Should I explain her absent father before she starts school?

[ThatFairPeachTraybake]

Hi I’m a single parent to a four year old girl and we have no contact with father since birth. His choice!
She has never asked about him and has male role models in her life. She understands concepts of daddy and knows her cousin has a daddy but never asked about her dad.
As she starts school soon do you think I should tell her in an age appropriate way that’s she does have a dad but he has no contact. Thanks!

I would leave it until she asks.

I'd let the school know that for father's day she will be making a card for grandad or uncle or whoever rather than dad. But other than that I'd wait for her to ask.

Definitely let the school know so that they can be prepared for events like Father's Day etc. But other than that I don't think you need to bring it up with her unless she asks.

I have no direct experience of this, but just comparing to what you'd do for an adopted or donor conceived child - it would probably better to be open about it in simple terms before she asks, so it's not a big thing.

I wouldn’t say anything I think most kids these days understand other children come from different types of family’s. It’s much more normal. If she comes home ask asks then is the time to discuss. Things like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day in schools are more like ‘make a card for a special grown up’ this is my experience anyway it’ll probably differ school to school.

In our school, the first term topic was all about me and my family. So she'll have likely have chance to tell her teacher all about who she lives with and who is in her family as part of that anyway. There was nothing about Father's Day at DD's school. I dont think they cover father's day or mother's day anymore.

I agree with this. If someone asks her at school where her dad is or if her dad’s dead it would be helpful if she already had the words to talk about her family.

You wouldn’t want her to feel like anything was wrong or that she should make something up either.

I think it’s better if you can get ahead of it.

I’d wait until she asks. Unless the class sizes at her school are exceptionally small, it’s unlikely that she will be the only one.

I still remember even in my primary school class many years ago (28 children) there was someone in foster care, someone who’s mum had sadly died, and multiple others who either had an absent parent, step parents, some lived with just dad, some lived with just mum etc

Potentially becoming naturally aware that lots of children have non-conventional home lives will make for an easier conversation when she does inevitably ask.

I had exactly the same situation. We discussed that any handmade fathers days cards etc were written to Grandad. School were very understanding

It’s been twenty years since I asked myself the same question and this is what I did..
I told his class teacher.. No making Father’s Day cards etc, grandads day instead (he wasn’t alone in this)
I used to make up little story books for my son when he was this age about all sorts of stuff. I did one that explained that some children don’t have a daddy that sees them but that it didn’t matter because they had a mum and grandparents etc etc that loved them very much. I still made it child interesting by adding a duck and a slide to the story. No idea if this was how you should deal with these situations but he is 24 now and seems to have turned out well adjusted and happy.

I've never had a full blown conversation with dc about absent dad however I drip fed information as it was relevant/cropped up naturally. For example talking about how we decided on names I said 'you were named after your dad's dad' or if reading a book 'that family is the same/different to ours isnt it?'. So dc always knew and overtime asked questions but never had a bombshell moment of it being a big thing (its just normal to dc). I've also never lied but always made it age appropriate. Dc is an adult now and says it was never a big thing for them.
I'd just drip feed when appropriate, don't make it a big thing.
Definitely tell the teachers this helped dc when they discussed families (things like who they look like or who lives at home), made father's day cards and in year 2 they did about family trees.

Personally I’d slip it into conversation in a matter of fact way before she asks, rather than have even a short time of her wondering. I think you’ll find as she gets older the questions will come, but keep it simple and positive for now.

Having experienced something that could have affected my young children, I was told to discuss these things early on. Do not wait to be asked. The older the child gets the more difficult the conversation it.

Wait until she asks is fine IME. They do ask some time around this age. But have your explanation prepared because it's tricky if you're caught off guard.

I think for DS1 I said something like it's a very big important job to be a Daddy and he wasn't ready to do it so he didn't.

Sories can really help here eg https://www.amazon.co.uk/Do-Have-Daddy-Story-Single-Parent/dp/1885356633# I don't know whether this one will be a good fit for your child's situation so worth looking at a few to get the right fit). You can then introduce the concept through the story of another child, and then that's a reference point when you are ready to talk about her father.

