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Original poster

MIL pressure

23 replies

SCK2024 · 06/07/2026 09:02

I’m really struggling with my anxiety over this, please be kind.

my baby is 13 weeks old.

MIL who I don’t particularly know well has been asking my partner when can she have the baby for a few hours.

At the beginning (1st 2weeks) his mum/her partner and 3 aunties came to visit.

i arranged to meet his mum for a coffee and walk a few times, we’ve done it once (6weeks old)

None of them reach out to me to arrange seeing the baby.

my partner is constantly working days and nights so he isn’t around much.

Ive told him that they need to reach out to me as I’ve tried messaging and I don’t even get a reply or too busy, he says I haven’t tried.

i really have.

partner says my mum sees the baby nearly everyday, yes she does, she’s my mum lives 1minute away and actually supports/helps me with the baby/ house chores/meals/cleaning/food shop/company.

i have told partner it’s way too soon and im not comfortable with her staying with anyone for a few hours, by the way.. he hasn’t had her alone for an hour since being born, it’s all me.

i am breastfeeding by bottle only now.

i feel as if they want the baby alone without me I find it weird that they don’t want to make an effort with me and dont communicate at all with me only to him.

the thought of leaving her with anyone really upsets me to tears and I have been feeling so pressured and that I’m to blame that they don’t see her.

i believe he should be organising meet ups if they choose to go through him and not me, why should I always be the one trying?

am I being wrong?

she’s still a newborn I don’t really know them, I know that she’s my partners mum and I do trust them and have no doubts.

i just feel it’s too soon and our baby is not familiar with them.

OP posts:
dinoderry · 06/07/2026 09:10

Firstly, you don’t have to leave your baby if you don’t want to. It’s natural to want to stay very close to your newborn. Don’t let anyone pressure you.

Secondly, if you were minded to indulge your MIL, I’d start by asking her if she could come over to sit with the baby while you shower etc so that you are still in the home and can pop in and out. It will give you the chance to actually get something done, while safe in the knowledge that you’re right there.

I love my MIL but found it odd in the beginning that she wanted time alone with my babies. I felt like she was trying to cosplay as a new mum again (though I have no evidence for that, it was probably postpartum hormones!).

In hindsight, I think she finds time alone with them more precious and relaxing because whenever I’m around they reach for me and she probably felt constantly watched while she was interacting with them.

imsureineverdo · 06/07/2026 09:15

You don’t need to leave your baby, the best place for her is with you. Any decent partner or MIL should be supporting whatever you want to do.

Annie202 · 06/07/2026 09:17

Just say no.

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lanzinis · 06/07/2026 09:18

I didn't leave my baby with anyone for a very very long time and no-one demanded that I did - I never knew this was a thing until I saw people in situations like yours posting on MN.

I really think it's quite unhinged to insist on having a baby without any parents around - obviously it's natural to want to see and spend time with a baby but to only want to do it without the parents is bizarre, in my opinion.

It's perfectly fine to say no thanks. Over and over if necessary.

Mycatmax · 06/07/2026 09:18

No way do you have to leave your baby with anyone. Just ignore them and let DH deal with it.

TheSandgroper · 06/07/2026 09:30

He doesn’t get to outsource his parenting (which he can’t do anyway) to his mother. He can learn to be a father first. He needs to parent on his own and in partnership with, you know, his wife.

You have a DH problem.

And, no, you don’t have to give your baby away to anyone, no matter how loudly they bleat.

whippersnapper55 · 06/07/2026 10:01

Tell your partner his mother is free to contact you and arrange to come and see the baby but you're not comfortable leaving the baby with anyone yet. If she wants to be close to her grandchild, she should be making the effort to get to know you. If he isn't understanding of this, then you have a problem. He should be supporting you.

MyAgileUser · 06/07/2026 10:05

I had a rule that non-verbal children do not go anywhere without their parent present (this includes sleepovers!) and I absolutely stuck by it. In that way you aren’t singling her out. Your baby is not a doll and she does not need aline time with her, what for???

