Would you take in a lodger just after having your 1st DC if it meant DP could then give up his job?

[cheerfulvicky]

Hiya,

I'd really appreciate some perspective on this from parents who know what life is like with a new baby, especially your first! This might be a bit long so apologies and I'll TRY and keep to the point...

Basically, DP and I are expecting our 1st baby in August. We're currently thinking of ways that DP could work less hours or even leave his job altogether so he can be with the baby and have also more free time in general. He is the sole breadwinner, loathes his job and it makes him very stressed. He cannot go part time at his company, so if he wanted to work less (rather than not at all) he'd have to find another job, which is hard in Cornwall where unemployment is huge and jobs scarce.

Because we live in a college town, it would be very easy to rent out one of the rooms in the house to a uni student and live off that, plus some child tax credits. We don't pay rent as DP owns the house and has almost finished paying off the mortgage.

The thing is, because of term times etc, the student lodger would be here just around the time the new baby arrived, and I don't know how I'd feel about sharing my living space during such a huge transition. I've suffered a bit from ante-natal depression while pregnant, and I suppose I'm wary of our relationship being already strained by the arrival of a new baby and a possibly hormonal me, and then the lodger being here sort of tipping things over the edge.

Is it worth sacrificing a bit of privacy for the luxury of DP being able to give up a job he's worked in for 25 years and now really hates? He's very keen to do this and I support him fully, but I want to be careful also and look after our relationship, which has had a bad patch about 6 months ago. How sensible is it to attempt to do this just around the time we are having our first child? I can't imagine what it will be like, so I really don't know if I'm worrying unnecessarily... Argh.

Sorry, I've totally rambled on now. Any advice welcomed! Thank you

I had a lodger from Monday night - Friday morning, this was before I had dd2.

Lodger moved out before I had baby - as he didn't want to be around with all the noise.

I wasn't concerned but this could be a problem for you with a student wanting to study and have peace and tranquility.

I agree If I was looking for a room I wouldn't want to be sharing with a baby.

Yes, I don't think you can reasonably expect a lodger to want to share a house with a newborn. I know a friend of mine did it years ago and it was okay but you'd need to be v lucky to have a placid baby or a tolerant lodger, or both!

To be honest, the birth of your first child is not the time to be sacrificing your job security I'm afraid Admittedly small babies don't cost very much / anything at all, esp if breast-fed, but I wouldn't put yourself through that stress if you don't have to.

Could dh stay at home with the baby whilst you go to work - after a suitable period of mat leave of course.

I didn't want to sound harsh but the reality is not many people love their jobs and your DP is going to be a father he needs to get a grip tbh, If it's a choice between you working, you having to share your space with anyone and him going to work, he needs to just grit his teeth and get on with it.

I guess it depends on how much space you have.

When DS was a newborn I spent most of my time with my norks out, trying to establish breastfeeding. The midwife/HV would pop around and inspect my c-section wound in the living room and I couldn't be bothered to get dressed.

I found that the addition of a newborn changed my life in ways I could not have forseen. My advice is to wait until the baby comes before making any decisions.

Would you really get enough money to live on as a family from a student rent and tax credits?

Presumably you'd have to claim IS as well?

And I'm afraid I agree with the others that you won't want another person around, and that students wouldn't want to share with a small baby.

Thanks for the fast replies! I had wondered what lodger in their right mind would want to share with a newborn. I wonder if there is a point at which is would be a better plan and much easier, i.e when baby is 6 months?

tribpot - You have a good point. I think DP has reached the stage through where work is so stressful that anything else looks more attractive, iyswim.

I don't understand how you can make enough for all 3 of you to live on by, renting out one room in your house to a student? Am I being very naive about rents here?

I personally wouldn't do it in a million years, but that is me. You will have a better idea about how it will affect you having someone else living in your house, but you don't sound at all sure from your OP, so I suppose I would advise against it.

I would say it is a bad idea tbh. The last thing you need when you have had a new baby is someone else around who isn't family.

If your partner is the sole bread winner how will you manage for money? Tax credits don't go far.

Is he looking for work? My sympathies BTW - my DH was utterly miserable in a previous job too. It made life very difficult for us all.

I dont think it is smart for both of you to be stay at home parents, and strictly speaking not necessary (you would get on eachothers tits within a very short time I suspect). I doubt the rent from a student would be enough to pay all your bills, food and clothes. You've got to work out how much you spend on council tax, insurance, utilities and food now, and find out what lodgers pay. In any event, you are facing the most expenisive years of your life, now is not the time for your partner to chuck in his career and retire.

Can you go out to work while he is a stay at home dad?

