Struggling with my three-year-old's behaviour and losing my patience

[CheekyTealFawn]

I’ve always tried to practice gentle parenting. I think for the most part, since my 3 year old was born, I’ve been able to keep my cool when correcting ‘bad’ behaviour whilst being firm. DD has also been a very calm child (at least by young child standards).

I know this change in behaviour is normal, developmentally appropriate but.. wtf!! I thought I knew how hard toddlerhood would be but I really had NO idea.

everything is a battle. Teeth, nappy changes (potty trained but in nappies at night), getting dressed, eating. Nipping to the shops she’ll try to run towards the road and wriggle out of my hand. Time to leave the park, no matter with how much warning, she’ll bolt off to the other side and keep running until I’m forced to carry her the whole way home. I feel trapped in the house now. In her tantrums she has always hit or kicked, but now she’s started spitting at me or on the floor or pulling my hair or gouging my skin and nothing I do or say seems to make a difference.

today was particularly bad. The day started very very badly from the second she woke up, and I think I slowly spiralled from there. it was just constant, and I ended up so snappy and completely overwhelmed and then towards the evening became really zoned out. Like switched on to her needs and safety, but couldn’t focus when playing in the garden or when just chatting because my head was just gone. She said “you’re not responding to me!” multiple times today because she’d spoken to me and I was just staring into space. Broke my heart. I just feel like I wasn’t a very good mum today.

Now she’s in bed and all I can think about is how much I love her and how awful I feel about how snappy and impatient I’ve been with her today. Im worried I’m turning into an angry mum and I don’t know how to cope with this behaviour and hope you have some advice

No it’s just how it translates directly from Italian I don’t even think I would say that 🤣

I think your child needs to see the authentic you, children respond to honesty. Children can absolutely read our emotions and respond, they are geniuses at it.
Your child is watching and learning you all the time. She needs to see you assert yourself where appropriate so she learns its ok to assert herself in the right situation.
If she physically hurts you, show it. Be upset and angry. Then she learns why we cant do that, what the real consequences are.
Spitting yes, I would get down to her level and look her in the eye and say 'that is disgusting. Do NOT spit in our house. This is where we all live. I will not accept this disrespect.'
I also wouldn't have a chat about it later. Some things are just No. Spitting and violence are just No and are not justified for any emotion or reason.

So I do the options thing which helps massively, I do think I’ll need to get the reigns or something back out.

if she does leg it or bolt off we confiscate her scooter for the rest of the day (if it’s on the scooter that she bolts). On punish idk how to give consequences for that other than the pram? Which I did do but then her nursery teacher made me feel terrible as she said to my daughter in front of me, “you’re 3 you should be walking, not in the pram. You’re a big girl now, aren’t you?”

Okay this makes sense. I see why chatting about it later might give her the impression that these things are bad in the moment but it’s okay later? I hadn’t ever thought of that before

I really feel for you @CheekyTealFawn I think this is where the Internet is doing so much harm all sound bite and no nuance. You sound like a very caring mother but it can actually be very scary for children when they don’t come against boundaries and it can make them feel very out of control. They take their cue from their parents and when their parents give them a good safe world with decent limits they feel very secure. When there are no limits they feel very insecure.

It sticks out from a few of your posts that youre worried about your parenting and what other people think of your parenting.
I find it helpful to frame it as I am my child's only mother. I AM her parent. So I am good enough just by that fact alone. I am authentic to how I feel and how I take my choices. If something makes me angry, upset or worried, I dont allow it. If something doesn't really bother me, I don't stress about it. Your child will come to have confidence in your reactions to things and get to know you as a person and vv, and what behavior is acceptable and what isnt.

It was only after speaking to another mum who is much older and more experienced than me that I realised the social media stuff isn’t normal!! I do feel like we have strict boundaries but I think maybe they are confusing? Like I’m giving it levels, as in “hit me once, I will tell you off but stay and explain why that’s bad” but then “then hit me again and I will disengage and leave”. Perhaps it should just be “hit once and I will tell you off and leave”? Idk if I’m over thinking it now but I see the potential for those boundaries to be confusing to a 3 year old

You’re right, I do. It’s something I’m very conscious of as I see stuff from my childhood/teenhood that has stuck with me. I don’t blame my parents at all, I love them dearly and they did their best, but now because of therapy I am like overly aware of everything I do and say all the time and my own shortcomings

What do you want though? Are you ok with being hit once, but not twice? Decide what youre ok with and enforce it firmly and with the conviction of your emotions.