Grumpynan · 06/07/2026 10:16

So I answer this as a mum who had a very pushy unsupportive mil who liked playing the perfect grandma but won’t do any supporting, and now as a mil with grandchildren I adore

firstly, this is YOUR baby not hers , and she’s a child not a dolly
secondly, she might be on a bottle, but she is still dependent on you her main caregiver

i have never understood this need for grandparents to need alone time with the children, maybe I’m lucky by son and DIL have always included me in their lives. I have always cared for the babies but it’s been at times to help not to play, I’m just as likely to go over and do housework and cook as hold the baby.

just tell you DH and MIL that her having play time with your child is not and never will happen. If she would like to help raise her, then she’s more than welcome, there’s a pile of laundry to do and you wouldn’t say no to a nap, she’s more than welcome to be in your house so these can be achieved but your child will not be leaving you for longer than maybe a walk.

IceLollly · 06/07/2026 10:22

Tell DH to tell his mother that it won’t be for a long long time and she needs to stop asking.

My old neighbour was like this, obsessed with having GC ‘alone’ from birth. She was allowed them a few times when they were older and she kept them awake most of the night fussing over them and the parents had to stop it as they would be so overtired after.

SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOut · 06/07/2026 12:41

Just say no. That doesn’t work for you.

God all these older women pressuring new mothers. Just leave them alone.

Original poster
SCK2024 · 06/07/2026 18:04

Thankyou for all replying.
Ive had it out with my partner this morning about it and not spoken all day.

im not being told that my baby is being with her for a few hours on her demand, i barely know her myself.

its the fact she doesn’t want me in her company, going via her son to plan it.

its weird, but its caused us to fall out.

we haven’t got anything to fall out over, when we’ve been in each others company there is no issue, we got on well.

i find it all bizarre.

naturally he will back his mum as i would mine.

i wouldnt mind but nobody even my mum i dont want to have the baby for a few hours alone.

im protective and im enjoying my bonding.

she should be making an effort with me, partner thinks I should be making the effort meeting her.. I did.
we met once she’s never got back to me since or wanted to meet up, I even turned up at her house to surprise them but they wasn’t in only his sister, which didn’t seem welcoming as she wanted to go back to her bf (she is 18)

it’s all so weird!

it’s made me sick with anxiety 😥

OP posts:
Mrsm010918 · 06/07/2026 18:31

No relationship with me (or at the very least some effort at building one) = no access to my children and certainly not alone.

MIL better start working on her people skills

And your partner should have YOUR back, not his mums in this situation. The fact he doesn't tells me he has his priorities wrong.

cheapskatemum · 06/07/2026 18:44

I’m struggling to comprehend how your partner can work all day & all night!

SoBoredOfSelfDoubtHowToGetOut · 06/07/2026 19:12

He should back you. Not his weirdo mother.

Beamur · 06/07/2026 19:13

No one needs to have alone time with your baby.
MIL has had her time parenting and doesn't get to play babies with yours.

Lottie6712 · 06/07/2026 22:55

"naturally he will back his mum as i would mine."

Errrrr, I'd not be with. My.

Lottie6712 · 06/07/2026 22:55

"naturally he will back his mum as i would mine."

Errrrr, I'd not be with my husband if he chose his mum over me - particularly if it concerned one of our children.

BirthdayTrash · 06/07/2026 23:00

If she lives close enough to be visiting, why haven’t you spent any time with her in the last year? And however long there was before your baby was conceived?

cestlavielife · 06/07/2026 23:03

Your dp needs to spend time with his child. Before your mil does

BirthdayTrash · 06/07/2026 23:06

In March you were posting as a single dad?

99bottlesofkombucha · 06/07/2026 23:06

I’d say flat no grandparent needs more time than her dad has ever spent with her. Stop being an absent dad who comes home to tell his wife off while I look after our newborn, your opinion of how I should parent is meaningless when you’ve done zero parenting ever. Would you like to look after baby while you tidy up? No? Why not?

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