Adoption

[PurpleProse82]

Does anyone have experience of adoption? Is it overwhelmingly negative for the child placed for adoption? I thought it might be the kindest thing to do (I am a lone parent really struggling. Mentally unwell. I dont know how to dress my child, can't cope and dont want to resent both him and I.) but research I'm reading suggests that it might be even worse for him than bad parenting. I have been talking to perinatal mental health but they say it's my decision.
I am aware that it comes across as very selfish but all I want is the least bad option for both my son and myself. He is a baby (under 1).

I'm really sorry to read that you're struggling. How old is your child? Are you getting any support outside of perinatal mental health services?

The baby is under 1. I've lasted several months but dont feel this can go on long-term. I care for the baby very much but don't feel overwhelming love. I would never hurt him. But I feel weary and unwell.

Has foster care been considered?

Adoption is getting bad press at the moms, understandably, but usually it’s a positive thing. There is nothing wrong with wanting the best thing for yourself as well as for your child.

What is the research you are reading?

Have you got any family support?

Where is the father?

I’m so sorry that you are this unwell @PurpleProse82

No father.

I have some family support but I am not close to my family.

Every search online, even worded very neutrally, regarding adoption brings up links from everywhere as wide-ranging as Adoption UK and Reddit that adopted children are more at risk of attachment trauma, mental illness and suicide.

My cousin is adopted into our family. It is an open adoption, so there is regular contact with their birth mother (birthdays, Mother’s Day, Christmas etc). He was adopted at about 9 months (had previously been in foster care) Had a great childhood, adored by adoptive parents. Now graduated from college & working in dream job.
I wish you well whatever you decide.

Adoption isn't always negative, and while the child might always have a what if or a wondering about things, the main thing is you think you can offer a positive alternative to that. If you can't, it sounds like you don't think you can, then perhaps seek professional help there, and like others have said fostering may work? It's a heart breaking decision as being a parent is hard let alone sole, but if you're saying you can't dress your child then it's a serious situation and you both need help asap.

Hope you’re ok @PurpleProse82. Do you mind me asking if the baby was planned? It does get easier, you’re in the thick of it. Could you look at something like Homestart for some help?

I know adoptive parents and the children are doing amazingly well from really poor starts so adoption is not necessarily negative. Whether it is right for you is separate, do you have any family support, the child’s father, professional/voluntary sector support? My concern is very much for you as if you can get support now you can get better and be a great mum.

it’s an option and your baby will be very much loved but you need to work out for you.

Yes, the baby was planned. The lack of love I feel has been a real shock to me, although I have had mental health issues for years
There is no Home Start in the area where I live but thank you for suggesting.

What kind of mental health support are you receiving at the moment?

Im so sorry you’re feeling this way it must be so upsetting x

Based on what I’ve read even babies who are adopted very young suffer a lot of trauma from the experience so it won’t be a magic answer. The best option of all would be if you could get some support and help? You can learn to love your baby any time. I had depression and didn’t really love mine properly until he was older. Now I adore him and i’m a great mum. With help you can fix this

I self referred to social services and nhs mental health team. They did this big plan and I got parenting classes and stuff and they came to my house and helped me.

Honestly I thought it would be BS, i’m very educated read every book under the sun, and it was soooo good and helpful.

Im an adopter, and my daughter is now nearly 17. I think of adoption as sometimes the least worst option. It is complicated and problematic, but bottom line is that my daughter is a wonderful person and we love each other. Her birth mother had problems that weren't really fixable.

I think your problems may well be fixable, but that doesnt mean that adoption is not a solution worth considering. Talk to social services: I hope and expect they would explore a range of options with you. Fostering, for example, would allow you a breathing space to focus on yourself while your baby is cared for. You could still visit. Or there are mother and baby placements where you would get help with parenting.

I think you are very brave to admit your baby may be better off somewhere else. I hope you are wrong and that social services can support you to a more confident, positive place. But if you are right, they can help you think through the options. Very best of luck to you.

