Why does my mother-in-law only want to hold the baby?

[sparkleapricot]

I’ve just posted this but I think I’ve put it in the wrong topic and being new to this web, I’m not sure how to change it! So we go again…..

I don’t get on with my MIL - I won’t go into details as I have on previous posts and every single person told me to cut her out of mine and my child’s life, I’m navigating how I want to live the rest of my life and what’s best for my child, but she does something in particular that I don’t understand.

she is a manipulative woman and genuinely did believe for a while that she was my child’s mother. All very triggering and plenty of examples but this isn’t about that.

if we are seeing her, she wants to come to our house. If she is at our house, she will sit on the sofa and rock back and forth with my child on her lap. No talking to her, no playing with her, just rocking back and forth and maybe kissing her forehead.

if we say - shall we go xyz? She will say no because she won’t be able to hold the baby.
child is 10 months

so, things are rocky at the moment and she’s arguing with my partner because she can’t see the baby whenever she wants. He says, why don’t we go for some breakfast tomorrow and there’s a park nearby so we could use the swings. She immediately says no I want to see the baby. We were like …. She will be there? I did expect this reaction from her, because it’s not the first time. But I don’t understand it.

I would’ve thought if you are this devoted grandparent who can’t be away from their grandchild, you’d take my arm off? Also my child is old enough to sit in a high chair, eat food and play on swings. She is getting around the place, really intrigued, loves playing, I felt this would be really good quality time with her. Why would she decline that because she wants to sit on my sofa and hold her? Again I would understand if my baby was a newborn or if she was talking to her or something but she just rocks back and forth. My child often when on her lap is trying to get around or babbling away but she will ignore that.

she gets extremely jealous of my family if we go to the park or go for lunch, etc, but she never ever wants to do that. She wants to sit in my house and hold my child, rocking back and forth.

not looking for opinions on anything aside from why you think she might be doing that? It’s not a huge issue, just a pattern that I’ve picked up on.

It does sound weird, especially as she isn’t interacting with your baby. I would stop her coming round to your house for a while and offer to meet up at the park etc instead. If she doesn’t want to, just carry on without her.

I’m not your mother in law but I do have a cat.

sometimes when I am upset I want cat cuddles. My cats don’t always want this.

is she using the baby to help her feel better?

interesting perspective - not thought of it that way, but could well be. Thanks for the reply

@sparkleapricot You said your mil is manipulative. Do you think she’s doing this for some sort of control?

Yes, it has crossed my mind but I wasn’t sure if I was being too sinister or whether it was normal. FTM so it’s all new for me.

My instinct and especially when thinking about it, is that she wants to sit and hold her as a possessive sort of thing.

Very strange! I did find my mum and MIL went a bit nutty when I had my babies and this sounds like a really exaggerated version of something I struggled with with both of them: their ideal expectation of the relationship vs what it really was. My MIL in particular was very possessive of my eldest and constantly tried to separate her from me. She'd get very upset when my daughter cried for me or didn't respond in the way she wanted. She was desperate to have her on her own and as my eldest has grown and is capable of the relationship MIL wants, things have been much better.

However, it sounds like your MIL wants to have that newborn experience forever. Again, she wants the relationship she envisions and isn't flexible enough to see that the reality is different, although just as rewarding. I would definitely assume this is about her need to revisit that baby stage, her longing for it. She's using your baby to fill that longing but she's not stopping to apppeciate who her grandchild is as a person - to enjoy the new things she's capable of and the relationship they can build together.

It's definitely a her thing. I would just be firm and try to redirect her to other rewarding interactions such as pushing baby on the swing or stacking up blocks for her to knock down. Maybe she'd find some validation in getting to push the buggy or wear her in a sling, if you're comfortable with that?

However, if she can't see that your baby is changing and that the things they do together also need to change, that's on her not you. You aren't limiting her access. You're trying to facilitate the relationship. She is ultimately going to alienate your child if she persists in treating her like a newborn, and you are doing your best to combat that. But she is the grown up in her relationship with this ten month old and it's up to her to manage her own feelings and to play with your child in an appropriate way.

Some grandmothers do get very possessive, especially if they’re the paternal grandmother.. Is it her first grandchild?

I've heard someone refer to holding an infant as 'baby therapy'. I think it is a really strong pull for some people - it feels healing and purposeful and all sorts of positive things that they don't get from usual human interaction, particularly if they have a history of difficult relationships and rejection.
It only works with small placid babies who don't require their own needs to be met in any other fashion. As PP said, sometimes her cat doesn't want cuddles. At some point your baby won't either.

it’s actually very interesting to read your perspective now that your child is older.

she has truly lost the plot since I’ve had a baby, she does also try to separate her from me and little things like wouldn’t automatically give her back to me if she got upset. How did you navigate your child growing up with her around and how did you manage the relationship? If you don’t mind sharing.

Thank you for your response though, very useful insight.

Sounds bloody creepy to me. Your child is not her emotional support doll.

This is a very good point. MIL doesn’t speak to her parents and often says that we reject her etc etc etc. so what you’re saying does add up.

