Partner & stepson at bedtime

[Dad01234]

Me & my partner have been together 4 years, she has a 7 year old from a previous relationship & I have a 5 year old from a previous relationship.

My son goes to bed no issues, I say goodnight, then I see him in the morning but her son continuously gets out of bed at night & wont go to sleep. He makes up all the excuses under the sun from he’s hungry to he’s not tired to he’s scared to he has an itch. Sometimes this goes on for over an hour.

My issue is everytime he asks for something stupid she goes running round the house to get it for him. This can range from anything to suddenly needing medicine to a plaster to a random light needing to be on & when none of those work she gets into his bed and cuddles him for like 10 mins. (They all ready have a 10 min cuddle to relax him before bed anyway) this can go on serval times so there can be 3 or 4 separate cuddle times on top of his one before bed.

My argument is the more she runs around after him the more he gets up & out of bed. She says he needs her and she’s being a good parent but before she puts him to bed she ask him if he needs anything and he says no. But 10 mins after she walks away all of a sudden a dozen things are suddenly wrong. I tell her to just put him back in bed and say goodnight but she insists on staying up in his room every time he gets out of bed for another 10 mins.

what is the right solution as every time I mention it she just gets really angry and says we have different ways of parenting

Erm what? Weirdo!

Ran through a field of wheat

the first thing is to try and treat it not as mine/her kid (for this specific issue)

Plenty of not-blended families with two children, have one child who sleeps well and one who doesn't. It could be, but it isn't necessarily due to being a better parent.

I would imagine she is angry because the divide in the blended family and the comparison to your son is leaving her feeling judged.

If you are a family, treat this like any other family would - you both chip in to help solve the problem, and accept that children are different. Instead of watching and "telling" her your opinions about it.

This exactly. We have 2 DC. The second one was very much like this and it could go on until around 10 or 11. What’s she supposed to do, leave her child distressed to please you?

Honestly, that would do my head in. She’s making a rod for her own back. I’m with someone who has kids like this and trust me, it doesn’t end at 7. The eldest is 9 now and getting her to sleep takes nearly 2 hours. I’m working on an exit plan.

You've made different parenting choices for your different kids. She's happy to do things differently, but you think she should do it your way. Why don't you just let her get on with it?

How can he need a plaster from being in his bed lying down with his eyes shut? What 'medicine' could he suddenly require? You don't just give kids everything they ask for! Especially after they've gone to bed? That's not good parenting I don't think.

What he wants is a cuddle, he should be able to have one. But these nonsense excuses should not be being pandered to as it will make him totally spoilt and manipulative.

Something is happening for her child and she is parenting him through it. Why does it bother you?

Surely if every time you mention it, she gets angry means she is saying she doesnt want your advice. So all the well meaning advice in the world is pointless because she is telling you she doesnt want your advice.

Or were you just hoping everyone would tell you that your parenting is superior?

If she asks for your help then I get it but regardless of whether she is doing things in the right way or wrong way, she is telling you she wants to parent her way so let her do it. If its only her being affected let her get on with it.

Different kids are different, different parents are different. This isn't an issue that is causing harm to anyone, it's just you thinking your way is better than hers and that she should change how she parents to be the same as you.

For the record, I have two kids, one goes to bed without issue, the other does not. People who's kids find certain things easy tend to think it's because they're better parents, that's not the case.

I’d keep my opinions to myself and let her get on with it. I’d give an opinion only if asked for one at this stage. However I would not ‘compensate’. Eg, I’d carry on eating a meal whilst she was faffing around upstairs or carry on watching a tv programme you were both watching and not pause it. Fine for her to parent her child as she chooses but fine for me not to have to pander to it too.

Why do you keep mentioning something that you know upsets your partner? She has made it very clear that she doesn't want your input on this issue. Sometimes you just reach a stalemate where neither of you is going to change the other. Presumably this isn't a big enough deal to end the relationship, so sometimes you just have to agree to disagree and let each other get on with it.