For me, that first hit, I would be shocked in the moment and very angry. I dont want to be hit. I would allow myself to get angry, raise my voice and say we never hit each other. Then I would have my eye out for it ever happening again and aim to stop it before she makes contact.
Personally I've never disengaged as I feel tjst says I can't handle my emotions or theirs. And I can handle all if it- I want my kids to know that.
But you decide whats most authentic to you and do it with confidence.

Try not to be. You are everything to your daughter just the way you are. You don't have to be perfect because no one is. You're allowed to make mistakes because we all do. Youre even allowed to make mistakes with your kids and apologize later. Its being human and thats all she needs from you. Just don't try to be something youre not- if you dont want to be hit even once dont allow that at all. If you dont want your child to spit in your house f this gentle parent stuff abd give her a huge telling off etc.

I want to be what you just said 😅 to show I can handle it all. Sometimes it’s so bad though I have no choice. Usually when she’s really going for it it’s because I’ve taken something away as a consequence. So last night for example, she wanted a bowl of “mummy’s cereal”. We call it that because it has big chunky nuts in. I said ok and took the nuts out and gave it to her. Then, because I made her sit at the table to eat it, she threw the bowl on the floor. I told her off, we cleaned it up together and I then took it to the bin as I said been on the floor so you can’t eat it. she said she’s still hungry. So I said no problem, but you wasted mummy’s cereal so now you can eat your own. But she wanted mine, so I said no, you wasted it. If you are hungry you can eat your cereal. And then all hell broke loose straight into hitting and scratching repeatedly 😅

Ok so in this example you were right to stay firm and not let her have more of your cereal. But what consequences did she get for hitting and scratching? At that point I would remove all the cereal and give her a time out.

I have a daughter who turns three in a few weeks and is extremely bossy, demanding and can fly off the handle over nothing.

It is a phase. My son was bloody awful at this age and is mostly nice now. So my advice would be not to panic too much. It’s horrible when you’re in it but it is something to survive.

Why are you doing gentle parenting? It creates nasty, self oriented, over emotional and discontented kids as well as resentful and exhausted parents. It’s a rod for your own back.

Threenager was difficult. You do have to be the bad cop sometimes. They're all so different as well: some are so much more strong willed than others. I just tell myself I need to win the battles now, unequivocally, because one day my sons will be bigger and stronger than I am and I'd rather fight and win with a tantrumming toddler than a 6 foot thirteen year old.

Not sure this statement is based on unbiased, scientific research

Ok a lot of this is just being a 3 year old. Some of it you do just have to put up with.
Mine are older now but I did find any break from routine around bedtime always resulted in a meltdown. We think we are being kind but at bedtime they are just done and the self regulation is completely non existent. Mine would behave much much worse just before bed.
In this example its clear shes absolutely pushing your buttons to see how much she can get away with.
Is it possible shes wanting to see how far she can push you before you snap and get authentically angry? Possible I'd say. Possible also that shes just exhausted and needs that breakdown and release before popping off to sleep. I had one like that. Let it come, let her get angry, hold your boundaries as to what you find acceptable, stop her from physically hurting you, it will get better as her emotional regulation improves as she gets older.

Janet Lansbury, Unruffled is a great resource for parenting strategies and understanding why kids do as they do and how to cope.

Does the child go to preschool?
I would make them take a cloth & clean up the spit.
I would use time out and for sure everyone is not in On mode as a parent.
What are the repocussions of the nasty behaviour?

Yes! Twice a week. Agreed for the other things definitely. Repercussions I try to keep relevant to the behaviour. So if she bolts off on her scooter, she loses her scooter for the day and has to walk home, even if that means I have to carry her (which she also hates). Yesterday she was trying to be unsafe in the bath, I gave her a warning to stop and told her why it was unsafe, she did it again so I took her out which upset her as she loves bath time. But then hitting etc I’m struggling for repercussions with I guess

