Room issues with blended family

[ZoeNewell1993]

Me and my fiance have been together for 11 years. When I met him he had a daughter from a past relationship who comes every other weekend and half of the holidays. She's now 15 years old. We have a 4 year old together and live in a two bedroom house. One of the rooms are ours and the other is hers. My son has a cotbed at the bottom of her bed and nothing else in the rooms is his, all his toys etc are in the living room. He sleeps in there but every other weekend and half of the holidays we move the cotbed into our room unsettling him everytime.

We approached the subject of the room being shared, or at least allowing him to have some toys etc in there, but she kicked off and said she wouldn't visit, this was 2 years ago so we left it as it was. He is now starting school and hasn't got a room of his own or a space to call his. My partner doesn't want to change it as its her room and we would be moving her out of it or making her share.

Now I agreed a 15 year old needs her own space but she's dictating our home when she has a room at her mums house where she lives the majority of the time. Ive suggested giving our little boy the room and giving her our bedroom every time she is here completely to herself but my partner wants to make it so my little boy has his toys etc and space with a bed they both share and when she is here he is moved into our room with a pull out bed and she then has the bed with her bedding etc and the room each time.

As much as I feel this could work I feel our son who lives here permanently should have his own room and unfortunately until we can move, which we are trying too, she will need to have our space, i still feel this is a compromise but one im willing to make to keep every happy, only thing is she still isn't happy and causing such a rift we've almost separated.

Am I being unreasonable or are there any better solutions im missing?

How big are both bedrooms?
Would the biggest one be big enough to split in two, and you and F take the smaller room?

They are both big, but we can't put a proper wall up and when we've discussed like kallax ikea split type thing she does not want to share the space and says he will annoy her and bother her. So each time the suggestion is to move him out when she's here.

I wouldn’t be happy with that at all. He’s with you all the time and it seems like he’s just getting shoved out everytime she comes when she has her own room at mums where she is the majority. He deserves to have his own space with his own toys and he’s younger so routine without disruption is important. At 15 she’s old enough to be sleeping on a pull out bed and I think she’s being very selfish

Normally I’m sympathetic to the step child/ children who need to feel welcome in the non-resident parent’s home. But you’ve only gone on to have one child together, and there must be a reasonable solution here somewhere.

So I’d talk to her as an adult. She has two bedrooms her brother has none. Here are the options (current status not one of them) which does she prefer.

It's his house all the time. She doesn't get to dictate. I like the idea of moving out of yours when she's with you as the least worst. He needs stability.

I think your DH’s suggestion makes the most sense unfortunately. Yes your DS deserves his own space but equally you can’t expect a 15yo to either share with a 4yo or sleep in her parents’ bedroom. It wouldn’t be her space, you would be in and out of there.

Could it be redecorated as a shared space, with 2 beds, on the understanding that when she isn’t there DS gets to use it completely but when she is there your DS still sleeps in your room?

This is where ive been careful as I dont want her to feel unwelcome or not come but equally I feel everyone else is making sacrifices but not her.

Your suggestion is the most workable.

He needs his own bedroom. Stability is extremely important for a young child. Starting school is a big change and he needs stability at home to help him manage the big change with going to school. Moving him every other weekend and holiday does not give him the stability he needs.

Did you discuss this before or while you were pregnant?
What did he have to say about it then?

I agree, I'm quite anxious about him starting school and not being settled.

We did but our plan was always to move by the time he was one and they would each have their own room, unfortunately with Covid, the cost of living etc we haven't been able too so we're stuck.

Is moving realistic on your current finances and something that will happen in the next few months, or is that a financial goal for the future?

How long do you expect it to be?

If it will take three years or longer, she’ll be 18 by then anyway and it’s not ideal but realistic not to have a permanent room at your place then at all.

Why did he have a second child and never plan to let that child, who only has one home, have his own room? Guilt at being the NRP to his older child is not a good reason.

We are hoping to move within the year at the latest.

You r partner needs to do more hours at work to be able to house both of his children..

She can handle it for a year.

It’s an important year with GCSEs but it’s important for him too, and he’s been moving fortnightly for almost his entire life to accommodate her. She needs to now deal with this room arrangement to accommodate him.

She has to see that life isn’t perfect and you have to work with the finances you’ve got.

Hes had a promotion and we both work really long hours. We are able to afford to move to a three bedroom but there needs to be an immediate change as he starts school next month. Even if temporary etc but something needs to change.

Why wasn’t this planned for before though? Now it’s a rush.

Do you own or rent?

Because its caused lots of arguments and I never wanted to push it and her choose not to come. I wanted it to be when he was comfortable but unfortunately he hasn't acted and now ive had to make it happen so to speak. It has been planned for years but he hasn't followed through.

We part buy part rent with lots of restrictions and alot of money to put up front to move which has been the problem but now we are in a place to be able to put the house up for sale in the next few months.

Since it is temporary can you and your husband move to the living room when she visits?

I would set her up a temp bedroom in living room. She’s old enough to understand. She has her own bedroom at her mums house. Your son deserves his own bedroom.

But you said you have just said can afford to move. It needs to be the priority. If you can afford to move as you’ve said you can, then move. If your step daughter knows a move is imminent, she may accept sharing temporarily. Or you can just keep things how they are knowing the move is imminent and it’ll be fine for a short time. As you have said you can afford to move, you could be moved in a few months if a sale is quick and definitely if you rent, .

Sofa bed. Wall hung desk so it can be stowed away when she’s not there.

I can’t believe you have both allowed your 4 year old to become second best in your home. You’ve allocated a room to a child who is not with you much and put her needs ahead of your 4 year olds. My 4 year old loves his bedroom and has it decorated how he wants and is very proud of it.
You need to stop being emotionally bullied by a 15 year old who isn’t there much. Make the room his and have a bed in there for her. Ultimately this is his home. It’s not okay that she has two bedrooms (one at mums and one at dads) and your child has none. Come on, it’s time for a change.

You re not unreasonable.
You and partner move to living room and give your room to your child....it'll add impetus to moving.
Either upgrade your house or move to a cheaper area to get an extra bedroom...but you re right something's got to give.

We are shared ownership and im sorry but when has it taken a few months to move. We can move but these things take time and with a child starting school he needs space whether the move is soon or not.

If she doesn’t have her own bed, it ceases to be her home.

How do you solve the very real space constraints? I have no idea.

It’s disingenuous to say the teen is being unreasonable to feel she is no longer welcome if she loses her bed and her privacy.