Help protect children from gaming harms.

Take our survey

Please or to access all these features

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Mums who were on the fence about motherhood how did you figure it out?

28 replies

Sess249 · 03/07/2026 21:14

Hi everyone,

those of you who weren’t sure about having a baby how did you figure it out?

I’ve been with my partner for nine years now - stable and really happy. We brought a house two years ago and since I’ve been thinking more and more about becoming a mum. We’ve talked about it across the years, mostly that we were ready, or still weren’t sure and so just agreed to come back to it later on.

Since we’ve got the house it’s been on my mind more and more. I’ve even gone to my GP and discussed coming off my contraception and had my immunity checked (for things you can get vaxed for while pregnant).

but I’m still wavering. I held someone else’s sleeping little girl the other week and thought yes I would be very very sad to not have this for myself! I feel like I’m on the fence and could do with some encouragement or thought provoking ideas either way!

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 18/07/2026 14:34

Re: babies’ sleep. DS slept 10pm-6am unbroken from 9 weeks. DD didn’t sleep for more than 2.5 hours at a time until she was 3.5…. There is no typical baby sleep!

MrsBigglesworth · 18/07/2026 20:08

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 18/07/2026 14:34

Re: babies’ sleep. DS slept 10pm-6am unbroken from 9 weeks. DD didn’t sleep for more than 2.5 hours at a time until she was 3.5…. There is no typical baby sleep!

Yes, after having my child I learnt that friends of mine with children had children who woke up every 45 minutes for 1.5 years. Or who went to sleep at 10pm then woke up at 3am for the day consistently for 3+ years. Whilst these situations are unfortunate and possibly unusual, it's a roll of the dice and not that uncommon either (off the top of my head I can think of five friends who were in this extreme boat, and a few more who described their babies or their friends' babies as terrible sleepers for years, and I don't know the exact specifics).

OP, if you have children, you devote the rest of your life to raising and caring for them. And the first 18 years are defined by supporting them and ensuring they are cared for, with their needs evolving as they grow - childcare, school runs, out of school hours care, care and engagement with them during the holidays, children's parties and playdates, extracurricular activities, etc. Some parents may primarily feel joy and fulfilment, some may primarily feel trapped. Your life fundamentally changes - instead of adult-focused activities and pursuing your own interests, as you are currently doing, your priority becomes child-focused activities and interests for many years. You sacrifice yourself, your own interests, free time and study and job opportunities etc. because your priority must be to support your children. They are also expensive so your lifestyle and financial freedom to do things like eat out, go to concerts and on holidays etc. will change unless you are very wealthy. You only have one life and could die at any time so how do you want to spend it?

Another angle of thinking could be, if you had a child, do you think they would be happy to be born into this world, with its economy, environmental issues, societal issues, house prices etc.? Are you confident you can give your child a good future? Our children owe us nothing (i.e., gratitude for our care or being born). They will experience challenges, hurt and struggle like we all do. If as a parent you get sick and die, you worry about the impact on them. Mother guilt is very real and for me has been quite difficult. I am no longer carefree. There is an angle of thinking here where you consider the prospective child's wants and wellbeing, rather than your wants.

I know my contributions are more negative but they are all true as well. You asked for food for thought and I think it's important to consider things fully. Only after I became a parent and was honest about my struggles with my friends did around 50% of my long-term friends who are mothers say they felt unhappy and trapped, and that they would not have chosen to become parents had they known what it was really like. They did not say this beforehand to me as they feared judgement and wondered if they were alone in their feelings. Of course not everyone feels this way but when you think about it it's quite a logical reaction to the responsibilities of parenthood. In contrast none of the new mothers I've met in mother's groups, where the relationship is quite superficial, have admitted such feelings, even when they're clearly struggling. I think it's a massive taboo so you're not going to get an honest perspective from that side of things unless people really trust you and don't fear judgement. That's why I recommend asking ChatGPT as well and not just parents on a parenting site who may have a particular interest in parenting. Choosing to become a parent is choosing life on "hard mode" for a person who doesn't exist yet. Yes, you grow a lot as a person through surviving the challenges, and your child adds a dimension to life that wouldn't otherwise exist, which hopefully includes a richness, meaning and sense of fulfilment. However I believe those positives can also be achieved in other ways and most people can live a happy and fulfilled life without being a parent. Possibly, you end up with a wonderful relationship and a deeply loved family member of whom you are proud. Possibly, you end up with estrangement, drama, resentment, a child you're disappointed with, etc. (see the many threads on this website for examples of that).

And I told a friend of mine all of this and she's now pregnant anyway. The biological urges are strong! In the end I encourage you to think carefully, and choose the life that you think will make you happiest.

Coralsunset · 18/07/2026 20:20

For me it was like a switch went on. One minute I was really not interested in having DC ever. The next I was DESPERATE to have one.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread