Adoption

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Does anyone have experience of adoption? Is it overwhelmingly negative for the child placed for adoption? I thought it might be the kindest thing to do (I am a lone parent really struggling. Mentally unwell. I dont know how to dress my child, can't cope and dont want to resent both him and I.) but research I'm reading suggests that it might be even worse for him than bad parenting. I have been talking to perinatal mental health but they say it's my decision.
I am aware that it comes across as very selfish but all I want is the least bad option for both my son and myself. He is a baby (under 1).

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling OP. I can't comment on adoption as I have no real knowledge of this, but I have been in a state of overwhelm with a baby under 1. While I had a DH, he was working away, I had no real family support, and I felt like a bit of a shit mum. Tired, and didn't feel the rush of love I had expected. Turns out it snuck up on me, once I got sleep and time to myself.

Do you get either at the moment? Would you consider your mental health team good, or do you need to look at changing supports or antidepressants? If you're on the wrong dose, it can make things worse I believe. Is paid childcare an option for relief, while you figure things out?

The very fact you're considering adoption from what it means for your child, rather than what it means for you, is indicative that you will do the right thing for them no matter what that is. ❤️ Maternal love is often a fierce, protective thing, instead of a soft, warm love I find.

Best of luck with your decision and your journey.

i am an adoptive parent and i love my child beyond everything - but because of that love i would always have wanted her to have grown up with her biological mother if at all possible - so please don’t feel bad about the situation but make sure you contact social services and say you need help - they will support you and want it to get better - as they made every effort with my daughters biological mother. it didn’t work out but her situation was very different than yours . not feeling love for a baby is not unusual ! a lot of
mothers only connect with their children as they get older. it
is clear from your post that you are a
caring loving mother who is having a hard time— if you had broken legs you would feel terrible but need support and things would slowly get better. you are strong and you will get stronger - just take it 15 mins at a time and reach out for help and social services in my experience are full of
people who genuinely will
care and support you and your child -
you can have respite care - foster parents help support families
like
yours - some mothers even move in for a while to a foster families home - so many options before adoption is considered - it’s a process to engage in together with experienced professionals who will help you whatever you decide lots of love x

Sorry to hear you are struggling, it sounds really difficult for you right now.
what have the perinatal team suggested? Have they considered being in a mother and baby unit at all? Have you been diagnosed with PND? You don’t want to make any rash decisions, but I’m sure you know that already. What about the father? Does he have any input? Could the baby be placed with another family member? That tends to be more beneficial than adoption I think. Take care

I was adopted from baby and quite honestly, I do feel some trauma and a sense of not quite being enough, however I do also know that my birth mother did what she thought would be the best thing for me. I have had a wonderful life with a loving family. I’m now also a mother and that first year really was the trenches, it sounds like you would really benefit from more support so please do contact social services, health visitor, your gp etc…so that you can make an informed decision.

Can’t understand why my post was deleted, makes it look like I’ve been abusive towards the OP.

There is no mother and baby unit in Northern Ireland, where I am located.
There is no father, I'm the only parent.

what about foster care ? there are even mother and baby placements to support mothers who are struggling. That way you are not giving up your parental rights completely and you may well feel differently about being a mum if your mental health improves and you are able to rest and recover a bit.

Your first sentence is highly misleading and I would be amazed if you could provide a reputable source for it (if you can, please do). Scaremongering isnt needed here.

Read adoption UK’s latest report with adoptees calling for lifelong support…

I was adopted at 12 months. I have no particular mental health issues and I live a nice and stable life (with the exception of having a child with special needs). I am close to my parents who have always been very supportive and open about me being adopted. I was adopted because my birth parents were not well mentally and would have had life long struggles with mental health, financial problems, no stability.
I thank my lucky stars I was not subjected to a childhood of witnessing that. I am so happy I was adopted. I have had amazing opportunities and love.

If it is really not possible for you to get better in a permanent way (and sometimes MH illness is lifelong) then it is very brave and LOVING of you to consider your child being adopted.

Having difficult early life experiences which are often painful long into adulthood is NOT the same as 'mental health problems'. Again, I'd like to know the source rather than be airily referred to a magazine. Our children are stigmatised and pathologised enough without thoughtless comments like this.

Two of my cousins were adopted as babies and are very well adjusted. Went to university, have steady careers and long term relationships. They don't talk about trauma. Same for my coworker, although she has a minor LD due to her birth mom drinking. I know another child who is still young but basically the happiest kid anyone has ever meet ever. (However the newer sibling was adopted as an older baby is sadder but it's getting better with time.)

I think the trauma might be more if they are neglected in the first couple years, or adopted when they are older. It may be hard on the baby at first but I think it's probably for the best that they are adopted if you really can't cope. Wishing you both the best OP.

Eta I don't think you are selfish for wanting to do the best for both of you. I guess questions are, will you regret it terribly? Be relieved? Is this a permanent depression for you as a parent or post natal depression that might get better with time? I think you should talk it through with a counselor if possible.

OP, have this moved to the very kind and knowledgeable adoption board. But as I understand it, it’s very difficult to sever parental rights.

Op you might have post partum depression and need support. I’d recommend speaking to gp, hv or mental heath asap. Sounds like you want the best for your baby and I’m sorry you feel this way. If there’s anyway that you can feel better and care for your baby then that would be the best outcome.

Do you have any friends who could help? Where in NI are you? Some one might Know of support in that area.

