To refuse swimming at school

[tabbycat4321]

Has anyone been in a similar situation? My youngest, 6yo, hates school swimming. She has a genuine fear of going into the pool at school, I think there is some sensory overload as she doesn't like the getting dressed part either. This causes a lot of anxiety at home the night before and in the morning of swimming. Can I refuse for her to go? She's at a private school. I'd be happy to take her swimming outside of school as we can manage that environment a lot better and she loves swimming on holidays and generally is ok with 1-1 lessons. I understand that they need to be able to swim 25m etc. We did some over the summer that were semi successful (she has some fear still of attempting things alone in the pool). I have 3 older kids so am all for building resilience but this is far more than that, she's genuinely afraid plus I think she get sensory overload. Thanks for any suggestions

I’d talk to the school about it and make them aware so they can support her but I certainly wouldn’t be opting her out just because she doesn’t like it. It’s also an essential life skill she needs to learn and you never know she might actually do better with her peer group than you think and presumably she’s also been off all summer so hasn’t done school swimming in a while? I would say that she goes, get changed like everyone else and then what she does or doesn’t do in the water is up to her and the school to manage.

How often does your school do swimming? Is this the one time in primary that they go, or do they do it more than once? If they only do it once, then it’s unlikely you’d be permitted to withdraw her. If they go again later you might be able to withdraw this time but not in future.

When I taught Year 4, we weren’t allowed to permit the children to miss swimming. It’s part of the national curriculum so it was a legal requirement that they at least turn up and try to get in the pool each week. We had a family who tried to avoid it and it was escalated through attendance policy (although I don’t know ultimately what the consequences were).

This.

It’s a 6YO at a private school so doubt any of that will apply (no requirement to follow the national curriculum for starters) however she’ll likely be expected to swim weekly all throughout primary school and it sets a precedent if she’s told it’s optional. If you don’t insist now OP at what age would you, keeping in mind that any anxiety around changing is only likely to increase as they get older? Or would you be willing to let her go the whole way through the school without participating in swimming?

Yes, this. Sometimes we have to do things we don't like, or are anxious about.

Talk to her about what will happen: coach ride to the pool, get changed, etc. Visit the pool ahead of time so it's familiar. Mention to the teacher (and maybe a friend of your child's too) that she's worried, and she'll be looked after. You can lessen the anxiety without saying she doesn't have to go.

Quote from my worrywart 10yo DD2: "it might not be a disaster! It might be fine!" DD2 defaults to "no I don't want to" with anything unfamiliar, but when we say "tough, you have to", she's invariably had a good time with whatever it is. Getting over that initial anxiousness is a good skill to learn, and makes it easier the next time she has a new and scary thing to tackle.

Yes but school swimming at six is not one of those things.

This obsession with driving out ordinary early childhood aversions is leading to grater anxiety problems later. The normal, healthy thing to do with young kids is pause and restart six months later.

Why force an issue over something that a bit of time will fix without drama?

The old way of parenting would be to say 'she's not ready yet'. Over reacting and constant talking increases the problem.

Talk to her and find out what it is that she is afraid of - is it the actual pool? If so, what part? The getting in? The getting wet? Does she have to wear a hat? The getting dry again afterwards? Or is it the swimming teacher? The other children? ... the list is endless. Once you have a better idea of what exactly it is that she doesnt like then you can work with the school to over come it.

If she is at a private school that has a pool and is already having lessons then I suspect they will continue to use the pool until they leave meaning you need to nip it in the bud now, as I am sure you can appreciate that she has an amazing opportunity with this set up for which you are already paying. Did your older children go to this school? What happens as they get older? It would be "easier" to duck out if she were at a state school doing 6 weeks of "swimming" each year in a run of the mill council run pool which is a drive away from school etc but that wouldnt actually help your child either, and it is in both the school and your family interests to work together on encouraging her to use the pool at school.

Also try and reframe it - if she were afraid of another element of school life (either a subject, eg English or an aspect eg lunchtime) then how would you approach that? Presumably you wouldnt just say "oh you dont need to do it at school, I can teach you in my own time" or pick her up, take her home, then return her to school each day for lunch? That really wouldnt do her any favours long term, and I dont see how this is any different.

For what it is worth, I had similar with my child when he was about 4. He had always loved swimming and was pretty good. Then he just started crying/was really anxious from the night before, all the morning before school, all the way to the pool, when we got to the pool etc and he screamed when I got him onto the pool side. It would have been so easy to give up and let him "win" but I kept taking him every week as a non negotiable thing, then eventually, after several months he settled again. I never did work out what it was but he loves swimming again now aged 7 and trains twice or three times a week with his swimming club. If I'd have let him win, then realistically, he wouldnt be swimming now as we were at a state school so he would not have started school "swimming" by now.

This Talk to her and find out what it is that she is afraid of - is it the actual pool? If so, what part? The getting in? The getting wet? Does she have to wear a hat? The getting dry again afterwards? Or is it the swimming teacher? The other children? ... the list is endless. Once you have a better idea of what exactly it is that she doesnt like then you can work with the school to over come it. is exactly the conversation not to have at only six. It is just going to heighten/entrench any anxiety.

At six you just stop offering the thing and carry on with private swimming and try again when they've got a bit older.