I have heard this several times (that with help, it can be fixed), but nothing is helping. I have been engaging with the perinatal mental health team since the baby's birth and am on anti-depressants yet every day I just feel worse.

The majority of adopted children suffer lifelong mental health problems. Not sure for birth parents, but future you could regret this. What can you do short term to see if you can get some respite. You sound v depressed, I’m so sorry.

ps OP it sounds like you want to escape from your feelings which is what depression does. When your depression eases you may find you feel v differently. 1 year is nothing, although I appreciate a long time to feel so low

OP please reach out to social services and ask how they can support you with this. Whatever you decide is going to require a lot of support. Please also tell your HV how you’re feeling. Either they can all help you come up with a support plan or they can help set up an adoption. Please don’t struggle on alone with this.

I was in a very very bad place after the birth of DC1 because he was born completely rigid and it was very hard to dress him etc. He didn’t like cuddles and never slept. I didn’t bond with him at all. I was alone with him for quite a while. I have bipolar disorder. It’s hard.

There is no right or wrong answer here. But bear in mind those stats on adoption outcomes usually don’t separate out the adoptions where there was no abuse and adoptions done by family court due to serious abuse. Lots of people grow up to be successful after an adoption. Dara O Briain, for example. Michael Gove. I’m not saying they are totally unaffected by it but it’s not all terrible outcomes. Sending you support with this. Please pick up the phone and ring social services for advice on how they can best support you both. 💐

OP ask @mnhq to move this to the adoption board. You’ll get much more considered and knowledgeable answers there.

I'm sorry, I didn't know there was an adoption board. Thank you.

Poor mental health makes you feel like there will never be a positive future, thats your illness talking, it doesn’t mean its true. Lots of parents don’t love their children at first, but unlike you lots of people aren’t brave enough to admit that, just like they aren’t brave enough to get help for their mental health.

Is your baby at nursery at all? Do you have a job to go back to when you are well enough?

Adoption outside of the birth family is always the last resort no matter why a child is in care. Birthday families are always explored first (thats how we became parents). So if it did come to your little one leaving your care the birth family would be explored first, if no one was considered suitable foster care would be the next option. It would then be decided if you maintain PR with the social services, or if PR is removed, only at that point would adoption be a possibility.

I’m sorry you are struggling so much. I am an adoptive mum. Adoption does come with trauma and loss for everyone involved but sometimes it is needed. However, a lot of children who come into the care system have had a very bad start in life (abuse, neglect etc.) It does not sound like this is the case for your son. I’m not saying that means he won’t be affected, but just bear in mind when you are reading about adoption that very few children are relinquished these days, so it’s not necessarily a fair or accurate comparison. Adoption is normally a last resort, with social workers looking within the immediate and then wider family first. Is there anyone in your family that would want to be assessed to take care of your son? That would usually be explored first. His father would also have to be contacted. There are charities that support birth mothers and it may be worth contacting one of them for a chat (family action I think). I wish you all the best and really hope you get the help you need. You clearly want the best for your child if you’re even thinking about this.

I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation

I was unwell following the birth of my daughter. I had severe PND and maternal OCD. I felt I wished I hadn't had her and that she'd have been better off without me. We were in a mother and baby unit for 2mths (after 2mths unwell at home) and even after being discharged it was a good while until I felt "myself" again. Anyway, the point I'm getting to is that I adore my daughter now, love looking after her, love being her mum. I'd be utterly heartbroken if I didn't have her and i actually think im a pretty great mum these days. Mental illness can take away your hope for ever feeling this way but others can hold that hope for you. It may take trying several other medications, therapy, time, but postnatal mental illness does tend to resolve for most people

I don't know you and your situation may differ from mine but if you are going through similar to the above, don't write yourself off yet OP

There are a lot of steps before giving your child up for adoption. Please reach out to social services and ask for some help.