Am I being unreasonable about my in-laws' daily five minute visits?

[ThatSnappyOP]

I get on better now with my in-laws than I ever have but they turn up nearly everyday, they do live around the corner which I get but they literally come, play pass the parcel and then they go. Me and my partner have said to them that it upsets our 11mo son when they come for 5 minutes and then go. However they won’t stay here for longer than 5 minutes because they’re “busy” or they’ve “got to go to the shop”. My mil now comes to take him to the shop everyday which I’m kind of not happy about, she doesn’t ask she just says “I’ll take him with me get his car seat”. They drive to about 4 different shops and either mil stays in the car or fil to watch our son. I know I probably sound like I’m being awkward but they have another grandchild which they have every weekend and one day during the week. They dont do normal things like take him to the park, take him to the zoo or anything like that, they just drive to the shops and back to their home. I don’t really see that as actually spending time with the grandchild or am I just being fussy? I don’t want them to think I’m being awkward or not wanting them to have a relationship with our son but mil can be very pushy. I want my son to be brought up by us and not them if that makes sense?

Your last sentence is odd. Why would a 5 minute trip to the shops mean they are bringing your son up?

“My mil now comes to take him to the shop everyday which I’m kind of not happy about”

OP, it’s YOUR baby - just say, sorry, MIL, I’m not happy about him going out without me. As for dropping in every day - just, no. Is your DH at home when she comes? If not, tell him that you don’t want to see his mother when he isn’t there - and get him to set up visits when it suits you both. But every day? I might have been unspeakably rude by now!

I don’t really understand, op - you don’t want them too involved, but you’re saying they’re not involved enough! Or is it that it’s not the kind of involvement you want? If they were taking him out for the day regularly, would you be happier with that?

The trip to the shop isn’t 5 minutes it’s over an hour sometimes 2. They basically brought up the other grandchild and are still doing so, I don’t want them doing the same with my son if that makes sense? The mother to the other grandchild I think just says yes to everything they want to do because it saves the arguments

Two different things - popping in for five minutes every day. Very annoying.

Secondly, taking your son out in the car to wait outside four shops? Just no. Horrible thing for him to have to do. Strapped into a car seat. And for no reason. Please save your child from this horrible experience!

Sorry I don’t make sense to myself half the time😂🙈 I haven’t got a problem with them having him but when I’ve said no to things in the past they’ve either gone and done the complete opposite of what I’ve asked. I’m a first time mother so I’m not sure if I’m just expecting them to spend actual quality time with him not just drive around and have him sitting in his car seat for nearly 2 hours

The mother to the other grandchild I think just says yes to everything they want to do because it saves the arguments

Well so do you so what's the difference?

do they think they are doing you a favour? Giving you an hour’s break? Thats the only reason I can think of for why they do this specifically

Why don’t they have their own car seat for him? We do.
Taking him out in the car is them getting him used to them, quite probably trying to give you a break.
Enjoy the break to have a long shower or whatever you feel you can’t do while he’s with you.
When he’s walking they might be more adventurous.
If they didn’t come would you feel they had excluded him while spending time with other DGC?
It’s not just you who can bring up your son (last sentence). He’ll benefit from lots of people.

...but they literally come, play pass the parcel and then they go

Why are they playing pass the parcel? I'm guessing you don't mean that literally, but what does it refer to?

I’m trying not to be… how do I go about approaching it

They come in, mil picks him up and has him a few mins then passes him to fil and he does the same and then they literally go.

And if they stayed for hours on end then you'd likely be annoyed they were overstaying their welcome.

I don't think you can dictate what they do but if you don't want them to take your son you say you are busy and have plans already.

They don’t have a car seat for him, they have a 10yo grandchild and they’ve never done anything with him other than take him to the shops like they do or have him helping with the dogs they have. No I don’t feel like they’ve excluded him when they have the other grandchild.

They spend five minutes with you - not getting in the way or overstaying their welcome - then take him for two hours? Lucky you to have such a break.

Stop being a doormat @ThatSnappyOP

The keeping him in the car for an hour or two is odd.
Surely that isn’t beneficial for your son?

I wouldn’t mind them popping in for 5 min to say hello personally, but everyone is different.
You need to let them know what’s okay or not for you.

No sorry it’s starting to get towards them wanting to take him everyday to the shops. I don’t actually want them to because I feel him being stuck in his car seat for nearly two hours is abit much

It is a bit much. Tell them that,

Can you not suggest what you’d like them to do or do it and invite them along to see how beneficial it is?
If they don’t change and you’re not happy, make sure you’re out when they’re likely to call!

They’re probably just trying to give you a break or time for a nap while fitting him into their schedule. I think you’re being a bit odd about it all tbh - you told them not to come briefly as it upsets him so they said they’d take him with them.

If that’s also not ok just tell them… we’d rather you spend quality time with DS. That’s not the back of a car or 5 minutes every day. If you could do the park/zoo we would prefer that. Thanks!

No I’m honestly not bothered if they stayed for an hour but they’ve only done that when they’ve wanted me to help them with bills

Hi OP, your senses tell you something. It doesn’t feel right or suit what you want. You look at your in-laws relationship with their other grandchild, and perhaps how that influences the relationship with that child and mother. If you don’t like it, don’t allow it. You also sound very cautious and want to keep the peace. You cant have both.

I know what you mean. I had similar. It was not the vision of what I wanted for my child and how they are raised. That is ok. You need boundaries with them. You need to speak with your partner. And if he won’t support you then you need to be smart and get busy with your child. Withdraw and limit what you do not accept.

So say no. There’s not really any other advice people can give. They’re sticking him in a car seat for 2 hrs? Just flatly refuse, or you’ll be pissed off for years

Do they visit the same time everyday? If so, be ready - child in pushchair - to walk to the park. You could invite them to join you - maybe they just need to be shown there’s more to do than shopping!