How do mums cope as the only female in the family?

[Heidielf]

I feel like the topic should be parenting and relationships 🤪.
I’m 44, been married 24 years, 2 x boys age 16 & 8, had brain cancer in between which is why such big age gap to avoid any awk questions….
How do you all of you gorgeous ladies handle being the only female in the family, with little to no help from family members, coping with hormones and work/life dynamics??

I have had some horrific hormone issues and a failed major uterus surgery recently and im actually quite relieved I dont have a daughter as I think it would have been quite frightening for her to see at a time when she would have been settling into her own periods based on my sons ages. I actually think a daughter could reasonably have withdrawn a bit and protected herself.

My husband has been very supportive and caring and my sons understand the impact it has had. They help a lot and I think almost more than a daughter might have done as some teen girls are quite harsh on thier mums having any weaknesses.

I have female friends who have been there to talk about some of the things like the impact of losing certain hormones suddenly overnight. Which whikst my dh is very sympathetic too, its nice to talk to people that maybe also know the feeling of loosing progesterone or estrogen suddenly and can share things that helped or dark humour about the less glamorous aspects. I also think its more appropriate to lean on fruends for that than chikdren.

Hi Op, I am the opposite as having grown up in a pretty female household with two sisters, I now have two daughters myself. I do sometimes find myself wondering what it must be like to live in a more male house. I understand what others are saying about gendered stereotypes and avoiding these, but I also observe from the dynamics of families I am close to and from speaking to good friends who have sons that there can be different dynamics and expectations - these may be societal rather than inherent, but given our children live in a society and not just our homes this has to impact things. For what it’s worth, I agree with a PP who suggested that having daughters / sons might not be the key thing here when you’re talking about work / life dynamics and hormones. I love my daughters and my husband - brought up in a male dominated household - is great, but if I want to speak with someone about work / life dynamics, hormones and the other joys of being a midlife parent, I turn to my women friends. My family are lovely and caring, but being female doesn’t mean my daughters have a level of shared experience at this age that means they can offer much insight into the issues impacting me at this stage and my expectations are that I would be offering them reassurance and support rather than the other way round. We chat and hang out together, but I genuinely don’t think that any of that is very different from what I see between my close friends and their sons.

The only other female in my house is my cat and she does fuck all, the lazy cow.

My husband and sons are all fully capable of taking care of all household tasks and they do it. Because theyve never been taught they dont have to and theyve never been given a medal and a round of applause for putting a cup in a dishwasher.

Let's not buy into this bollocks about men just not being able to do what are, let's be honest, the most basic of tasks. Tee hee my boys dont know how to use the washing machine heehee my husband wouldn't know how to make dinner.

Its pathetic.

I'm experiencing a killer perimenopause and my sons are similar ages to yours.

Supportive husband who is a proper team player. Excellent man. Listens. Brought me home all the menopause resources from his workplace and watched the videos with me.

All children are different. Just because the girls have the same reproductive apparatus doesn't mean they'll get it.

My teenage son is far more supportive of me in general & my perimenopause nightmare than my sisters and I were for our mother.

It's all in the husband. He should be championing a culture of - we support all team members and right now mum needs our support.

We’re a team and we all pull our weight.
I also talk to DH about hormones etc as it’s important he knows what I’m experiencing. We’ve also always been open about periods with DS as it’s important for boys and men to see them as a normal part of life and not something taboo - although my best friends daughter helped with that as I remember her saying to DS when he was around 10 ‘girls get periods, don’t be one of those boys who make it weird’ 😂

I’m going to ignore the help comment and take the rest in good faith. It’s funny as my boys have got older I’ve not found myself missing a daughter, but I’ve found myself wishing I had a sister. Wouldn’t change my sons for anything and I think mums can put too much on daughters, so I actually think what would be a really nice balance is if I had a sister (that I got on with, not guaranteed!) thankfully the men in my life are not the stereotypical type, and my husband loves a spa day 🤣

By far the most demanding family members in my house are female (they bring in live and dead rodents and throw up when I’m on work calls) and feline. My DSs are 100% as capable as I was as a teen girl. DH also pulls his weight.

I occasionally think it’s a shame that my rather enormous black tie wardrobe from the 90s may never see the light of day again but that’s about the limit of my ‘I don’t have a daughter’ concerns.

I make my boys step Up. I won’t be raising cunty men if I have any control over that. They’re everything to me, we treat our kids well and I expect them to pay that back.

I tell them I’d be devastated to raise
useless men so they’re doing the dishwasher and the dog walking and bed changing just like I did growing up. They cook weekly each.

