’ve been told My 6 y/o son has used very sexually explicit words at school, but the situation is odd. Any Insight please?

[justhereokay]

I’ve been told My 6 y/o son has used very sexually explicit words at school, but the situation is odd. Any Insight please?

Wednesday my ds class teacher pulls me aside at pickup, saying today at school he has said something quite serious, of a sexual nature. And it’s been reported to head/deputy head and they will tell me about it.

So when we get home, I reassure him he’s not in trouble and I won’t be cross, what happened today? He said I don’t want to tell you. So I just reassured him again, and said you can talk to mummy if you want to. Tucking him into bed he says he wants to tell me what he said today. He said he said to another child , “I’m going to eat [TA’s name ]bum bum” and the other child told said TA. I felt quite reassured, of course not appropriate, but it sounds like the sort of “toilet talk” he would come out with. I reminded him about appropriate language and private areas. I did think they are overreacting. As I said, no he shouldn’t say that, but I don’t think it’s unusual for a 6 year old to come out with. Poo, wee, fart, butt etc are amusing at that age. He also said something similar to me a few days before. “ I’m going to eat your arms mummy; I’m going to eat your head mummy , I’m going to eat your bum bum! “

Today I get a call , and I’m told he did not say that, he was pulled aside by the TA and TA asked my son “ did you say I want to lick [ta name] bum hole to (child)?” apparently my son responded with “ no i said lick arse hole”. I told her he said the phrase “eat bum bum ” to the child, which we agreed is far more normal for his age and very different to what is reported. She also said my son said the same thing to her. She will clarify with the teacher(s) about what was said. I said I really don’t think those words are in his vocabulary, and really not the sort of thing he’d say, I’ve never heard it before. He doesn’t have a tablet, phone, access to the internet. But I guess kids can pick anything up from others. I’m not dismissing it entirely, it’s a serious phrase and it worries me, but I feel it’s not the sort of thing my son would say.

I don’t know if I’ve handled it properly, I’ve tried to tread carefully but I also want to understand where this language around sexual actions is coming from. Without putting words in his mouth. After school, I ask him open ended, about what happened. He has the same response. I ask if he said anything else, or another word that may have been not appropriate. He was adamant he said bum bum. I asked if he’s ever heard the word arsehole. (bear in mind he is aware of other words that are swear words, but he doesn’t use them) . He was confused and said “what is that?”. I asked if he’s ever said it before, he said no. I asked if he said it on that day he said no, I only said a rude word which is bum bum. His response seemed very genuine and that word was alien to him. He said “ oh I said the f word with my friend when I was in reception “. He was trying to be honest and open. He also said the TA put him in time out for saying that.

I believe my son, but I understand kids can be honest but still misremember, or get confused. But his account has been very consistent multiple times to me and the head. Sounds super out of character. He has some disruptive and hyperactive behaviour at school but this is the first I’ve heard of such a phrase from him, ever.

It’s either
A) he did say it
B) there’s been a serious miscommunication somewhere

Either outcomes are stressing me out.

Probably won’t hear from the school till Monday.

Tia 😩

From what you've said it sounds like the TA has paraphrased and should be spoken to about relaying information factually.

Your son has said the same thing to you and another member of staff? I would believe him. Do you know what the boy who told the TA originally said? That could be where the discrepancy lies.

This was a possibility in my mind. If so, it’s a very serious discrepancy which has caused me so much worry

No, he just said “he’s my friend”. But the thing is in the report TA is saying this is what my son said directly to him when asked if he said it.

Obviously they have to look into it for safeguarding reasons . I get your anxiety tho op . Kids are kids and they do know alot more words than we think they know from peers etc . Bottom line (pardon the pun) these things are prob a everyday occurrence in schools and 9/10 won't be any sinister reason for it . Just try to enjoy your weekend you know their is no sinister reason for him saying it it's primary age kids being silly

They need to look into it.

i used to work in a primary school as a TA and there were various children who were allowed to watch all kinds with no restrictions and some of the language they used (and that the other children then picked up) was breath taking.

i’m sure the parents of the children who copied what their friend was saying would have said it wasn’t in their vocabulary as well!

My issue isn’t with them looking into it. I WANT them to. If he has said it, I want to be certain it’s simply language copied from another peer.

but he’s certain he hasn’t and his story is consistent.

Try not to worry

can you write what you write here in an email and email the school now so they yave it to read first thing Monday

its very clear reading your explanation its a miss communication rather than a serious safeguarding incident

remind your son about his language and private areas again and let school know youve had that conversation with him twice and im sure that will be the end of the matter

try not to fret

I work with children and have been involved in many safeguarding investigations.

i would be more inclined to believe a child who is being honest about what they said to various different adults and seemed genuinely unaware of the origin of the accusation word.

Plus I wouldn’t be shocked about any 6yo stating they are going to eat someone, or using the word bum. Obviously together they don’t create a great picture but 6yos aren’t known for connecting the dots between words and actions.

It’s not that unusual for six year olds to pick up adult swearwords. Obviously school has to investigate because there are, sadly, small children who have had those words used to them by abusers.

