Why does my mother-in-law only want to hold the baby?

[sparkleapricot]

I’ve just posted this but I think I’ve put it in the wrong topic and being new to this web, I’m not sure how to change it! So we go again…..

I don’t get on with my MIL - I won’t go into details as I have on previous posts and every single person told me to cut her out of mine and my child’s life, I’m navigating how I want to live the rest of my life and what’s best for my child, but she does something in particular that I don’t understand.

she is a manipulative woman and genuinely did believe for a while that she was my child’s mother. All very triggering and plenty of examples but this isn’t about that.

if we are seeing her, she wants to come to our house. If she is at our house, she will sit on the sofa and rock back and forth with my child on her lap. No talking to her, no playing with her, just rocking back and forth and maybe kissing her forehead.

if we say - shall we go xyz? She will say no because she won’t be able to hold the baby.
child is 10 months

so, things are rocky at the moment and she’s arguing with my partner because she can’t see the baby whenever she wants. He says, why don’t we go for some breakfast tomorrow and there’s a park nearby so we could use the swings. She immediately says no I want to see the baby. We were like …. She will be there? I did expect this reaction from her, because it’s not the first time. But I don’t understand it.

I would’ve thought if you are this devoted grandparent who can’t be away from their grandchild, you’d take my arm off? Also my child is old enough to sit in a high chair, eat food and play on swings. She is getting around the place, really intrigued, loves playing, I felt this would be really good quality time with her. Why would she decline that because she wants to sit on my sofa and hold her? Again I would understand if my baby was a newborn or if she was talking to her or something but she just rocks back and forth. My child often when on her lap is trying to get around or babbling away but she will ignore that.

she gets extremely jealous of my family if we go to the park or go for lunch, etc, but she never ever wants to do that. She wants to sit in my house and hold my child, rocking back and forth.

not looking for opinions on anything aside from why you think she might be doing that? It’s not a huge issue, just a pattern that I’ve picked up on.

This is very odd, but will soon reach a natural conclusion as the child grows and makes it very clear she wants to get down. I would stick very close by and as soon as you start to see little one struggling to get down, intervene. Likewise if baby is babbling at her- say MIL she's talking to you- are you not going to answer? Call her out on it.
Sounds a very much worse version of my MIL who likes to wrap the grandchildren in cotton wool. Trying to hold my confident toddler's hand wailing 'but what if she falls'. Er then she'll get back up, obviously. All she's actually doing is preventing a curious child moving at her own space around a safe playground, sometimes literally holding her arm in a vice whilst toddler strains to run. I stop it every time I see it but it's very annoying.

To be brutally honest our relationship has never fully recovered and she still does weird undermining things every now and then, including saying "yes?" when my daughter says "Mum?" which I find horrible.... But I'm less hormonal and more confident in my role as mum so most things she does I can now shrug off, and I remind myself our visits are brief and then I'll be 24/7 mum again. I also have an amazing sister in law who really sees it and helps me feel I'm not being crazy. And my eldest (7) is big enough to do the things MIL wants like bake together, go out solo etc, so that takes some of the heat off.

But I do feel sad that I went into parenting so excited to share the baby with MIL only to have my boundaries stomped all over and my role diminished. She used to physically remove the baby from my arms, or push me off the handles of the pram so she could push it. I don't think she means to sideline me per se, she just can't stand any perceived obstacles to her access to the baby, and therefore isn't able to respect me as mum. Which is sad because I really wanted support in that transition and I thought she'd be someone to give it to me!

Basically I have a bit of perspective and my eldest isn't so dependent on me, but the relationship has never been brilliant since, which is sad. It's ok though. I'm curious whether your partner backs you up in all this?

Yes, very annoying as a mother. We were in a red heat wave a couple of weeks ago and my DH had a call to make sure we were looking after our baby. Thanks for that!

shame you can’t pick them! Thanks for coming back. And yes, I do need to intervene, will take that on board.

Haha, did she offer any genuinely useful advice for keeping a baby cool? I'm betting not...

Urgh my mil was similar. She used to take ds's toys off him and insist he sat on her knee playing with a cup coaster.

