for my partner, not for me. I also tried to convince myself she would be a boy, but when i gave birth that wasnt the case. I found labour very traumatic too, probably because i didnt want to be in labour anyways, or looked forward to meeting my baby. When they finally placed her on mytum, there was no rush of love she was a girl and she looked nothing like me, she had red hair, like my mum.
I developed PND pretty quickly and began to hate my own child, my partner doted on her and took to parenting like a duck to water, i however went to pieces, she cried all the time literally, night and day. At 3 months she was diagnosed as having silent reflux, medicated and things slowly began to improve. When she was 7 months, i found out i was pregnant again. I had naively thought because i was bf and hadnt had periods yet, i couldnt get pregnant.
There was 14 months between my Dc's. My second was also a DD and this time i did bond with her, straight away. We had a very close, loving mum/daughter relationship. So much so that i decided i would like to actually try for another baby, because i found motherhood then so fulfilling. I am now 25 weeks with my third, a baby boy and very happily so..
Or so i thought. My children are now 3.3 months and 2 years almost exactly. And they are SOOOO hard work. I still have a lot of issues with my first born a lot of guilt, a different bond as such, though i do love her very much. I just dont know if it will ever feel natural with her. This makes me more impatient and less understanding with her, something i have been trying to work on.
Her younger sister has hit the terrible twos and most days seems to be a circle of shouting, crying, tantrums, hitting and all sorts.
I just wanted to know when mother hood becomes more rewarding, when does it stop being a constant battle of wills. When can i start to enjoy my children? Because just now, i dread getting out of bed some mornings, at the thought of whats to come in the day. I dont ever get a break from them, there is no nursery, only playgroups, and i feel like i never get the chance to appreciate what i have. What i wouldnt give to be my kids auntie instead of their mum.
Sorry its so long, i tried to keep it short and it is shorter that what it might have been.