Advice on having two children

[Baxton97]

Looking for advice from people who have multiple kids and how hard you found it going from one to two. I have a two year old and really want another child but I am terrified how difficult it would be. I really struggled to adjust to one but obviously nkw I love him and our routine so much it just felt like a hard transition. My heart tells me I want more but I'm just quite scared. I would love to hear people's experiences.

I have 3 children, my eldest is almost 13, middle is 3 and youngest 10 months. I didn’t find 1 to 2 difficult because my eldest being so much older the transition was quite easy. However - going from 2-3 and having a small gap has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. It’s not having 3 children that’s difficult per se but specifically my 2 little ones.

The first 4 months of my youngests life were dreadful and I feel terrible saying it but I just had a constant feeling of what the hell have we done. It didn’t help that he had colic and screamed constantly, I was getting 0 sleep between the baby and the toddler and just felt like I was failing everybody. As we creep closer to him turning 1 I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. At the end of the day these early years go by so quickly and it won’t always be this difficult (which is what I keep telling myself!)

Every baby and every parent is different, some
of my friends found having two little ones fairly straightforward and took to it so well, I am just not one of them unfortunately. However we have all survived so far we which is a good start.

My first didn't sleep either, fought it like he was going to die! My second loves a nap! They is 3 years between them! I'm so glad I had a 2nd!

3.5 years
Zero to one was extremely challenging. No freedom, sore breasts, life fundamentally changed. But a happy, easy and rewarding baby.
One to two, easy peasy, I'd learnt how to do it and the baby was a bit like an extra handbag, bundled into the buggy so we were never late for nursery. Baby two cried a lot and didn't sleep through the night until she was five. If baby two had been baby one, there moght not have been a baby two.

However as teenagers they reversed. Baby one became argumentative and challenging, baby two turned into a darling (with some wobbles).

By about 25 they had sorted themselves put.

I found it fairly easy going from one child to two. Our age gap is almost 4 years and dc1 was in full time nursery when dc2 was born, and then started school a few months later. I was able to have lots of one to one time with dc2 as a baby, going to lots of classes and activities requiring a sole carer like swimming lessons, massage and generally be entirely focused on them without the distraction of a toddler as well.

DH is with an employer who offers a long paternity leave (6 months), and we chose to live close to his office, so he always gets home in time for dinner, and I rarely have to juggle 2 young dcs for long on my own. We used to do bath and bedtimes with one child each so I didn't have to deal with it on my own and ignore one of them. I was able to bf both dcs for over 3 years each which really helped with bonding , sleep and keeping them regulated. I'd have found it much harder with a small age gap, or with a partner who got home after dcs bedtime or was off doing their sports every weekend. So a lot will depend on your lifestyle choices, not just number of dcs.

I didn't have an issue with sleep as I've never needed much sleep myself, it was always normal for me to fall asleep after 2am and then be up for 7am even before I had dcs.

Having a second child is great! Now my two are older things like holidays and days out are so much easier as they have each other to play with! The first three month are hard in my opinion but the joy and happiness they bring to each other is immense. I have boys and they are into the same things so I think I’m lucky as it’s so easy to please them both!

Postpartum was harder with my second. Until about 6/7 weeks I had this absolute intense guilt over my first. I have a 3y5m gap and our bond is amazing and tbh he adjusted better to his sister than I did. I just constantly thought about how she was stopping me spending time with him and I only really enjoyed her and bonded with her overnight when he was in bed. However once she started smiling, interacting that all went away and she’s 1 in a few weeks and I can’t believe I ever felt that way. Honestly best thing ever having 2. They are both so amazing together I feel like I could do at least 2 more but issues in pregnancy means I’m sticking at 2. I really haven’t found the transition if having 2 to look after hard at all and I do a lot of it solo as I’ve got a paramedic husband but I think that’s on the age gap I definitely couldn’t have gone much smaller I needed my son to have the level of independence he does.

@Meand2Ls yes to that guilt! All through my second pregnancy I was so excited but felt so bad that I would no longer be able to give him 100%. Also they look so much bigger when a baby comes along, you become tired & impatient then remember they are still so little themselves! He can’t remember her not being around now.

Harder going from zero to one than one to two. 23 years in, the single best part of parenting has been watching their relationship as they’ve grown together. They’re fairly close in age and the same gender though which has worked brilliantly.

I found out I was pregnant again on DC1's 2nd birthday. I actually found the baby stage easier second time round as I had low expectations of sleep etc. My oldest was cross with me for having another baby but never took it out on the baby and was very kind and gentle. The feeling was mutual - DC1 got the first smile from DC2 and I've got videos where the baby is roaring with laughter at the toddler.

Now they are older, they do bicker a lot, mainly because they know exactly how to push each others buttons, but they adore each other. They still play together and enjoy hanging out, even though DC1 starts secondary school next week.

