Kids not wanting to meet with friends

[SaltCave]

Why don’t my sons want to meet up with friends outside of school? Both autistic. Ive suggested over summer they could meet up with friends but both have said absolutely no way. Has anyone experienced this? (They do have friends in school)

Not everyone had an idyllic childhood in the tech-free 80s. I'm also autistic and was bullied mercilessly by the kids at school and the neighbourhood kids who played out where I lived. It was miserable. But hey, not a phone in sight

Not everyone wants friends. Some kinds find school exhausting. The evenings, weekends, holidays are time to switch off. Making plans, seeing people all requires effort and energy that they may not have. Wait till a couple of weeks in once they’ve had chance to switch off and relax then broach the subject again

They've been with their friends the whole time when they're at school. They probably just value a bit of time to themselves.

Not everyone wants to socialise all the time. Lots of people - kids included - enjoy a chance to just chill and do their own thing for a while.

I'm not autistic and neither is my brother, but we were both kids who weren't really that bothered about seeing friends all the time and liked to have time alone outside school. Neither of us ever wanted to join clubs after school or at weekends either. My sister was (and still is) the complete opposite and loved to see friends a lot, but my brother and I both really, really loved just doing our own thing. And I suspect that if your kids are autistic, that might make some time to recharge their social battery particularly appealing.

For some people, socialising can be hard work. That doesn't mean it's not fun, but it does mean they won't want to do it all the time. I would genuinely have been completely happy not to see my friends at all during the summer holidays.

I think that, if you're someone who does like seeing people, it might be quite hard for you to see this from the point of view of a more introverted person, but I think if your sons are telling you they don't want to bother with socialising in the holidays, you really just need to believe them.

Can you explain why it worries you?

So you spent your whole time out of school hanging out with your mum? It worries me because it isn’t exactly usual behaviour for teen boys?

So you spent your whole time out of school hanging out with your mum? It worries me because it isn’t exactly usual behaviour for teen boys?

Don’t feel sad, it’s their choice.

Are they close to each other?

Not overly

Thank goodness - imagine if there had been phones back then - the bullying carry’s on into the home doesn’t it - it’s awful

Yes our son refused to meet up from very young.Would just about tolerate if I was there with the other parent No interest in meeting anyone and didn’t enjoy school.No real friends ever only chatted with people he worked with later in life.Used alcohol as a crutch.So I would say normal with autism.At least they have each other.I always thought it sad but it was how he wanted to be.Are there any clubs for teens with autism in your area?

They wouldn’t be seen dead at any clubs, they went when young but have refused to go ever since

For some people school (or work if adult) is one half of their life and home is the other half - but the two must never crossover.
Unless they seem unhappy or lonely then I would leave them be.

I just feel sad for them they spend all their time off school tagging around with me as they don’t like being left home alone either (dont me wrong I don’t mind the company) but I see kids out at the park together, riding bikes, playing football and I just feel sad they won’t have that experience

This sounds a bit like me in school. I think saw school friends a bit like on I see work colleagues now. Get on with them perfectly in work and we are very friendly but have no great desire to hang out with them out or work.

Well, like you say, they’re autistic so they don’t see socialising the same way as neurotypical boys.

I feel you op and could have written this post. My son is 16, just finished GCSEs and we have 2 months looming ahead. I see all the other teens living their best lives and being out all the time, parties etc but mine just doesn’t seem to be interested. I’d actually appreciate if he gamed with friends online tbh! He seems to have friends in school but think he’s on the periphery of groups and so either isn’t getting invited or isn’t making the effort himself - it’s hard to tell. His father and I are very social so struggle to understand him - sometimes I get quite upset about it but then I need to think he’s different to us and that’s ok too - he doesn’t seem to be upset and is happy to potter around at home but who knows what’s going on beneath the surface - maybe it does bother him - I have no idea! So no advice but you’re not the only one. He was also diagnosed with asd when younger but is so high functioning now that it doesn’t really impact him on a day to day basis. This world just really seems to celebrate extroverts and maybe I’ve got to accept my introverted child is happy as he is? Or maybe I should be helping him and pushing him more socially - I have no idea!

Thanks, it’s nice to know im not alone with this, people say why do you worry but how can you not worry? I’d love for them to have a couple of mates they could meet with outside of school. My son often moans if I can’t take him to the park because I’m busy and expected to drop everything or moans if im not good at playing football with him.

Did you have friends outside of school

I didn’t ‘hang out with my mum’ all the time. I was just chilling at home and doing my own thing, as was my brother. I’m sure I did things with my mum now and again but I was quite happy to wander off and do something on my own. I used to go on bike rides, take my dogs for walks, go for a look round the shops, go to the library, and do various hobbies. My brother was similar. He could happily spend whole days devising incredibly complex international football tournaments in his head, with scoring systems involving dice. I was perfectly happy to spend a day drawing pictures of bugs I found in the garden. When I was a teenager I used to get the train into London and blow all my saved pocket money in Camden Market.

I think you’re feeling sad for your sons because you can’t quite grasp that they don’t want the same things as you do. You don’t need to feel sad for someone who is doing what they enjoy.

Oh thats the difference, they won’t go out without me either 😕

Are they happy doing their own thing at home though?

They don’t mind but yes they ask to go out places and then get annoyed if I can’t immediately drop things or if im busy

I did but was quite happy to hang out with my Mom. As an adult I have some very good friends but am still very close to my Mom.

I came to say the same thing. My DS struggled for a long time with any sort of crossover between his two worlds - couldn’t read school reading books at home, couldn’t wear home clothes to school on non uniform day, and certainly did not want to see or bump into any pupils or teachers from his school over the weekend or holidays! He just couldn’t handle the idea of things or people being somewhere they didn’t “belong”.

It sounds like their window of tolerance for socialising is quite small and this is likely to do with autism.

First, are they ok at school? Are they masking a lot and therefore might simply need more profound rest, for much longer than you might think is "usual"? My autistic child for example needs up to 2 days in their room alone after a 2 hour social event, just to reset. Maybe they are relieved it's the holidays and the demand of school is lifted but are not expressing this to you, as their inner emotional world might not be easy for them to access, process and communicate?

I guess - are you worried because they arent the same as other NT children or because you feel that they themselves are suffering from not having more connections with other children/fresh air/exercise? And what actually is the nature of the thing they are missing out on? As that might determine the best next step.
Have they had EP reports or do they have regular OT or SLT? Professionals can sometimes determine if they are socially motivated, or motivated by other things, and the strategies you can use to help them extend their comfort zone to get the benefits of connection with other humans, but in ways which do not over stress them but help them practice being with others yet advocating for themselves and making genuine connections.

The fact they need you sounds more frustrating for you than them. It sounds like they each use you as a sort of transitional object- 'when I go outside, mum is there'. It may have become a sort of "rule", then it doesn't even occur to them to do anything differently. I wonder if finding the right thing - and this might be with other adult support more than other children - could help you get a break.

My child was doing no exercise but found it impossible to "just play" with others the social rules were too hard to fathom. They came out with me fine though. So we took them to a weekly club, think rock climbing or circus skills, where there was a clear task and specific tools and an instructor who was almost 121 then they felt ok to do it with lots of breaks. Engaging with other children and doing a modicum of exercise then emerged gradually.

Finally - they are two people and I have lumped them together here. Maybe each of them needs a different strategy for going out more, you might need to do more detailed work finding out what separately motivates each one.