Your focus should be on how this impacts you, not your opinions on how she should be parenting her child. If it doesn't impact you (or the only impact is your annoyance at watching it happen), butt out. If it does impact you, think about how you can mitigate that. Things like planning your evening around her being unavailable for that hour, you carrying on with your routine while she dips in and out etc.

Comfort is as integral a need as food and water. They need their mother, it’s not a crime. We don’t sleep alone so why do we expect small children to be able to? You’re just annoyed you aren’t coming first.

I'd unblend asap. For everyone's sake.

I don't think she's doing anything wrong particularly. If your child settles well it doesn't necessarily mean it's because you handled it better.
I think you need to be careful that you aren't shaming her parenting. It may look to her as if you are smug about your child not needing you at night.

On the one hand, yes, she's pandering to him a bit. But genuinely, some children don't sleep well and need a lot more support. It's likely he's always been needy and a terrible sleeper and this is how she handles that.

A 5 year old going to sleep without issue, cuddles, etc is actually not the norm. And it's not your outstanding parenting that has led to this, it's really mostly luck.

Just to clarify for a few people who are getting the wrong end of the stick here. We call both our kids our sons so it’s not a split blended family. To the people saying leave her to it. She is the one coming to me saying how stressed she is putting him to bed and then she gets angry at him and ends up shouting at him after a while. We tried switching it up so I put him to bed but he just says he wants her so ultimately we both put our own kids to bed. Sometimes she ends up crying because he won’t go to sleep after an hour. Then I give her my advice which isn’t to keep going up and down up and down for hours. I believe he does it for attention and she gives it to him so he keeps doing it. That’s just my opinion. I don’t mind if she wants to go up and down the stairs all night that’s up to her, when I say for me to take over she just says no he needs her. I offer to help she says no and then she asks for my advice then tells me I’m wrong. Hence the reason for this post to get opinions not to tell one of us is right. There is a lot of aggressive people on here that you can tell they can’t get their kids to bed either

I dont have kids but back in the 90s DH and i were friends with this couple who had three kids. The youngest one who was about 5 or 6 at the time would just not go to bed at night and cry and scream so got to stay up. Totally unfair on the older two.

Before bed she needs to get him to have a wee, have a water bottle by his bed, read him a story and have a cuddle.

If he comes out the room the tells him gently that “it’s bed time darling” and she leads him back and tucks him in. The second time she tells him “it’s bed time” and tucks him in. Third time she leads him back and doesn’t say anything but tucks him in and kisses him on the head. Repeat the third step until he’s bored of it.

It’s not shouting at him, it’s not making him feel unloved. Hes being tucked in and given a kiss. If he knows the games he’s playing aren’t leading anywhere he’ll get bored.

Your also need to talk to him and let him know that it’s ok to be awake in bed if you can’t sleep, you just have to rest. Try investing in one of the projector nightlights that shine pictures on the ceiling or an audio book. Something to keep him happy whilst in his room and to encourage him not to need to call out for mum constantly.

If you didn't live together would this still affect you.

Surely you know that all kids are different and have different needs patterns? Maybe that’s what he does when he’s with his mum so you can’t expect him to adhere to your rules when he stays with you. He might also just want to have an excuse to spend more time with his dad?

She needs to try a different approach or stop crying and complaining about it. She’s being completely unreasonable to dump her stress on you when it’s her actions and their negative consequences that are at fault. She doesn’t have to take your advice but you can stop indulging the moaning.

Are you a mother or a father? I ask because I wonder if your child would be different with the other parent.

Either way, we can only parent the child in front of us. As in, they're all different, even within families. She's not doing anything wrong to be doing it differently to you, your way isn't inherently correct.

I'm not sure why you feel the need to comment? There's nothing worse than feeling judgement oozing in your direction, even if it isn't spoken. Your kids are both quite young to be living with someone else, it could easily be unsettling and they need reassurance, conciously or not.

How much time do they both spend with their other parents, how long since the break ups, and how long have you lived together?