School staff have to be very specific about recording what children have said. It would be an incompetent or unhinged TA who reported “arsehole” when the child said “bum bum” although the concept of licking an anus would still need to be investigated.

One of the key messages in safeguarding is that we should never assume abuse doesn’t happen in the homes (or extended family homes/friends’s homes) of certain families, say, vicars, doctors, nurses.

Most of the time it’s because the child has overheard something like “opinions are like arseholes, we all have them” or “what an arsehole” and worked out the meaning. It doesn’t mean anything sinister has happened or that DC’s remark was anything other than normal 6 year old play. It does have to be looked into, though. Just in case.

I wouldn’t worry about it too much, these things happen.

If a child is denying dating anything at all then it raises greater alarm bells because it indicates they are hiding something.

I agree - but I’m a very old teacher and remember the days when a child saying their stepdad touches them in bed at night were dismissed as “they make up stories” and we wouldn’t want to be back in those days. It’s upsetting for families to be told that an innocent remark is being investigated, though.

I reckon it’s the TA paraphrasing and making it sound worse.

Same thing happened when my son a similar age when a TA had reported my son said something racist (highly unlikely as we are the most anti racist family you could meet) - turned out something had been totally miscommunicated by the the TA

Remember when the young child was referred to Prevent because he said or wrote that he lived in a terraced house and someone thought it was a terrorist house?

The TA specifically said that when she questioned him, he unprompted said 'arsehole'?

That would really concern me, OP. Unless there is any chance that the TA is lying, which seems unlikely? Then either he's lying to you because he thinks he's in trouble for the rude word, or he's lying to you because he's ashamed of how he knows that action.

I'd probably give NSPCC a call for some guidance on how to talk to him about it.

But when I asked him as I said he was like “what?” “Huh? Like genuine confusion. He repeated the word back but said it wrong too. So from that He’s never even heard the word arse hole before , let alone telling someone they want to lick theirs. Unless he was lying or pretending. But I know him it really didn’t appear that way, at all.

and then he went on to tell me he said “fuck” in reception when I asked if he said different words. He was trying to be honest.

TA is a he btw. Don’t think it’s relevant but everyone is saying she

Well he certainly knows the word arsehole now that you asked him if he’s ever said it before.

"He’s never even heard the word arse hole before , let alone telling someone they want to lick theirs. Unless he was lying or pretending"

You can't really know that. It's possible he heard it from a kid at school who got it at home from parents with no boundaries or (another kid at school with) an older sibling or similar. He won't obviously really understand what it means.

Is it possible that he now realises it's a bad word or worried he could be in trouble and changing words to ones he has used before?

Generally teachers and tas are trained to record incidents and phrases used verbatim and NoT paraphrase. It's hard to see how bum bum and arsehole could be mistaken or misheard for the other

Noooooo you don’t talk to him about it. Talking about it is going to make it more confusing for the professionals who may need to unpick what’s going on. As much as you want to clear up what you see as a misunderstanding you need to take a step back.

The school need to establish if the TA has repeated verbatim exactly what was said. I’m a little surprised the head needed to check t at because it should be clarified at the time the report was made.

( former child abuse investigator here… too many attempts to ascertain the same information will be detrimental going forward so stop discussing it but make a note of anything he says of this nature unprompted and see what happens Monday )

That’s the least of my worries. Thanks so much for your insight

Did you see the part where I recommended getting guidance? She can't NOT talk to him about it, there's going to be the bare bones of 'so and so wants to chat to us after school' or whatever, she needs guidance from professionals for all of it.

I also worked in a related field 🙄 hence recommending a layperson seek informed guidance.

She’s already talked to him and asked him a load of questions ( including leading questions ). She doesn’t need to ask him anything else. With the best will in the world it’s not her job to ascertain what’s happened.

Why would the TA ask your child a leading question?
If a child says another child said something, the TA should check with the reporting child "was that the words they used?" Then ask an open question "what did you say? What words did you use?"
Then CPOMs it and refer to Head of Safeguarding.
It could be the second kid paraphrasing (and possibly stirring). Who knows. There's an awful lot of foul language being used, and there are tiktoks where big kids get little kids to say bad words.

But for him to be confused and mis pronounce the word he said “ what is ours hole?”, to cover up would be pretty extreme. I asked him 2 days after the incident if he’s ever heard the word before. It appeared clear he’d never heard it

Oh don’t get me wrong I absolutely would be investigating and couldn’t care a jot if that upsets anyone.

However a child who isn’t denying saying “X” but denies the version the adult reports is more likely IME or be telling the truth (adults tend to naturally put their adult thoughts onto the child’s words)

Id have more alarm bells of an adult said “child said X” and the child completely denied this.

OP sorry this is upsetting but they are doing the right thing investigating.
tbh I would stop asking your ds about it now or he’ll get confused and may start changing his reporting of events. It’s natural for a child to change their story if questioned repeatedly about the same thing as they automatically assume the adult wants a different answer because they are answering wrong.