I'd hate my DH to be home all the time let alone have a lodger as well - I think it would drive me mad, and with getting to know a new baby and yourself as a mother would feel like you weere constantly ebing supervised

Um

Are you saying he will effectively be retiring to live on tax credits

What about the longer term?

Once the baby is here he could apply for flexible working - why can he not go p/t?

Some good points here, thanks.

Money stuff: we worked out that if DP worked half time at the minimum wage, we'd have exactly the same amount of income (with tax credits etc) as we do now with him working 40 hours a week in a reasonably well paid job. Obviously this knowledge is driving him even more insane at work...

If we took in a lodger and relied on tax credits, we would be £300 a month worse off, but DP currently pays about £400 to the mortgage, and if he paid that off - it's almost finished anyway - then we would be living at the same standard as we are now. So, little change really. Of course, we haven't had a baby yet!

Could you both work part time.

If you dod part time at each end of the week. You Monday Tuesday and Wednesday morning and dp Wednesday afternoon, Thursday and Friday type thing.

This way you would both be out of the house and get other adult conversation.Something to talk about !

No need for child care, as time share work and parenting. Both get time with baby and input. School holidays etc would be a doddle no problem.

Get a working lodger, who is out all day Monday to friday and goes home at weekend Someone who lives away and commutes and wants to save on petrol.

But isnt tax credit there to help working parents pay for childcare? Tax credits is for people working a minimum of 16 hours per week, unless I am ill informed.

If they claim income support the tax credits will top them up, i'm afraid i am appalled that you would be in the same financial position working 40 hours a week as working part time and claiming tax credits, my DH would take 2 jobs before he allowed that to happen in our family, whatever happened to the state helping those in need, it's not meant to be a fucking lifestyle choice.

I don't know about the lodger side of things, but I do know about co-parenting (in the sense of both parents being at home full-time), and it is very difficult!!

However much you love your DP, you will invariably find that your parenting styles aren't entirely the same - and this can cause problems. Strange as it sounds, it's easier to do it on your own. Consistency is everything in parenting, and it's difficult enough to be consistent with yourself - and well nigh impossible to be consistent when you're not 100 percent sure what your DP has said or done (and vice versa). If I were you, I'd make sure he stays at work!!

cheerfulvicky whatever you decide i think you should not put anything into motion until you have your baby. you don't know how each of you will feel.

also you say your dp has worked for 25 years at his job. why is he choosing this most crucial time of both your lives to say this is the point when it must change?

hello again,

Thanks for the illuminating replies!

More money stuff: Working tax credit has a childcare element I think, but we wouldn't be using that... I think they pay 80% of your childcare costs or something like that.
As far as I am aware the WTC is designed to encourage people to work at least a certain amount of hours - over 16 hrs - by topping up their salary if their wages aren't that good. That is, min wage or about that.

Child tax credit on the other hand is paid whether you are working or not, the amount you get differs depending on salary. DPs salary is well below the national average, but for round here it's alright.

If we took in a lodger and he gave up work, we wouldn't be entitled to WTC, but would just get child tax credit. This would be enough for us as we don't live the high life and DP especially is pretty thrifty. We're planning to cut down our energy bills for example, before prices skyrocket again...

Abitconcerned I hear what you're saying, and we've thought a lot about this angle of things. DP is 48 and has worked all his life, before we got together he was planning to retire early in 2 years on a small pension in any case and tbh I think he is just fed up of the daily grind. He's paid lots of tax over the years and feels entitled to some of it back! I don't feel this way myself, as I'm younger than him, and I wouldn't be happy living on benefits/his money, I like to earn my own. So I would get a job at some point after the baby was a bit bigger. Really just want to be there for him in the first few months DP on the other hand is different, totally different perspective and feelings about work, he is tired and stressed and fed up of it all.

Anyway, all opinions are valued so keep 'em coming!
[wonders what shes let herself in for emoticon]

Well it doesn't work that way, I've worked all my life since I was 16, does that mean I should just have a few years off because i've earnt it ?
If we all did that then who would help those genuinely in need, single parents who can't work, the disabled ? It's not a pot for those who've paid in to take out when it suits their circumstances. I'm sorry but the whole thing leaves a nasty taste in my opinion.

the thing is vicky my dh is older than me so i kind of understand, babies cost quite a bit of money and with 2 parents at home increased utility bills are going to happen more so with a lodger -your insurance premiums have to be raised bcos potentially your home is a business youre quite young and your feelings with regards to your dh giving up work may later dramatically especially if thriftyness gives way to meanness that might make you feel aggrieved .

really now is not the time to be giving up work or making huge life adjustments thrash ideas around and then give it til xmas to decide there are many options maybe your partner could find a different job,maybe you could work but at the moment a new baby needs a stable relaxed atmosphere.