Mums who were on the fence about motherhood how did you figure it out?

[Sess249]

Hi everyone,

those of you who weren’t sure about having a baby how did you figure it out?

I’ve been with my partner for nine years now - stable and really happy. We brought a house two years ago and since I’ve been thinking more and more about becoming a mum. We’ve talked about it across the years, mostly that we were ready, or still weren’t sure and so just agreed to come back to it later on.

Since we’ve got the house it’s been on my mind more and more. I’ve even gone to my GP and discussed coming off my contraception and had my immunity checked (for things you can get vaxed for while pregnant).

but I’m still wavering. I held someone else’s sleeping little girl the other week and thought yes I would be very very sad to not have this for myself! I feel like I’m on the fence and could do with some encouragement or thought provoking ideas either way!

How old are you?

You don’t sound on the fence to me 😊

I have never in my life held a baby and thought ooh I wish I had one. That’s on the fence! Had 2 kids after a lot of pressure from partner and of course love them to bits.

I made myself a promise we’d stop at one if we wanted/needed to. That made it feel less like locking myself into something (this probably sounds a little mad), but in my head us + one child did feel different to “starting a family” (=2.4 kids, probably a bigger house, bigger car, bigger garden, dog, roof box, camping holidays, etc etc).

I also thought I was much more likely to regret being in my 40/50s/60s without kids than seriously regret any child(ren) I had. That might sound cold, but if you’re at the pros/cons stage, that’s basically what tipped it for me.

I never felt I wanted children, then I met DH, and it all seemed very right to have them.

While i wasn't sure, it was a topic that came up so often over the years or was in my head wondering - if took that as a sign to just go for it as I couldn't keep thinking about it forever.
Turns out it was the best thing ever and I'm so relieved I did. Everything i thought was great about my life before now seems a bit pathetic 😕
Also how you feel about your own child is nowhere near what you feel for other people's. its infinitely more.

I’m 36 and still ambivalent. We will most likely go ahead and try (for one only) because I’m banking on my future self thinking ‘this was worth it’. It’s a huge gamble though, can’t deny that.

We were together 18 years and I had never been the slightest bit interested in babies. I was 36 and we decided to make a definite decision and move on. After a few weeks of talking about it we decided to go for it, which was a gamble. We were financially comfortable and had travelled and been a couple for a long time.
I was pregnant within a month and truthfully terrified I might have made a mistake.
Thirty years later it remains the single best decision I ever made. I had one at 37and the second a week before my 40th.

I just knew I wanted to be a mum. Not just to a baby, but a teenager, an adult.

Be careful about making your decision based on babies. The early years are cute but also gruelling, physically. Think long term.

It was a leap of faith really after 10 years together. Got pregnant straight away but sadly miscarried a couple of months later. I was bereft. That had me flip from unsure to desperate for a baby (like crazy lady level desperate). Not the way you want to feel sure, but it at least gave me clarity on what I wanted.

For a lot of people it is a leap of faith because if you spend too long thinking about the responsibility of it all, you wobble. But that’s normal. Having a baby is huge but for me it’s been amazing. Glad I took the leap!

35 so not young! Dr mentioned reduced fertility after 35 so not to hang about if we wanted to be parents

There is no one else I would want to be the father of my (potential) kids, so I feel like I’ve got that bit right. I think maybe I just sort of thought it would become this giant big longing rather than an “here’s an idea I’m considering “

It was the same for me. It was a sudden switch too.

Sorry for your loss. I had a really good friend lose 4 or 5 pregnancy’s in quick succession and it was awful. Thanks for sharing with me

If my partner hadn’t proposed marriage I wouldn’t have wanted children with him.

It taxes the strongest of relationships
and as a woman you are usually the one that gives up career/earning power. You need the protection of marriage in this situation.

You are in a good position by not being desperate for kids because it’s not actually a decision you can make - nature either does its thing or it doesn’t. Perhaps let nature take its course?

Also - it’s not just babies/toddlers. Primary aged children and teenagers are (imho) even more of a delight. They are such fun as they develop their own personalities and tastes. I have a Nirvana-mad 11 yo and a 14 yo who is big into makeup, going to town and TikTok. It’s hard but great. Your whole life changes and your relationship with your partner either breaks or goes to a whole new level.

Didn’t want children
Career driven
Absolute fear of childbirth
4 in 13years …
Still not sure how it went from
‘let’s have 1 and see how we get on ‘

I don’t think I do….. We live in a country where after 3 years together each person is entitled to half of everything. We have a joint account (that he is paid into) and each one half of house (well half of the piece that the bank doesn’t own 😂).

I think if I went to my partner and said “I want to get married, it’s become important to me” he would say sure. But we are both the children of divorced parents & since the law here is different to the UK I think it’s fine. We also can’t afford for me to SAHM so I will end up with working post mat leave anyways

I was waiting for that "giant big longing" and thought it meant I wasn't going to have children. By 36 it hadn't happened but we made the plunge. If I'd known before how I would feel after having the baby I would have had them sooner and had more than two.

I think if you hold someone’s baby and the thought of never having one makes you sad, then you’re most likely someone that ‘wants’ to have kids. Sounds like you’re stable so go for it! It doesn’t have to be ‘perfect’ to have kids as long as you you and your partner are stable emotionally and relatively financially.

We still rent our house but sometimes you can have everything: fancy house, car, perfect husband but the fear of having all of that and not having a baby was so scary to me. Ie we could have the perfect life but if I couldn’t get pregnant or it was ‘too late’ , the ‘owned’ house would probably mean nothing to having our baby. So go for it!! It’s the best feeling in the world…

I had an “accidental” pregnancy at 37 (inverted commas because I don’t believe in accidental pregnancies!) I miscarried-and we could hardly wait to try again. Had first at 38, second at 41. Very glad I didn’t have them earlier, though.

I agree with others, it sounds like it is something you want...?

I never really wanted kids and had them relatively late (at 37 and 39) after we'd been married for about 10 years.

While I love my kids and would die for them, etc, it's certainly the hardest thing I've ever done and has challenged me in ways I never could have imagined. DC1 is autistic and adhd (not diagnosed until a teen - high masking) and parenting in general has put the most enormous strain on my relationship with DH. Family life isn't really what I'd expected or even what I would want it to be.

But neither DH nor I were parented particularly well, we both come from 'broken homes' and so therefore had no model of good parenting or family life. For me, being a parent has brought up all sorts of unresolved shit from my own childhood that has been messy to deal with at the same time as parenting DC1 in particularly.

But if you feel psychologically robust, don't have too much complicated stuff of your own and want to do it, just do it. There is no 'right time'.