She also refused to have ds without a nappy as apparently he would get sexual feelings.

Your dh needs to back you that dc isn't a bloody toy.

Luckily the baby will tell her to pack it in soon enough once they get moving!

Maybe it’s therapeutic to her otherwise…… still wierd

She may well have lost a child in her past perhaps ?

Wow, thank you so much for this response. It hit home a bit as I felt the exact same way, I was so excited to be a mum and I feel like the first few weeks of my baby’s life were ruined by her and this is what I cannot forgive or forget. My whole life I have longed to be a mother and the way she behaved was totally irrational. The funny thing is, I say to my partner, you wouldn’t do that to another mum. But she IS another mum, so I found it even more confusing!!

Yep, been there with the pram. To be honest with you I could sit here all day and tell you the examples, but how boring would that be! In short she made me feel like I was not a good enough mum. She kept telling me that I needed help looking after my baby, and violated our boundaries repeatedly and when confronted, said “I don’t need to ask you for permission”. Errrrrmmmm yes you do!

does yours live nearby? Do you see her much?

My partner completely backs me. But I was stuck because I always felt bad that it was his mum, and because he’s an only child it really leaves him with no one, so I was always pushing my feelings aside to make it easier for him but I’ve realised I can’t do it anymore. It was just last night she kicked off about not being able to come to our house, and he ended up having another argument with her.

in Feb he laid it all out on the table - I was 5 months PP and just had enough, so upset with everything that went on. He told her that she disregarded and disrespected me as a mum on numerous occasions. Her response? Demand an apology. He wouldn’t give her one so they didn’t speak for 5 weeks (brilliant for me btw). After those 5 weeks I had encouraged him to make up with them (because I felt bad about him having no other family), and she never apologised just said it came from a place of maternal instinct whilst I sat there watching. Such an insult. But yes, he does back me up.

I know I’ve made some of these issues worse by trying to manage their relationship too, but MN has genuinely helped me connect with other mums like yourself who actually provide really interesting insights, and I won’t be trying to manage them again. I’ve learnt that it’s not actually my fault - no matter how she portrays it - it’s her fault.

again - thank you!

How did you know?!

i find that sort of thing so unbelievable insulting. Calling me up to make sure I’m looking after my baby? Please 😐

What the hell! That’s crazy. Do you still speak to / see her?

None of this sounds remotely normal - and then when you add in that she thought the child was hers... I'm not sure I'd let her anywhere near my child under those circumstances.

However you have the power to deal with this and you need to use it. As a previous poster says, if you suggest breakfast or other outings and she objects on the basis of not seeing the baby you just point out that of course she will and carry on. When you see your child struggling to get off her lap, point it out and take the child from her arms and let her go and suggest they actually play together.

I understand you're trying to avoid conflict but ultimately your resentment is building and the relationship is only going to get worse, not better, unless you put the brakes on this behaviour. She will probably try to manipulate and guilt trip you with tears and tantrums but you'll have to ignore it. There's just no other way and actually you're not doing her any favours by indulging her here.

This is what happened with my MIL and each grandchild, grew less and less interested the older each one got and regularly told us how sad she was they weren’t babies any more.

I have known this in women who have lost babies, although not 20 odd years later.

It is wierd, definitely some mental health issues there. That doesn't mean you have to accommodate it.

Dd will soon reject the cuddling but you'd not be wrong to limit this and only see mil out of the home if that's your preference.

Great advice. Thank you for your reply.

100% I’ve always avoided conflict and so it’s probably my fault that we are where we are, but I am her mum and I can put a stop to it. Thank you.

Interesting. She has made comments before about being genuinely upset and crying over the fact that she had grown up. (She’s 10 months ffs, she rolled over, said her first word). It made me think, am I not an ok mum? Because I wasn’t upset. I was so proud of her. I think ultimately there’s some underlying issues.

Very interesting. She has not lost any babies, but is not in contact with her own parents and hasn’t been since my partner was a child, and was not a maternal mother with my partner (according to him). I’m thinking maybe she is trying to comfort herself with my baby or rewrite the past. Appreciate your perspective. Thank you.

