I feel an awful mother

[Broodymomma]

Sorry for being a moan i just have to get this out!

My son is 15 months old and a long awaited pfb after several cycles of ivf. I absolutely adore him but am finding it so hard to like him at the moment. He was a difficult baby who screamed constantly (so much so my hv said she had never seen a child like it) - we rode it out though and since about 9 months old he has hit, bit, kicked, pulled hair. He is completely unaffectionate and appears not to care less if im around or not. DH will come in from work and ds does not even look at him. He hits anyone he comes into contact with and the bigger he gets the more powerful he becomes.

I have tried everything to make this stop. Everything. Am completely at the end of my tether. I know i cant turn him into a loving child if thats just not who he is but how do i stop the hittting. This is month 6 and i cant take it any more. Someone told me last week he should come with a govornment health warning. I feel likei have failed him and i dont know what to do.

Please help if you can x

Have you tried cranial osteopathy? Did you have a traumatic birth? It doesn't sound entirely normal to be so aggressive so maybe he is in pain somewhere and has no way to verbalise?

I hope you manage to find a solution soon, for both your sakes. Life doesn't sound like much fun for either of you.

Oh dear, really don't know what to suggest....have you been to your Doctor to seek proffesional help?

YOu are not a bad mother

Well, what a cruel thing for someone to say, that he should come with a governemnt health warning! That's a dreadful remark to make about someones child.
He is very young isn't he? HE doesn't understand his actions are hurting you so I think you just have to keep being very calm and loving and praising him, playing with him. HE will probably grow out of it.
Someone else may have more helpful advice.

There could be medical explanations for the way he is. He could be reall bright and frustrated, he could just be miserable (my dd was up to nine months). If he's hitting then that's quite simply an age thing, a little young maybe, but you could be in for a long stretch. He has no idea about hitting at this stage and will not know it hurts, just that it gets a reaction.
Heck if I had a pound for every time I felt like a crap mother, I wouldn't be posting on MN I'd be on an Island somewhere with Joaquim fanning me with a leaf!!

Thanks everyone. Firstly i have managed to post this thread twice in my upset state last night! Anyone know how i merge them?

We did have a bot of a traumatic birth - 15 days late, induced and forceps, he was none too happy at being pulled out. He slept most of the first day and from day 2 screamed the place down and never stopped till he found other ways to vent himself ie hitting. We did try cranial osteopath when he was smaller as we felt then it could be a problem with his neck. It worked a little but not for long.

If he is not hitting me he is hitting himself or any child who comes near. There is no pattern to it. It you try and get affectionate with him you just get hit. It is honestly so bad that people do comment. I apologise constantly. He refuses to sit on your knee or cuddle or anything like that. I feel like he hates me. He seems to have no affection for dh or i.

Anyway we have made a app for him with the doc on thursday as i just feel its not right. Its not just the hitting its the whole history since birth. I owe it to him to get this sorted. I want him to enjoy things like playgropus etc - at the moment i just cant take him anywhere.

Thanks for all your responses. Was just upset last night, we had planned a nice family day and it just all went wrong as usual and ended up with me being beaten up by a 15 month old terror!

Thanks again - will let you know how the docs go. Have tried the hv loads of time but our old one who knew him has left and the rest just tell me its a phase!

xx

Message withdrawn

Oh dear, I'm afraid I can't offer any practical help but I just wanted to say that I can sympathise because I have days where my ds is a complete pain and I have the "I'm a shit mum" feelings. I have been reduced to tears and convinced he hates me on many an occasion.

I do think you should visit a doctor because it sounds like you have done everything you can - perhaps a GP could refer you for soemthing like cranial osteopathy.

Best of luck.

He sounds very hypersensitive to me. If a child's sensory system is really overloaded, so every touch feels uncomfortable it is really hard for them to show affection. It doesn't mean they don't love you/feel the same way as every other child. Imagine if everytime someone touch you it was painful, you might crave their affection but not be able to let them near you.

I'd investigate floortime. Ignore the bits about autism in that link-I'm NOT suggesting that your child is autistic (my severely autistic son was/is very affectionate- craves being held- so I'm not making a link there). The guy who developed Floortime has worked a lot with children who are developing normally and those who have developmental problems. He writes about both as well. BUt he has an excellent understanding of the sensory issues that can make life difficult for a hyper-sensitive child. (his book the challenging child might be worth a read). He has developed a way of playing with children (Floortime) that takes account of sensory difficulties, is fun and relatively easy to do and would be ideal for a hyper-sensitive child who finds touch difficult to tolerate.

Do get the doc to rule out pain for some reason. Does your child have gut problems/constipatio/lots of wind etc. That can make life pretty miserable.

Oh the guy who developed floortime is called Stanley Greenspan. He's written a lot about typical child development as well as developmental problems. The book I mention above is for children developing normally but with sensory issues that make them challenging/difficult children.

Thank you so much I will check that out for sure. He does not appear to have problems with wind or anything like that. He loves rough play with other kids so im not sure if he is in pain (he just takes it too far) - however right now i refuse to rule anything out as i have had enough. Really cant thank you all enough for your help, i feel better just knowing i am doing something about it. xx

'DH will come in from work and ds does not even look at him'

How does he relate to you? Does he react negatively/postively/any reaction when you come into the room or try to leave him on his own. Screaming and hitting are probably not that worrying in themselves (although very difficult to live with) and are not necessarily symptoms of anything serious underlying but how is he otherwise for social reactions ?

What do you do when he does hit you?

