Struggling with my three-year-old's behaviour and losing my patience

[CheekyTealFawn]

I’ve always tried to practice gentle parenting. I think for the most part, since my 3 year old was born, I’ve been able to keep my cool when correcting ‘bad’ behaviour whilst being firm. DD has also been a very calm child (at least by young child standards).

I know this change in behaviour is normal, developmentally appropriate but.. wtf!! I thought I knew how hard toddlerhood would be but I really had NO idea.

everything is a battle. Teeth, nappy changes (potty trained but in nappies at night), getting dressed, eating. Nipping to the shops she’ll try to run towards the road and wriggle out of my hand. Time to leave the park, no matter with how much warning, she’ll bolt off to the other side and keep running until I’m forced to carry her the whole way home. I feel trapped in the house now. In her tantrums she has always hit or kicked, but now she’s started spitting at me or on the floor or pulling my hair or gouging my skin and nothing I do or say seems to make a difference.

today was particularly bad. The day started very very badly from the second she woke up, and I think I slowly spiralled from there. it was just constant, and I ended up so snappy and completely overwhelmed and then towards the evening became really zoned out. Like switched on to her needs and safety, but couldn’t focus when playing in the garden or when just chatting because my head was just gone. She said “you’re not responding to me!” multiple times today because she’d spoken to me and I was just staring into space. Broke my heart. I just feel like I wasn’t a very good mum today.

Now she’s in bed and all I can think about is how much I love her and how awful I feel about how snappy and impatient I’ve been with her today. Im worried I’m turning into an angry mum and I don’t know how to cope with this behaviour and hope you have some advice

I’m struggling with my 3 year old and even started a thread yesterday but honestly, spitting at you, gouging skin and being as violent as you describe isn’t normal and is a sign the gentle parenting is not working. DS wouldn’t dare do this. She needs proper discipline, and urgently. That doesn’t mean being unkind it means taking control and being authororitative. Being overly emotional about how much you love her etc will not help here.

She said " you're not responding to me"?
I think you need to completely overhaul and change your parenting.
Either classes or at least some good books.

Yes I also thought that was quite precociously rude and entitled. Nobody has the right to 100% of another person’s attention all the time. My children know that a few times throughout the day I’m busy and I won’t be engaging with them for a few minutes.

Really? Gosh I didn’t think much of it. I just thought it was a case of, yes I didn’t respond and she feels ignored. I have realised I do need to insist more on my own time now and then to have a coffee in peace or something

Stop gentle parenting! Little madam needs to learn who is boss!

oh gosh okay that’s not good!! We’re definitely firm, gentle in the sense we never shout at her unless she’s doing something dangerous. I honestly have no idea how to be firmer without shouting. I do know we’re not like some gentle parents, I once saw a 4/5 year old smacking her dad repeatedly in the face during a tantrum, and the dad was just going “oop! Big feelings! Big feelings!”, and I thought I’m definitely not THAT gentle. Maybe I need to take her to see someone

In what way? Maybe shown her she can demand my attention too much? Not trying to be argumentative I’m genuinely wondering as I hadn’t thought anything of it other than, wow I suck!

She is not the problem. Your parenting is the problem.

As long as you love and value her, the odd shout or raised voice is not going to hurt. Jeez I dread to think how a whole generation brought up by ‘gentle parents’ will cope in the future.

They (children) need to know:

• what the expectations are, “we are going to shop now and this busy road is dangerous so I need you to walk nicely and hold mummy’s hand”
• that mummy is in charge “no we are not going to play now, we are going to sit and have lunch.”
• and that mummy will be sunshiny mummy with love and praise at most times, except when she’s behaving badly or challenging boundaries.
• that you will know her well enough (and not be blinded by your overwhelming feelings of love of her) to know when she is playing up and needs a telling off, and when she is genuinely just tired or overwhelmed and just needs a cuddle (or to be jollied along).
• that as they get older, you will be more nuanced in this approach as they become more sensible, independent and trustworthy.

Ultimately you need to be in charge. At the moment you are deferring to her and her feelings, but she is not old enough to know what’s best. You are her mother and the adult whether you like it or not.

This is the thing. To me, what you just described is gentle parenting - firm but respectful of her as her own person who has thoughts and feelings. Gentle parenting has taken on a new meaning now from what it originally was, the term is associated with passive parenting now which I’m definitely not.

everything you said, I do and have always done! That’s why I’m at the end of my tether, because the only way to go more firm is to just shout all the time 🥲

What do you do when she's physical with you? Spitting, pulling hair, gouging skin? What do you say when she says that youre not responding?

Also have a three year old, also gentle parent - try looking up abanaturally on instagram - quite a few good strategies for teaching the behaviors you want, rather than reinforcing the ones you don't want inadvertently.

There’s a time and a place for gentle parenting and a time for firm discipline. There’s no way I would put up with violence like that. Obviously it’s different if there are additional needs at play but if there’s nothing like that going on then not a chance would I be passive about that.

So this was my daughter. Very headstrong, independent and knew her own mind.