All this trying to discuss anxiety is being applied too young. At six just give them a bit of space to grow up a bit.

I also hated swimming at school and it wasn't until I was 29 that I learnt with the help of my now wife.

My hate for swimming came from an event that happened while on a lesson at school where I got kicked in the head as we were doing lengths and I had the feeling of drowning.

I would then hide in the toilets when the swimming bus came if I could get away with it or be by the side of the pool if I was caught.

No one ever checked to see why I didn't and with a bit of support/talking I might have been less anxious about it

Yanbu. As long as she is swimming in other settings I would be happy for her not to be forced to swim in school, I think I’d have a bit of fear myself about a child that young swimming without me. No way she’ll get the level of supervision and quality of teaching she’d get in a one to one setting.

I have had children not want to do things. That’s ok at home but NOT ok at school. We work really hard at school to include everyone and then we have children ruling their parents.
EVERYONE has fears, you have to overcome them.
It is absolutely acceptable to share her fears with the school. They will do social stories , share pictures of the pool , the instructors etc. It is absolutely not acceptable for you to tell them she is not going. They will sort it out at school, you need to sort it out at home.

Back in the day when you had to swim and do PE and you were forced to swim and do your badges, who do you think is going to look after your child at school whilst the rest of the class go swimming, at our school we were forced to swim in winter in a freezing outdoor pool we all survived

Exactly this

At six she should be in weekly swimming lessons outside of school. But as she's in private I guess you pay for her to do them in school. So if you pull her out you should have a separate weekly swimming lesson in place beforehand. You don't want her to get to being a teenager and be the only child who is not allowed on the school trip because she has no ability to safely be around water.

Neither of my DC did/do school swimming lessons. The primary offers it in the summer term for Y2, 3 and 5 (I think) and every time the headteacher has said it's fine for them not to.

They've both been doing private lessons for years (DD12 for the last 6, DS8 for 4) which already costs us a fortune, and the school wanted us to pay to do it there as well. The pool in question is essentially a large paddling pool (one with hard sides) on the playground, under a gazebo. Both DC would've been across it in one stroke! Absolutely pointless and then they'd have to sit around with wet hair for the rest of the day just for that.

They aren't the only ones not doing it and when DS gets to Y5 he likely won't be doing it then either. I'm usually very strict about them taking part in things but not this one. School swimming lessons are great if your child doesn't have access to private lessons but in our case there's just no point.

It depends on the degree of her reluctance and just which aspects bother her.

if she doesn’t want to change in front of other people, that should be respected. It is not simple to provide privacy for a class of students, but that doesn’t mean they should be forced to disrobe. The school needs to find a solution.

If it is another aspect of the lesson, talk to her about it and see if there is a simple adjustment.

It may be that she truly won’t do it. My daughter resisted a few things at school that people found bizarre, including singing. She wouldn’t even mouth the words and pretend. We later found out she was autistic.

At one point a teacher threatened her with sitting in the library, researching and writing a long, complicated essay as an alternative to participation. She was bluffing, but my 7yo was thrilled to take the deal and wrote a really good essay.

You just need to figure out if this is nerves that you can manage the situation a bit or if it is something your child truly is not going to do.

So she's used to swimming, just not with school? As others have said, overcoming this is far more important than setting a precedent for don't like, Mummy will say I don't have to do.

Try some role playing, get to the root of the discomfort. If it's changing (which none of us liked to do but gone on with it) then tips how to wrap a towel round, maybe a couple of minutes after the others or a cubicle for a few sessions.

Sorry but the only outcome is she will most likely be teased unless she puts on her big girl pants/swimsuit.

Completely aware only aged 6 but this is a significant age to start to start to try to disperse fears, albeit gently, a bit at a time. Xx

However the earlier an issue can be explained and realised that the anticipation is worse than the event is positive for development.

Ofcourse you can excuse her from the lessons. My thoughts would br- What other scenarios of 'genuine fear' and 'sensory overload' will also lead to her being excused? Will you continue to do so throughout her childhood to where she becomes a young adult and can not cope with new situations?

I only speak from state school experience I don’t know how these things work in private school. But generally a class teacher will have PPA during the swimming lesson. If the swimming pool is onsite the class is usually split into 2 groups and 1 half stays with a cover supervisor whilst the class ta supports in swimming. You may find your child has to go and sit poolside for one of the sessions. Or repeat a lesson twice.

I’m not sure whether it’s the same for private schools but I worked as a TA in several primary schools and always had the non swimming group. There are lots of ways to get the children to get used to the water and they won’t be moved up to the next group until they are confident and ready. We had small groups, no more than 6 or 8 and were always on hand to help with getting changed if needed. Maybe you could have some private lessons too though?

She's 6 and can't swim yet. That's so dangerous. You so far have not taught her yourself or put her in lessons. This is a life skill that could literally save her life. My kids also hated (and I mean HATED) swimming lessons when small too, but they can now swim amazingly well.

I'm happy to read a reputable source on this but actually a lot of harm is done having age-inappropriate conversations about 'anxiety' when all that is actually going on is normal young childhood behaviours/feelings/ideas.

It matters very much if the school is private. Parents in private schools have a lot of say, especially full-fee paying ones.