Practical advice needed - DD's dad arrested

[CrazyHormoneLady]

My 4yo's dad was arrested today for (drunkenly) threatening someone with a weapon, then threatening police when they turned up. Armed police were involved and it looks like quite a serious incident.

DD usually spends every other Saturday night with him and every Sunday, which I'll immediately stop, even though he doesn't drink with her around. It sounds like he's been on a bender this weekend though, as me and DD are away on holiday with my family. The reason we split is because of his alcoholism (thankfully he wasn't violent or abusive to me or DD, but the drinking always caused chaos - this is extreme though).

I need practical advice on how to handle this with the relevant people. I've emailed social services to ask them for advice on what contact he might be allowed going forwards. Do I tell school about this? She's due to start reception in September.

She does love her dad and likes spending time there, but doesn't really ask much about him outside of that, refuses phone calls and wouldn't get particularly upset if I said her "daddy day" has been cancelled. I don't know what to say about why he can't see her if she asks though, as I don't want her to think he doesn't love her or anything, but telling her that he's in jail feels massively inappropriate. Any tips?

Sorry for ramble, my brain is a flurry of adrenaline as all this has come to light in the last couple of hours.

I would stop the visits and let him take you to court, then ask the court to insist on supervised visits or at a centre. Until he gets to grips with alcohol either through AA or therapy then he is not to be trusted.

Yes, talk to the school. They will be informed anyway because of operation encompass but they need to know about family situations and arrangements to support your dd. Best to be completely transparent. This sounds very hard on everyone.

Ok thank you, I'd be incredibly surprised if he took me to court, I always had to do any paperwork because he's severely dyslexic. The most likely outcome of that would be he'd drink himself into a miserable oblivion because I was "taking his daughter away". The mutual friend that told me of his arrest had seen him recently in a pub, he'd been drinking heavily and saying he just wants his family back 🙄 not enough to stop drinking and stop the chaos evidently.

A friend has gone through similar, social services recommended she enacted her parental rights and safeguarded the child.

It is then down to the Dad to go to court and gain access which will usually come with conditions.

I would also be careful if he gets out and wants access. You now know he is not a safe person and if you allow your child to see him, you aren't safeguarding your child, which can then cause social services to become concerned.

They made it very clear with my friend that if she didn't safeguard her child they would need to step in as both parents would be considered unsafe.

Thanks, I'll let the school know then! I'd definitely prefer to be transparent, that's why I emailed SS as soon as I found out. How I handle telling DD she's not going to be seeing her dad for an unknown amount of time, I don't know.

Thank you, I'm glad I can say this to him then. He'll just have to go through courts and find someone else to do the paperwork for him.

Make sure the school know he is banned from collecting her and his wider family too if you previously had him down as a contact.

Ok thanks for this, I'll tell them. His family aren't on the named list anyway and they'd likely be on my "side" in this situation (also they live outside the UK so unlikely to come and fetch her!), but I'll still tell school.

Previous child mental health professional here . First well done for recognising and ending a relationship with someone who brings chaos . You have tried to maintain a relationship between your child and their father but his behaviour has spiked and you know he is not a safe option at the moment. Regarding what she needs to know , the truth without judgement . She will have felt the chaos you mentioned and telling her daddy has made a mistake which means he has to be away to get help , this means he can’t look after anyone else including her but when he’s doing better she can see him . ?
yes I would tell school , she may talk about not seeing her daddy and the more they know the better they can support her .
she’s in no immediate danger because you have kept her safe and remember it’s his behaviour that’s caused this and you have nothing to be worried about . Contacting SS is also a good idea .
you sound like a great mum x

My friends was a bit more complicated than yours as he was aggressive and physically abusive towards the child (dragged her by the arms a couple of times). All of this is related to his drinking.

However, I would say the same principles apply as he's obviously been aggressive to a several people plus the police and his drinking is out of control.

Depending on how volatile he is, you might want to email him and set out that you are not withdrawing access completely. But safeguarding your child whilst he gets suitable support and help for his alcohol abuse.