I think I’m noticing it more so now that my baby doesn’t want to sit still and not interact, so I’m finding it odd that she does. Thank you for coming back to me

Yes, she has one son and we have one child. She was possessive over her son throughout his whole life but now that has shifted onto my child.
it is a deeply obsessive sort of thing, and she does try to push me out of the picture.

I agree with a lot of the above. My mother in law is similar. Just wants cuddles! However, I think you might find it’ll right itself naturally very soon… My son now won’t stay still for a cuddle for more than about 10 seconds as he’s off busily crawling round and destroying things! Your daughter will soon be more interested in crawling/walking round and playing and won’t tolerate being sat on a lap and cuddled for hours. And it won’t be your fault which will be a bonus!

Thank you for the validation. My thoughts exactly

It sounds almost like she sees the baby as a thing, rather than a person? Like an emotional support doll, as someone put it. I wonder if as your child gets older and starts wanting to run around rather than be held, she will want to be involved less.

I think this is why some people have Reborn dolls - because they replicate this bit of babyhood where they are happy just to lie on you and be pushed around and don't have any needs of their own (obviously a real baby even of this age does, but hopefully what I mean comes through!)

Yes that would be brilliant. I find it more so frustrating because where she wants to get around but can’t just yet - she then gets frustrated! And I’m thinking if you just put her on the floor she would be absolutely fine practising her motor skills or playing but it’s the forceful cuddles that I’m sat there thinking please god just put her down. And she could play with her on the floor and my child would be 10x happier but never wants to do that?

equally when baby is babbling away she will ignore her to just rock back and forth. It’s more annoying than anything! Thanks for the reply :)

I do think BTW that at this age where baby is happy to be held, it's unlikely to do any harm and could even be beneficial to the baby as they do benefit from being held. Not to say you don't obviously already do this!

But I would be very wary/protective and ready to limit contact if it does start to become a problem for your DC, because it could end up being quite a destructive relationship if grandma is not allowing LO to be their own person. If this would be hard for your DH it might be worth planting some seeds of the idea now so that he is not blindsided by it if you start to feel protective later on.

I won’t go into details as I have on previous posts and every single person told me to cut her out of mine and my child’s life

Why don't you do this then?

Yes, funny you say that - she refers to my daughter as “the baby” and it’s really really grinding my gears. It’s not a one off - she will never use her name. I spoke to DP about this last night as it’s frustrating me.

I completely understand what you mean. Thank you for the reply.

Give the fact OP says MIL “genuinely believed” the baby was hers, there is clearly a lot more going on here than the usual “new granny goes nuts” scenario.

Can you minimise your contact with her or only agree to see her out and about in situations where she can’t do any weird shit?

Or move far far away?

Or buy her one of those realistic baby doll things?

Sounds as though she needs a reborn doll, not a real ten month old granddaughter.

My mother was also primarily interested in holding newborns rather than actually getting to know her older grandchildren, when there was a baby sibling available she'd ignore the older ones and me and go into a reverie for hours - handing the bany back only if he or she smelt (she never changed a nappy), which was the absolute antithesis of helpful or comfortable for me.

She did recover interest somewhat in her grandchildren when there was no newborn, but nothing had the same pull for her and I'm sure she'd have chosen time holding a stranger's newborn over time with older grandchildren.

There seem to be a lot of people who want to hold babies as a thing in itself, isolated from actually being interested in the human being the child is.

TBH it sounds like your MIL has some quite deep emotional issues which she has never addressed. That is not necessarily her fault - these kinds of issues are often linked to trauma, and/or inherited tendencies to mental health problems - but it can also limit the person's ability to see or comprehend the effects of their behaviour on other people, so just being aware that you/DH might need to step in and provide boundaries around what you will accept in order to keep your child (emotionally) safe.

There is a book called Children of Emotionally Immature Parents which your husband might find illuminating (and you might as well although obviously it applies to you less directly).

My MIL can be a bit this way and she is definitely emotionally immature, but it's not so intense. And we live very far away from her so we don't see her very often anyway.

You said you don't know whether this is normal - IMO, this is quite extreme and very far from normal. Most grandparents delight in the cuteness and cuddliness of babies and toddlers, but they also see the baby/child as an individual in their own right.

I’d just knock holding the baby on the head , the baby is 10 months old and wants to be playing / crawling etc not being held so next time she try’s to hold her just remove baby , put her/ him on the floor with a toy and tell the MIL to play if she wants to interact with the baby .

She sounds a bit unhinged tbh, treating your DD like a dolly. It will soon resolve though. Babies turn into toddlers who don't want to be held still.

Why on earth should her weird obsession limit what you do, though? If you want to go for breakfast, go for breakfast. If you want to go to the park, go to the park. If MIL starts whining because she can't hold the baby, point her at the toy shop and she can get her own dolly there. I do think there is something wrong with her to behave like this, but it's not your job to fix her. What you can't do is pander to this to the detriment of your child.

She will get oxytocin from cuddling a baby. And maybe gets good feelings from when she had her own babies

but it isn’t your daughters or your job to provide this for her