Got divorced!! bloody bonus i didn't have to see her...she's dead now though.

I have a 6yo and a 10 months old and find there are two types of mothers broadly those that are sad about the passing of time and want to stay in that moment forever and those that are excited to see what the next step is.

The 6yo didn't get any time as a young baby with grandparents so in a way I have been navigating that for the first time with my second. The day that my mum really pissed me off she walked in the house and said "give me the baby" without even saying hello or how are you. He was asleep in my arms so I told her she had to wait. As it was there were a few things I wanted to do but hadn't been able to put him down. Once he was settled enough to pass over I did. After picking up my daughter from school an hour later she did the same and I asked her if she could make me a drink first. Baby was about 2 months at the time. She never asked like that again. Baby learnt to crawl at 4 months and now at 10 months really doesn't like cuddles. My mum has lost a bit of interest, especially as he seems to prefer my dad which she really doesn't like!

I'm lucky my mother-in-law is lovely but my mum is hard work. Others don't always get it.

Psycho

The more MN threads I read the happier I am my MIL is no longer with us

My MIL was exactly like this with my first DD. Same situation as well - my DP is an only child. However MIL had lost multiple babies through miscarriage and never carried another to term so I think there were a lot of MH issues tied up with it.

She repeatedly called herself mum to the baby. She repeatedly told me to leave the room or even outright "go away" when baby was there. Even more bizarre, she didn't want my DP (her son) there either and kept referring to her DP as "Dad" to the baby. She actually cried once when I asked for my baby back as I hadn't held her the entire day. She pestered us constantly for "access" without me or DP there which made me feel really uncomfortable! FIL even took my baby out into the street away from me without saying anything - just walked out of the house and off with her while I was sitting in the living room! Actually, thinking about it, maybe they both had trauma from not being able to have another baby...

Anyway, it has lessened a lot since DD has gotten older and can say exactly what she wants (ie, mainly me and DP) and I've become more confident in being a mum. They were much less bothered about subsequent DC I've had and it's kinda resolved itself as the DC have gotten older. They seem to realise they're grandparents and not parents (though my FIL recently got annoyed on Fathers Day that my DC had made cards for their Dad and not for him - fyi he had presents from my DP). And they live very far away so we only really see them 2-3 times a year and now the DC are older it's actually nice to have an afternoon off while they take them out!

It has made me much more wary about letting them have "access" to them alone or overnight though, so maybe it has affected the relationship somewhat!

Oh wow, sorry you went through that. It’s difficult isn’t it especially when partner is an only child because I’m constantly torn between I can’t stand you around us / he has no other family 😐 and I know that I am the one that tore them apart. To be fair they did get on fine before I was around, but that’s because he done whatever she said - including paying her mortgage at the ages of 18/19!

hoping things resolve as she gets older and we have more children. I will keep her at arms length and not allow her in my house. I am a first time mum and whilst I am confident in my ability to look after my baby, I need to stand up for us more.

Yes she also has an obsession with wanting my child on her own - without us around. Freaks me out. She has not lost or longed for another child which makes it weirder. Partner says she wasn’t maternal so I find it extremely confusing.

thanks for sharing your story. It’s very easy to feel like it’s just you when everyone around you gets on fine with their MILs.

I'd definitely keep an eye out for ongoing issues and be quick to put in boundaries.

My MIL is obsessed with my eldest child because he validates her desire to be loved / needed. I think she's undiagnosed ASD, possibly RSD, probably covert narcissist traits with saviour complex. Babyhood was fine but from toddlerhood upwards she has been trying to replace me in his affections. As a toddler he thought she was super exciting and would prefer sitting on her lap to mine, which I didn't mind, because I knew it was the novelty and I'm really close to my children. They're now teens and MIL still wants to supplant me and still wants to treat him like a toddler. She actively encourages him not to listen to me and to do the opposite of what I want. DC2, on the other hand, has always needed me and always clearly preferred me to MIL. She used to get upset and hurt with him as a result and he has now become the scapegoat who can never do anything right, to the point where as a teen he doesn't speak to her at all.