I always say having a second child was the best thing I did, but they were and are very different to each other. DC1 was a grumpy baby, but a very happy toddler and broadly a fairly compliant child. DC2 was the happiest baby, an incredibly stroppy toddler and at 8, is a master at finding loopholes to carry on doing exactly what they want to do. Love them both though

Second child was so easy compared to first. Braced myself for more of the same but nope. Dd1 screamed all night dd2 just went to sleep. Dd1 wouldn’t take a bottle dd2 did without batting an eyelid. Dd was sweet and easygoing from day one.

As soon as dd2 about 2 they played beautifully together which made my life soooo much easier. Now they are older they have each other and apart from the odd bicker they get on very well. Would recommend.

I have two and second time round is definitely easier than first time round for many reasons but it also flies by a lot quicker than with the first - I guess because you don't really have the time to focus solely on them because you have the elder child too! There's 4.5 years between my two - it's not the age gap we originally wanted but it's worked out so well as my son (5) is independent and can get his own snacks/go to the toilet/entertain himself which is a huge help when dealing with a baby. And they absolutely adore each other! He's at the age where he can understand how to be gentle with her and to keep small choking hazards away from her (of which there are many due to Lego obsession) 🤣

Personally I found 1-2 much harder than 0-1. My first was a very ‘good’ baby, slept well, always cheerful etc albeit incredibly high energy and I seemed to just slot into the motherhood role really easily, it’s what I feel I’m made to do, whereas with my second, I found it hard to be exactly the mother I wanted to be to both. I have very high standards for myself and my parenting, too high perhaps (and I’m sure a therapist would have a lovely time delving into my shitty childhood for all the reasons why that is!) and it was hard to accept I couldn’t be everything to both of them all the time. It doesn’t really help that I do almost all my parenting solo. DH is wonderful and a great dad when he’s here but alas, not often here!

Plus my second was THE WORST sleeper, awake 4, 5+ times every single night for the first year, when suddenly a switch flipped, she slept through and has been good as gold since, but yea, parenting her and my then 3.5 year old on fuck all sleep was hard for sure.

With all that being said, I’ve never once even fleetingly thought a second was a bad idea. They adore each other, and I’m a sickeningly proud mother. They’re good kids, and it’s lovely watching them together and having double the fun and laughs with them.

The age gap worked well too I think, 3.5 years. Eldest understood it all better and was somewhat more independent, had long since been potty trained etc so that definitely made my life easier, for sure.

I found one easy, purely on the basis that we had the easiest child in the world! He never cried, was smiling from when he woke to when he went to sleep, he slept like a dream from 7-7 from around 4 months old and was just generally very laid back and low maintenance!

Then came my second… 😂 she was a colicky baby who cried a LOT, and solidly from 5-9pm every night for the first 8-10 weeks, she fed every 90 mins all day and all night so the sleep deprivation was insane. I struggled a lot when she was born and at times wondered what the hell we had done. I’ll be honest and say the first 3 months were absolutely hell, then it started to get a bit easier, and now fast forward to now when she is 14 months old and having two is the most amazing thing in the world. I can’t imagine life without either one of them and love seeing them grow up together

None to one was the hardest transition.
There's three years, three months between mine.
I was convinced I would never love a second child as much as my first and wasn't convinced I wanted a second child but id mad a deal with dh. Its funny your heart just grows and fills with love for each child . Im not going to lie ds2 was devil child for a few years but around 4 he flipped and became the most loving ,curious funny and kind boy and stayed that way into adulthood
Second child is now nearly 27 and is fabulous and really close to me.

I personally found it much, much easier than going from zero to one. I reckon if you struggled the first time it will be fine. The people who seem to find number 2 hard are the ones who had a v easy going first baby who just “slotted into their life” (whattt?!)

I’ve never been as sure as anything in my life as that I wanted a second child, so can’t really relate to the uncertainty. I now have 3 and feel incredibly lucky. It’s hard but imo anything worth doing in life is hard. I sometimes joke that my friends who are one and done are much smarter than us, and it’s true that their lives are pretty chilled in comparison to ours, but to be honest I don’t envy them at all.

I do think it depends on how supportive your partner is though. My husband is very, VERY hands on.

If I could do it again with the benefit of hindsight I might leave bigger gaps. 4.5 years between my oldest and youngest and it’s a great gap. There’s not as much rivalry.

1 to 2 was easier than zero to 1

1 to 2 was easier than zero to 1

I now have three and honestly I think how hard it is having another child depends their personality and yours.
Accept your house is going to be in a heap for first while as you prioritise your family, relationship and yourself. Something has to give.
I had two under two at once stage and absolute carnage but when you see them interact with each other. It’s incredible. Just fills me with joy.
Yes they fight but they tend to be forgotten about quickly. I don’t know if it’s luck or how we handle their rows.