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Original poster

Do you love the second child as much?

68 replies

cornflakegirl · 27/06/2008 23:05

I have one DS aged 3. Would quite like another child, but slightly worried that I might not love another one as much as I love DS. DH and I are still besotted with him (most of the time ), and regularly share "isn't he fantastic" moments. Would we feel the same way about another one?

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handlemecarefully · 27/06/2008 23:46

(that was addressing StressTeddy's remark)

colditz · 27/06/2008 23:47

i asked ds1 what he would do if he could send ds2 back to the hospital. he gacve it a moment's thought and said "Er, keep him."

Psychomum5 · 27/06/2008 23:48

you might find you love DH less tho.....

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handlemecarefully · 27/06/2008 23:49

lol, damn straight!

Oblomov · 27/06/2008 23:50

What happens if your first child is a little sweetie. And then you get the devil child. Surely you can't love them as much if they are not as nice as your first child ?
This is what I am scared of.

handlemecarefully · 27/06/2008 23:54

Well children don't tend to fall into categories of nasty little bugger and sweet darling angel

Ds drives me absolutely to distraction sometimes but then does / says the most endearing things. Likewise dd. They all have the most loveable characteristics

Oblomov · 27/06/2008 23:58

actually handlemecarefully, I disagree.
Not just re children.
Ds is very sweet natured. Don't get me wrong, sometimes he is a little git and drives me to distraction, but I think that is more me than him
But some children are more endearing than others. And some are orrible little sods.
Also adults too. There is a lady at my work. I like to consider her a frined. She is the most beautiful caring person, I think I know.
Some people are actually not that nice. Adults and children.
What happens if yoyu get a very sweet natured first child. Then a second child who in their nature is really not that pleasant ?

slim22 · 28/06/2008 00:00

Oblomov, that will only happen if you put yourself in that frame of mind iykwim?

For example,DD ( 8weeks) is a colicky baby whereas DS was doing nights very early.
It does not make her a difficult baby unless I persuade myself that the little bugger is a challenging baby/bad sleeper.
I know it's just a phase,- exhausting- but just a phase.

Amphibimum · 28/06/2008 00:01

of course you bloody will, you dope

slim22 · 28/06/2008 00:02

Well we can't get along with just everyone.
I suppose it works re children too........but I still think the parent has to make extra efforts to find a level of communication and enjoyment.

MsDemeanor · 28/06/2008 00:02

Someone on this site (not me) once wrote rather brilliantly: "When you have another child, it's not like you have to take another slice of love out of the same pie, it's more that someone gives you a whole new pie."
And that's absolutely the truth. A whole new pie.

slim22 · 28/06/2008 00:03

lovely

Oblomov · 28/06/2008 00:03

o.k. slim, persuade me.
How do I stop myself worrying that second child will be more difficult, than first, who was , with hindsight, very easy.

Are you sure that it is not actually a fact that your second child is a more difficult baby than your first. Is it wrong to admit that ? Or how exactly to you make yourself not see it that way ?

Or have you ever met a family where one child was very sweet. And the other wasn't as nice ?

Oblomov · 28/06/2008 00:05

Is it just me being paranoid and looking at it all wrong then ?

MsDemeanor · 28/06/2008 00:05

You absolutely cannot compare your thoughts about some random woman at work to your feelings about your own child. it's not even remotely similar.
YOu think like that because a hypothetical child is one you can be dispassionate about. Once you actually have a child in your arms, you stop being a disinterested observer and just get on with loving them. They are simply beautiful and amazing to you in a way they cannot be to others.

StressTeddy · 28/06/2008 00:06

but I really have observed this - all of my friends (without exception) seem to love their 2nd more than their 1st.

Niecie · 28/06/2008 00:07

No child is an angel all the time and no child is a little git all the time. Mine take it in turns!

Besides by the time your realise they are not that nice, it is too late, you already love them. And if they aren't that nice, surely partly that is down to you and your relationship with the child and the way you perceive them and their behaviour.

Psychomum5 · 28/06/2008 00:08

do you have many (very loved) family members???

if someone threatened them when all were in your home, who would you chose???

it will be the same with your children......you will fall as hard for the second as you did for your first (as indeed, as you did for your DP/DH).

it may take time, it may not be as 'hard' to start with, but truly, you will feel it....especially when they tuck into you and give that grin meant only for their mummy.

Amphibimum · 28/06/2008 00:09

ob, second child may be more difficult. mine was. but i didnt love him less. just wasnt a factor. and before he was born, i spose i wondered how id love anyone as much as my pfb, and when he was born i did think 'oh poor you, youre not as pretty as my pfb' but it disappears. its like msdemeanor says; a whole new pie.

and im pretty sure that no matter what your disposition, being thought of as a difficult devil child by your own mother before youre even a month or two old would make anyone behave 'difficultly'.

look, you'll just have to trust us mothers of more that you'll love no2 as much as no1, ok? its a human fucking being that you produced from your own body fgs, im sure you'll find something to like

colditz · 28/06/2008 00:09

You've got weird friends, ST.

but also, sometimes you have to be stricter with the older child, as they need boundaries setting that are not appropriate fro the younger child

Amphibimum · 28/06/2008 00:12

ST - maybe youre projecting? i cant see that being a universal truth somehow

Oblomov · 28/06/2008 00:13

I am sorry. I think I am just very worried. Maybe worried I won't cope.
You are all helping.
Sorry. Maybe feeling very emotional and hormonal right now.

slim22 · 28/06/2008 00:15

Oblomov, I'm sooooooooo in love with DS I had exactly that fear when pregnant.

Also we have complicated relationship with trio me/mother/sister. so I really had cold sweats thinking about how I would love DD when pg.

She's now 8 weeks and true I did not bond immediately because I was "mourning" my close relationship with DS and missed him dearly when constantly feeding/co-sleeping/cuddling DD.

But no we just all cuddle up and I have that feeling described above where you re-live all the stages with n.2 and your heart wells up all over again and IT IS a whole you new pie to devour

The challenging moments, well you have to admit they are just that. if you persuade yourself it's the child rather that the situation that is difficult, you are bound to give yourself ( and the poor child) a rough start.

Amphibimum · 28/06/2008 00:16

really? couldnt tell

TRUST ME you'll love him/her to bits. he/she will NOT be the devil child and he/she WILL wrap themselves around your heart just as tightly as your pfb has done. congratulations btw

colditz · 28/06/2008 00:18

Ob, I felt just like this when pregnant with ds2.

An he is harder work in some ways, he requires constant interaction, which ds1 preferred NOT to have. But he DOESN'T require constant monitoring, which ds1 had to have at that age.

They love each other so much, and I love them both. Having another one can actually give you some perspective on how old the first is - when I had ds2, ds1 was suddenly allowed to do all these things previously banned - because I looked at him with new eyes and saw how huge and capable and independent he really was.

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