My daughter is donor conceived and I have talked to her about needing two ingredients to make a baby, and that someone very kindly gave their ingredient to a doctor who mixed them together and helped make her. We use more technical language now she's almost 8 but she has never asked about the donor as a person.

I also had a couple of picture books about different family set ups and she has a friend who has two mums so she gets the concept of different family structures.

I mentioned it to her reception teacher when they did the home visit, but she still asked at the end of the year whether her father needed a copy of the school report. Considering my daughter never mentioned him, he had never been seen, and he wasn't on any of the paperwork or in her 'about me' book she should have got the message. I was not impressed, especially as she asked in front of people. However that's the only person who has messed up like that during the years at the school so it isn't too bad!

I agree and I have been in this position.

This, dont make it a big thing but I think being honest now will remove explosions when she finds out later. There is a book i recall when I was navigating the step dad thing with my dd. Its basically a really child friendly way to explain all families arw different, some have 2 mums or 2 dads, or only 1 mum or 1 dad, or 1 mum 1 dad and a set of step parents etc. Ill see if I can find it.

https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/all-about-families-book-felicity-brooks-9781474949071?sku=GOR009123570&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=19545755187&gclid=Cj0KCQjwsMLSBhD9ARIsAIpUTDpChYoPU3VfW-ALMus56V40Ka3UTA7G0C-dPeK42BYCUcN_4zsBEaAiwDEALw_wcB

I’d mention it, my daughters father isnt involved and she never mention it at all so I didn’t say anything, she went to school and Father’s Day came and she came out so upset as the whole class was making Father’s Day cards and she didn’t have one, they had obviously been speaking about dads as she kept asking me what his favourite food was and what his favourite colour was so this was obviously spoken about as she never asked that before, it was awful and I wish I had prepared her

I would mention it before she asks, in a casual matter of fact way.

I think this is the best approach. It was what we were advised to do with our donor egg conceived child.

I knew we'd succeeded in the lockdown when she was 8ish and I overheard her on a Teams call proudly explaining about IVF to a classmate!

The school will have clocked that long before Father’s Day 2027. Teachers, TAs, support staff will ask reception children loads of questions about their home life. Mine started last September and we had to send in pictures of our family, our pets, we had to write on a form (on behalf of the child) things like..My favourite food is x / I live at home with XYX / My Mummy is called Claire / My favourite toy is Peppa etc etc.

You will provide a list of people who can pick her up / there will be meet and greets.

The school will have figured out by week 1 who has a Mummy and Daddy, who lives with Mummy and Granny, who has 2 Mummies.

I was in that same situation my ex biological father left me when I was pregnant. She never mentioned it. She was 4 and I brought it up as in let’s talk about mummies and daddies and what they are. It was helpful that her friend was being raised by her grandparents after a custody order and she had another friend with just a mum and one with two mums. So we talked about what makes a home and what makes a family. I made it all about me - as in he didn’t want a relationship by me - she’s 20 now and he has never contacted her or paid maintenance etc it was helpful to mine that she had a puppy and she saw puppy with mum but dad wasn’t around and she actually said well Goose (our dog don’t ask!) never had his Daddy around either his mummy had all the babies by herself and he doesn’t mind. Be prepared with what information you are prepared to give. I told mine that if she asked and wanted to find him at 18 that she could. She hasn’t.

There was one time when a friend was with her husband and we were swimming with them and he was throwing the kids in and swinging them round and she had a great day and she said ‘I really want a daddy’ like x when we got home and cried and then was over it.

That friend divorced and he doesn’t see the kids anymore so whatever

As someone who grew up with an absent father when it was still quite unusual, this is definitely the way to go. Low key normalise it. No big bombshell moments, just little bits here and there when the moments arise, it might lead to more questions, it might not.

You want them to understand their background and how it differs without feeling like it is a massive deal.