Am I being unreasonable about my in-laws' daily five minute visits?

[ThatSnappyOP]

I get on better now with my in-laws than I ever have but they turn up nearly everyday, they do live around the corner which I get but they literally come, play pass the parcel and then they go. Me and my partner have said to them that it upsets our 11mo son when they come for 5 minutes and then go. However they won’t stay here for longer than 5 minutes because they’re “busy” or they’ve “got to go to the shop”. My mil now comes to take him to the shop everyday which I’m kind of not happy about, she doesn’t ask she just says “I’ll take him with me get his car seat”. They drive to about 4 different shops and either mil stays in the car or fil to watch our son. I know I probably sound like I’m being awkward but they have another grandchild which they have every weekend and one day during the week. They dont do normal things like take him to the park, take him to the zoo or anything like that, they just drive to the shops and back to their home. I don’t really see that as actually spending time with the grandchild or am I just being fussy? I don’t want them to think I’m being awkward or not wanting them to have a relationship with our son but mil can be very pushy. I want my son to be brought up by us and not them if that makes sense?

Two hours in a car seat in this weather? Nah.

Do they come at the same time every day? I'd be going out then to the park, swimming, playgroup, class - anything. And point out he'll have much more fun doing that than sitting in the car for hours!

I don’t understand this at all.

Why haven’t you told them you don’t want them doing this? You have plans, you don’t want DC driving around for two hours?

They are YOUR CHILD!!!

Is there a huge festering DH problem behind all this?

You and DH need to decide what it is that you want… then make that happen.

for instance, if you don’t want daily visits, have DH tell them “mum/dad, we love seeing you but the daily, pop in visits just don’t work for us. Is there an hour once a week we could set aside to catch up?”

if you don’t want them taking him, “thanks for the offer but we don’t need help with childcare today”, “that’s a nice thought but I’ve arranged another activity/meet up this morning”, “we like to visit as a family”, “no, I’ll let you know when I’m ready for him to go on outings alone”, “no, that’s a long time in the car for no reason”

I feel like some responses are being deliberately obtuse.

No, you would not be unreasonable to ask them not to stick him in his car seat and drive him around the shops for 1-2 hours. That isn't benefiting him in any way. I remember trying quite hard to minimise the time my DC spent stuck in a car seat.

No, you would not be unreasonable to ask them to cut out the random 5 minute visits and perhaps pop round less frequently but for more time - like come round for tea and cake, join us for lunch, come to the park with us etc.

I remember how it felt with a baby and managing other people's expectations. But I promise you, you can just say no, I don't think that works for us, or I don't think it's in baby's best interests. I wish I'd spoken up sooner in my own situation, it probably would have cut down on the seething resentment I feel and I'd probably have a better relationship with my in-laws now (we are very low contact).

No they turn up at all sorts of times. I actually took her with me to the park and we was there 10 minutes and she wanted to go back to see her dogs.

What would you like them to do? What does DH think?

This.

Either they think they’re doing you a favour and giving you a small break, or they’re using your dc so they can park in the p&c spaces. Why do they need to shop everyday anyway?

Seems weird just say not today, it's too hot for dc to be in a car seat. Pop back in at xyz time and we can take the dogs and dc for a walk or go to the park etc.

Channel your inner Zammo and just say no.

You aren't being unreasonable to be annoyed by this, but you are totally unreasonable to just let it keep happening without saying anything.

They don’t walk the dogs that’s the problem… trying to get them to do anything other than what fits around what they want to do doesn’t happen

OP, please take note of @PinkiePipe, she speaks a LOT of sense.

How weird, were they like that as parents to DH? Uninterested and unorganised?

Try to just accept it and let it go, they're oddities so keep repeating those phrases mo thanks not today let's do x on y date or at z time. And they'll keep saying no. But you have to keep saying the same thing like a useless social dance 😄 as at least they're not horrible.
So strange to not want to go and do real life things or at least go for lunch on a weekend or what not. Take the dogs nd baby for a coffee and walk at a nat trust place on a Sunday etc. Strange