Make sure that you make notes of your decision-making process in case he does decide to take you to court.

Also you can email to social services that you have decided to enact you parental rights and safeguard your child that way there's a record.

Not that it sounds like he will do much and even if he does it will take him a good year to get a date.

Drinking himself into oblivion as opposed to seeing this as the wake up call it should be and changing his ways so he can reestablish trust and see his daughter again, is just further evidence that he’s unfit to have her in his care.

Thanks everyone, I tried to get some sleep and failed miserably. Really appreciate all the advice and your lovely message @meandyouplustwo 🙏🏻

I used AI to see how long he might be held for, it could be around 6 months minimum as he was threatening the police with a crossbow which is a lethal weapon. Just mind-blowing. His dog is in police kennels so I will have to take her on at least temporarily (although can't get her whilst I'm away on holiday) - she was "our" dog when we were together so I can't knowingly let the police keep her in kennels without feeling tremendous guilt at the thought of her in there.

He's done this in the middle of my dad being severely ill with cancer too, so I was using my one child free day a week to visit my dad in hospital, as it's not really a great place for DD to visit. I'll have to take unpaid leave instead.

Utter, utter prat (understatement of the year).

I've emailed school this morning to tell them about the incident and to take his name off the "safe people" list, and texted my ex's mum to let her know what's happened. She's read it but hasn't replied yet.

Next step is contact police to find out where the dog is so I can pick her up when I'm back and I also need to work out what to do about his home (which is still owned 50% by me - I'll need access to get dog related paraphernalia).

I'm so sick of dealing with the fallout from his chaos. If there wasn't an animal and my property involved, I'd be happy about him being locked up for a few months so I can get some peace. But no, he gets to sit in a cell whilst I squirrel away doing life admin on what was a much needed holiday.

Your dd is really lucky to have you op, You've stayed calm and sorted all that out in just a few hours. I'd have fallen apart and not known where to start.

I don't know if you've decided what to say to dd but I think the best thing is not to do an outright lie. I'd say "your dad has got himself into a bit of trouble that he needs to sort out so he won't be able to see you for a while".

I have sympathy because I have extended family members who seemed to bring drama on themselves like this, including one with a short prison stay

Hi - I had an alcohol problem and I stopped drinking completely because my DH asked me to. It’s possible and your ex is simply making excuses to himself to feel better about choosing alcohol over his daughter. He has made his decision, you don’t need to pander to him anymore, you need to put DD safety first and he isn’t safe to have her if he can drink like that and get out of control.

I'd be really careful with the message "if only he loved his daughter enough, he'd stop drinking". If your dd ever gets wind of that idea, at any age, it could really mess her up. Even if you agree with it.

I don't think it's true, anyway. I think some people just have really weak characters and have no self control. He probably does love his dd and miss her very much, but he's also a weak and dangerous man and she's safer kept away from him. They can both be true

Thanks again everyone. I've not heard any more news as he hasn't nominated me or his mum as his "nominated person". In some ways that's good as I've done everything I can do this end in terms of emailing the school and social services, although I'm a bit sad about the dog as I know she'll be very stressed in kennels. I can't go and get her without being the nominated person, so it's completely out of my hands.

I'm torn between telling DD now whilst we're on holiday or when we get back, as she starts school when we're back and it feels like a lot going on for her in a short space of time if I wait until we get home. I've also got my mum and her partner here on holiday with me so they can support us both with any upset - I suspect DD won't have a big emotional response to the news, but then her behaviour might become more difficult so it's probably easier to tell her whilst we're here.

I'm hoping to soften the blow a bit by saying her Daddy says are now going to be extra special Mummy days until Daddy can see her again, and I'll reserve them for doing stuff she loves like going swimming or something.

Surely there's no need to say anything until she asks? And if she does just keep it neutral such as he's away at the moment but will see her when he can.

Edit
by saying her Daddy says are now going to be extra special Mummy days until Daddy can see her again, and I'll reserve them for doing stuff she loves like going swimming or something.