It is very telling I think that your DH doesn't even look at him when he comes in. Why the hell not?! What absolutely awful behaviour from a father. Why does he do that? It will be hard for a child to SHOW affection if his own dad doesn't even look at him; children need to GET first, before they can learn how to GIVE..

I understand that you love him etc and it's hard to show affection with hugs when you get hit, but there are other ways; verbal, lots of attention and playing with etc. Would you say he gets this?

My LO was a really difficult baby. Really bad colic for months, no naps. Was at my wits end until we forced him onto a routine. Relative calm for a while.

Then at ? (can't remember) months, biting, slapping, etc started. Used to frustrate me that we gave us no cuddles. Thought there was something wrong with him. Just a phase. Didn't last as long as yours though. I really stuck to his bedtime routine, stuck to the 'firm voice, no attention if he bit me' thing even though it felt like it was doing no good.

Eventually it stopped.

He is now a VERY boisterous three year old. Makes it worse that he is so tall for his age because if he decides to, he can really hurt other kids. On the other hand, he is VERY affectionate - loads of kisses and cuddles. I am now 39 weeks pregnant and he swings from kissing my tummy and whisperring to the baby to attempting to knee drop on my tummy, shouting, 'I squash the baby mummy.' What a monkey!

Does your LO go to nursery? If you are stay at home mum and you can afford it, it might be worth giving him some time at nursery.
Yes, he might hit other kids but all kids do that from time to time and the staff will know what to do. Don't get me wrong - I am NOT recommending that they do your job for you - it's just it will give you some time to yourself, it will give your LO some really great time with other kids.

I pick my LO up regularly and have to sign an equal amount of 'incident forms' (where he has bashed another kid) and 'accident forms' (where he has been bashed by another kid. He loves nursery - they do loads of fun stuff that I couldn't never be bothered (sorry!) to do at home - flour play - yuck - and also cool stuff that you can only do with ten other crazy three year olds.

It's really hard for you to take your LO to playgroups because you seem him bashing other kids with a 'mother's eye' whereas at nursery, they are used to it.

Sorry - one more thing. My only other advice (which is really hard) is to get outdoors as much as possible - wears them out and they can do less damage. Blanket, toys, field.

Honoria, it's the other way round my lover

lazarou {grin]
I love it when people get things muddled, it always makes me laugh out loud!!

I can't see what is muddled? children need to get love and affection first, before they can give it, is what I'm saying

On what planet is THAT muddled?

Honoria, it is the ds that won't look at the dh. That's what I was pointing out.

Taxi!

Ha! just re-read! DERRRR - penny drops!

So, DS doesn't look at DH when he comes in...I don't think that's anything to worry about, though, particularly...children this age are quite oblivious, your DH just needs to give him attention and this will pay off. Children this age are often bad with change, too; they get used to having one carer all day and can blank, or outright reject, the other when they come in - hurtful though that is, it's very normal

Honoria, quite classic!

My DS will be desperate to see his daddy after work and yet when he walks in, sometimes he says "No daddy" or hits him. Breaks daddy's heart and sometimes makes him cross (not very!)

Think it is normal - my DS is so tired after nursery, plus he is so excited to see daddy that I guess he feels almost embarrassed?

Sometimes daddy is crafty. He sits down, gets one of my DS's books and starts to read it to me - DS soon wedges himself between us to listen to the story too.

Hey everyone

Thanks again for all the advice.

Ok - I am a shift worker and work 28 hours per week. DS goes to a childminder when i am at work and he loves going there. He interacts with 5 other children there and hits all of them regardless of age/size. The problem seems to be at its worst with adults when saying hello or goodbye. With children its whenever they are in reach.

When he hits myself or dh we get down to his level, say - no, hitting is bad, do not hit mummy/daddy. Then we sit him where he is and give him no attention for 1 minute. That is the advice we were given from the HV and we have followed it for 6 months as has my childminder. When I go to collect him after my work he slaps and hits me also. He seems to have no emotional attachment to either myself or dh - this is not due to the lack of attempts at cuddles/kisses. Being a mum is all i ever wanted and he is a most loved and wanted child so please dont think he is this way due to lack of affection from either of us.

He is in a great routine. Sleeps 12 - 15 hrs per night and eats well. In all other respects he is great. Just extremely violent and lacks emotional feelings for either of his parents (that we can see anyway). I think of things like if he hurts himself - he would not come to me or be comforted by me. If he has not seen me all day he wont smile or have a reaction when he does - its like a complete stranger has walked in, when i get him up in the morning he does not even look me in the eye or show any pleasure to see me.

So many things that I know I must be boring you by now. As I said we have a docs app on Thursday so hopefully we will get some help. Thanks again to all of you.

Can you show him behaviour you do like? I'm not sure I'd agree with what your HV suggested for a 6 month old - if he starts to hit, perhaps say "No, gently, gently", and then gently stroke your face with his hand, all the while smiling, and saying gently, and lovely, and positive words. That way he gets lots of positive reinforcement and attention for doing something nice. Constantly having to say no must be wearing for all of you - show him how he can get lots of attention in a positive way and see if it helps.

In dog training (bear with me!) when a dog has a problem and the owner has been struggling with it for a long while it is often recommended that the word 'No' is dropped from the vocabulary. Sometimes it has been used with such frequency that its meaning becomes lost. Maybe it would help if you replaced it with a more positive approach like Habbibu suggested?

agree with habibu
fuss over friendly behaviour, shower him with cuddles and smiles and praise.
Hang in there because playing the positive reinforcement card is a marathon. But it works.

Oh, just re-read - for 6 months - so from when he was 11 months? I still think I'd aim for demonstrating appropriate behaviour - change the moment of hitting to something positive for both of you, rather than discipline, if possible.