Young parents on Tick Tock etc are not necessarily good parents whatever " advice" they seem to pedal.
So here I am about to do the same.( Ha!)
My mum was a good sounding block for me. This advice is based on her advice. The key to resolving poor behaviour is using a consequence which is a real consequence, but proportional to the problem.
For example, if my child had played up going to the park, I would have picked them up and taken them straight home. No negotiation, no reasoning, just " this is not good behaviour, we are going home."
Once home I would have made it very clear which behaviour was unacceptable and told them we would only go again if they they convinced me they could be trusted.
I would follow up with 30 mins quiet time for them in their room( see below), -30 mins respite for you to reset also.
The first time I did this with my daughter she threw a tantrum and I nearly gave in. My mum intervened. She went in the bedroom, told my daughter to stop being silly, shut the bedroom door, put the Hoover on outside, to generate lots of noise, and took me downstairs to the kitchen. Mum had , unbeknown to me, hidden a baby camera in the room. After a couple of minutes " temper screaming" Dd sat on the rug playing with her teddy and all was quiet. My mum said " she's playing you!" And that was like a lightbulb moment.
After 30 mins I went in and asked for an apology. This is essential. You have to build a mother: daughter respect. An apology resets the situation and you can move on.
Repeat the time if there is no apology or a tantrum. Stand firm on this. No moving on until an apology, and then no big fuss around the apology. Just accept it and move on.
In your original post you give the impression that you are constantly hovering over your child and are actively involved in all her activities. A child needs to learn how to independently amuse themselves, develop their imagination and not seek constant approval. At 3 years old your child should be able to amuse themselves in a safe space like their bedroom or the lounge for a short time , with things like books and jigsaws without you hovering over them. Constant adult approval for every little thing will need to an over anxious child with a miniscule attention span who will be an absolute pain at school.
It also creates an adult who has no time to themself and consequently seeks validation through their child
It takes perseverance and all the adults working in the he same way, but if you use the " consequences, quiet reflection, apology approach suddenly you will realise you haven't had a tantrum for months and a more independent child.
Expect to have to do it all again when DC starts school or nursery. There will be new adults for her to challenge.We had one biting incident in reception, but the school applying the same approach, loss of " Golden time" and having to sit on her own, then apologise resolved that as a one off incident.
Good luck.

This is really good advice, thank you! For the quiet time, I love this idea. Do you do it every time your child needs a consequence/is playing up? I also definitely don’t want to hover, I’d love her to play independently. We live in a small flat so I’m always kind of present, due to lack of space 🤣 so if I try to have a coffee she will constantly involve me in her play/get annoyed if I don’t. I tried to make her room more fun by putting more toys in so she could play in there, and I could still sit in the living room at a safe distance but out of her sight, but then she started stacking her toys up at night to try and climb up onto the window sill (it’s quite high up)

Going against the grain, I think what you’re doing mostly sounds fine. Be consistent, hold your boundaries and keep going, this is a phase that she will move through. She sounds like she’s behaving in a very normal way for a 3 year old, she’s not going to become perfectly behaved overnight, this is a long game!

Only thing I’d say is try not to escalate, like with the cereal thing. Yes it was bad behaviour to throw the cereal but I don’t get why that meant she had to then gave a different type of cereal.

Lots of people on mumsnet are talking about about punishments but I’m not sure that’s super helpful. She’s three, a tiny child learning to regulate her emotions. She will copy everything you do so stay calm!

Yes it all sounded fine to me.

No amount of parenting will make a three year old behave like a six year old; it just won’t.

Op
To answer your points on my previous posts. I would only use the room sanction for escalated situations like tantrums. You both need breathing space then and DD needs a sanction.
To further develop personal space, why don't you develop an activity with DD that only carries on if she gives you some space.
For example I kept a fairy tale book with ornate pictures in my dresser drawer that was only used if I wanted some personal space.
I would say " Mummy needs to have some quiet time so we are going to do something where you have to think hard, on your own like a big girl. I would either:
Read her the start of the story and ask her to go away quietly and draw me a picture of what happened next
or
Read the full story ( with funny voices and features if appropriate) and get her to summarise it as a cartoon
Or both, gaining 10- 15 mins of quiet time each time.
This only works if you lock the book away in-between times so it is special. Later, after your break, you need to spend time looking at the pictures that have been drawn and discussing her ideas on the plot line. Loads of praise for effort in art and imagination. Also, you need to stop the activity if she doesn't follow the " on-your-own-quietly rule. Say " I thought you would be grown up enough to do this, but if you can't, we will try another day "
With my children it became a challenge they wanted to complete, so they would seem grown up and I expanded it later when they started to learn to read. The time that was spend on their own independent task gradually got longer.
This was a totally different vibe to the "consequences quiet time"
Another thing I found useful in the car was engaging the kids to try and guess what the road signs were ready for " being grown ups". This really encouraged my kids to learn to read when they realised there was a whole world of writing going on around them that adults could access but they couldn't

This is a wonderful idea!! I haven’t heard anything like it before but I really love it. She does like special things / treats and being a big girl so I could frame it as that