I make my needs very obvious. Last argument was when i told them
off for not bringing anything back for me from Greggs. Sounds petty but its a lesson in not being forgotten. I do everything for them and expect them to appreciate that.

I go away for a week every year alone. It resets the appreciation quite a bit

I tell them that women get treated like shit by men and I will go mad if they ever do that, I lecture them about respect and contraceptives and to leave if they’re ever intimidated or disrespected by a partner, that if they’re ever have an unplanned child they will be responsible for it etc etc . Any hitting - instant breakup etc. I’ve explained to them my thoughts on porn, I’ve asked them to avoid it, there just isn’t a topic I won’t talk about calmly and without embarrassment because I want them to know I am pretty level headed and a safe place for when life goes tits up.

I mean fucking list is endless right? So far nobody’s been arrested or got anybody pregnant but as they’re teenagers there’s still time for them to swallow the red pill and become mini Andrew Tates 😩

Three boys/young men here… im not a girly girl to start with but i have found that i really lean into my feminity at home to balance the dynamic. So apart from doing their bits with household, they are aware of periods and menopause, there are tampons in every bathrooms, i put my make up in the living room (and leave it there), nail polish, if i do a beauty mask (feet or face) my youngest (14) will always join me. He also likes bath bombs. My eldest is into fashion and hair so i get my fashion/hair care fix with him). My middle one has watched legally blonde, devil wear prada etc with me and enjoyed it… i often have my girlfriends around for dinner and i make efforts about the dinner and the setting of the table and they are always saying how beautiful it all look!i feel i am just trying to show them there is something else in the world apart from football, maths, science, competition and the gym… a bit of softness, care and carefree fun! DP is quite masculine in a highly competitive “masculine” job, i have a less demanding, less competitive “caring” job it is hard to fight stereotypes!

I got a female cat. Silly question deserves silly answer.

I don't really appreciate the woowoo sisterhood of the having a vagina energy but this is what friends are for, op.

So true! I never showed an ounce of empathy to my mum when she spoke about her hot flushes.
i have trained my DP to be extra kind to me when i have my periods and now all my boys (DP incl) are very understanding when i feel wiped put or have periods pains. I think it may be easier for them to have empathy because they dont know what it is like… they just see it as a moment when i need care

What do you mean? I have DH and two DS in their twenties and 1 male cousin. That’s it. Never worried me, just how it is. DH and the 2 DS and I look after each other as needed.

I posted earlier about being the only female in my family (I have DH, two sons, my dad and my FIL) and I now feel really guilty about omitting my female cat from that list 🤣

I can confirm though that despite being female she is of absolute no help to me during my period, and nor does she help with the housework 🤣

I dont know what help anyone can do man or women during my period but no I won't ever use it as an excuse to treat people badly or hormones there is no justification for trying to get away with people terrible to anyone, from man or woman

Teenage girls are of no more help around the house than teenage boys.

Yeah I thought it was worded oddly as well.

I don't really need help with my hormones from family members tbh.

Well we dont stand for "little or no help" for a start

What a bizarre post. Why wouldn't you keep tampons in every bathroom, if it's a house with a menstruating woman in it? I mean, do you think other households with only a single menstruating woman put her out in a tent in the back garden while she's 'unclean' or something?

This is bizarre to me. We have only sons too, and we have never felt the need to consciously ‘balance’ the house by leaning into femininity. We’ve just raised them as people rather than around ideas of what’s masculine or feminine.

They know about periods and have always seen tampons in bathrooms because it’s normal biology, they help around the house because everyone should, and they’ll happily watch or do whatever interests them without us labelling it as boyish or girly. They’ve spent as much time being taught by their dad to cook and bake as they have being shown how to DIY.

I’ve never assumed football, science or competition are somehow naturally male, or that beauty, softness or caring are naturally female.

The idea that you have to somehow counteract having sons seems to assume there are stereotypically male traits or interests that need balancing out. We’ve never really subscribed to those stereotypes as parents.

I don’t understand what you mean. Can you explain the specific problems you have experienced?

I enjoy it. It's me, dh and 5 sons at home. I love that when we go out they all troop off to the mens loo with dh while I skip off to the ladies on my own. The boys help a lot more in the house than some of my nieces do.

Only female here, even the dog is male 🤣.

I don’t see how life would be significantly different if I had a daughter.

Maybe because I grew up with brothers, I don’t see it as an issue.

Yeah, you're talking shite.

Being female doesn't = enjoying clothes shopping and trying out make up etc.

@Heidielf are you coming back to engage with your thread ?