Before considering adoption it would make sense to reach out to social services to see if they can offer the sort of support you are needing. Even if you did eventually consider adoption you would need to be talking to social services anyway so it might be better to speak to them now and get their help to make it possible to look after your baby.

Caring for a baby with no partner or family support is a massive challenge even without mental ill health on top. You just need the right support.

I think it would be best not to request that this thread go to the adoption board as that is the last resort. Proper support at home is what you need at this stage.

If you’re in NI ask to be referred to ABC PIP, the health visitor should be able to do it. It’s a charity that specialises in baby bonding. They really helped me. Wishing you all the best.

You're considering adoption because you don't feel overwhelming love. What is that overwhelming love? I've raised three children and I'm not sure I feel what I've read others describe or that I'm as good a parent as others, but I'm good enough, OP. That's what children need. No-one wants perfect, not really. Your child needs to be clean, warm and fed. That is love. Sometime it looks like surviving, sometimes coping and sometimes thriving. If that's you, or if it's achievable then maybe that's OK. No-one knows for sure, but you know better than anyone.

I have had mental health issues which pre-date the baby by a couple of decades. I have been hospitalised with mental health issues three times many years prior to the baby being born.

I do not drink alcohol or take drugs, nor did I during pregnancy (and I have never taken drugs, ever). I would never hurt, hit or shout at a baby. The worst that would ever happen and that has happened is that I let him cry sometimes (obviously not all the time) because I can not pick him up all the time, I am exhausted and dread every day and hate my existence. I am a caring person at heart but I made a big mistake in having the baby. My mental illness is not such that my judgement is severely impaired so having the baby was entitely my responsibility and I made a profound mistake, but I felt a huge desire to have a baby. I have never had a steady partner. I am truly sorry but it is not for the baby to bear the brunt of my mistake. I feel so sad when I look at him, thinking he will end up like me. I just want to ensure he grows up well, loved and with people who are well organised, have energy and are in good health.
I hear awful stories about adoption. I think I would reflgret it deeply but I can't see any other way out. I have taken anti-depressant and mood stabilising medication for years (prior to the baby) and it has never worked. I am taking medication again now, it has not worked (given my history, I am not surprised).

I too was very unwell after my son's birth so have some understanding about how you feel you might not have bonded. What worked for me was to fake it until I made it. So I might not have felt love for ds but I treated him as though I did. I hugged him, kissed him,sang to him, rocked him. I kept a tally and eventually realised I wasn't doing it to keep up the tally I was doing it because I loved him.
My son is an adult now and my pride and joy, we are close and there seems to have been no effects from his early days where I faked it.

This is very misleading. I am adopted and have no mental health issues. I’m even a mythical Mumsnet higher earner. I was adopted as a 3 month old.

I had a closed adoption and have had no interest in meeting the lady who gave birth to me. I hold no grudge in fact I hope she has had a lovely life and is at peace with the decision she made. Hopefully she achieved her goals and dreams. If she turned up at my door today I’d be shocked but I’d thank her, I don’t know her history but she made the right decision as I have a fabulous family. Luckily I have never been forced to have contact. I am glad I wasn’t born today only to be forced to have contact and diaries, photos etc. Being an adoptee was a tiny part of my childhood. It’s certainly never been my identity.

I am actually thankful that the woman who gave birth to me put me up adoption because I can honestly say I have the best family! They are very different to me personality wise but we look similar. I had a fabulous childhood and speak to them daily.

That said op please get support. Not all adoptees are well placed. You may find you can overcome this with support. Do you have siblings or parents who can support you?

Foster carers and adopters have activities they can do to increase the bond - you may find this helps. Baby massage, staring into their eyes, meditation, skin to skin. I hope all works out for you op.

I still don’t think it’s possible to arrange what the OP wants. SS, to the best of my knowledge, will offer support aimed at keeping the baby with its mother as a default, and long after that, will consider a kinship care order that will keep the baby within the OP’s family while she still retains parental rights, so the OP’s family would be canvassed and assessed. Adoption, as I understand it, would be very much a last choice, if no one in the family were suitable.

OP, from your latest update it sounds like your son is safe, warm and fed. You're doing the damn thing. ❤️ Leaving a baby somewhere secure to fuss during moments of busyness or overwhelm is the safest option, and one most of us have used.

It sounds like you have a lot of worry that your son will turn out like you, or will be missing out raised by you. Adoption is an option you're already exploring, but to offer another perspective, you could also model how to do your best to cope with this hand life has dealt. It sounds like you already are.

I would also wonder, if you were able to ease these worries would you feel a little better? Understanding of course you have underlying MH issues outside of postpartum so it's not perfectly clear cut.

To say again, you also need rest. Your son will have dozens of positive role models and input throughout his life. Childcare to teachers to sports coaches. There's no harm letting him have positive role models early with some childcare for relief.

Hi OP, so sorry to hear you are going through this. After waiting for my baby for years I also struggled when they got here. I had professional help. I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like for you doing it all alone, I had a partner who worked away during the week and it was tough. This must have taken a toll on your mental health. enrolling baby into childcare might help - you can get things in order, catch up on sleep, do meal prep, sort out clothes for the week, etc. you will feel guilty but when you pick baby up you will be feeling a bit more like yourself again. It helps a bit. Just try as many options as you can, try and go to other mother and baby groups, you will find other people who are also going through challenges but it does get better, and I hope it does for you.