Goodness me no. When he comes back she won't want to see him as she'll have to stop doing something she loves, she will be torn between both and that'snot healthy for a 5yr old. It could be misconstrued as deliberate parental alienation.

Ok, I won't do that, I was just thinking of ways to soften the blow. It was more doing stuff like swimming or to the library (which we do anyway, just not normally on Sundays) rather than trips to Disneyland. She's unlikely to see him for a minimum of 6 months now, potentially up to 3.5 years according to AI analysis of the charges (they've been published in a local paper). Although I don't know if he'd actually serve that. Plus he'll have to apply to the courts for access anyway, which means it'll take time.

I'm really sorry that you are having to deal with this whilst on holiday (or at all).
If alcohol makes your ex threaten police officers with a (did you say) crossbow, then he does need to stay away from it. I know thats easy for me to say.
I take it he has been remanded pending a trial?
I'm sure the dog will be pleased to see you.
Take care x

This is from AI but the references seem to check out.

Explain the arrest honestly using simple words, focusing on safety and reassuring the child that they are loved and not at fault.

What to Say

• Use simple words: Say, "The police took [Parent's Name] to a special place called a jail or police station."
• State the reason simply: Say, "They made a bad choice or broke a rule/law, and the police need to figure things out."
• Focus on safety: Say, "You are safe, and you are taken care of."

Key Messages for a 6-Year-Old

• It is not your fault: Tell the child clearly, "This is an adult problem. You did nothing wrong."
• They are still loved: Say, "Even though [Parent's Name] is not here right now, they still love you very much."
• Keep the routine: Tell them what comes next. Say, "You will stay here with me today, and we will go to school tomorrow."

Tips for the Conversation

• Keep it short: Six-year-olds have short attention spans. Give basic facts and wait for their questions.
• Expect big feelings: The child might cry, get angry, or act like they do not care. All of these reactions are normal.
• Stick to the truth: Do not lie about where the parent is. Lies cause more fear and confusion later if the truth comes out.

Did he keep the cross-bow in the home? Does he have access to any more weapons?

I think with regards to your daughter I wouldn’t mention anything until she asks about him, she’s going to be pretty preoccupied with the holiday and then school.

You can tell her more down the line when you know more.

Who’s name is the dog registered in? You may be able to do something there when you get home with the police if your vet holds ownership confirmation.

Try and enjoy the rest of your holiday and well done on getting out of the relationship.

Well I was in the process of writing a reply to a couple of people on here when I received a call from a HMP number - it was him. So I'm his nominated person now, which means I can go and get the dog when I get home, but there's a long old list of stuff I need to sort out now like securing his motorbike and some other property, getting his bank cards, fetching the dog etc. It's so overwhelming - my original plan for when I got back from holiday was to visit my dad in hospital and make sure DD is all set up and rested for her first week in school. He was supposed to have her on the bank holiday Monday so I could do a few bits more efficiently too. What a mess.

The other thing is child maintenance, as I guess he's lost his job now. I'll have to look into that. He needs paying as well, as he can't access his account from prison. Once his money runs out, does he get some sort of an allowance?! I'll look into it of course but just another thing to add to the pile.

I don't know how I've not crumbled over this, maybe it's the shock or maybe it's years of dealing with this kind of shit (albeit on a much, much smaller scale). Anyone know a good therapist?? Ha...

Hi everyone, thanks again for your help and advice. I probably won't be replying again to posts as my brother called me this morning to say my dad passed away in hospital overnight. It's been a whirlwind few days to say the least - I feel like I've been hit around the head with a cricket bat. I can't believe my ex has put me in this position, but now the dog and his possessions are much lower on the priority list as I need to go home to support my brother as he's on his own.

Could you say he has to go away for work? Personally I’d avoid court if you can. It’s crazy expensive, stressful, and could permanently destroy your relationship with your ex. What’s your relationship like with him? If you don’t mind being around him when he’s not drinking, could you invite him to come spend time with your dd every other Sunday at your house? That way you can keep an eye on him while getting on with household chores or whatever.