If she hit or bit me. I would immediately pick her up, place her in her room and shut the door explaining that biting (or whatever) is not acceptable in this house. When she calmed down, I would talk to her and ask her why she thinks she had been placed in her room so she understood her actions had consequences and I would make her say sorry to me before she could leave.

No idea if this is classed as gentle parenting/any other parenting.

Persistence is key in these circumstances.

What steps do you take when she hits?

So physical, if she hits me once I tell her firmly to stop, hitting hurts. If she doesn’t do it again I ask her to show me a better way to use her hands and she will gently pat me or clap her hands or something.

if she’s hitting multiple times I will put my hand on her chest to keep her at arms length, if she starts going for my arms I then disengage and leave. If she follows me I will keep moving and say I will not let her hurt me and will stay with her once she’s ready to stop.

Any mess made including spitting on the floor I make her get a wipe and clean it up.

obviously once calm then we talk about the behaviour

when she said I wasn’t responding, this wasn’t mid tantrum or anything she was just chatting to me or asking me a question (she asked multiple times I think I was just so overwhelmed yesterday I was away with it), I just said “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you! What did you say?” That’s it, and then felt guilty privately

Does she go to childcare? If so how does she behave there? I am so much better at parenting since my toddler started nursery and I get a break - I'm working but it's a break!

This is such good advice @CheekyTealFawn you are doing her absolutely no favours not having appropriate boundaries for her age. It is appropriate now that she needs to wait for things and learn to share and take turns etc

She is 3 so she still presumes that if she experiences any minor discomfort in experience that Mummy or Daddy will sort that out completely for her instantly but that is just for babies, less for toddlers and less still for children all the way up until it isn’t appropriate anymore.

We are all only a small cog in the workings of the world although obviously a much bigger cog in the working of our family but children need to develop some understanding of that as they get older and that needs to be taught.

Op you need to dial back the therapy speak which she is learning from you. A 3 year old saying ‘you’re not responding!’ is really entitled and rude.

You need to raise your voice now. Not scream, but a loud firm STOP IT, loud enough to jolt her.

I would shout if anyone else tried to gouge my skin or spit at me, and my children are no exception. Nobody else will tolerate this from her bar you, so better she deals with your anger than another bigger child’s or a more intolerant adult.

Just my opinion then-

I think you need to get much angrier about being hit or hurt. As soon as she does it the very first time I would physically grab her hand, hold it tightly, raise my voice a bit, and say NO. DO NOT HIT ME. WE DO NOT HURT OTHER PEOPLE. The aim is actually to scare her a little. I know some would disagree but I think this is the real world. It is never OK to use physical violence against people. The way you are dealing with it sounds like youve made physical violence ok as an option for her to use, albeit the less good option. I think you should immediately get angry with her if she hurts you. Its authentic and teaches her the true consequences of violence.

Same with the spitting. It's disgusting, unhygienic and when shes older it's assault. Get angry. And live getting her to clean up. Id probably give her another chore too just to hammer home the point.

Don't feel guilty at not always responding to her. Tell her youre not listening right now as youre busy. Show her you deserve as much consideration as she does.

Do you do things like a naughty step, take her away from whatever it is she is doing and make her sit still for 2 or 3 minutes, rinsing and repeating? Do you take things off her that she's demanding to have. For the park could you not use reins and tell her you will take them off if she walks nicely/stays in the area you want her to stay in, but if she doesn't do as asked they will go back on.

You’re absolutely right. I think that’s something I’ve always struggled with, I think on social media I always see this “be present with your kids and never shout or you’ll mess them up” type messaging and it’s made me such an anxious person when it comes to making mistakes etc

She said “you’re not responding to me!” multiple times today your 3yo used this phrase? Is this something you say to her?

I think this is a big problem nowadays. Children dont need a perfect parent, they need a good enough parent. A real person.
If her hitting you makes you angry, get angry and show it. If her spitting disgusts you, get angry and show it. If you need a break, tell her she's been a PITA and youre now exhausted and you need a break. You can be loving and be all these things too... a real human. Thats what kids need to see and learn from.

So I should’ve clarified, she is half Italian so “not responding” is the direct translation from the Italian phrase to English and she mixes them up! But she would definitely say “you’re not listening to me” in English which I suppose is the same thing?

and also a good point. Maybe I haven’t been firm enough? I feel firm but maybe I need to raise my voice a little louder?

Thank you!! This has made me feel so much better. I must say the spitting is the thing that concerns me most, and when she does do it, I say “that is disgusting!”, but then I thought that might make her want to do it more if I show I am disgusted by it?

This.

Get one of those bracelet things that attach to your wrist and hers, so that she can't run off. Take charge of the situation. You don't need to shout but rather use a sharp tone when she is ignoring you/doing something dangerous.
Give her limited choices. "It's time to get ready. Do you want blue shoes or red?"

If she starts hitting, spitting etc, pop her into a playpen or similar where you can watch her but she can't hurt you. Do not engage with her while she is having a tantrum but as soon as she calms down, give her lots of affection.